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January 7, 2007, 5:07 am PST
Hi Angelina2005
Quote From: angelina2005Hi everyone! I'm a 31 year old mother of a 15 month old son. He is my first, and the way I'm thinking....he'll be my last. I never wanted kids, but after finding out I was pregnant I was getting used to the idea. Well, sheesh. I never anticipated these absurd feelings. I was diagnosed with PPD 4 weeks after my son was born. My doctor prescribed Effexor, and I was bumped up to 225mg/day. That's a HIGH dose, or so I think. I made the mistake of quitting the pill cold turkey because I was thinking of the ramifications of addiction and such. BAD IDEA!!! I had terrible thoughts of suicide, but mostly running away and leaving my family behind. I still have thoughts of this and wonder what the heck. My family doctor sent me to a Psychiatrist, and you know what he told me? To get a job. All I needed was to get a job. I'm not a stay at home type person, previously working at least 40 hours a week pre-conception. I had a difficult pregnancy (miscarried my son's twin), placental abruption, bedrest, the whole nine yards. Then my water broke on a Sunday, I had the pitocen injection 48 hours, and after all of that, my son came via c-section. After bringing him home, I had major anxiety attacks and couldn't breathe. I just couldn't deal. I still find myself hating my life and wishing things were different. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but I have these awful feelings still. I'm cranky most of the time, and I honestly don't know how my fiance can handle me. I don't know what to do. Heck he's 15 months now. I am off the pills because the benefits ran out when my fiance quit his job. He's working again, but has another month before we get the medical benefits. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Why do I feel trapped and resentful all the time? I know I don't have alot of "me" time. I have lost my friends because I couldn't deal with everything, and I have no interest in doing anything. My mom has been amazing, and has sleepovers with my boy so I can have a night off to re-energize. It does help, but it's a band-aid really. I need to fix my head. Oh brother. I could talk for hours about this. I've actually admitted to some folks that I hate being a mother. This isn't entirely true, and they don't believe it either. I often feel guilty towards my son with the thoughts that I have. I'm very hard on myself, and expect myself to be the perfect mom...my idea.....the mother who has patience galore, takes her kids everywhere, plays with them, reads to them, and loves every minute. Talk about a feel-good movie I'd like to see myself in. My mother in law said it's perfectly normal to get upset and frustrated. I have a very busy toddler, and he is extremely high energy. Oh brother. I just don't know what to do. Dear Angelina, I too suffered PPD a month after my baby girl was born. I am now 55 and my Little girl is 26 and has two children now. I had another one 16 months after her which added to my depression. At the time my PPD was not diagnosed, but I had a breakdown, I wept all the time, hated my daughter's intrusion into my life. I even heard a voice one day telling me to pick up the kitchen knife and kill her. Thank God i didn't follow the prompting of the Voice inside my head. When that happened i felt so much shame and i felt like a murderer. I was too ashamed and scared to tell the doctor what had happened as i didn't want him to think i was crazy, but at the same time i knew i needed help. The doctors i went to see thought i was a whining young mum(I'm writing from Australia). They would look the other way when i walked in. I shared the voice bit with my local baptist pastor at the time and he said the voice was from the devil and not to worry about it. My Mum has passed away some time before, and my mother in law was busy looking after her other grandchild, a boy, who had come into the world before my daughter. I think in her eyes he was more important. I was Lucky that i had good friends around me at the time or else i dont know what i would have done. I stumbled through, doing the best i could, trying to be a good role model for my girls. Their father never really had much time with them, even though he loved them i'm sure. Four years later i began to experience horrendous night terrors, a feeling inside where i was in a deep dark hole and i could not get out of it. It was scary because i never felt like that before and i was not suppose to feel like that because i was a Christian person and Christians that i knew taught that depression was a sin. They even told me not to go to a psychiatrist because they were from the devil. I had been a fairly religious person at this stage, never cussed drank or smoked. Was always in church, helping out etc. and going every Sunday. I did this for 13years and until all these feelings came and suffered deeply also because of the judgement i received from these same christrians. Everyone told me i was sinning, thats why i felt and was experiencing these sufferings. I had to overcome they said. Well i got to the stage where i said to myself that i had had enough, and i took my first real cigarette then. I smoked quite a bit after that. I finally did see a psychiatrist, in which i was with him for 16 years in therapy. I was on 80mg of prozac for a long long time, but at the end there i was going under again, i couldnt cope at all. By this time my first marriage failed and i remarried in 2000. Secretly i believed i suffered from schizophrenia because of the voice that i heard those years ago. I changed my psychiatrist because this new one was closer to drive to and i was a mess. I had been suicidal often between these years. He put me on Effexor like you, also on 225mgs/per day. He also placed me in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks, and i had shock treatment, seven sessions. I had enough after 3 weeks and i came home. I did feel more settled strangely enough, but at times i have short memory lapses, which is the result of the shock treatment. My husband also suffers from depression and we both attend our Depression Support Group. It was hard going through depression with my 1st husband because he could not handle it. At the end i felt alone and i never felt we truly communicated. I felt he treated me like a child and i at 40 grew up, the child within grew up, and i felt i had grown away from him. The girls were now 12 & 13 and wronly i thought they didnt need me any more. I feel guilty now because they told me they did need me back then. I was all messed up Angelina, all messed up and i was scared my 1st husband was going to put me in an asylum for the crazy people. All these things were going on in my head, I reasoned that it was better that i would leave rather than committ suicide. So i left, with one bag, a $100-00 bill and that was it. I stayed with a friend for a while. Made some dumb decisions and lost my house money.Went through the wilderness for at least 7 years, worked hard at earning some money and winning my girls back. I had some self-respect at last. I met my 2nd husband 9 years ago and we get on well, in spite of sometimes having our differences but we are able to communicate well. He gets on very well with my girls and i get on well with his son and daughter. We will always have mountains to climb i guess. Sorry i have been long winded. Love Maria3255
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