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Topic : 07/12 A Predator in the House?

Number of Replies: 476
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Created on : Thursday, July 06, 2006, 07:05:33 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The FBI estimates that there is one child molester per square mile in the United States. Could that predator be in your home?  Could it be your husband, your father, or your trusted friend? Kitty considers reconciling with her ex-husband, James, but worries that he may have inappropriately touched his 15-year-old daughter. James says he’s just showing love and affection toward his child, but Kitty is making him look like a pervert. Is Kitty overreacting, or is James crossing the line? Then, Trista’s ex-boyfriend, Aaron, has been accused of molestation by her 5-year-old female cousin. Aaron says he is completely innocent and will do anything to prove it. Trista has trouble believing him, and refuses to reconcile until she knows the truth. Plus, Elizabeth says her husband of nearly 20 years destroyed a once normal life when he used their 8-year-old daughter, Emily, as bait to molest her young male friends. Now that he’s in prison, Elizabeth is faced with challenging questions from her daughter. Is your child being groomed by a pedophile? Join the discussion.

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July 12, 2006, 7:25 am CDT

Convicted neighbor-need advice

I need some advice on how to handle this situation...I moved into a very rural area 1 year ago (moved from a large subdivision to the "country"  Only 1 family for 20 acres... I enrolled the girls in school, they met the next door neighbor, made many friends in school, all happy happy...
Back in May I found out that the next door neighbor has been CONVICTED of INDECENT LIBERTIES WITH A MINOR!  My 8 & 10 year old daughters are friends with his daughter (she's the only kid nearby)  Shock set in...  I confronted the neighbor with the information I had found out, and of course they gave me some story about how he was innocent etc etc etc...That his daughter did not know this and pleaded with me to not tell her...  Now, I cannot and will not take any chances with this man interacting with my daughters!!!  I have cut off all visits to their home and no longer allow ANY unsupervised play, but my daughters (and theirs) are very upset and don't  understand why this has happened.  I don't knw how to explain this situation to my girls (or if I shoul even go into details with them)  Any advice as to how I should handle this?
 
July 12, 2006, 7:47 am CDT

I'm a bit surprised @ Dr. Phil's thoughts.

I'm watching the current show now and do not have the results of the 1st guest's polygraph test; but I was alittle shocked at Dr. Phil's opinion of this guy.  Now I'm not sure if he said what he said to get this father to be comfortable to open up to telling the truth; but he said he thinks he's just "a guy"; and that he has "no evidence" that this guy's daughter is being molested.  Speaking for myself without any experience with this thankfully, I see this man's face and it seems to be written all over his face that he's doing something wrong.  His answers and explanations do not make sense and seem, for lack of a better word: "lame". 

 

I guess I will wait for the polygraphic results. However, I'm not sure even then that I will be totally convinced of his innocence. Intuition can speak volumes. 

 
July 12, 2006, 7:59 am CDT

Try to register him yourself...

Quote From: jerrigri

This is one show that I would love to watch but I have I can't be home tonight for the 7 pm viewing.  

  

It was 20 years ago but I'm still disgusted.  I was living with a man, renting until we bought a house together.  He worked as a manager of a convenience store and was around kids a lot.  We lived near by there so the kids spent a lot of time at our house.  Sometimes, there could be 10-15 boys a night spending the night with us.  Most of the boys were from single parent households so I thought that it was kind of nice that they had Chuck as an older male figure.  He treated them well, buying them things, taking them places.    

  

I thought that this was kind of strange and I had a few nagging suspicions but I loved him so pushed any thoughts out of my mind.  After we bought the house and he lost his job (I think that he was caught stealing), he got really weird.  We started fighting, which is something that we had never done before.  To add more stress, his 2 cousins moved in with us.  They were also unemployed but always seeem to have money for pot.  He complained that I couldn't contribute enough to the household  

  

He was right, I couldn't afford it so I decided that I would find a place and move out.  In the meantime, I was getting strange prank calls in the middle of the night.  To be frank, it was a young teen saying "I want to f*** you up the a**."  If I had only listened to them I would have figured it out!!!!  Even with  therapy, I still feel some guilt around this.  

