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Topic : Coping with STDs

Number of Replies: 231
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Created on : Tuesday, August 08, 2006, 01:50:08 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or a loved one have, or suspect you may have an STD? Share support and advice with others dealing with a sexually transmitted disease.

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September 25, 2006, 8:35 pm CDT

When To Tell

Quote From: cooperc50

When is the right time to tell a prospective partner, after the 1st date, the 3rd date or when the petting gets serious.  I have not dated much after finding out I had herpes, got it in a long relationship and found out afterward he cheated on me and condoms weren't used.  I used condoms every time with other parteners in between me finding out and the relationship so I feel better there.  But how do you date again, one person said if they really like you they won't run but it beats you down emotionally after a while when the negative reactions keep coming out.  I'm not sure what to do, should I stop dating all together. I have found that the std websites aren't very good, ad's, responses, etc.  I guess it will be in the back of my mind with the dates util I tell them so I can't really relax and have a good time because I know eventually i have to tell them, I don' t want to get hurt and I don' t want them to get hurt either.  What do you do?

I have had Genital Herpes for over 5 years now. Its a hard issue to know when the right time to bring up is. For me I let them get to know me first, then have the talk with them. I used to tell right away, but then all they will see is the Herpes not the person. I have been lucky that most people I did tell were either able to deal with it or were at least honest in a nice way that they couldnt handle it. I tell them about how I was in a relationship at the time and didnt know he was cheating, how long I have had it, that I have had sex with partners that knew both protected and non protected and have never passed it to anyone. I have a friend that has never gotten it from me over the 5 years that gets tested yearly as well which I bring up in that conversation. I think the more open you are with them the easier time they will have with it. I know its hard, but let the true you shine thru and dont let the std you have define who you are.
 
September 25, 2006, 9:05 pm CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: jessilynn6

I am 38, and single.  Dating is HARD, with or without an STD.

 

I think we have to remember that herpes isn't, by far, the biggest thing to mar a potential relationship.

 

By the time we reach our 30s, we all have some sort of "baggage."  I have found that exes, kids, finances, addictions, in laws, jobs, etc., are all far more taxing to a relationship than herpes or hpv ever could be.

 

It also helps to remember that while you are sitting there sweating about herpes or hpv, your date is also sweating about you finding out about something.

 

It might be debt, intense sibling rivalry, a bad job (or no job at all), or a lack of ability to save money.  They might be worrying about your reaction to a beer gut, baby flab, scars, acne, a hairy back, stinky feet, or flatuence issues.  They might have a criminal record, might have problems with being a mama's boy, or worse, might still LIVE with mama.   They might be worried about how to tell you about how many (or few) sexual partners they've had.

 

Or they might be sitting there sweating and worrying about how to tell you they have *gasp* HERPES (or hpv).  That actually happened to me.

 

While you think herpes or hpv is the worst thing ever, others don't.  And most people, by the time they are in their 30s or 40s or 50s, know someone with herpes or hpv , have dated someone with herpes (that's happened to me also) or hpv, or have herpes or hpv, and just know its not a huge deal.

 

Don't let yourself fall into the stigma trap.  You are worth more than that.

 

Jess

This post was so funny and I appreciate it.  I've lived (in silence) with herpes for ten years alone, too ashamed and angry to let anyone else including relatives know.  I got it after being celibate for two years from someone who claimed to love me.  That betrayal was the last straw so I've avoided dating and sex since then.  Now that I'm entering my late thirties, I've [briefly] considered checking out some of the websites mentioned here but I've chickened out each time.  I hear all the scary stories about dating websites in general so I certainly don't want to end up bait for some sicko on a website that's deals with such a personal issue.  How would someone in my boat broach the subject when I've lost so much faith in the opposite sex?  I just know I'd be devastated if I opened up and then got completely rejected. 

 
September 25, 2006, 10:08 pm CDT

My husband gave me herpes

 I have been with my husband for 5 1/2 yrs,  and only married about 2 of the 5 yrs.  I was tested for STD's before we started dating.  On my honeymoon, we argued and he got mad and left until the next day, then 3 months after being married, my husbands former co-worker told my 25 yr old daughter that my husband was cheating on me with someone else.  Then a tenant of mine told me then same thing.  I've tried to not believe that he's been cheating, but a few weeks ago I broke out in the genital area and I told my husband, and asked him to get tested with me for STD's, he refused.  I went to the DR anyway and everything was negative except, Herpes 1 & 2, I am still in such shock.  after the DR discussed the disease with me I went home again and husband refuses to get tested.  I feel so betrayed.  I am so hurt and depressed.  I am in shock and this has ruined our already terrible marriage.  I'm hiring a private investigator to document his infidelity.  Is there any other way to contract this disease other than sex.  I'm sort of still in denial. but deep down I know it's true, I found lip stick on his underwear once and he said it did it when I was drinking one night.  I love his mother and sister, but I hate him.  We are business partners to make things more complicated.  I am in the process of starting a separate company without him.  Sorry for rambling!  Can someone give me some words of hope.
 
