Topic : Coping with STDs

I have told various partners at different times.  I have lost almost all of them once I tell them about the herpes.  It is hard and very painful to find someone you care about and then lose them.  I was in one relationship for 2 yrs.  We did not use protection, he never got herpes.  However, the relationship ended because of other issues.  Since then the longest I have had a relationship has been 2 months.  Both times, they were told when they asked why the condoms.  Both thought about it and then continued the relationship for a short while later -- without the use of condoms.  Then they ended it. I don't have an answer.  I keep hoping someone special will come along.  My ex-husband (who also has herpes) has been a relationship for over 2 years -- so if he found someone and he is an ass, then I'm sure I will too.  It could be too that women are more understanding and willing to take a chance with a partner; where as men see women with herpes damanged goods and won't have anything to do with us.  Who knows??? We have not heard from any men yet.  Guys are you out there?

I am 53, and divorced. I was married 21 years to my 1st husband, and divorced him because he was unfaithful (he also fathered a child unbeknownst to me with his mistress) After the divorce, I dated and remarried having had a few sexual relationships. Somewhere in my past, I contracted HPV, the type that causes cervical cancer. Since I never had any symptoms of an STD, I don't know when I got it, or by whom. It was only 2 months ago when I found out I had an abnormal pap smear that I also had HPV. I am now scheduled for a "leep" procedure to cut off all the precancerous cells from my cervix. This virus is epidemic, with 80 % of the population having it in this country, and most don't even know it. Please tell a friend and also keep up with annual pap smears. If you have a presexual daughter, get her to the doctor because now they have a vaccine for HPV.

I was scared to death when I found out but I know my chances are good because we found it early.

"Didn't you know this would most likely happen by sleeping with multiple people?"

This phrase is simply untrue and such a common opinion of people who "supposedly" don't have herpes 1 or 2.  Chances are, they do have it and just don't even know it.  My issue with this phrase is that it only takes ONE time to get herpes, meaning that you DO NOT have to have multiple partners to get herpes.  Mind you, your chances are increased, but that's with everything in life.

[quote] from ronzgirlj  This virus is epidemic, with 80 % of the population having it in this country, and most don't even know it. Please tell a friend and also keep up with annual pap smears. [/quote]

I totally agree.  I believe that ALL STD's need to be talked about and discussed with our friends family and physicians.  And last but certainly not least any prospective sexual partners, as they are the ones who deserve to know.  There is NOTHING to be ashamed of when having an STD.  It takes a long time to "get used to the idea", but in time, you soon come to realize that the STD is simply a Virus.  Herpes is "JUST" a Virus to me:   http://herpes-virus.blogspot.com/       

On my Herpes blog (noted above),  you will also find a copy of a letter I had written to Dr. Phil which I feel this issue does need to be addressed.  As another herpes friend of mine has said, we need  "herpes heroes"  (did you realize that just by changing the P to an O in the word herpes, you get heroes). 

Someone else had inquired about dating sights, support groups etc.  If you simply do a web search for your city (ie: Herpes Support San Diego) or any city for that matter, chances are you will find either a support group, social group or both.  The majority of the best chat/message boards dealing with herpes are normally found on the yahoo groups.  There are all sorts of groups.  Most are "city specific" where they discuss upcoming gatherings, friendship, support and some have met their "Mr or Mrs Right".   There are yahoo groups which are geared towards certain age groups; (ie: Hover50 - over 50 and living with herpes -support and social), Herpes Support (Picking Up The Pieces, with over 3000 members) treating your herpes through holistic means and so many more.  Just do a search for the type of group you might be searching for.

I have personally found (as I talk about on my blog also called "Supportive Strangers") that just by going to a social gathering, you will soon realize how common of an issue living with genital herpes truly is.  You will experience a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders when you actually can say the word out loud "HERPES, HERPES, HERPES" and no longer feel ashamed.  You will soon realize that you are NOT ALONE and that seems to be the biggest problem with people who are literally struggling with herpes is the emotional aspect of it.  Sure, some people suffer much more than others, in regard to outbreaks etc, some of us, suffer very little, but it's the emotional aspect, the fact that the only way we can live with ourselves is to tell and take the chance/risk of being rejected by a prospective mate.  I have found that being honest has been the very best medicine for me while living with genital herpes.  I'm no longer ashamed as I once was, it's just a virus for Pete's sake!!  :-)

For those of you who are having difficulties having "the talk".  My recommendation is to "get right with yourself" first.  You don't want to tell someone with tears streaming down your face.  Join a support group and get inspiration from others who are going through the exact same thing.  Living with genital herpes is NOT the end of the world, you can still have children and you can still be loved.

