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Topic : 07/13 Online Dating

Number of Replies: 365
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Created on : Thursday, July 06, 2006, 07:06:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Meeting the love of your life in a bar is no longer the only option. Every month, 61 million people log on to try online dating. So why is Dr. Phil's first guest, Deb, having such a hard time? She says she's a dating disaster and can't figure out why she only gets losers in her inbox. Some online dating experts take a look at her profile to see what she's doing wrong. Then, Jeanne hasn't been on a date in over 20 years and says she's scared to death to try online dating. Dr. Phil goes over some cyber safety tips from his book, Love Smart. Plus, a unique first date that doesn’t include dinner and drinks ... but a metal bar and a harness! Join the discussion.

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July 19, 2006, 2:03 pm CDT

Independent Lady Also

Quote From: bethann820

I think the problem that many women have with online dating is that they take it too seriously whereas they don't take meeting people as seriously in the bar or other social settings. Women (and men) set out to find true love instead of just using it to meet new people and make a few friends along the way. The key thing to remember is that it's still "just dating." You're still going to have to meet and build a relationship. You can't build one via email and chat rooms. Match doesn't speed anything up. It just helps put people together in a setting other than a bar.    

   

I set out on Match because I was tired of the men who would approach me in bars. I wanted to be able to enforce my "no prior marriage/bachelor's degree or higher/no kids" standard without having to be rude. Match enabled me to do so.  Yet, I do have a few complaints. Most of the men on Match are embarassed to be there, and they don't think that they belong. So, many of them are arrogant and assume that there is something "wrong" with me. They also assume that they can "get" any woman on Match and send email after email and wink after wink when I don't respond to them. They only look at the pictures and don't read the profile, and they create fantasies based on who they want you to be...not necessarily who you are. Others don't even care who I am...they see blonde hair and blue eyes and a young body. They may or may not notice that I'm also an attorney. They don't want to know me. However, I don't think Match is to blame for all of this. I have many of the same problems when I meet men in social settings. That's just dating...    

   

As for the danger? I have many friends who have gone home from bars with men under the influence. Or, they have met a man under the influence and went out with him the next weekend. How is that any better? I was drugged in a bar...twice. I've never been drugged by a match.com date. Dating is a horrible experience no matter how you do it. Match just enables you to do it in your underwear with a green mud-mask on your face!    

I agree with you, it is easier to find out about a person on-line and ask questions.  The only thing you don't really know what that person looks like.  I have been doing this for 6 years and found  

the same men are on different sites.  There is one man on American Singles who listed his address as Canada, then a few months later Newark, NJ, then Pa.   You really can't trust these people.  Ask questions, ask questions and then ask questions.  By the third or fourth question,  

I can tell if I want to talk to this person on the phone.  Once I get them on the phone I really can 

tell if there is an interest.   Last month I met a man who swore he was the age and height listed. 

He wasn't.  I don't get it .  My picture is one - three months old.  I try to keep them up to date. 

These men have profile pictures that are 10 years old.  Then their secondary pictures are more 

recent.  Don't they understand if you are interested -- you are going to meet them in person and 

see that they are lying!!!   Let's get honest here. 

As for you being an attorney.....forget it.  These men are looking for needy women.  Not independent, confident women.  You are fighting an uphill battle and you definitely will not meet someone on Match.com who is your equal. 

 
July 19, 2006, 4:58 pm CDT

Common sense - not always obvious

Quote From: katlynn65

All of what you wrote is just plain common sense.  I disagree with rule # 3.  It's important, in my opinion, to share emails and IM's for a while BEFORE giving out your cell phone number.  You can learn a lot from those emails and IM's.

I don't think that Groovy intended this post as a list of rules, but more as a commentary to the person she was responding to.   

   

What may seem like common sense to an experienced, web-savvy woman may not be so obvious to a newbie, someone who is fresh out of a relationship, or someone who hasn't dating in a long period of time. I have learned from the online dating school of hard-knocks and the lessons were invaluable.  Plus, my sister and several of our friends tried it at the same time and we shared notes. I do believe there are woman who are going into online dating with their heart too open.  These women may be alone and not have a circle of friends to compare thoughts on dating.     