September 25, 2006, 11:46 pm CDT

Since Posting of this message

Quote From: btaylor

 I have been with my husband for 5 1/2 yrs,  and only married about 2 of the 5 yrs.  I was tested for STD's before we started dating.  On my honeymoon, we argued and he got mad and left until the next day, then 3 months after being married, my husbands former co-worker told my 25 yr old daughter that my husband was cheating on me with someone else.  Then a tenant of mine told me then same thing.  I've tried to not believe that he's been cheating, but a few weeks ago I broke out in the genital area and I told my husband, and asked him to get tested with me for STD's, he refused.  I went to the DR anyway and everything was negative except, Herpes 1 & 2, I am still in such shock.  after the DR discussed the disease with me I went home again and husband refuses to get tested.  I feel so betrayed.  I am so hurt and depressed.  I am in shock and this has ruined our already terrible marriage.  I'm hiring a private investigator to document his infidelity.  Is there any other way to contract this disease other than sex.  I'm sort of still in denial. but deep down I know it's true, I found lip stick on his underwear once and he said it did it when I was drinking one night.  I love his mother and sister, but I hate him.  We are business partners to make things more complicated.  I am in the process of starting a separate company without him.  Sorry for rambling!  Can someone give me some words of hope.
Husband is denying my results are positive and says if I have it I contracted it, he still refuses to get tested and is blaming the Dr.  he wants to "beat" the Dr. up.   Looks like divorce  will be coming sooner than later.
 
September 26, 2006, 5:05 am CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: jorcel

This post was so funny and I appreciate it.  I've lived (in silence) with herpes for ten years alone, too ashamed and angry to let anyone else including relatives know.  I got it after being celibate for two years from someone who claimed to love me.  That betrayal was the last straw so I've avoided dating and sex since then.  Now that I'm entering my late thirties, I've [briefly considered checking out some of the websites mentioned here but I've chickened out each time.  I hear all the scary stories about dating websites in general so I certainly don't want to end up bait for some sicko on a website that's deals with such a personal issue.  How would someone in my boat broach the subject when I've lost so much faith in the opposite sex?  I just know I'd be devastated if I opened up and then got completely rejected. 

Don't be afraid.  There are some sights which are simply geared towards support and I think that sounds like the very best place for you to start anyway as far as meeting others.  I have found that meeting people in person who also have herpes has been the very best medicine for me.  It was with a group of people and I wasn't there trying to "hook up" so it was safe with both male and females in attendance.  Before anyone else can love you, you need to get right with having herpes first  :-)     Chin up.

 

Check out my "supportive strangers" link on my blog.  It talks about these types of get togethers and how good they are and were for me and others.  http://herpes-virus.blogspot.com/

 

Luanne

 
September 26, 2006, 5:13 am CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: btaylor

 I have been with my husband for 5 1/2 yrs,  and only married about 2 of the 5 yrs.  I was tested for STD's before we started dating.  On my honeymoon, we argued and he got mad and left until the next day, then 3 months after being married, my husbands former co-worker told my 25 yr old daughter that my husband was cheating on me with someone else.  Then a tenant of mine told me then same thing.  I've tried to not believe that he's been cheating, but a few weeks ago I broke out in the genital area and I told my husband, and asked him to get tested with me for STD's, he refused.  I went to the DR anyway and everything was negative except, Herpes 1 & 2, I am still in such shock.  after the DR discussed the disease with me I went home again and husband refuses to get tested.  I feel so betrayed.  I am so hurt and depressed.  I am in shock and this has ruined our already terrible marriage.  I'm hiring a private investigator to document his infidelity.  Is there any other way to contract this disease other than sex.  I'm sort of still in denial. but deep down I know it's true, I found lip stick on his underwear once and he said it did it when I was drinking one night.  I love his mother and sister, but I hate him.  We are business partners to make things more complicated.  I am in the process of starting a separate company without him.  Sorry for rambling!  Can someone give me some words of hope.
Because it sounds like he never got tested for STD's (you do know that they don't always test for herpes, you must request that test to be run) it's hard to say how long he's had it or if he even does.  His refusal to get tested sounds like he could be in denial.  He could have had HSV with no symptoms and never knew it.  It's called asymptomatic shedding.  Sounds like there are possibly more issues in your relationship but of course, infidelity being a big one.  Have you tried a marriage counselor?  Good luck to you  :-)
 
September 26, 2006, 5:15 am CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: btaylor

Husband is denying my results are positive and says if I have it I contracted it, he still refuses to get tested and is blaming the Dr.  he wants to "beat" the Dr. up.   Looks like divorce  will be coming sooner than later.
He is in "big time" denial!!   So many people are.  Heck, I know I was too for about 10 years.  Thank goodness for the internet in regards to allowing me to connect with others to realize I wasn't alone.  That is so important.  Definitely search for a support group in your area.
 
