Quote From: frazzledmom2I'm trying to post in post-partum....
Is it possible to feel post-partum towards an adopted child?
My husband and I have two biological children and one adopted. Our adopted child and our oldest are the same age.
I never went through the baby blues with my biological children. Our adopted child, on the other hand... I cannot describe any better what I feel for him then post-partum.
We adopted him when he was 7months old. Both of his parents are deceased. He spent several months in foster care before being placed with us.
I wanted him so badly and was extremely excited to learn that our home study had been accepted and that we were going to be able to adopt him.
A month after he came into our home, I started feeling regret for ever wanting him. He didn't want to be held, touched, nor would he play with us. All he would do is suck a bottle. I told myself that it would get better and, as the monthly visits from the social worker continued, I kept a happy face.
The adoption papers went to the judge and were notarized, sealed and done within 6months. All the while, I felt the same way. How was I going to learn to love a child that wanted nothing to do with me?
As he got older, he wanted to be more apart of our family. He took quickly to my husband and our child of the same age. He still wouldn't have anything to do with me.
Now that he wants my attention, I have none to give him. I feel as if it's too late. I don't like it when he touches me or even when he calls me "mom." Even minute things about him disgust me - I was noticing the shape of his head today and couldn't help but think how odd it was.
It's not just his head or the sound of his voice that makes me cringe. His attitude: he's hard headed and aggressive. He was kicked out of our church's play group for biting and taking toys from the smaller children. I have escorted company out of my house early b/c he seems to get extremely hyper when we have people over (jumping off of the furniture, biting the guests when they try to play with him, and I swear he gives me the "I don't care what you say, I'm doing it anyway" evil eye). I have had people refuse to keep him b/c he is so hyper.
My biological children - yeah, they're your typical kids and have their moments when you feel like burying your head in the sand, but they're good kids. They are invited to all kid events (our adopted is normally excluded or we're told if we have to bring him, do so). One loves to read and will build with his blocks all day long. The other is into music and being outside. Neither have had a bad report from daycare.
I know our adopted child is not a bad kid and I know that I am not a bad mother. But the feelings I have for this kid are sometimes right out scary. Today, he burned himself. I kept telling him to stay out of the kitchen - out of the kitchen! The phone rang, and he pulled down a pot of water on his head. Luckily it wasn't boiling, but it was hot enough to make his skin break out in little ride bumps. Instead of being concerned like any parent would be, I was angry that I had to restart dinner. I put some burn gel on him and called the doctor, then went back to cooking, all the while blaming him for a late dinner. After dinner, we went to the pharmacy to pick up the cream the doc called in. I was so ashamed of my kid that I didn't want to bring him in (I did as the weather is warm, but b/c I was afraid of getting into trouble, not b/c I wanted him with me). I've told my husband that I don't feel like I can be left alone with him any longer then necessary - if he is going to be late from work, he can meet us for dinner at the local McDonald's playground - that way he is out of my hair.
I have never had a negative nerve in my body towards my biological children. They are my sunshines; my worlds. I would die if anyone ever tried to take them from me. But my adopted son... sometimes I wish his parents were still alive and would come back for him. To me, he feels like an extra table setting or another bedroom to clean. B/c of his "playful aggression" I won't let him be alone with our younger child. I don't trust him. I'm so afraid someone is going to find out that I have these regrets and try to take my biological children, calling me mental or whatever, that I almost rescent the power this little adopted boy has over our family.
I wanted to do right... But now I am just trying to cope.
Hi there, I was just looking up stuff on postpartum and came across your message on the board. I just wanted to tell you that you don't have to feel so alone. Your story is practically the very same to the experience my mom had adopting a child from Korea 2 weeks after I was born. She really struggled but I want you to know that her relationship with my adopted sister is very good now, but it definately takes time. If you want someone to talk to who will know just what you are going through please contact me, I am sure my mom would be willing to talk to you, even if you just need to unburden to someone who won't pass judgement because she's been there. It was very brave of you to write about this, it is not an easy thing to admit!