   

Many women may get caught off guard by insincere flattery and can be an easy target for scammers.  It would be nice to believe that every person who responds to a personal ad is really sincere - and interested in meeting "the one."  I think there are many scandalous fellows who want women to believe that they are "the one" when infact, there are lots of "ones."  I've never had anyone attempt to scam me financially, but I have met blokes who turned out to be married, involved and those who had no real interest in a relationship, just kicks, also known as PBS - permanent bachelor syndrome.  I weeded out those bad boys, but I will say that had I not had experience, I may have believed the lines and BS, and ended up wasting my time, chatting and blabbing and dating duds.  Remember, you can't meet Mr. Right if you're wasting time with Mr. Right-Now.   

   

I think I have heard all the lines.  The fellow who's dying to meet, but has such a busy work schedule. (red flag)  Then, there's the ones who's got a full plate with their extracurricular activities. This ranges from "all my time is spent coaching the kids"- to "all my time is spent with Mom who just had a knee replacement."  I know that life happens, but if a fellow is really interested in meeting, has the time to chat and blab, but no time to meet - there is something wrong. (red flag!)  Then, there's the goons who start normal conversations and try to spin them into sex chat.  This usually starts innocently enough, they talk about how nice it will be when you meet.  They ask you if you are a good kisser.  It goes to hell in a handbag and suddenly, it's all about their cyber-satisfaction.  They attempt to make you feel this is normal and good, because  they are just soooooooooo smitten with you (and anyone else they can get to chat on the phone with them - a big old sticky gross red flag.)      

   

I think whatever words of wisdom that are shared among us gals - to quote Martha Stewart - is a good thing.  Another point to ponder, is make sure that you listen to what *is* said when chatting and IMing, but also what *isn't* said.  There are tell-tale signs of problems down the road, if you keep your ears open.  I have to say there will probably be problems if you meet someone who in their late 30's - 40's, claims they have never had a serious, long term relationship.  You might want to think - "what have you been doing your whole adult life?"  Also, use caution with those who travel with their business and just happen to be in your town for a night or two. You want to make sure that you aren't just another port in the storm.    

   

Maybe these ideas are obvious, and certainly they don't only apply to online encounters, but I think it doesn't hurt to mention them. Like Groovy said, trust must be earned.  We all would like to think that basically, men are good.  Saddly, this isn't true.   

   

Finally, I do agree with not wasting TOO much time doing the email - IM - phone chat only.  That is a recipe for developing an image that may not be accurate and could lead to disappointment when the meeting finally goes live.  It goes back to my  "filling in the blank" concept, we start to visualize the person and almost feel like we know them, when in truth, we dont.  I know that everyone has their own style of meeting, but once you've agreed there is a level of attraction, that getting the ball rolling with a live meeting is a great way to make sure that you are not wasting weeks, or months blabbing with someone who simply may not be your cup of tea.   

   

 
July 21, 2006, 8:53 am CDT

LOL

Quote From: headturner

I agree with you, it is easier to find out about a person on-line and ask questions.  The only thing you don't really know what that person looks like.  I have been doing this for 6 years and found  

the same men are on different sites.  There is one man on American Singles who listed his address as Canada, then a few months later Newark, NJ, then Pa.   You really can't trust these people.  Ask questions, ask questions and then ask questions.  By the third or fourth question,  

I can tell if I want to talk to this person on the phone.  Once I get them on the phone I really can 

tell if there is an interest.   Last month I met a man who swore he was the age and height listed. 

He wasn't.  I don't get it .  My picture is one - three months old.  I try to keep them up to date. 

These men have profile pictures that are 10 years old.  Then their secondary pictures are more 

recent.  Don't they understand if you are interested -- you are going to meet them in person and 

see that they are lying!!!   Let's get honest here. 

As for you being an attorney.....forget it.  These men are looking for needy women.  Not independent, confident women.  You are fighting an uphill battle and you definitely will not meet someone on Match.com who is your equal. 

Yes the men on these sites do have imagination's..Most men I have met the first thing they want to know is about your sexual habits..is this because I am a blond or just female on this sites?LOL I think I have responded to an intelligent, attractive,responsible man and the first thing coming out is about sex?  Don't you think we should meet first??? I've answered!!  I am 57 OK for my age I hope but some of he men use photos from high school or 10 years ago etc or no photo at all.  I guess it is the nature of the beast.  One thing women want or most women is honesty, caring and confidence in a man.  And being confident doesn't mean arrogance.  We are all getting older ( in my age bracket) and we don't look like we used to or want to maybe but beauty is skin deep and ugly goes clear to the bone..LOL  This topic had been so enlightening and makes me feel not alone in the quest for that person we desire to meet.  Thanks Dr.Phil
 
July 21, 2006, 10:21 am CDT

NOT because you're a blonde...

