Topic : Dealing with Postpartum Depression

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years now and the 1st year was extremely difficult, but I didn't give up.  Everytime my husband didn't like something or didn't want to compromise he would threaten to leave and I would beg him to stay.  Well the last 1 1/2 our marriage was good, we got adjusted to each other and then I got pregnant(it was planned, she is now 5 months old). Since I have had the baby, I was at home for 14 weeks and I had plenty of time to think. I became depressed and very upset about things that occurred in our marriage years ago. Now all I think about is not really wanting to be with him. I don't know if my eyes were closed in the beginning of our marriage or what but its like I had a reality check and I opened my eyes.  I have thought about how he never wanted to compromise on anything and how he always threatened to leave and I just get angry and wish that he would leave now because I don't care. I don't want to feel like this because that happened in the past and I thought we were pass that. The other week I told him how I wasn't happy with how he always making smart comments about my family and how he wouldn't participate in anything our daughter and I was involved in with family members. I told him that I refused to live like that forever and he needed to change or it wasn't going to work.  He told me later that night that he was going to leave. Well, the next day he acted as if nothing happened and I asked him about arrangements as far as putting the house on the market and so forth. He said he didn't want to leave his girls,but he still haven't mentioned anything about compromising in this marriage. During the entire marriage I have been more compromising than he and it has taken away some of my feelings towards him.  At this moment, I feel like I don't want to be a part of this marriage and I don't know if it had something to do with having the baby or what. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know how to act the same with him anymore and he says that he noticed that I different towards him.  Should I call this marriage quits or what should I do to get my marriage back on track?  I'm just confused.

you are not in need of meds. That , to me, would be the last resort. You have twin babies, a full time job, your mother died, your daughter left with her husband, your son is gone. It sounds to me more like you need some support and understanding. I would find a support group for parents of multiple births and rally with other mothers in your same situation.

I have seven children and am very familiar with the feelings of guilt when you leave for any length of time but the more you give yourself that few minutes to yourself every day the easier it gets. It doesn't hurt them and it does you a world of good. They won't even remember you were gone.

Cheer up, you are not alone, its just a tough time but remember, it doesn't last forever. Soon it will be a distant memory.

You told your husband how you were feeling and that things needed to change, and instead of being willing to work on change he said he would leave?!? Yet then he acts as though nothing happened…..which is a ‘stalling’ tactic. He isn’t ready or willing to make healthy changes in his behavior, perhaps because healthy relationships weren’t modeled for him when he was growing up- but you and your child don’t have to wait around for him to decide that he is ready to have a happy life.

Compromise is a large component to marriage in my opinion. Two people are not going to agree all of the time, no matter how much you love one another.

You are the strongest female role model that your daughter will ever have. Everything you do, every decision you make, EVERYTHING in your life is teaching your child about how the world works. If you were to stay in a relationship that does not fulfill your needs, with a person who isn’t willing to compromise, not even willing to think of compromising, then you are teaching your child that this is a ‘normal’ marriage. (It is normalized because she sees it everyday, day in and day out.) Then, when she goes out into the world, she will seek a mate like her father to repeat this cycle. She deserves so much better than this. YOU deserve much better than this.

If only your husband wasn’t so self centered, he could help to save this relationship! The only person you have any control over is you. I urge you to focus your time and energy on doing things that bring you happiness; even if it is only a few minutes a day. Just take a few minutes to go for a walk, or indulge yourself in a good book. I wish you the best!

Do you know if there is a history of depression in your family?

You are the strongest female role model that your children will ever have. Everything you do and say is being recorded and ‘normalized’ in their brains. That means that their mom’s ‘what’s the point” attitude is a normalized part of life, it is how they see you living most days.

You said that you’ve seen counselors, how did that work for you? If you didn’t ‘click’ with your therapist, I urge you to try again with a new therapist. (I’ve been there) It is possible that nothing seems to stick or work for you because when you are depressed, it is difficult to be a consistent person; to change behaviors you must be consistent. That is why I recommend a therapist, because a professional could guide you towards being consistent with your cognitive behaviors.

You probably already know that exercise can be helpful when you are in a depressed state. Many people deal with depression with therapy and exercise, but if medication is necessary, please know there is nothing wrong with that. It isn’t a character flaw on your part. You deserve to live a happy, healthy and fully functioning life.

Thank you both for your replies. 

My husband helps as much as he can.  He is a wonderful father, however he does get a little flustered when they both start in w/ crying.  He does his very best.  When we are home together, he will pitch in and do what ever needs doing, he just not do it well alone.  He tries, but it's extremely stressfull for him..he does try.  I just know that when he gets totally stressed, it makes the babies "concerned".

Anyway, I did finially go to the Dr and talked in length about depression and medication.  I still have not decided to take medicine, I will if I need it, but honestly I agree with you.  It was a tremendous blow to my life haveing so much change so close together.  I do feel better.  I have since had a close family friend volunteer her and her family to watch our babies on a Saturday so my husband and I can have some time together.  I  am greatful to her.  I don't ask anyone to babysit, it's to much, but certain close family members or close family friends I will take them up on offers...when they offer.

God Bless all of you and I pray for a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.

Sincerely,

Sherry

I just had my son, Tyven, 3 weeks ago. Steven is a great husband and an amazing father. We have everything we need and it seems like life is perfect. I don't have anything to complain about but myself. I am so moody and angy and short tempered. For no reason I am miserable and take out most of my frustrations on Steven. I feel like it's not fair to him and wish he could have a wife that isn't so complicated. I've been like this for our entire relationship but it seems worse now because with the baby I don't have time to take a break and it's hard to get "me time".  I spend on my energy on the wrong people. I am constantly helping out friends, always there for them when they need me, going out of my way to help them when I can and never have the kind of attitude in front of them that I do at home. I know what I should do. It seems so simple yet I just let myself blow up over the dumbest things and start arguments that later can't even remeber what they were about. I just can't control my emotions and I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my marriage.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  You've just had a baby and you're exhausted. If your husband is so great then he will understand that.  Mine did.  I'm a bit like you, in that I help out my friends to the point where there's nothing left for my family.  I, too, blow up over the littlest things.  I sure feel silly and a little guilty afterwards.  If you say that you've been like this for the entire relationship, then your husband knows what he's in for and it shouldn't ruin your marriage.

Are you able to take a little "me" time?  Maybe a long, relaxing bath when your husband is home so that he can take care of your baby.  Just lock yourself in the bathroom and run the bath and put in some aromatic oils or bubble bath.  After all, it's his baby too.  It's not like you did it all by yourself.  He had something to do with it, as well.

Also, ask some of these friends to help out.  If they're good friends, then they'll understand what you need and will be only too willing to help you.  If they're not good friends, they'll disappear and not bother you again.

I wish you all the best for Christmas and the New Year.  I hope some of this helps you, or at least makes you smile.  Just remember, you are not alone and you only need to ask for help.  It will come from somewhere.  Take care of yourself.  Your beautiful family needs you.

Bye from Australia.

Ruthieg