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Topic : Coping with STDs

Number of Replies: 231
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Created on : Tuesday, August 08, 2006, 01:50:08 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or a loved one have, or suspect you may have an STD? Share support and advice with others dealing with a sexually transmitted disease.

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January 29, 2008, 2:32 pm CST

Genital Herpes

Let me tell you a bit about my story. I met the man who is now my husband in high school we dated all through high school and got married when we turned 18. Had our 1st child at 18. My husband was my 1st sexually although He had one other sexual partner before me. A few months ago I foud out we were expecting our second child! Thrilled!! Well about 2 weeks ago I noticed I was getting really itchy and broke out into blisters i called my dr and she took a look and said this looks like Genital Herpes I was apsouly SHOCKED DUMFOUNDED! I told her no way i have neevr been with anyone other then my husband she took a culture and it came back Postotive. Found out just yesterday I set up a appointment for my husband to be tested. I feel robbed from life It really has me depressed. I told my brother who is 17 about it thinking maybe it would help him practice safe sex and he ended up making fun of me and calls me names now. I dont know how to handle things now everything has changed...
 
March 12, 2008, 4:11 pm CDT

STD's

When we discuss STD's we also need to talk about Sexually Transmitted Infections (Scabies).  I know this isn't  as severe as Herpes but we never know what is next!  My husband of 29 years had Scabies, didn't say anything BUT it was a mite probably from traveling to the Netherlands!!!  He acted weird the day he went to the doctor (one I've known longer than my husband) he didn't ask any questions except what he should do for himself!(Yet later he admitted he read the info in the Drs. parking lot).  He put me and my 25+ year old daughter at risk--even though we don't sleep together because of his lying and secrets!  I was so humilated when I saw this listed on CDC as a sexually transmitted diease!  When confronted he had no clue how he got them and he would NEVER cheated on me!!!!!!  He won't seek individual counseling (I have) and I wait for the next shoe to fall.  He has shingles now?!?!  I'm getting my chicks in order, I've not ever had a relationship with anyone (I didn't get scabies).   The anger has been horrible, I haven't worked in 27 years so I have to protect myself.  He does try to say he doesn't think he had scabies and it was shingles a year ago that went away with the treatment.  No dumb blond here--what ya think about scabies?
 
March 14, 2008, 10:14 pm CDT

unsure what to do

I have been married for the past 16 years and decided to marry him because of the std I contacted before we got married. Over the past years I feel I regret it and feel I sold myself short. I feel as if the right person is not out there and would want to be with me because of the std. I want out of the relationship but am afraid of rejection and plus the financial struggle. Can someone give me advice on what to do.
 
March 21, 2008, 9:33 am CDT

it can work out

Quote From: justme0520

I've had HSV2 for 18+ years.  I know exactly how, when, where/who I got it.  What I didn't know at the time was that I was being put at risk.  He didn't tell me until 2 days later (after we first had unprotected sex) that he had HSV2.  By then, I already had it.  I knew something was wrong.

So I was involved with him on and off for about 5 years.  I was alone for 4 years then met someone really great.  We dated for about 2 years - he never had it and never got it from me.  I was on Valtrex at the time.  I can't say "no one" has been willing to accept this since that time.  There was 1 guy - and he already had it.  I am just all over the board with this thing.  I've been up (ok with it, feeling positive about life), down (suicidal, sometimes Very suicidal), and everywhere in between.

Apparently, I've always had it a lot worse than most people.  I *wish* I could be one of the people who only break out 1 or 2x a year.  That would be wonderful!  The Valtrex did it's job for a while, but then even it stopped working and I had ob's all the time.

I've been researching and using natural / homeopathic remedies for a couple years now with varying results.  My problem right now is that while the HSV2 seems under control (as long as I keep taking the various pills), it has spread to my mouth - can it be called HSV1... i don't know.  Frankly, I'm slightly in denial about this right now.  This just happened a month ago and I am (internally) devasted.  Pretty much NO ONE in my life knows about this.  This is a secret I keep locked down tight.  My family is a bunch of teasers.  There's no way I could tell them something like this and not have it come back at the worst possible time. 

On the up side (if there is one in this freaking mess), when I do have ob's they are mild and go away quickly.  I went without any ob's (when i still only had HSV2) for a full year.  That was wonderful! I felt invincible - but yes, I would have had the talk/been responsible if I had met anyone to date.  That was up until Feb 2007.  Then I started having small ob's around the time of my period each month.  I got back on a maintenance/suppression protocol a couple weeks ago - after I got a cold sore :( - and have not had any HSV2 outbreaks since.  But I did just have what would have been a large cold sore on my mouth - but thankfully it only looked like a rash and is pretty much gone now - 2 days after it appeared.