Quote From: wintterose

Yes the men on these sites do have imagination's..Most men I have met the first thing they want to know is about your sexual habits..is this because I am a blond or just female on this sites?LOL I think I have responded to an intelligent, attractive,responsible man and the first thing coming out is about sex?  Don't you think we should meet first??? I've answered!!  I am 57 OK for my age I hope but some of he men use photos from high school or 10 years ago etc or no photo at all.  I guess it is the nature of the beast.  One thing women want or most women is honesty, caring and confidence in a man.  And being confident doesn't mean arrogance.  We are all getting older ( in my age bracket) and we don't look like we used to or want to maybe but beauty is skin deep and ugly goes clear to the bone..LOL  This topic had been so enlightening and makes me feel not alone in the quest for that person we desire to meet.  Thanks Dr.Phil

I would just like thank you for being so brave and candid to post your experiences about men who focus on the sex - and target that subject way too soon.  It *is* good to know that we are not alone when dealing with these bad eggs.  I think many women are embarassed to say that have gotten those sort of responses, and often wonder if somehow, we have encouraged this behavior through some sort of mixed message on our profiles.  The more I hear, the less I think that's the case.  I do think there are just a lot of fellows who use and abuse this media for their own gratification.  

   

I often change my haircolor, going from red, to brown to almost black, (I can't do the blonde thing) and yes, I've been the unlucky recipient of those types of responses no matter what my color de jour is.  I am in no way a prude, and think there's nothing better than wonderful sexual chemistry, but I will shut those puppies down in a heartbeat if they are trying for that sort of chat right from go.   

   

I am not crazy about the formats that are currently in use for many of the online dating sites.  When I first started online dating, back in 1999, the majority of the web-dating sites were free like on search engines excite.com and yahoo.com which did not have such a formal format.  At one time, there was a fun free site called U-date, I am not sure if it is still around or still free.  On all these sites, at this time you basically went on and wrote a few paragraphs, saying what ever you wanted.  I think the limited room for individuality and cheezy multiple-choice Q & A's leave a lot to be desired.  It is quite possible, with today's structured formats, that even the blandest, lack-luster fellow can get by as most information is either coached, pre-filled data or silly multiple choice questions.  There is really no need for creativity or a unique point of view to get by.    

   

I have been registered on match.com and e-harmony, and haven't been thrilled with the results. If anyone has any recommendations for online dating sites that have not been mentioned, please feel free to post.  

 
July 21, 2006, 3:13 pm CDT

online dating

Quote From: cruikie

I would just like thank you for being so brave and candid to post your experiences about men who focus on the sex - and target that subject way too soon.  It *is* good to know that we are not alone when dealing with these bad eggs.  I think many women are embarassed to say that have gotten those sort of responses, and often wonder if somehow, we have encouraged this behavior through some sort of mixed message on our profiles.  The more I hear, the less I think that's the case.  I do think there are just a lot of fellows who use and abuse this media for their own gratification.  

   

I often change my haircolor, going from red, to brown to almost black, (I can't do the blonde thing) and yes, I've been the unlucky recipient of those types of responses no matter what my color de jour is.  I am in no way a prude, and think there's nothing better than wonderful sexual chemistry, but I will shut those puppies down in a heartbeat if they are trying for that sort of chat right from go.   

   

I am not crazy about the formats that are currently in use for many of the online dating sites.  When I first started online dating, back in 1999, the majority of the web-dating sites were free like on search engines excite.com and yahoo.com which did not have such a formal format.  At one time, there was a fun free site called U-date, I am not sure if it is still around or still free.  On all these sites, at this time you basically went on and wrote a few paragraphs, saying what ever you wanted.  I think the limited room for individuality and cheezy multiple-choice Q & A's leave a lot to be desired.  It is quite possible, with today's structured formats, that even the blandest, lack-luster fellow can get by as most information is either coached, pre-filled data or silly multiple choice questions.  There is really no need for creativity or a unique point of view to get by.    

   

I have been registered on match.com and e-harmony, and haven't been thrilled with the results. If anyone has any recommendations for online dating sites that have not been mentioned, please feel free to post.  

