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November 11, 2008, 6:11 pm PST
Didn't know
I have been in a monogamous relationship for 8 years. I have had "cold sores" on my lip since I can remember...could have started in my late teens or early twenties, I don't know. Everyone referred to them as "cold sores" or "fever blisters" - never the word HERPES. Then I remember a friend of mine calling it that and I heard that it was only cotagious when you had an outbreak. Well, over 20 years later, I rarely get outbreaks...maybe once every 2-3 years and pretty mild. When I met my boyfriend, I had an outbreak in the relationship & I told him I get cold sores every once in a while & he can't kiss me when I get one. He thought nothing of it, I didn't either. Well, 2 months ago (this is now 8 years into our relationship) he got his first "cold sore". He is devastated. He said that I was untruthrful and dishonest because I didn't tell him it was HERPES. I said that it never crossed my mind to give it that term because no one I know calls it that - many of my friends have them, and so did my mom. It was always referred to as a cold sore or fever blister. I knew "herpes" but believed, now stupidly on my part, that this was the "mild" type and was only contagious when having an outbreak. Never thought of referring to it as HERPES. Well, now we recently learned that we both have genital herpes. It's unknown if I was the carrier from my previous marriage over 12 years ago, or my boyfriend gave it to me orally before he had his outbreak and I did the same to him. Needess to say, we are both devastated. He is having a hard time believing me that I had no genital symptoms - I NEVER DID until just recently. He is really pissed that I didn't tell him at the beginning of he relationship that I had HERPES on the lip. I didn't even think of using that term. Believe it or not, we were getting married in 2 weeks. That is now cancelled and he wants to walk. He says that I have no excuse, I am totally to be blamed, and his life is now ruined. I am ready to leave or he will. I'm hoping we can get counseling to get thru this because we have 8 wonderful years together. I think this isn't worth the all the shame and intense blame I am receiving as I am infected too. Any words of wisdom?
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