September 26, 2006, 10:04 am CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: foalfan

 

 Many many people have no idea that you can give someone genital herpes by performing oral sex while they have a cancker sore or cold sore in their mouth.

 

 I'd like to see a show about herpes awareness. 90% of the people who have herpes, have no idea they have it. Valtrex commercials promote awareness for treatment. They should have public awareness commercials, prompting people to get tested.

 

 Too many people are ignorant about this disease, and this is one instance where ignorance is not bliss.

Canker sores are not herpes. They are not contagious. 

 

Cold sores are almost always due to hsv1 and it is contagious.  In fact over 60% of adults in the US have hsv1 orally even though only 20-40% of them ever get an obvious cold sore to know that they are infected with the virus.  Indeed you can transmit hsv1 to the oral area even when there aren't any obvious symptoms present.  It's the cause of ~ 30% of all new genital herpes infections. In the under 25 crowd - it's the cause of ~ 60% of all new genital herpes infections due to an increased lack of acquistion with the virus orally during childhood.  If you already have hsv1 orally  you aren't likely to contract hsv1 genitally afterwards. 

 

 

 
September 26, 2006, 10:14 am CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: btaylor

Husband is denying my results are positive and says if I have it I contracted it, he still refuses to get tested and is blaming the Dr.  he wants to "beat" the Dr. up.   Looks like divorce  will be coming sooner than later.

If you want help with your blood test results - post them on Terri Warren's herpes message board over on webmd.  She or one of the regular posters there will gladly take a look at them for you and let you know if indeed you were tested properly and if you need confirmatory testing or not.  If you want us to look at your original herpes test results that you had prior to becoming married get a copy of those too and post them.  Are you sure you were tested for herpes with a type specific herpes blood test prior to marriage or are you just assuming that you were since you asked for a std test and were never told that anything from it was positive?  Routine std testing is usually just 2 or 3 tests :(

 

Your husband can blame the doctor all he wants. The doctor isn't out to ruin his life or anything else.  If he wants to be stupid enough to beat up the doctor then he should be prepared to do jail time - there are strict rules about assulting healthcare professionals - he won't get off with just a handslap.  He needs to grow up and get himself a type specific herpes igg blood test to know his status. You two might never figure out who had what first but if you want to save this marriage then you need to find out who has what so you can take proper precautions if needed.  I totally agree with the two of you going to counseling - it doesn't sound like he's willing to work thru this with you and there seems to be a lot of issues going on at one time in your marriage :(   If he continues to treat you badly about this - leave him until he agrees to grow up and seek help.  You don't have to put up with this kind of BS in a relationship.

 
September 26, 2006, 10:24 am CDT

Coping with STDs

Quote From: jorcel

This post was so funny and I appreciate it.  I've lived (in silence) with herpes for ten years alone, too ashamed and angry to let anyone else including relatives know.  I got it after being celibate for two years from someone who claimed to love me.  That betrayal was the last straw so I've avoided dating and sex since then.  Now that I'm entering my late thirties, I've [briefly considered checking out some of the websites mentioned here but I've chickened out each time.  I hear all the scary stories about dating websites in general so I certainly don't want to end up bait for some sicko on a website that's deals with such a personal issue.  How would someone in my boat broach the subject when I've lost so much faith in the opposite sex?  I just know I'd be devastated if I opened up and then got completely rejected. 

I've used dating websites quite a few times and for the most part they worked out quite well for me. If nothing else I at least had quite a few entertaining stories to tell my friends...he he he  Not everyone on them is "weird" or married and looking for action on the side- there are some really good people using them ( you know - just like YOU!!! ).  When I used them I always took my time before meeting someone.  After a few emails you could usually tell if someone appeared fairly "normal" or not and if they weren't willing to correspond with me for a few weeks - months before meeting then I knew they weren' t for me.  Trust me - you can weed out the worst of them before you even think about meeting them!!  Of course I had a lot of first dates - sometimes what seemed to work in emails just didn't work when we met face to face. The last fellar I dated from a website and I dated for 4 years - it didn't work out for reasons that had nothing to do with herpes.

 

I know in my life - I don't know a lot of available men to ask out and my kids keep me too busy to go out with friends to meet new people. I always work nights so my hours don't always match up with the rest of the world.  Online dating was the way I could meet new men to date without having to waste time I'd rather be spending with my kids.  I actually never used any of the herpes dating sites - in my area there never seems to be anyone on them and I know I can' t relocate so I just used regular dating sites.  In the 20 years that I've had hsv2 - only 1 person ever decided he didn't want to risk herpes - it's not a deal breaker in my life - it' s just one more thing about me.  Like Jess said - my herpes is nothing compared to the other baggage I have at this point ;)   I can take their risk of contracting my hsv2 down to 1% each year. I can't take many other things in my life down to that low of a risk.  Just meeting my dog is a higher risk than contracting my herpes ;)

 

betsy

 
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