  

Three weeks after I moved out, Chuck was arrested for raping his 3 male cousins (11, 7, & 4).  I was sick and feeling so guilty because it went on while we were still living together.  The phone calls were from the 11 year old.  I know how sexual abuse affected my life and I'm sure that these boys are still living the same nightmare.  

  

What I hate is that Chuck only got 18 months in jail. While in jail, he earned a college degree on our tax money.  He is not registered in any predator listing.  He did this before any registers existed.  I went back home for a funeral a few months ago and he was there.  We didn't speak but it brought up all kinds of anger for me.  Even though it's been 20 years,  to me it was just yesterday.  I was so angry because he was laughing and having a good time and hanging around the teens.  I was sick.  In my mind, he should still be ashamed and repentative of what he did and not hanging around kids and having fun.  

  

I lost track of the other boys who would hang around us.  There was one family of 3 boys that we had taken under our wings because their mother could get crazy at times.  I don't know if Chuck ever touched them.  I do know that the 2 younger ones ended up heavily into drugs and the oldest committed suicide.  

Check with the local authorities, but I think you may be able to register him or at least get the wheel rolling to have him registered.  

Good Luck!  

 
July 12, 2006, 8:18 am CDT

what happened next??

Why do we have to not know how those guys did?
How did the polygraphs go?
How did the daughters polygraph go?
will there be a followup for viewers???
the guy wanted to "clear his name"..........Is that the same as the truth coming out and justice being done?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE WANT TO KNOW DR. PHIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
July 12, 2006, 8:26 am CDT

Maybe this will help...

Quote From: svrmom

I need some advice on how to handle this situation...I moved into a very rural area 1 year ago (moved from a large subdivision to the "country"  Only 1 family for 20 acres... I enrolled the girls in school, they met the next door neighbor, made many friends in school, all happy happy...
Back in May I found out that the next door neighbor has been CONVICTED of INDECENT LIBERTIES WITH A MINOR!  My 8 & 10 year old daughters are friends with his daughter (she's the only kid nearby)  Shock set in...  I confronted the neighbor with the information I had found out, and of course they gave me some story about how he was innocent etc etc etc...That his daughter did not know this and pleaded with me to not tell her...  Now, I cannot and will not take any chances with this man interacting with my daughters!!!  I have cut off all visits to their home and no longer allow ANY unsupervised play, but my daughters (and theirs) are very upset and don't  understand why this has happened.  I don't knw how to explain this situation to my girls (or if I shoul even go into details with them)  Any advice as to how I should handle this?
GOOD JOB on cutting off all visits! As a past investigator with the Dept. of Children and Families, I give your brownie points! As far as any advise on what to tell your daughters...I would just expalin to them that you don't have a problem with them being friends with the neighbors daughter while AT SCHOOL, however after school they need to be at home. If the neighbors daughter wants to come to your house to play with the girls, that would would out even better because you would be there supervising. I would not lead them to believe that there is an issue AT THIS TIME. Just go about allowing them to come to your house to play instead, and tell them that right now you don't feel comfortable with letting them go to thier frineds house, but she is more than welcome to come to yours. Also, I would be on the alert for anything that your daughters say that seems concerning due to the fact that once the neighbors daugther is away from her enviornement and does not feel trapped, she may tell your daughters things that could possibly be happening to her. Maybe not, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.
 
July 12, 2006, 8:39 am CDT

Mixed Message:Final Comments

 Story : Todays,7/12/06, closing comments send a confusing message to the public..I believe 100% that what Dr Phil stated is fact BUT: 

 All the warning signs of a child predator that Dr Phil warned people about would also be the same signs exhibited by a good hearted Big Brother/Big Sister Volunteer. Although I have not personally been involved in the Big Brothers program,I have been in many troubled young boys lives through the Little League program. I can proudly say I have made positive changes in most of these boys lives.I still keep in contact with a few of these young men 25 years later.I would hate to see future troubled youths lose this opportunity (to be guided in a positive manner)because a parent misinterprets Dr Phil's closing comments and does not trust an adult volunteer. 

 
July 12, 2006, 8:42 am CDT

It's not just males who are pedophiles!!!

