Topic : Sleep Issues

My best friend still sleeps with her 7 year old daughter- I have been there for her through a terrible divorce these last few years. We watched Nanny 911 last year & I thought it was a perfect opportunity to discuss the topic of her daughter sleeping with her. Then we watched Dr Phil when they had a little girl on that had the same problem- but she had both parents. She used to mention to everyone that her daughter sleeps with her, but she did not notice the concerned looks they shot her. Her family and other friends had voiced their concern to me also. When we were watching Nanny 911- I remember how she was appalled when the mother slept with her kids & even took the baby out of his crib to sleep in bed with her. But my friend does the same thing! When we discussed her situation- she told me that they only had eachother & she saw nothing wrong with it. But after watching a few more shows, and I brought up the subject a few times she agreed that it might be time. Her childs 7th birthday was in April so we had months to prepare her. I helped encourage her to be a big girl on her birthday & sleep in her own bed. I started to see signs of resistance from the mother as soon as we went shopping to give her daughter a big girl room makeover with new bedding, etc. I could see she was anxious about it herself. She will never admit this though. The first birthday night, her daughter went to bed fine. I had set up the room all by myself for her since her mother said she was too busy to do it. Then the mother said that she could come in her room if she was scared or woke up. I disagreed with her- I thought she should comfort her but put her right back in her big girl bed. Well that was the beginning of an exhausting struggle I don't want to be a part of anymore. When I announced to her family that the girl was going to sleep in her own bed- they applauded! I even saw the 'big girl' proud of herself. But I saw how her mother was having a harder time than she was. She told me she was too busy & tired to be bothered putting her child in her own bed- that it was easier to just let her sleep with her. So then I went over EVERY NIGHT & tucked her in her own bed. I asked her in the morning how it went & they both said fine, but I sensed something was wrong. When I asked the child alone if everything was ok with her big girl bed, she told me how her mommy would come & get her every time after I left & bring her to bed with her. Not only was her mother discouraging her from sleeping in her own bed, she was encouraging her to & telling her daughter to pretend she was going to sleep in her own room until I left. She was teaching her child how to lie & I believe hinder her development. Her child still has a blankie and sucks her thumb. We just found out that she has to have extensive dental work because of this. I told her that if she slept in her own bed & had her own privacy & space- then her self esteem would be more positive & she would be a much more confident girl. Her mother disagrees. They are still very affectionate also. Her mother is constantly asking her daughter for hugs & kisses- the child is very clingy to her mother & it seems that the mother is using her daughter to fill her needs for a affection that she is missing from a spouse. It is now August 1st and it is still continuing. Her roommate told me that whenever I help tuck the child into bed, the mother will go in & say she is going to kiss her goodnight but ends up taking her to bed with her. I feel like I am wasting my time. Also I treasure our friendship and don't want it to suffer because of this. I have spent sooo much energy on helping her through this divorce- I love her & her daughter as if she was my own. I find myself filling the role her father once did- because my friend complains all the time about having to raise her child alone- I help her all I can. My friend is a teacher & is working on her masters at night. A new school year is starting. I told her it would actually be easier on her to give her daughter a bedtime so she is on a schedule & then she will have time for herself. That is another thing-my best friend refuses to spend any time alone. If her roommate is not home, she will pack a bag & spend the night at her parents house. Her mother has confided in me many times that she is unhappy about this. I don't want to get involved, but because of our dear friendship- I have found myself in the middle. I even suggested an allowance each week & drew up a list of chores with the child- everyone loved the idea- but the mother does not follow it-especially the part where she should sleep in her own bed. She still gives her the allowance even if she does not do the chores which include sleeping in her own bed. My best friend is now lying to me- saying her child will go to sleep in her bed but then comes in her room in the morning- She says she sees nothing wrong with that- but I have a key to her house & found myself actually going there to check on her! Everytime her daughter would be sleeping with  her & when I asked her about it they both would lie to me- not knowing I checked- I feel stupid for doing that & wasting my time- she is not even my daughter. Maybe I am out of line- but her mother asked me to help- and it breaks my heart when others talk about her behind her back-especially her family. Also- this 7 year old girl has recently been caught acting out sexually with her girl cousin when she visited her father. I saw her last night with her hands in her pants watching tv- I told her mother that this was normal for her age- and that is why she needs her own space to sleep in with privacy. Her mother disagreed with me & just asked her to come to her & gave her more hugs & kisses & called her 'her little baby'.  I don't have children- am I wrong to try to help this way?? I babysit for her almost daily & I never charge her a dime- I love this kid- I don't want to see her grow up & sleep with the first warm body that comes along because she does not want to sleep alone. But I think what has happened is making things worse- her mother makes me out to be the bad guy- so the little girl views sleeping with her mother as a Good thing or a reward. That defeats the whole purpose. She should WANT to sleep in her own bed- to feel proud & confident. Another reason I believe she should be in her own bed- her mother is starting to date. She is meeting people online. I don't want her to bring someone home & have her daughter in the bed also~! And if she does have a man in her bed- and THEN she makes her child go to her own room- that is UNFAIR to the child & the child will resent them both! I have scoured articles online & emailed them to her- but she will open it and say "Blah  blah blah"- and delete it. I asked her mother today- "Do you believe it is ok for your daughter to sleep with you- if you think it is beneficial, then let me know so I can stop trying to help! She is YOUR daughter." My friend insists over & over that she does sleep in her own bed-which I know is untrue. . I TIVO Dr Phil EVERYDAY!! I love it! Please give me any advice!! Thanks so much!