So,  I *want* to be positive about this since my ob's seem mild and easily suppressed... I feel really down, and really infected.  Frankly, I feel horrible right now.

I've tried a couple H dating sites in the past.  I must attract the weirdos.  I see cute/normal guys on there but they never talk to me, or ignore me if I talk to them.  I've met 1 guy from one of those sites but it just didn't work out - so I try, try again every few months.  How depressing.

And just for the record, I'm a 39 yo single professional with a good job and a good family.  They all wonder why I don't date, or why I'm always alone.  I can't confide in them.  My friends tell me I'm cute/sexy and that I shouldn't be so picky.  I don't tell them either.  I don't have a friend close enough to tell right now - and I probably wouldn't tell them anyway.   I know I have lots of reasons to be grateful and thankful, and I am.  But right now, I feel horrible.  I'll go check out some more blog sites to make me feel better - i.e., remind me I'm not really alone.

 I understand your whole embarassment over this issue.  I myself have 2 std's both of which will never go away.  My outbreaks are few but still nonetheless a painful reminder of my past.  I am a happily married 33 year old  and have 3 children and it was the hardest thing to do to tell the one your falling in love with that this what you have are they willing to accept that.  I have only been with my husband for four years so the two previous relationships I have had before that have both been very accepting.  One of which contracted a std himself in which I feel awful for, he is still single and so afraid to tell anyone about this.  My best advice is to make sure he is crazy about you, can't live without you and would accept anything you had to tell him.  It worked out for me 3 times.  Easier said than done right??  Perhaps you are not bringing the confidence that you need for people to realize what a wonderful person you are.  I still live my life as I am suppose to.  I don't put up with anyone's crap any longer than I have to as a matter of fact I am the one who broke up with the first two.  I finally realized that I deserved to be happy and the std's did not affect my decision in this matter.  I didn't have to settle and some may think they settled for me.  I am a wonderful person and bring alot of laughter and love to any relationship and deserve to be treated the same.  Remember as well that even though they say that food is the way to a man's heart that he is thinking with something else in the beginning:)  Give him something to think about brush up on your skills, work him like a part time job...he he sorry to be so blunt.  You can do all this without having to have sex in the beginning until your comfortable enough to tell him.  Like putty in your hands...now you just have to meet him...I truly hope this works out for you.  When I first found out I had these 2stds I was twenty and thought my life was over turns out it wasn't.  Look up the facts I believe there are a huge percentage of Americans that have had or have had an std. This info will help when you meet someone and bring the subject up eventually.  Good luck you deserve it as we all do...
 
March 21, 2008, 10:17 am CDT

cut him loose

Quote From: lola1919

I recently found out that my husband of 24 years has had other sexual partners during our marriage.  I also found out that he has herpes ( I found his Valtrex).  I assumed he got it during his times of infidelity.  He finally told me that he was diagnosed with Herpes before we ever met!  I, of course, got tested and was found to be positive.  I was so angry at him that my first reaction was to kick him out.  After I calmed down I realised that if I got rid of him it would would mean that everything in my life would change and that all his responsibilties would fall onto my shoulders.  I allowed him to stay, but, I am so sad and angry.  I am trying to face the truth about myself, but I feel so abused and dirty and violated that my self esteem and confidence in myself has been shaken to the core.  I can hardly stand to look at him,  The fact of the matter is that I am begining to hate him, and when I look at myself, I hate what I see too.  I don't know how this situation can be resolved because I am stuck in this place now and can't see a way to move ahead.  How can anybody deal with such betrayal and manage to come out of it whole?