"quoting myself"  I believe that ALL STD's need to be talked about and discussed with our friends family and physicians.  And last but certainly not least any prospective sexual partners, as they are the ones who deserve to know.  There is NOTHING to be ashamed of when having an STD.  It takes a long time to "get used to the idea", but in time, you soon come to realize that the STD is simply a Virus. 

Chantel,

I too have few outbreaks(which are not a big deal to me)  When I first contracted I too could not afford Acyclovir and Valtrex was not around.  Anyway, I was told by a medical professional to take the vitamin Lysine.  I think I took about 1000mg / day as a preventative.  It seemed  to work, but I really didnt want to mess with taking it.  I have had herpes for over 20 years and don't really know what the big deal is about it .  Little outbreaks come and go and obviously I would choose not to have it if I could, but have been married for 12 yrs and my husband has never contracted it and was married before that for 5 yrs. and he still says he's never gotten anything.  Neither of them was ever that concerned about it anyway as they could see that  it did not affect my life in any negative way.  I also had a child 13yrs ago and  he was delivered by the conventional method.  Back then, my doctor wasn't even concerned about the herpes thing only saying he might consider a c-section if I had lesions when it was time to deliver.

I just don't know what everyones big deal is with having it.  Maybe my outbreaks are completely different then everyone elses, but I seriously doubt it. 

One last note:  Anyone that would advise a person with herpes to tell their family or someone they are casually dating is an IDIOT.  Just  use condoms (even though I never did with my husbands)  

People are dying of incurable diseases as we speak so to everyone who is so upset about having herpes   JUST GET OVER IT AND FIND SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!!!!!

Haven't had sex with your husband for 3 yrs because he has herpes?  That's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.  Either you are very ignorant or found a good excuse to cut him off.  If I were you I'd be more concerned about infidelity and/or HIV than herpes.  Trust me, your husband has not gone 1 yr. without sex, let alone 3.  He's getting it from someone .

I got herpes in my 20 yr marriage and have had it since 1994 when i had my first outbreak.  AFter my husband died 4 years ago i have been dating only herpes men who i found on mpwh.com   I had painful outbreaks 3 times but now i have them about every 4 years and then for only 2 days and they are minor outbreaks.  I have adjusted to my situation and know that a lot of us have cold sores and genital herpes and it is not a big deal.  Recently I met a non herpes man and after we dated 4 times i knew i had to tell him about my condition.  I wrote him a letter telling him of my condition and watched him read it.  he patted my leg and told me that it did not matter to him; i was important to him and if he got herpes he would go to the doctors; he refuses to wear a condom. Needless to say i cried in relief and respect him highly.  We have a relationship based on trust and honesty and we intend to keep it that way. 

I am very glad to see this discussion on the Dr Phil boards; hope he does a show on this soon.

I have had herpes for 20+ years, I got it when my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me. I have had plenty of relationships with men that don't have it and it really is/was not a big deal. However, I recently met a man that I truely enjoyed talking with and hanging out with, we only went out 2 times but spent very quality time together, We also talked on the phone quite a bit. He was as attracted to me as I was to him, however I knew I had to tell him before it went any further so if he bailed I wouldn't be to crushed, well what happened was after I told hime he acted very non affected by it and at the end of the conversation he said he would call me the next day. He in the mean time decided not to date me anymore and let me know via email, he was a perfect gentleman about it. Me on the other hand have not been as strong as I thought I could be. I do have a question for you. When do you tell them? How do you know when it is the right time? Do you wait till you are in a relationship (non-sexual of course) or do you tell him right away? I noticed you waited four dates, what made you decide to tell him. I am trying to find a baramoter to know when it is OK. Thank you for writing this, I hope Dr. Phil puts a show on about this also.

D

I hope Dr Phil does a story on STD's especially HSV. There has been enough attention on HIV and now with the vaccine for HPV,I don't mean to belittle those diseases,we need more attention on HSV.  Having been infected with the virus I know first hand the emotional pain we feel.  Some don't get outbreaks, some get mild ones and other get them so bad it stops them in their tracks. There are those that don't even know they are infected. That is why it is spreading so fast.  The experts say 1 in 5 have it, I for one thought I was one of the 4. I used protection,did all the right things. I found out I knew nothing about it at all. After being on all the web sites since I found out I feel I am getting educated. My doctors were no help to me, they didn't seem to know anything about Herpes. One said if I didn't get outbreaks I am not contagious.  Imagine if I had listen to him I would have spread it further. 

I have been a widow for 13 yrs. I just started dating 4yrs ago. How and from who I don't know where the "gift" came from but the doesn't matter now.  Education is key. ......if I knew then what i know now.......... Please do a show on this and you will save others from the heartache. Thanks