I was always a good child, and always tried extra hard to make my parents proud. I was taught from a very early age the importance of manners, being well-behaved, the importance of an education beyond high school, and to hold high respect for not only other people, but for myself. I was a very intelligent young woman with a bright future ahead of her. My mother always told her friends at work about how I was going to college to get my master's in nursing and was going to be the first of our family to graduate college with a solid degree. I worked full-time as a certified nursing assistant during my senior year of high school and also went to school full-time. I graduated with an academic honors diploma(the highest diploma you could receive from high school) and was accepted to a small, but legitimate university. I planned on working hard and showing everyone how I could make them all proud. My freshman year of college was everything short of making anyone proud. This new-found freedom I had was the best thing I thought life had to offer. I partied with my boyfriend and my friends, and rarely went to my classes. I got mononucleosis a month after I started college and had to drop my favorite class, Anatomy I. Two months later, my boyfriend left me for another girl, and I continued to fail my classes. I was at rock-bottom or so I thought and slowly, with the help of my friends, got my life back. A month after that, my boyfriend and I got back together and everything was ok until he continued to speak to girls whom I had no idea he still had feelings for. The month after that devastating discovery I found out I was pregnant. I was more scared than anything. I was scared of the disappointment that would follow me when I would return home and the disproval of everyone. I felt that I had really done it this time and what else would come my way, thinking this is the worst possible scenario.
Now, a year later, I think to myself, "What in the world was I so worried about?!" I have made it through and am working even harder to make my life better. My daughter was born October 9, 2008 and she was almost 6 weeks early. She is the most amazing child in the world. I love her so much. Most of you are thinking, okay, get to the depression part...
But, I was always afraid to tell anyone what I was feeling after having my baby. I was written off by my mother. She said that I don't need any kind of pill to help me cope with the everyday struggles because it is just motherhood. I believed that until one day, I held my daughter and thought oh my gosh, what has my life become? Why am I, a 19 year-old college student, having to take on this responsibility and not being able to enjoy life? I finally understood that the consequences of sex are much more than having a baby. It takes so much more than physical work to care for a baby. I grew up so quickly that I didn't have much of a choice. I have been through so much in such a short period of time and that makes me so sad. I am not regretful for having my daughter, because I believe she has made me a stronger and better person. I live my life for me and that little girl only. I have learned that the easy way is never the way out. You can only learn from your actions and grow from them. I do not like the word "mistake" because I don't consider my daughter a mistake. She is the reason I wake up in the morning to go to work. Even on the worst of days, I think to myself, "Would my life be any better without her?" And the answer is NO. She is here because of the mistake that I made. She is and never will be referred to as a mistake.
I think a lot of my depression stems from family members. Have you noticed that our biggest competition lies within our own families? I have never heard such ludicrous statements from friends as I have heard from my own family members. No one seemed to think I was capable of raising a daughter, and that hurt me a lot. The people I turned to for support were the ones bashing me behind my back. They have all been guilty of calling me a bad mother for no apparent reason. My mother told me that I do a million times better than she thought I ever would do.
What mother says that? I guess I am just having a hard time accepting that this is my life now, and I have to deal with it the best I can. I just got a full-time job, and am going to school this summer. I am also engaged to my daughter's father and we are going on two years. I just wish I knew why I felt so down all of the time. I think it has to do with a lot of underlying issues that may or may not be relevant to my depression. I just wish that PPD was not looked down upon so much. Is it so horrible that some of us really are having a tough time adjusting?