 I am 33 year old woman and happily married and I am the one who brought the std's to the relationship, which many Americans perhaps even 1 out of 3 have had or have an std.  I thought my life was over at age 20 when I found out because I thought no one would love me.  I have had several relationships since then and at times found it really hard to tell the other person and even withheld this info sometimes even after we had been sexually active.  I am ashamed of that and would always tell them soon after, but realized that's not my choice to infect another person without their knowledge.  My husband does not have it and knows I do and we have been together for four years now.  I keep hoping he will never have to deal with the pain or humilation as I did, but then again he will always have me.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?  And I have been in relationships where I was told that without him I wouldn't have a pot to "pee" in .  I took this as a challenge instead of a fact.  I thought to myself and told him that I was going to be the first to prove him wrong!!  I have a girlfriend whos husband told her she couldn't afford a candy bar without him.   She is doing great by the way and supporting herself and 3 children on a waitresses salary.  She is happier than she has ever been.  Let's face it as long as you are physically able you can work and take care of yourself.  It feels a heck of alot better than relying on anyone else.  I grew up in a house where my mom worked full time to support us both and did a fine job. If  possible start taking what little money you can right now to prepare yourself if you decide to leave.  He has lied to you from the start and you have only one life to live.  He has wasted 24years of your life and it's time for you to start enjoying yourself. Sounds like all along he has had in his mind the best of both worlds.  Cheating is never necessary, if he felt the urge to do so he should have left a long time ago before he broke your heart.  It is a stomach turning awful feeling to be betrayed in such a way.  It is a selfish thing on your husbands part to think he can have his cake and eat it too!! Don't get me wrong I have suffered from depression my whole life and have not always and still am not always the strong person I can be.  But there is something to be said that even though the road ahead is full of responsibilities and you are uncertain of what to expect.  All you know is that you are scared, scared enough to not even try...in the end it is very rewarding to know that you are doing it all by yourself and that you are not letting him ruin your life anymore. It has always helped me to stay angry because it is a motivating emotion whereas being sad will definitely make you want to stay in bed all day long.  I am not saying you have to walk around with this huge chip on your shoulder, that will only hurt you.  Instead use your anger as a tool to motivate yourself in becoming the person you can be...and leave his sad miserable self all alone..He may certainly appear to move on maybe even marry someone else in which he will certainly make her miserable  too.  He is an unhappy  person inside and unfortunately is making your life awful in the process.  Just remind yourself when you are feeling sentimental perhaps even jealous if he moves on, you know first hand what is probably going on behind his closed doors.   I personally do not believe that any marriage should try to continue after infidelity because the person who has been cheated on will never forget or let the other person forget what they have done.  Summon up all the courage you have and grow a backbone and let yourself know everyday that you deserve better than he has ever given you!!!  YOU CAN DO THIS..
 
March 21, 2008, 10:43 am CDT

never have to settle

Quote From: married16years

I have been married for the past 16 years and decided to marry him because of the std I contacted before we got married. Over the past years I feel I regret it and feel I sold myself short. I feel as if the right person is not out there and would want to be with me because of the std. I want out of the relationship but am afraid of rejection and plus the financial struggle. Can someone give me advice on what to do.
 I have replied to a few messages today if you would like to read those I think they will help...There are people out there who do accept this.. There are men out there who will look at you and all the hard work you have put into making your life the one you want to live.  I had children before I met my husband and he admired what a good mother I was and how hard I had to work to make sure they were provided for, nonetheless still having fun doing it all.  Even though it was a struggle it was so much easier than the struggle of being in a bad relationship.  Feeling like roomates instead of lovers always wondering what it would be like to be crazy about someone and have them feel the same for you.  We have been together for four years now and he is still the person I look most foward to seeing at the beginning and end of each day.  I litterally woke up one day and realized that I didn't have to settle for just okay...My ex had a wonderful job, mine wasn't nearly as wonderful, he was and still is a good father I just didn't love him and we too were kind of forced into the situation with a child being involved.  I would rather my  children witness love and what that's really like.  We didn't fight in front of the kids or do much fighting at all...it was just so loveless.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time because he worked all sorts of crazy shifts.  My mother, who settled for her current husband, couldn't understand why I didn't want to work this out, which I believe had alot to do with money.  At the same time she would bad mouth him to me and I told her one day she couldn't have it both ways.  Just because she choose to settle for her 3rd husband didn't mean I had to.  I don't even think she considered it settling because the older generation believes in sticking by your man...even if you are miserable.  He told me I couldn't make it without him and I reminded him I already was doing that before I met him with one child at the young age of 20.  I proved him wrong and I couldn't be happier and still have a great relationship with my ex...this is very important when children are involved..I grew up in a household where I heard that my real father was a sperm donor...I do not know what age my mother decided this was appropriate to tell me.  I do not bad mouth my childrens father to them nor will I ever..I still have a lifetime to get along with this man and will do my best to do just that.  Just not in the same house of course:) Good luck to you,  it sounds as though you have given  16  years of your life to try and make this work and now it's time for you and even him to  be  happy, just not together.
 
April 13, 2008, 9:24 am CDT

It's me again....

Well, I have not been on this message board in a long time.  Just an update, I thought I had found someone who was accepting to my medical condition (I have had genital herpes for 20 years).  Unfortunately, it turns out he was not.  We are still friends, but it really hurt like hell when I found out the real reason why he would not take our relationship to the next level -- no matter how much he said he loved me.  I don't get it -- why can't men me honest????  It would have hurt less and we both could have moved on sooner.

As for being married to someone you are angry with because of the herpes -- do yourself a favor either learn to forgive or leave.  Don't put the added stress to your life.  If you have never worked, get a job -- it can be done.  Just don't settle yourself.  I'm sure I will find someone when the time is right.  I date, but I don't sleep with someone until they know.  Keep your chin up!

