Topic : 07/12 A Predator in the House?

Dr. Phil:  

PLEASE please, please tell the women that if they are having questions that is their answer; that is their intuition giving them the answer -- and the answer is run.  Why take a chance?   

My 14 year old daughter is in a very strange custody battle one month with me and one month with dad.  She found her father masterbating to a porn movie, it made her sick.  But before that ,she came to me and told me he touched her and it made her feel weird.  I have taken this subject in front of a judge and they don't believe me.  I really need to know the signs of a child that has been touch inappropriately.  

Thank you,  

Donna  

There is a program RSA (Redirecting Sexual Agressiveness) that is offered to some cases that seem to have the potential for being productive, non-threatening citizens.  They are very strict and have a successful program.  I personally know a man who went to prison for exposing himself to children of both sexes and for fondling female children.  He is one of the most spiritual, kindest, intelligent, most sensitive people I have ever met.  He knows he has this addiction and follows strictly the principles he was taught in RSA.  He had determined never to have children or be around them and never allows himself to have destructive thoughts.  He's looking for a woman with whom he can share his life, and I think she'll be lucky to have him.   

I'd be curious to know if anyone else knows a former abuser who has become a blessing to society.  They're not all the same.  Every case is different, and we shouldn't be automatically afraid or disdainful of someone we discover in our neighborhood.  You really have to know exactly what the person has done. 

When you know someone has been a sexual abuser, ask them how they handle their addiction.  Anything less than total admission, remorse, and sensible prevention indicates that they will always be a threat.  This is an affliction, a sickness, an addiction that cannot be cured.  But it can be controlled.  Like alcohol or drugs, the abuser must avoid ALL tempting situations. 

I am the mother of two boys and both my sons were sexually abused, assaulted and threatened by the same persons.  It was all of my fault.  I knew that my ex-husband had sexually molested and assaulted 2 boys in up state New York, yet when I needed money I did contact him to find out if he had been paying the court ordered child support.  He had been and then we started talking.  It worked he worked himself into our lives.  He is the biological father of my eldest son.  I still constantly questioned what he had said.  "Why did you plead guilty to lesser charges and spend over a year in the county jail"?  Again another lie was given to me and it sounded truthful.  You see predators are very good at lying and convincing you that they hadn't done what they were accused of.  It took almost 4 years before my older son told me what was happening.  I knew before he even told me, only because I knew what he had done in the past.  I went for my gun.  At first I didn't hear my son asking me questions.  I had my hand on the gun and I guess to be honest God stepped in and made me hear my son.  He was asking me what we were going to do?  I took my hand off the gun and told him to quietly get dressed we were going to my best friends house and then to the police department.  We did just that and the police came to the house and arrested him.  I allowed him into my home even though I knew what he had done in New York, all because I wanted to keep a roof over our heads.  That was the first biggest mistake I had ever make.  I really didn't think that he would ever touch his own sons but that is no excuse for putting my son into danger the way I did.  He plead not guilty of course.  The very next day I put my son into therapy.  Because I was allowing my ex to help me pay the bills even though he was out of the house and was not seeing my son, the State of California make him a ward of the court.  My ex was court ordered to go to therapy and he did at first.  He was also not to call the house for fear that my son would answer the phone.  On July fourth he did call and thank God I was in the house and my son was outside playing.  He asked if I would allow my son, myself and any friends including my sons thearptist to go to Disneyland, and he would pay for everything.  I told him that I would have to call the thearptist and would let him know later.  After hanging up I immediatley called his thearptist and told him what he had said.  He wanted to talk to my son.  I told my son to come in the house and he then talked to his thearptist.  I remember hearing him say "Hell no." and he gave me back the phone.  I asked to theraptist to please call my ex and tell him, which he did.  That started the ball rolling and my ex was arrested and plead guilty and got 8 years in a state prison in California.  Years later I had met another man.  At the time I had no idea that he was a drug user and an alcoholaic.  I really didn't love him but we had a son togerther.  My boys are 15 years apart.  Because of him we had been in a car accident and I had suffered a severe brain injury.  I am now totally disabled.  I had put in for Social Security.  I knew that I had to get him out of our lives and I prayed to God to help me to get him out of our house.  it worked and he broke my nose and ran home to mommy.  When my social security came in I bought a car and my sons and I moved to Montana.  I was able to buy a home but I didn't know that it wasn't a fixed mortgage and it kept going up every 6 months.  I had been getting child support through the state but they did tell my ex-husband who had gotten out of prison after 4 years and was living in Mass. the state I was in.  I had called the prison in California and talked to numerous people and they told me that he was just fine and was cured of ever wanting to touch another child.  Not knowing I believed them and so did my older son.  I had called my ex where he was working and told him that I needed more money than he was sending, he had put in for hardship because he didn't make enough money.  That started the ball rolling for my young son to be molested by my ex-husband.  After talking to him, he had asked if he could come for a 2 week visit during his vacation.  I talked with my older son and he agreed.  He would tell him that he had better not touch his brother.  He did come and he did not touch my youngest son.  About a month later he had called and asked if he could move in and help me to pay the bills so that I wouldn't loose the house?  I talked with my older son and he said yes, only because he was also taken in by him.  Within 7 to 10 days he was molesting, assautling, threatening my young son.  It took him 3 years to tell me what was going on. 

The point of this story is that no child molester can ever be changed.  They don't care who they hurt and what it takes for them to get what they want.  Both of my sons had changed and I didn't realize what was going on.  My oldest son for some reason wouldn't stay at home.  As much as he hated going grocery shopping all of a sudden he wanted to go with me.  He had gained weight and his grades in school went down.  I should have realized that something was wrong.  My ex would buy him anything he wanted, no matter what it cost.  Because of the part of my brain had died because of the accident I had forgotten so much from the past and that is why I didn't realize the same thing was happening to my youngest son.  That is no excuse.  All of this is my fault.  Please watch your children and any changes and the most important thing is to get them into therapy right away.  And please believe what they are telling you and get to the police, don't let what I did happen to your children.  God Bless to all and remember the most important thing in our lives is our children.