This is my first time on this message board. I am having a little trouble following some of the post. I guess I just need to get use to it.
I had to join in on the payoff as to being overweight or over eating how ever you want to see it.
Actually I don't know what my pay off is. The only thing I can come up with is immediate gratification. I became disabled in 1986 I had 2 toddlers and it was all I could do to eat so weight gain wasn't as easy. When my childern were little I had them to fill up my life. I am housebound for the most part due to inner ear disease I developed in 1986. I have a problem with my balance now so I don't drive or work. My sons are now grown. I am at home and have little to keep me occupied. I kind of eat for entertainment and to get enjoyment from something. Going back about 8 years ago. I was very depressed and truthfully wanted to die. I didn't want to die like someone suffering severly. Just kind of hoped that if I died in my sleep or something it would be nice.
I really thought if I over ate and made myself sick I might die. Like a chocolate over dose. I am not being funny here or trying to make a joke out of a very serious think like suicide. I know there are those that suffer severely and do commit suicide. It was a vague kind of depression. Like I had become invisable and unimportant. I had lost my sense of myself from being at home and not working or driving any longer. Now I know doctor Phil tells people stuff about they are a good person and worth while. And that might be true in the moral sense that we all have purpose. But in the real world we are judged and valued differently.
I couldn't do simple things even getting dresssed to go out of the house was pointless. I have husband he has always worked at least two jobs. I started eating bags of semi sweet chocolate morsels. I would eat a bad every couple days. And one thing lead to another. When I didn't get more sick than I thought I should I would eat a whole cake or 12 donuts. I gained weight and gained weight. In time I kind of forgot the reason I started it all. And now I eat candy and sweets all day. I don't eat much regular food.
I am 5' 1" and weight 170 pounds now. I have lost weight a few times but never keep it off. It seems so pointless to be sitting in the house almost 24 hours a day not seeing anyone and caring what I look like. I know we are suppose to loose weight for ourselves but for me its non motivating. I hope this doesn't come across as stupid or wierd. Its the truth for me. So I don't have a real pay off except the immediate gratification that comes with eating and just liking the way it taste. I realize I am in a bit of a different situtation than other people that have more quality to their lives. I am sure if I was still working and being productive with more social life I probably would eat better and live differently. All that said I do feel really disgusted when I look in the mirror and I look like someone else. But then in a way its like my body finally became unfamilar to me the same as my health did. Its to depressing thinking about when I wasn't overweight as that part of my life and the years before becoming disabled are over with.
Linda
