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Topic : 07/13 Online Dating

Number of Replies: 365
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Created on : Thursday, July 06, 2006, 07:06:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Meeting the love of your life in a bar is no longer the only option. Every month, 61 million people log on to try online dating. So why is Dr. Phil's first guest, Deb, having such a hard time? She says she's a dating disaster and can't figure out why she only gets losers in her inbox. Some online dating experts take a look at her profile to see what she's doing wrong. Then, Jeanne hasn't been on a date in over 20 years and says she's scared to death to try online dating. Dr. Phil goes over some cyber safety tips from his book, Love Smart. Plus, a unique first date that doesn’t include dinner and drinks ... but a metal bar and a harness! Join the discussion.

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July 9, 2006, 12:36 am CDT

There are other boards out there

Hi,   

  There are boards out there that are associated with various religions that can help weed out some of the oddball posters/trolls.  As always it pays to be careful.   

   

Please be honest with your postings but don't divulge personal information too freely on the boards.  The information stays there for anyone to see.  Better boards allow you to exchange private emails anonymously until you are ready to communicate directly.   

   

I've met a few of the women I've communicated with, but no "sparks".  I've kept in touch with another via email for 5 years now w/o meeting.   

   

There are so many obstacles to developing a relationship on the web:   

  • It would appear that many people respond without bothering to read interests in a life partner.  Major life style differences i.e shopper/couch potato vs active don't jive.  I'm looking for someone to stay active with tennis/biking whatever so we can both stay healthier/happier longer.  Frustrating to get responses from people that don't profess to anything more athletic than shopping & spectator sports.  Yes, I know men and women often have interests that appeal more to their own sex, but it takes two.
  • It is impossible to encapsulate who you are into a short paragraph or two because we are complex creatures.  Again, be honest in what you say here.
  • Many online communities especially special interest, have a limited number of "possibilities" out there to match with.  
  • Too many people stretch reality expressing the person they would like to be, rather than the way the really behave in the world.  Others just blatantly lie of course.
  • Always the question as to posting your picture.  Are you afraid people you know will discover you are looking?  Face it, looks aren't everything, but you have to meet sometime.  I'd much rather be skipped over sooner than continue a long time & be dumped based on looks.  When you post a picture, please make it a recent one, not 10 years old.
  • You don't have the physical part of the relationship.  I'm not just referring to sex here.  People have a need to touch & be touched.  Long distance hugs aren't too fulfilling.  In some ways, this is better, because you can iron out basic issues without getting attached by the physical relationship.
  • The anonymity of the web can free discussions if you are honest or make it easy to hide your misdeeds if you are not.  This "double edged sword" can cut either way.
  • Neither sex is immune from lies and distortions in their postings.  Please be as honest about yourself as possible.  The truth will be uncovered sometime.
  • Board profiles often give you a limited list of body types.  What is "stocky", "full Figured", "slim/athletic" etc?  Some even provide "A few extra pounts".  Is that 10 or 50?
  • What's in a name?  Please give some thought to your screen name.  Does it say the wrong thing about you?

I've heard of a number of  success stories in the board I "mingle" on.  Sadly not everyone will be "successful" in their quest for a great relationship.  I prefer to stay optimistic and try to stay open to the possibilities.  

   

Good luck, their are a lot of good people out there too!  

 
July 9, 2006, 2:56 am CDT

I was touched

Quote From: kodiak57

I have also tried the internet dating sites and the mataches that I have been given are far from what I expected. I dropped Match.com, True.com and American Singles.com, because the matches were unbelievable. I am a 58 year old man and have been told I look like I am in my forties, but the women I have chatted with and met leave a lot to be desired.  I read the comments from the women posted on this site and I can tell you it works both ways. Photos that are posted are either several years old or Glamore shots. I have been divorced for two years, my life was torn from me by my wife of 33 years. She told me that she just didn't want to be married any more. She had moved out of the house a year prior to our divorce. I was faithful all my married life and we managed to raise 5 great adults that are pretty well balanced. I am the type of man that likes campionship, I work hard and have accomplished many things in my life. I write poetry and have been working on writing a book, however I have not been published as of yet. I turned to the internet to see what it had to offer and what a joke that has been. The women I have met in person were totally different than their profiles and they  didn't look like the pictures posted. Through this whole experience I found why several men do look for younger women and one of the reasons is the older women seem to think old. I'm sorry ladies if this offends any of you, but I'm not dead and I like a lot of men think sports car when you are thinking Buick Park Avenues. I have dated younger women and the ones I have are definately not interested in my money, I'm not rich, my divorce took care of that. But I think young and enjoy my life to the full. Three times I have been close to death, once when I was a toddler, once in a car wreck and the last one when I was divorced and managed to get a bleeding ulcer. Now I look at life a whole different way and use each minute and second to the limit. My children all love me and I can be satisfied with that if thats all there is left for me in my life, but if the right woman comes along and there is chemistry, electricity and maybe a little magic I may change my mind. By the way thinking young isn't the same as acting young, so I guess thats why the women I met on the internet don't quite do the trick.