I have no problem meeting someone online except they are not what they say they are.  I recently met someone only 10 min. from where I live.  He is a local h.s. teacher.  We hit it off.  He was the first person I dated was separated and not divorced.  The  future ex- moved out of state.  He told me it was his second divorce.  After 2 yrs. of dating I found out it was his 4th divorce and not his second.  He said he was going to tell me after his divorce.  Yeah right.  He said he was afraid I would think he was a risk.  I said great " now we have 2 problems 1. a risk and 2. deceitful. " I got him to move out and suggested he get some counseling .  He has told me since april on 4 times that he would.  But never has.  He continues to be helpful for me with handiman stuff but I can pay someone for that.  I am a widow for 12 yrs. and 56 yrs. old.  I am tired of being alone and almost at the point of just settling for what I can get.  Which I know is so wrong.  I am just tired of it all. 
 
July 23, 2006, 7:29 am CDT

How to continue on..

Well live in Canada.  Watched the show I did take some good points from it .. I have been using online dating for a while never paid for any sites but browsing of course there is a free site www.plentyoffish .com only one i know about.  Anyway lots of men looking for sex that is all i have found . Hard with three children at home and not to fiinancly stable sad really when your spouse decides they no longer want to be tied down with a family and moves in somewhere else..  No suppot etc. what can one do.?  Well everyday has a new problem.. Good luck hope people are in bettter shape emotionly then i am.. 
 
July 24, 2006, 5:29 am CDT

They aren't all bad....but use caution

Quote From: dollofrags

The man I met and married turned out to be a bigamist two times over!  BE CAREFUL!  I will never ever meet anyone online again.  He is sly and cunning as are many.   

Hi all, 

  

I just thought I would pop in to share my story. 

  

When I was 16 (October 2001), I was online on Yahoo.com in a Christian chat room.  I was young at the time so I didn't really care who I talked to and what information I shared, etc.  Well, I met a man whom I seamed to have a lot in common with and we hit it off talking.  It turned out we were both going to head out to the same Christian convention the following month.  So, of course we planned to meet up. 

  

He turned out to be a great guy when I met him in November of 2001 and we really hit it off and started long-distance dating.  We come from the same religious background and our families have a very similar belief system and heritage.  So it just kind of clicked.   

  

We didn't get to see eachother much though (maybe 1 week out of every 2 months) and I think because we had the internet as a filter for our words, we developed strong communication, but didn't really get a sence of who the other person trully was.  It's easy to let people see only what you want them to see when just using words.   

  

I ended up marrying this man in July 2003.  The wedding was beautiful and we had our families blessings...but I think we were both in for one of the biggest shocks of our life.  Out of the entire time we dated, we probably only were face to face for the equivalent of 3-4 months.  What was I thinking right?  And, to boot, when I married him I was only 18 and moved 20 hours away from home (by car).   

  

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he treats me really well.  But I went through culture shock the first year of marriage.  I fell into deep depression and had to be put on anxiety pills.  We fought all the time because each of us didn't quite turn out to be the person the other had "fallen in love with".  We are still together today, and have been married for 3 wonderful, but trying years.   

  

Let this be a caution to you all:  Online dating can be wonderful and you can indeed meet some wonderful people.  But, remember, everyone and everything sounds good (or better anyways) in writing.  Make sure you REALLY get to know someone before getting too seriously involved.   

  

Long distance dating can work if both of you are committed and willing to trust one another. 

  

K. 

  

  