In the list describing potential pedophiles, Dr. Phil's list kept mentioning "adult males" - please trust me, it's not always men!  My fraternal grandmother molested me when I was young, but I obviously blocked it because I allowed my daughter to spend every other weekend with her for over a year, starting just after her sixth birthday .  My daughter told me nothing, but when she spent a weekend with my brother and his wife my grandmother became very angry that I allowed this during "her weekend".  I wondered if there was more going on than just missing a weekend visit, and I had a sudden flash of my own molestation.  I asked my daughter non-leading questions (i.e.:  "Does she help you take a bath?  What does she help you wash?) and got the answers I dreaded. 

  

Nobody in my family would believe that this woman was molesting my daughter (my own mother went so far as to detail questionable behavior she witnessed throughout my own childhood but refused to believe it was molestation) but I knew it was true because of my own memories.  My daughter was given the option of taking this woman to court.  She decided against it because she felt that nobody else would believe her, and she was satisfied that I did.  I took steps to ensure that this monster was never again alone with my daughter, I made sure that we never attended family functions where she would be present, and as soon as it was possible we went into hiding ourselves.  Only my sister and my mother were allowed to have our address and telephone number, with the instructions that if that woman ever found us that we would know one of them had told and we would disappear again, this time with no contact.  Neither of us ever saw this woman again until her funeral, and we showed up only to be sure she was did and close the door on a very painful and traumatic episode in our lives. 

  

Never assume that only men are pedophiles!   

  

Debbie 

 
July 12, 2006, 8:50 am CDT

When/how to let go?

I was raped and molested by my step-grandfather for at least 5 years that I can remember (i've really blocked out a lot of my childhood).  It ended when I was a freshman in high school and he moved to another location.    

   

I was watching the show today and listening to Dr. Phil say to the daughter who had been molested by the father (hope I'm remembering this right) about letting go and that the father made bad choices that what happened was not her fault.  

   

So my question is how do you let go?  How do you stop blaming yourself for what happened?  How do you trust and feel safe again?  

   

For almost 3 years now the rape/molestation has been having a huge impact on my life from my relationship with my husband (especially sexually/physically), how I have been dealing with food, finances, my children, and just my everyday tasks.  I say the last 3 years because it has felt that since I have had my son (my second child) these emotions have just been bursting.    

   

I find myself unable to have sex with my husband (sometimes having to hault and break down crying) or any real physical relationship with him.  I know that he is frustrated and upset.  Not at me but he really takes it personally at times.  

   

I have been feeling almost trapt when taking care of our household finances.  I sometimes don't pay things and not because we don't have the money or I don't want to pay them but just because I can't get myself to.  There are times when I just spend money to try and relax/make myself feel better which is the same thing when I am handling food.  

   

I feel like my children are starting to suffer because of this. . .sometimes I just want to "check out" and feel like I am struggling to emotionally conect with them. (my children are 4 and 2)  I love them very much but somedays just really struggle to participate in life. . .including routine things like household chores.  

   

I am just really unsure of what is going on with myself.  I don't like who I am becoming.  I feel a lot of anger and believe that the rape/molestation is a huge part (not the only thing) of the anger surfacing and my struggle with other areas in my life.  

   

So how do you get past it?  How do you forgive yourself?  I want to move on and deal with this issue.  I'm tired of it affecting me so much!  My husband has suggested counciling but how do you even go about that?  How do you know who to help you with this?  

   

I need to move on and deal with this so my children can have all of their mom with them!  

   

Where do I find the resources to help me?  

 
July 12, 2006, 8:53 am CDT

What prevents folks from reporting to authorities

Many wonder how someone could avoid reporting things to the authorities. Here are a few 'reasons' that many people may experience one or more of:  

  1. Family opposition
  2. Unsure if suspicions are fully founded or if the person is just 'barely' crossing over the line
  3. Think the 'accused' is good in other ways, so let this one go
  4. The 'accused' may have a high position
  5. Entire way of life may be destroyed if it is true and/or is prosecuted fully
  6. Being a tattletale seems to lead to being labeled and branded yourself
  7. Person swears it won't happen again - and it doesn't - but something else inappropriate does instead.
  8. You, the 'tattletale' will be labeled by family and friends as being 'unforgiving'

I witnessed several unusual discipline methods (the kids simply refused to stop horsing around and were about age 4/5, inflicted upon my children by a relative of my husband. I was a very young mother and reported it to him and to family members. I was informed it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be and it was made crystal clear that the relative would lose his job and also that I would quickly become a divorced woman. Because I was and still am disabled, I couldn't afford this choice. However, I made absolutely, positively certain that the individual in question was NEVER alone with my children and that this individual could not stay in my home. Earlier, another relative in his family had touched me inappropriately several times. Then too, the family had said the individual does this to all the females and just to ignore it. It gave me the creeps and I avoided the person with all my might. Even today I'm not certain anything that occurred was a criminal offense.  

