My problem is my daughter and my grandson. My daughter had my grandson when she was 17 and lived with me. In the first three months, he was a fussy baby only at night, so between the two of us, he slept with one or the other of us, just so we could get sleep (he normally was an "awake all night" baby early on). After the first couple months, my daughter began wanting to do "teenage things" and would never stay home with him. She and I fought all the time because I tried to get her to stay home and take care of him (she now denies being gone all the time). For the most part, I raised him almost entirely myself his first year until she moved out at 18.
Last November, just before he turned 4, my daughter moved to a new trailer, got a new boyfriend, and decided to make my grandson sleep in his own room. So all at once, he went from sleeping WITH her, to suddenly being forced to sleep in a new room by himself, in a new trailer, and lost his mother's attention to a new guy (what little attention she gave him, due to the new grandson getting all the attention). All those big changes took place at once.
Well, the way she went about "weaning" him into his own bed was less than desireable, and actually was very traumatic for him and has now caused lasting issues. He has always been afraid of the dark. He has had nightmares since he was two. He was suddenly forced to sleep in a dark bedroom, with the door shut, while he screamed hysterically for hours (I was there on numerous occasions to witness this). If he came out of the room, she screamed at him to go back to bed, even though he was just trying to tell her how scared he was (he's very advanced and has a huge vocabulary, and told me all this). Eventually, he would fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion, because of screaming for hours. Next night...same scene. After a few months.....instead of getting better, it was the same. I bought him a nightlight for his room, and a flashlight too. She gave the flashlight to the younger brother to play with as a toy. He would go into school (headstart) the next morning tired, exhausted, and sick to his stomach. My daughter's car wasn't working, so the teacher would call me to come get him, not realizing why he'd go into school and vomit on several occasions (it was because of the trauma from the night before).
Now, at 4.5 yrs old, after nine months of sleeping in his own room, it's really no better. He calls me at bedtime begging me to come get him. As his mother takes the phone from him yelling at him to go to bed, I can hear him screaming hysterically in the background. When he's with me and it's time for him to go home, he begs me not to take him home. He tells me that as we get close to his house, his stomach feels sick. He's also told me when he wakes up in the middle of the night, his stomach feels sick because he's so scared. When I drop him off, he hangs on my legs, screams for me not to leave, blocks to the doorway trying to prevent me from leaving and you can just see the terror in his face. When I finally do leave, I can hear him crying and screaming hysterically in the trailer, trying to get to the door, screaming "Nana!!!!!!! Please don't leave!!!!!!!!!!", while his mother yells at him to shut up. His nightmares are just as vivid as ever for him. The way she handles bedtime doesn't help. She now uses bed as a punishment for him if he doesn't behave. Everytime he does something she says "Stop it or you're going to bed!". He's petrified of bed, and she knows it and uses it against him!
I'm sick over this. I can't do anything to help him. She has donned herself the "Perfect Mother", "Goddess of mothers", etc. She absolutely will not even entertain the thought that she's anything other than perfect. She's definitely immature for her age, and still acts very much like a rebellious teenager, so I've tried to very kindly and delicately approach the subject, and she immediately yells at me that she knows what she's doing, she's doing everything just right, etc. I always have to walk on eggshells with her, and word things very carefully. Because, if I say anything to upset her, she prevents me from seeing my grandson. The "madder I make her", the longer it will be before I can see him. He's nothing more than a pawn to her, to get what she wants from me. She uses him to control me, and I would cut off contact with her entirely, but it would only hurt my grandson, so I"m not willing to do that. She treats him like he's property, not a living human with feelings and needs. When he's upset, you can see pleasure in her face.
He always tells me that he doesn't think she likes him, or loves him, or says things like she loves his brother more than him, etc. I've tried telling him that she loves them both very much, but he immediately tells me, no that's not true, she loves his brother, but not him. She does tell him she loves him, but frequently does things that says otherwise, and he's a very perceptive, intelligent boy. There isn't one single time that he's with me, that he doesn't say things like "Nana, when will my mommy start loving me?", "Why is my mommy more interested in G than in me?" (G=his younger brother). He tells me everytime how much he hates his brother, hates his mother, etc. I try telling him that his mother loves him, etc....try talking to him about lots of things, but what I tell him doesn't even compare to the way his mother treats him, so my words really don't mean much to him.
There is NO talking to her about any of this. Does anyone have any suggestions that I could do myself for him....that would help him at bedtime? I guess it would have to be something that would not be real obvious, because if she knows that I'm trying to make him feel better, she'll immediately prevent what I'm doing. I just can't go on seeing my grandson scream and cry every night when he goes to bed. He's ok during the day....but as soon as it gets dark, he spends the entire night obsessed with asking her "I don't have to go to bed yet do I mommy?". or "It's not bedtime yet is it mommy?". That's his entire evening...every couple minutes. He really can't even play or watch tv much, because he spends the entire evening in dread....knowing what's coming. It makes me sick to think about it. My husband truly hates her for what she's done to this baby. I just need to do something to make bedtime easier for him (I wish I could do something to make his LIFE easier....this boy is going to end up either hurting someone, or killing himself by the time he's a teenager because he has so much anger, resentment, hatred, etc, in him). There is a whole lot more to this with what she does to him...this is just a small issue, but I really need suggestions on how to help him be less scared. He should feel safe and secure in his home and he doesn't. He truly hates being there altogether. Any ideas please???
