It makes total sense that there would be some kind of payoff for keeping myself in this sorry state. But for the life of me I don't know what it is. I really wish I knew so that maybe I could fix it.
Maybe I'm too lazy when it comes to diet and exercise. I'm not a lazy person by nature, I rarely sit and watch tv, I am always working on a project of some sort, charity or work related.
Do I like being fat? No, it is embarassing and I don't think people take me seriously as a creative professional. I think if I looked sleek and polished people would take me more seriously - so that isn't it.
(I'm deep in tought here....)
Do I want to be healthy and have medical attention? NOPE! I despise medical attention and hate being sick, so I'm not looking for diabetes or anything else related to illness/problems caused by obesity.
Does my husband like me this way? No, there's absolutely no romance in our lives and 3 years ago when I brought it up a few times nothing happened. I've just let it go. So I don't think that's it either.
Do I like the look? Eww no, I dont even look like myself. I am amazed each time I see a photo or video of myself. I'm embarassed to meet people I used to know 60lbs ago
Do I feel better? No.
Is it an avoidence thing? Maybe but I don't know what.
Avoiding looking better or feeling better - no I would really like both of those things.
I don't know what my problem is, my eating causes IBS and I STILL will eat bad. You'd think the possibility of having to use the washroom all the time which has basically increased drastically with my weight and lack of excercise - you would think that would motivate me. Yet it doesn't.
What kind of mental case wants that??? It's not logical!
The whole thing is totally illogical, yet I don't understand why.
It's making me grouchy, fat, embarassed, frustrated, and I look terrible. Even if I try to look good I just don't anymore, I look slobby even in nice clothes.
Ok - anyone have any enlightenment on how they figured out what the deal was with what's the payoff? I'm at a loss but don't want to give up.
ohhhhhhhhhh ok, here's a thought, I'm afraid of failing. I've always failed at diets, really I dn't have confidence that I can do it but each time, every few months i try again. I sabotage it at some point and always mean to go back to the healthy ways but never do until the next time I'm totally grossed out with myself and try again.
So how do I manage that?
