Topic : 07/11 Domestic Dollar Disputes

I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary.  He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10  cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT.  Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early.  He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money.  I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts.  So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account.    We live well below our means.  No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s.    We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled." 

  

I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money.  I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money.  I'm not a spender.   I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes.  I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet).  My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all.  Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.   

  

 For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it.  I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!)   He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going.  Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences.  Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's,  therapy and medication.  This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.  

  

We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. .  People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money.  That's just not true.   I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago.  I was single, struggling to get established after college.  Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.    

  

  

I am a single 46 year old whom for the last 2 years has lived with a Man whom controls not only his money but what I do with mine.  We used to have a joint account for household expenses but in all honesty I am the one having to pay everything. 

  

He does contribute somewhat but usually whatever money I get from him I use to pay bills mine as I have been out of work for 2 years and went back to school. I recently had to withdraw from my classes as I became ill. He does not help me or support me in anyway, yet I do everything around the house from running his errands, my errands, clean, cook. He has it made. He has a great job owns alot of rental property's but yet we never have the money to go anywhere or take me out, but yet he plenty of money to take his ex-wife out and spend weekends away with her. 

I totally understand how you feel, wish I could understand why they are like that, I am not married but live with someone who offers me no support whatesoever and when I do need money I need to justify it like you do. It's tough but your strong and can get through this. 

  

Like me I think you need to do whats best and good for you, I am slowly taking steps to do that in my life, it is not easy but I need to for my own sanity. 

My first husband did the same thing.  I went to a dime store with a friend. and put 2 nickles in the parking meter, I took the sprial book that he had formatted for each day.  She could not believe that I had to account for every penny, I didn't tell her that I would get lectured on using a parking meter.  If I walked 6 blocks the parking was free.  I was about 7 months pregnant at the time and I didn't need anything anyway..  I drew up a contract that said he was to give me $25 a week with no quesrions asked and every time he got a raise or bonus he had to let me see it and I got the same. If he didn't sign it the baby and I were not going home, I really didn't know where we would go but  it was enough for him to think I would. 

He had no controll over me when he signed the paper.  With  that gone he bacame virbally abusive, whern I walked away from him it bacame physically abusive. He refused to go to counciling, he wasn't going to pay someone to tell him what he already knew. It was a good idea that I went, after all I was the one with the problem.  It didn't take long for me to get rid of"my problem.  It really felt good to loose 180#.  

I think men, in general, have a tendency to prioritize 'things' over 'people' (i.e., possessions over relationships), but your situation sounds extreme.    

  

If it's as bad as you say, then it surely sounds like your husband either has some REAL insecurities about his provision for his family and it comes out backward as ('dominance'), or he IS a real 'dick-tater' who needs to be brought down a notch or two.    

  

I've been married 30 years, and have mostly been a SAHM. We've raised 4 children on less than $50,000 a year.  My husband has always had a state or federal gov't job, and we've rec'd some gov't assistance at times as well.    

  

Some poor people live too extravagantly, and some 'well-to-do' folk live as misers to the point of making everyone they're responsible for (including themselves) miserable.   While retiring at 50 sounds like a noble goal, it doesn't sound like your husband's the type who'd be able to enjoy retirement much, even if he still has a family to share his time with. . .  

I can really sympathize with you on this subject.  My husband complains that he pays ALL the household bills, etc.  and that I am "using him".  I have worked for 20 years in a "joint" business that we had for no pay at all!!!  That was untile we sold it 3 years ago.  He horded the profits and "hid" money from the sale of the business.  I found some cash that he had hidden in his glove box at one time.  It had come from his parents safe where they had "hidden" part of the "cash" for him.  I never had the guts to confront him of this.  As he would deny it anyway!!!  He would buy things and I would ask him where he got "that" kind of money and he said one time "I worked it out"!   Well, where was MY "working out" cash for all them years.    

When he got bent out two weeks ago about him paying for all the bills, etc. I reminded him of how I have always worked, but never got paid for doing it.  I iron, wash, cook good meals, keep the house clean, etc.  His answer was, "then stop, I can take care of myself!" 

I just am not sure what to do at this point.  I cannot get over this situation.  It eats at me night and day!  I wish I had the means to go to college and take some classes.  I tried that one time and took ONE course, and was told to stop.  That I had had enough of that!   

We have been married almost 32 years, and since I stayed at home with the kids when they were little, and then worked in our business for 20 years, I have not had much education.  I am just not sure what to do or how to handle this craziness. 