 
July 24, 2006, 8:55 am CDT

Wow Dr Phil needs a show on mature dating

Quote From: dweindel

I have no problem meeting someone online except they are not what they say they are.  I recently met someone only 10 min. from where I live.  He is a local h.s. teacher.  We hit it off.  He was the first person I dated was separated and not divorced.  The  future ex- moved out of state.  He told me it was his second divorce.  After 2 yrs. of dating I found out it was his 4th divorce and not his second.  He said he was going to tell me after his divorce.  Yeah right.  He said he was afraid I would think he was a risk.  I said great " now we have 2 problems 1. a risk and 2. deceitful. " I got him to move out and suggested he get some counseling .  He has told me since april on 4 times that he would.  But never has.  He continues to be helpful for me with handiman stuff but I can pay someone for that.  I am a widow for 12 yrs. and 56 yrs. old.  I am tired of being alone and almost at the point of just settling for what I can get.  Which I know is so wrong.  I am just tired of it all. 
I have read a couple of the comments and I too am so tired of meeting men at times. I love the beach and would love to retire there or live there now.  I have been single many years and I am not a prude and yes I enjoy intimacy with a man when in a relationship.  But that is the key word, relationship.  Building a relationship is a job that most men don't want to do. If they think you aren't going to "Give it up"  they don't want to take you out.  Even the term "Give it up" is distasteful but used by many men.  I think that is why many men go for younger women not taking anything away from their youth but being experienced is sometimes wiser.  I think that is where women's lib went in error, women thought they could be sexually free and that was only what men wanted and would not prove to be beneficial to our own gender.  I use in my profile I want to meet a man who likes the beach and meet them but I met one man and went to meet him and because I didn't sleep with him right off he says I was not interested.  That was so wrong but it showed he was not interested in a relationship.  Just another story..let me win the lottery and I can buy my own place on the beach..LOL
 
July 24, 2006, 10:25 am CDT

Hi

Quote From: kimer_ly

Hi all, 

  

I just thought I would pop in to share my story. 

  

When I was 16 (October 2001), I was online on Yahoo.com in a Christian chat room.  I was young at the time so I didn't really care who I talked to and what information I shared, etc.  Well, I met a man whom I seamed to have a lot in common with and we hit it off talking.  It turned out we were both going to head out to the same Christian convention the following month.  So, of course we planned to meet up. 

  

He turned out to be a great guy when I met him in November of 2001 and we really hit it off and started long-distance dating.  We come from the same religious background and our families have a very similar belief system and heritage.  So it just kind of clicked.   

  

We didn't get to see eachother much though (maybe 1 week out of every 2 months) and I think because we had the internet as a filter for our words, we developed strong communication, but didn't really get a sence of who the other person trully was.  It's easy to let people see only what you want them to see when just using words.   

  

I ended up marrying this man in July 2003.  The wedding was beautiful and we had our families blessings...but I think we were both in for one of the biggest shocks of our life.  Out of the entire time we dated, we probably only were face to face for the equivalent of 3-4 months.  What was I thinking right?  And, to boot, when I married him I was only 18 and moved 20 hours away from home (by car).   

  

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he treats me really well.  But I went through culture shock the first year of marriage.  I fell into deep depression and had to be put on anxiety pills.  We fought all the time because each of us didn't quite turn out to be the person the other had "fallen in love with".  We are still together today, and have been married for 3 wonderful, but trying years.   

  

Let this be a caution to you all:  Online dating can be wonderful and you can indeed meet some wonderful people.  But, remember, everyone and everything sounds good (or better anyways) in writing.  Make sure you REALLY get to know someone before getting too seriously involved.   

  

Long distance dating can work if both of you are committed and willing to trust one another. 

  

K. 

  

  

I thought you had to be at least 18 to sign up for the singles ads...My daughter was 18 and she did meet a fellow and married him and they now have 2 children, she is now 22.  t was a happy ending but i was troubled with her being 18 on line.  Sixteen is way too Young because there are so many things that can go wrong.  What happened to meeting guys in high school etc.  I'm not scolding you but if I were your mom I would have advised you against it and maybe she did.  You should be meeting guys in your area not on the Internet.  Just make male friends, when you are older 30's 40's and 50's etc time is moving faster but at your young age you need to make friends not get tired down in a relationship so early.  Just my feelings as a mom. Good luck in the future.
 
July 24, 2006, 10:35 am CDT

From one comment

More women need to talk about our sexual feelings and let each other know it's OK to be sexual beings and still have self control.  The one comment was about me being brave enough to talk about my experiences, well, this is another show maybe Dr Phil needs to do.  So many women are afraid to admit they enjoy sex for fear the will become the object of a man sexual interest and that is all.  This I think does happen and some of the dating sites express that like " Passionate Single"  etc.  Maybe they are for the non traditional female or the young who feel it is OK the use their sexual assets to attract a male.  But there are real women who would like to have a real man and enjoy a wonderful intimate relationship as long as it is a relationship.  I've seen some site that have girls in nothing but panties on and that is the type of sites that ruin the on line dating or at least leads "some men" to believe that is what they should expect from all women.  Dr. Phil we need your help...
 
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