As for a show on this topic -- forget it.  All we can do is talk to each other and hopefully find some comfort among us.  Chantel2

 
May 13, 2008, 5:27 pm CDT

I feel you

Quote From: chantel2

Well, I have not been on this message board in a long time.  Just an update, I thought I had found someone who was accepting to my medical condition (I have had genital herpes for 20 years).  Unfortunately, it turns out he was not.  We are still friends, but it really hurt like hell when I found out the real reason why he would not take our relationship to the next level -- no matter how much he said he loved me.  I don't get it -- why can't men me honest????  It would have hurt less and we both could have moved on sooner.

As for being married to someone you are angry with because of the herpes -- do yourself a favor either learn to forgive or leave.  Don't put the added stress to your life.  If you have never worked, get a job -- it can be done.  Just don't settle yourself.  I'm sure I will find someone when the time is right.  I date, but I don't sleep with someone until they know.  Keep your chin up!

As for a show on this topic -- forget it.  All we can do is talk to each other and hopefully find some comfort among us.  Chantel2

I feel you Chantel, I have the H too.  I have started to tell guys this from the very beginning of dating, not that I even kiss until maybe the 4th or 5th date, but I am that open when we talk about things.  That way, they know from the getgo and I know too!  It also may help to know that alot of people are uneducated about H, they don't know that everybody has it - you're either a carriers or you have symptoms.  Bottom line is, some will just be freaked and you both deserve to know who that is before it gets too far.  Good luck!
 
May 28, 2008, 6:46 am CDT

your not alone.

your not the only person with an std. its a sad and painful thing to cope with. i have many std's becuase when i was younger i had alot of unprotected sex. now i must pay the price. i had no respect for my body... but i learned my lesson. trust me, wait til your old enough and ready for sex, its worth it. but if you already have it.. dont feel like an outsider. your not an alien from mars your a human. and if you  need someone to talk to you about your std's. im ALWAYS here. :)
 
May 28, 2008, 6:50 am CDT

i have herpes too...

Quote From: bay218

 I am 33 year old woman and happily married and I am the one who brought the std's to the relationship, which many Americans perhaps even 1 out of 3 have had or have an std.  I thought my life was over at age 20 when I found out because I thought no one would love me.  I have had several relationships since then and at times found it really hard to tell the other person and even withheld this info sometimes even after we had been sexually active.  I am ashamed of that and would always tell them soon after, but realized that's not my choice to infect another person without their knowledge.  My husband does not have it and knows I do and we have been together for four years now.  I keep hoping he will never have to deal with the pain or humilation as I did, but then again he will always have me.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?  And I have been in relationships where I was told that without him I wouldn't have a pot to "pee" in .  I took this as a challenge instead of a fact.  I thought to myself and told him that I was going to be the first to prove him wrong!!  I have a girlfriend whos husband told her she couldn't afford a candy bar without him.   She is doing great by the way and supporting herself and 3 children on a waitresses salary.  She is happier than she has ever been.  Let's face it as long as you are physically able you can work and take care of yourself.  It feels a heck of alot better than relying on anyone else.  I grew up in a house where my mom worked full time to support us both and did a fine job. If  possible start taking what little money you can right now to prepare yourself if you decide to leave.  He has lied to you from the start and you have only one life to live.  He has wasted 24years of your life and it's time for you to start enjoying yourself. Sounds like all along he has had in his mind the best of both worlds.  Cheating is never necessary, if he felt the urge to do so he should have left a long time ago before he broke your heart.  It is a stomach turning awful feeling to be betrayed in such a way.  It is a selfish thing on your husbands part to think he can have his cake and eat it too!! Don't get me wrong I have suffered from depression my whole life and have not always and still am not always the strong person I can be.  But there is something to be said that even though the road ahead is full of responsibilities and you are uncertain of what to expect.  All you know is that you are scared, scared enough to not even try...in the end it is very rewarding to know that you are doing it all by yourself and that you are not letting him ruin your life anymore. It has always helped me to stay angry because it is a motivating emotion whereas being sad will definitely make you want to stay in bed all day long.  I am not saying you have to walk around with this huge chip on your shoulder, that will only hurt you.  Instead use your anger as a tool to motivate yourself in becoming the person you can be...and leave his sad miserable self all alone..He may certainly appear to move on maybe even marry someone else in which he will certainly make her miserable  too.  He is an unhappy  person inside and unfortunately is making your life awful in the process.  Just remind yourself when you are feeling sentimental perhaps even jealous if he moves on, you know first hand what is probably going on behind his closed doors.   I personally do not believe that any marriage should try to continue after infidelity because the person who has been cheated on will never forget or let the other person forget what they have done.  Summon up all the courage you have and grow a backbone and let yourself know everyday that you deserve better than he has ever given you!!!  YOU CAN DO THIS..

dont judge a book by its cover..

 

 

 

dont be ashamed of who you REALLY are. your beautiful inside and out! and you husband is a low life!!!!!!!

 
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