Hello, 

  

I was very touched by your message.    Please know that there are some decent and honest females out there, and I put myself in that catagory.    

  

My marriage was broken in two also and it has taken me 3 years to try and move on from the heartache and stress.   Each day brings a new challenge and I have learned to just take things one step at a time.  I have tried the dating online thing too.   Haven't gotten the courage to post a photo for the world to see so I have had few responses.  I realize that posting a photo will give me more opportunities but the online dating idea is still very new and awkward to me right now.    

  

Have a great day.   It seems as if you life has turned around for you in a very positive way.    Savannah is a beautiful place to be.   Enjoy. 

  

Cindy 

  

  

 
July 9, 2006, 4:44 am CDT

Some of them are keepers

Prior to on line dating, I used the newspaper to find dates.  I always looked at meeting men as an "interview".  Some will like me and some won't.  The same for me.  I believe it is unrealistic to think everyone will find us attractive or interesting.  The road travels both ways.  I rejected them, they rejected me.  After being in sales all my adult life, I can take the rejection because I have nothing invested except a little time.  The trick is in the numbers.  The more you meet, the better your chances are of finding the right one.  Another key point is that I usually met for just coffee the first time.  It's quick and expensive.  If you want the meeting to go further, then let him ask you for a date.  Don't do a movie...you can't get to know someone there.  Just don't give up.  There are a lot of great people out there looking for the same things you are.  I know because I found my significant other in the Yahoo personals over 5 years ago.  We'll be getting married soon, but at our ages (40's & 50's) there is no hurry.  Been there, done that!!!  

 
July 9, 2006, 4:48 am CDT

age difference

Quote From: suzyblack

I was a member of an on-line dating site for 18 months.  During that time, I was matched with many men - however, only actually "met" 4.  I appear to be a little too old - the site I was on, as far as I could tell, matched women 17 years up and 5 years down, so, at 59,  I could be matched with a man between 54 and 76.  Men were matched 5 years up and 17 years down - so a 54 year old man could be matched with a woman anywhere from 37 to 59 - some how that seemed VERY sexest to me.  Additionally, I found that most men my age wanted younger, much younger, women.  I met one man who was 61.  The entire time he kept saying that all sorts of women 30 or 35 wanted him - well, "then why aren't you WITH them?"  Time after time, men turned off communication before it started because "of the age difference" or "no sparks" - I'm fairly sure that it had to do with my age.  I finally quit on-line dating - it was WAY too hard on my ego.  I don't intend to do that again. 

I agree, that is terribly sexist.  My significant other is 13 years my junior.  He only dates older women.  Says they are more interesting.  Putting those restrictions on who you can search for is like saying if you are blond, you can only date a blond.  Who is to say what is someone's age preference.  I'd try a different site.  They are not all like that.
 
July 9, 2006, 5:07 am CDT

Online Dating

I am a mother of a an 18 year old who never dated that I knew of.  She had friends but never seriously dated any of them.  One day I came home from work and she told me that 6am in the morning she was leaving to fly to United States to be her with new found online boyfriend.  I was totally devastated but I couldn't stop her because she of a legal age.  I was hoping the authorities at the airport would stop her from entering the United States as she only had a one way ticket.  They didn't.  Now she is an illegal immigrant in the United States.  She has phoned me several times crying her eyes out that she doesn't like him and that he doesn't treat her the way that she thought she would be treated.  I have offered for her to come home again but she doesn't want to come back and live in this town.  I can't figure out why.  She has a nice home and family here but she doesn't want to come back here to live.  I am a single parent.  Her father died January 2006.  The latest is that since she can't stand living where she is now either that the boyfriend's  mother has offered to have my daughter live with her in California.  She said she would let me know.  She hasn't.  I don't know where she is now.  This is all through on-line dating with a very naive 18 year old who hasn't a clue about what the world is out there but is having some very fast lessons being given to her.  I am a widow now but I will never go the on-line dating route.  Forget that one.  