My 6 year old daughter constantly wakes us up in the middle  of the night.  She wakes up screaming and will not go back to bed with out myself or my husband tucking her in again.  This has gone on for 2 months straight and i can't do it any more.  Please , if you have any advice write back. Thank you.

have you considered that she might be experiencing night terrors...I don't know because you didn't give much info on her state when she wakes up except that she is screaming (one sign).   

    

I suffered from these as a child and still do to a small extent, which my husband just loves :).  He hardly bats an eye when i wake up screaming now.   

    

whatever the reason, it sounds like she's waking up scared...so i guess the first step would be to make sure that her environment is as secure (in her mind) as it can be so that when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she won't easily convince herself that she is in danger.   

    

You've probably already done all this but since you didn't give much info i would say to make sure she has a night light and give her some good rules to use to help her feel safe....My little guy has a big picture of Jesus on his wall and we talk every night about how 'Jesus keeps the ouws away'...that works for him (and us since we'ver christian) but i would imagine a parent could try it with any strong figure that a child looks up to.   

    

If it is night terrors you could talk to your peds. doctor to see what they suggest on handling it.   

    

anyway, good luck!  hope something works for you guys...   

If you haven't already, I suggest talking to her father about the sleeping arrangment at his home. Ask him to give her her own place to sleep, if not right now, then very, very soon. This is right on the verge of a very unhealthy situation!! At home, you need to talk with your daughter about her sleeping habits in a serious, calm, yet firm, way. She is getting to be a big girl now, its time for her to be independant! I really doubt that her sleeping with you has anything to do with your divorce... how could she remember it if she was only 18 months old? Its understandable that you would allow her to start sleeping with you when you got divorced, its comforting to both of you... however... things have changed.  

I have a 7 year old, too, so I know that this is an age where they start to want to push boundaries and to "reason" with us. But mom, you've got to lay down the law! You've got to do it now, or you will regret it. Please don't hold judgements against yourself for allowing this to go on this long... don't point fingers, etc. Just do something NOW. And then, don't look back. When you set a rule, you must stick to it. Start a regular night time routine with her, such as at "whatever" time, lets say, 8:00, you take her to her bed and have 15 - 20 minutes alone with her, reading a book, talking about her day, talk about a happy memory, things of this nature. Take a cup of water with you so thats not her excuse to get back up. Be consistant -- don't give in-- and you will be sleeping without her before you know it! I wish you the best! 

Our daughter has been sleeping in our bed since about 2 years old.  She would not stay in her toddler bed.  We didnt mind then she was smaller and didnt move around much!  And I can admit it was a little laziness on our part of getting up and getting her back in there (though we did try at first).  Now at 3 and 1/2 years we want her out of our bed and at a set time.  She will stay up until we goto bed.  So most nights we lay down so shell goto sleep and we end up falling asleep anyway.  We try to lay in her bed (or one of us) but the minute you get up (even if its 1/2 hour into her sleeping) she'll wake up.  I just want to say of its 8pm time to goto bed and she does.  (thtats how it was for me as a kid).  I dont mind laying with her, reading a story etc....But my husband and I need some quiet time...Thank God we dont want anymore kids!!  (HAHA) 

I also have a 15 month old son (we never statrted the sleeping thing with him)  He goes to bed everynight at 8pm.    I am scared if we dont nip this in the bud soon that when our son is out of a crib he will try to do this to! 

Our daughter was climbing out of her crib, so we put her in a toddler bed shortly after she turned 2.  Since then, when we first put her to bed she gets up a few times for this or that, until we end up locking her in her room, which she doesn't like and neither do we.  Now she's progressed to waking up two or three times a night and wants to get in bed with us, which we don't want.  We are all sleep deprived and on the verge of getting sick.  Please offer me some advice so I don't have to use locking her in her room as a last resort.  It's something we don't want to do, but we have no idea what to do to get a good nights' sleep for everyone!   HELP!

When an 18 month old goes to sleep and literally the next day that child has lost an arm or a leg, might that be a little unsettling? 

  

How well does a child understand the loss of a parent? Might that be unsettling to that child? 

  

So when a child, "If I go upstairs she is up there by my side within 2 minutes," loses sight of the one remaining person in her small emotional world, what would you expect her to do? (And to have to do it in two different states is something I can't imagine.) 

  

What would you do if you didn't know where your child was? 

  

She doesn't have your understanding and yet you might panic. 

  

You need to get some understanding of her world.  

  

Especially the "terror" of separation, however she expresses it. 

I'm at my witts end with my eight year old!  I just have sooo much trouble getting him out of bed for school in the morning.It's just a huge fight,, every morning! ive tried getting him to bed earlier,and thats even harder to do. anyone with any advice?? please help..   

   thank-you..frustrated in nanaimo bc