   

I will state that the family is as loving and Christian as they come. However one member once commented that blood is so important that even if someone in the family committed murder, they would not report it and would fully defend the family member. How can we deal with such strong family emotions? They are so certain that it would have to be unintentional, that someone of their own blood would never intentionally hurt someone else, that I would be the bad guy in the situation, instead of the person who actually did inappropriate things.  

   

Even the individual's wife asked me not to report that incident or a later one of domestic violence with her. It's her husband, so where does that leave someone like me? This many years later, I wish I had the knowledge and backbone then that I am getting now by watching Dr. Phil's shows and reading his books. The individual in question is not permitted to visit our home and we see him only at public family gatherings. My children have 'forgiven' him and think he's changed, so they think I'm being un-Christian by taking my stance.  

   

I would love to see Dr. Phil write a book about these aspects of dealing with such individuals. They can be anyone from in-laws who overstep their boundaries in your life, to co-workers or anyone else we're in contact with during the course of our lives. They come in all forms. And not all of us can make it through the results of reporting incidents. I am very, very fortunate that the incidents were relatively minor and isolated instead of having had to deal with a pedophile or something. I can't imagine what would have happened. I'm the only family member to take any action at all and I'm sorry it wasn't much. I especially wish the Christian attitude that forgiving someone means allowing such things to continue (especially when the individual apologizes and says it won't happen again.  

  

Just my view on being a bystander in these types of things. Today, I would report immediately and we have the web to look up and see if something is a reportable offense or not.  

   

   

 
July 12, 2006, 8:59 am CDT

07/12 A Predator in the House?

Quote From: svrmom

I need some advice on how to handle this situation...I moved into a very rural area 1 year ago (moved from a large subdivision to the "country"  Only 1 family for 20 acres... I enrolled the girls in school, they met the next door neighbor, made many friends in school, all happy happy...
Back in May I found out that the next door neighbor has been CONVICTED of INDECENT LIBERTIES WITH A MINOR!  My 8 & 10 year old daughters are friends with his daughter (she's the only kid nearby)  Shock set in...  I confronted the neighbor with the information I had found out, and of course they gave me some story about how he was innocent etc etc etc...That his daughter did not know this and pleaded with me to not tell her...  Now, I cannot and will not take any chances with this man interacting with my daughters!!!  I have cut off all visits to their home and no longer allow ANY unsupervised play, but my daughters (and theirs) are very upset and don't  understand why this has happened.  I don't knw how to explain this situation to my girls (or if I shoul even go into details with them)  Any advice as to how I should handle this?

First of all.. allow me to sympathize with your situation. I can imagine how difficult this is for you.  

  

As a single mom.. I have often been confronted with uncertainty over what to explain to my son and what to leave blank in order to help him remain innocent. One thing I have learned is the golden gift of "because I said so".. and that's that.  

  

My son in 9.. and I know that I wouldn't want to explain something to him like that.. at least not all the way. I think when kids learn about the bad things in life too early.. it sets them up for fear. However, I would be honest in laying a few ground rules.. such as: 

  

1. You're not to play at this house anymore..  

2. I am your mother, and I am responsible for you. Its my job to make good decisions for you. This is the decision I have made, and you may not understand, but that's alright. One day you will. 

  

Of course.. there will be fit throwing.. mostly because they are children and also they don't understand what's going on. But in my opinion, if they did have details like that, it would open up a lot of confusion and fear and questions. 

  

I guess you will have to gauge it for yourself.. but my advice would be to keep in mind that You are the parent, and You know what's best for your child. One day they will thank you for standing up and doing the right thing despite the difficulty of it.  

  

Good luck.. and I wish you and your girls the best. God bless.  

 
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