  

Chancery2 

 
July 9, 2006, 5:14 am CDT

Online Dating

I have met the one that I will spend the rest of my life with by doing the online dating thing. We talked online at first I was afraid of meeting him in person,but I took the chance and I also didn't want to fall with him. So far we are compatiable in every way. He treats me like a princess. We are still taking our time. Like everybody else has said yes you have to be careful of who they are. When it comes to online dating and the person still hasn't wanted to meet then there is definitely a problem.
 
July 9, 2006, 5:31 am CDT

Huge success with online dating!

After finding myself out of a 3.5 year relationship I decided to try the online dating.  I had moved to a new city and had a couple of friends.  When I would meet someone from an online site I would always let my friends know where I was going and when so that they could call my cell to check up on me or give me an excuse to leave.  After about 6 months of the online dating I met the man of my dreams.   We are getting married in two weeks.   I was skeptical when I started but soon realized that it was the right thing for me.  I couldn't be happier, we have a beautiful home, we are at the same point in our lives, we have the same career and we are looking for the same thing out of life.  We are a true testament to the online dating scene.  Don't get me wrong, I met my fair share of "losers" or guys that are not looking for love, they are looking for sex.  However, the nice guys are still out there, you just need to keep on looking.  I think the online dating thing is great and I believe that everyone could find a match. 

 
July 9, 2006, 5:31 am CDT

Just another way men can lie

I guess women do too, but a few years ago i met a man online who i ultimately thought was perfect....I was very hesitant to meet anyone, but his picture and profile drew me in, and after a week of looking, his profile was the only one i thought was worth the risk.  I couldn;t get him out of my mind everytime i thought "No, this is a bad idea, who knows what;s out there?"  We waited a few weeks to talk on the phone after communicating online, and another month to meet.  I thought i knew him already by the time we actually met.  After one year i felt ready to marry him, but because of my children, decided to wait.  In the second year, my vision was clearing, and we finally ended it after dating intensely for 2 years.  According to what he wrote, we had everything in common....He wrote about gardening at his home, ( which was actually a trailer), he lied about his income (he was actually on disability and overpaid his exwife childsupport for the three kids he took care of 4-6 days per week), it went on and on. Little things that slowly added up, stories about his past, his family, etc etc, but  Because these things seemed minor, I fell for his good traits of which there were many. Loving, attentive, creative, passionate, handy, liked to cook, very outdoorsy, tall and good looking, but ultimatley I simply felt i couldn;t really trust him as i never really knew when he was painting the truth.  When i found him wearing woman's underwear, that was just too much for me.  I wondered if he were bisexual or on his way to the other side, I just couldn;t take it.  He was the first and last one I'll ever meet online!!!
 
July 9, 2006, 5:33 am CDT

It can be worth it!

I started the on-line dating thing about 5 years ago when I just wasn't meeting the right people on my own.  I was a 30 year old woman who just hadn't met Mr. Right.....yet.  It is something you have to be patient with.  I had talked with a lot of men and met a couple in person, but no sparks.  I was just about to give up when I received a message from a cute local guy.  I responded, we talked on-line for a few weeks, then on the phone.  When I felt comfortable enough to meet him in person, we planned our date.  We met at the place so neither of us new where the other lived until we were ready for that.  Things went beautifully!!  To make a long story short....we are planning our wedding for July 2007!!  So my advice is don't give up, and be cautious!!  You will probably meet a lot of "wrongs" before Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along.   
 
July 9, 2006, 5:59 am CDT

wasn't looking but thought I'd found love

I was not looking for love - I was already married w/ three kids. Just happened to start chatting w/ a guy that was really fun to talk to. We'd talk all night sometimes.  Of course I was wondering if I was married to the wrong man cuz this chat friend seems to be way more of everything I want. But I was not about to confess my thoughts to this man cuz I'd be on his physco list for sure!!  But I did not have to say it -- he said it first.  Now I was positive that I had been w/ the wrong man for the last 12 years.  To shorten this story I'll just tell you that it took a domestic assult charge (I was the one charged), restraining order on me for my husband & my kids, I had to move out of our home & almost got divorce finalized over this great man I had met. I was going through all this chaos and then I realized that................He is single, makes good money,could drive or fly out here easily enough -at least make some effort on his part if the love he claims is real- to see me. BUT he never thought of that .............Enough said. If they are not willing to go out of their way in the least bit........that is not a sign of a good man. Luckily I realized I HAD a good man & he was willing to forgive my stupidity. We will have our 15th anniversary soon & I could not be happier!!!!
 
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