Topic : Coping with STDs

I was diagnosed with HSV2 when I was tested for everything under the sun, after I found out "my husband" was having affairs with other women.  Now at 33, three years later... I strugle with being single, because it seems like most men want to have sex by the third or forth date and I don't know about anyone else, but that is way too soon to be sharing such personal information, that could potentially ruin my reputation. (The HSV2 talk)  I know what you are all thinking... I shouldn't have sex then right... (?) but then, it seems like the guys think something is wrong or less interesting about me if I want to hold-out. 

 

I am so confused on what is right and wrong in the singles-sex world these days.  Maybe a man in his early thirties could help me... Some advise please... What is it that men really want?  Should I hold out, or give in to our passions after a few dates?  I am single for three years because, I believe,  I keep "holding out."  I am to the point where I feel like maybe I appear to be a prude... I am a sexy person, so maybe they are seeing two different sides of me and getting turned off... HELP!!!!  Even though I have NEVER had an outbreak... even with protected sex, I know I could pass the virus... but I don't know which way to turn... Will anyone really ever say... "It's Ok honey, we'll just be careful."  or will they run for the hills and tell all their friends?

S~ in NY

I was married and never thought of my husband giving me anything even close to an STD. Well, I have the gift that keeps on giving. We are divorced and it was a good decision to leave him.

 

I am not like most people who have Herpes. Herpes began a journey for me that has changed my life forever. When I was initially diagnosed, I flipped out. I wanted to die. I signed myself in to a mental hospital. I recieved counseling, support, medication and care for the next 3 years. I decided that since I had an incurable STD......I needed to dig up everything that had ever had any effect on my life and deal with it right there with a counselor.

 

Herpes turned a light on in my head. I got real with myself, my life, and everything around me. I know this sounds crazy....but I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually healthy. I have no shame in my game....I could care less who knows I have herpes. There is nothing I can do about it....just like most people who have herpes.....I was sleeping with the person I was supposed to be sleeping with!!! I am very upfront and blunt about having it. I ALWAYS FULLY EDUCATE MY SEX PARTNER. They should be able to make an informed decision and given the chance to walk away if they so desire. I was not given that chance.

 

I am a Nationally Certified HIV Educator...which also means I am very up to speed about most STD's......when I say I am serious and I don't really care who knows I have herpes......as you can see I am really serious!!!

 

It is time for America to pull her head out of the sand......80 yes 80% of American Adults have some form of herpes. However, I would venture to say the majority of the 80% either 1. Does not know 2. Is in denial (biggy) 3. Does not care

 

So this is no small issue we are discussing here.....THIS IS A REAL EPIDEMIC!!!!!!

 

 

Ms. TJ

 

I firmly believe that in order for a partner to accept that you have herpes, you must also accept it.   How can you expect your partner to accept something that you are still struggling with? 

 

I have told several potential partners that I have herpes, and no one has had any issues with it.  If they did, that's ok.  That's their choice.  That just means he's not the guy for me, and I am free to move on and find someone who is. 

 

When to tell is your decision, as is when to have sex.  If you aren't ready to have sex, and a guy keeps pushing you, why do you want to be with that man?  He isn't respecting your feelings.   On the other hand, if you are ready to have sex, why not just tell the person?  Its not nearly as big a deal as you are making it seem. 

 

If you are having sex with a non-infected man, he has only a 4% chance to get herpes from you if all you do is avoid sex during an ob.  Oh - and that's over the course of a year - not per sexual encounter.  If you take daily suppressive meds, that chance drops down to 2%. 

 

Flip that around, and he has a 96 or 98% chance of NOT getting it over the course of a year. 

 

Oh - and condoms?  Those are a must in any new relationship, and that will drop it down to 1%.  And if you aren't talking about your herpes with these men, are you asking them about THEIR std history?  Are you asking for copies of their most recent tests?  Just because you have herpes, don't forget that there are other stds out there that you need to know if your partner has.

 

Like Ms. TJ, I am a certified HIV educator, and I also test for HIV.  I work in an STD clinic, and do STD education and testing all the time.  You have got to arm yourself with info, and then this won't seem like such a whopper of a big deal.

 

PLEASE read the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com for the best,  most up to date info on herpes.

 

Jess

 

 

How do you tell your long time boyfriend that you got a curable STD, and now need him to get the shot you just got. Situation is, you slept with an old flame while seperated from your long time boyfriend, went back to your boyfriend, starting sleeping with him unprotectedly, then found out about the curable STD from your old flame, and now cant have unnprotected sex with your boyfriend because of fear of getting the STD back. How do you even approach the situation? Oh and Yes children involved with long time boyfriend!

Unfortunately, you just have to do this.  If you let it go untreated, he can have all kinds of problems, including prostatitis and others. 

 

If you were apart from your current bf, had you all talked about being with others?

 

In any case, he might be able to forgive you for the other man, but he probably would stay mad for a long long time if he has severe problems from an untreated std.

 

Good luck,

Jess

I agree with the other response.  You just have to be up front and talk about it.  The bright side is at least it is curable.  what if it was herpes, not cureable.  As with anything, it the love is real, then he should respect and love you more for being honest.  Youn contracted this disease while apart, so it's not like you were cheating on him.  But until everthing is in the open, you will not be happy.

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I did know beforehand and still took a chance. Yes, I lost the gamble, however my life didnt end.  Further, I have always told the person before having sex that I had herpes. 

The past two weeks of my life have been an emotional roller coaster.  I found out I am pregnant. Then I go for my ob/gyn physical and my pap comes back with mild dysplasia and postive for HPV!  I have been with my husband for 13 years!  I have tested negative for everything until now. He insists that he has been faithful.  Then last night he drops this bomb on me that he "thinks" he got an std from his first wife.  He says she "gave him something" even before they got married. He says he never was treated and he "didn't think" he would have it forever and he "didn't think" to ever tell me about it till now. I am so angry I can't even look at him. He has always prided himself on being so smart and educated, now out of the blue-he plays "stupid"!  How can I trust him ever again?