Well Here I go again.....hubby does not split tax return, charges me more than what he pays for car payment and  has other incomes coming in and does not share with me or girls and yes, has me on smal foodl budget   , and on top of it all calls me stupid wife, because he takes vacations without me ,lies to me as often as possible and really thinks that "things" are far more important that family....Has gone to the extent of telling me I need counciling......I am finally pulling myself back together got me a job that is starting to pay generously, got a lawyer and now  am looking forward to kicking hubby out.....The story is classic domination, wife must be obedient and all that but I am finally breaking lose.....something clicked insided about being joy ful with self and .seeking freedom inside.......Am very scared for he keeps telling me I will lose the house the car and all my posessions, but deep down inside....so what....I can replace everything as long as I can be happy and free with myself....I have found joy in the work I do and in doing so finding freedom of who I am where I must be and am not so scared anymore of the fighting, insults or belittling....Its not about fighting back anymore , its about getting free.........

I'm never an advocate of divorce, but is surely seems that this fellow needs to learn to count - and appreciate - his blessings!  It sounds as if he 'has you where he wants you' ~ thinking and feeling that you're worthless, but that you're obligated to fulfill HIS needs and desires!  This is never good.  

  

I think if you'd bolster your courage enough to even start divorce proceedings (and not back down as soon as he starts whining and apologizing, which a man almost always does if a woman calls his bluff and he stands to be embarrassed among his peers by being publicly shunned and rejected by his long-time wife), he might fully realize what he stands to lose and change his attitude!  If not, with a half decent lawyer, the court should order him to give you the house plus alimony.    

  

I'd at least speak privately with a reputable cousellor or a lawyer.  You've been oppressed long enough!  

I too can sympathize with yoiu.. When I married my husband, I didn't know his "grown" children.  I ask for money for grocericeis, bills, Drs. appts. his bills etc. , you would think he was being ripped off. I'm on disability and he expects me to pay my bills AND his bills so he can give all of his money to his non-working kids, buy himself booze and new clothes. Divorce coming? You bet! Waiting on a job, (hope I can keep it) lining up a new place to live, getting my meds lined up through PPA, my things are mostly packed as his kids will stieal them anyway and much of it is already stored at my brothers. I can't take it anymore. So getting out. I'm not giving him receipts for bills I pay for him and me, him pawing through my purse to make sure I have no cash, driving my car I pay for (and not putting gas in it), constnatly griping about money, refusing to buy groceris with me but alone and only things he likes...on and on. So adios Senor. I'll tell him I'm gone after I leave.

  

  When you say the words I Do and you are legally married, it doesn't state anywhere that your money has to go in one big pot for the rest of your lives.  I do believe, for legal purposes, that all accounts be joint, that is to say, both names and full entitlement of access on each account.  My husband and I have been married since 1980 and I primarily work part time, or up to 40 hours per week in a retail store.  I make way less then my husband does,  and i mean way less.  I contribute heavily to a 401k, and a couple of other savings accounts as well, each week.  I think my overall net is around 150.00 week after extra taxes, and I have 75.00 a week go into our primary checking account  (the main one that has the larger balance and tied to our other accounts) and that is my contribution for the household.  My husband uses his earnings for the regular household bills and groceries, insurance, property taxes, etc, etc, etc.  He has a very expensive hobby, airplanes and he has a pilots license and it costs a lot to fly .  My point here is that, you have to be equitable about money and that one person should not have to pay for the most of anything and if you separate your money and keep it apart and each spouse pay a certain portion and keep the rest for their own wants and needs and then everybody is happy.  I dont want to pay for my husbands hobbies, and he does not want to pay for mine.  I paid for my brother/sister in law to go with us on a cruise this past december and with our upgrades and extra airfare, it was around 7500.00.  No problem, I saved it up myself.  Our daughter has two horses and that costs a lot, and my husband pays for all the upkeep and vet bills (luckily we hardly have any) hay, farrier, tack, etc.  If I run out of money. or need to buy something and have to get it now, I use the debit card or write a check from that account and when I get paid, I put it back.  My husband always has cash on him, always,  and I usually have 5 dollars and my tank is about a quarter full in my car.  That's one more point, we pay for our own gas for our cars and that is a really good thing, because you can't drive 2 cars at once and it's only fair.  We have a college fund for our daughter and our son is working at his grandfathers's business, and goes to community college and we pay half of his tuition and he pays the rest and  we have CD's in the bank for him as his tuition increases, however, we will still pay half and as long as he does his part, good grades and keeps working in the summers.  Our kids think we are weird about money, because our daughter (she is 16) will ask for something, like books, or some things  for the horses or whatever and  I will say, well I have about 10 bucks, go ask your dad and see how much he has and she  laughs and says, " I thought your money was dads money and vice versa".  We have been doing this separate money thing for almost 16 years now and it has it's flaws, but it does work for the  most part.