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Topic : Empty Nest Blues

Number of Replies: 135
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 11:19:51 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The last of the kids have all left home, how do you handle your feelings of letting go of growing kids? Share advice and support with others dealing with empty nest blues.

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February 25, 2008, 6:01 am CST

I too have empty nest.

Quote From: emptynstnvymom

It's been a couple weeks since he left for bootcamp.  I'm armed to the teeth with self-help books for empty nesters, web-site links for Navy moms, and the like.  I haven't found a support group though.  Any links would be very helpful.

I’ve been an empty nester for two years now and completely understand the loneliness and worry of all the bloggers here.  To add to this already depressing state, my precious 2 ½ year old grandson (from my oldest child [a son] who had two children and one on the way), was tortured and murdered by his mother, my son’s fiancé.  I have spent the last seven months of these past two years, not only missing my children and those innocent years of their childhood, but grieving the horrific, senseless loss of such an innocent, perfect soul whom I loved so deeply as well.  Reading the posted stories here led me to wanting to share just how I have gotten through it all with the hope that maybe this will help some of you.  Early after my youngest child (a daughter) was gone, I too cried and cried.  I felt as though no one could know or understand how badly I hurt or how very much I missed both my daughters.  Then one day months later as I cleaned out a file cabinet in my office, I came across a poem I had saved several years before that helped me come to more of an acceptance of the real role I play in my children’s lives.  The poem follows, but I’ll tell you too how I have managed to get through the grief of losing my grandson since even though it was a loss through death, it was none the less a loss of a child, therefore relevant to the grieving associated with being an empty nester as well.  I started writing in a spiral notebook, pouring my heart onto the page.  From the beginning through the shock and horror of it all, through the gut wrenching tasks associated with planning his funeral and burying him, right to the present day.  (I think I’m writing a book).  My point is that writing my feelings down and then later being able to reflect on them as I made my way through the stages of grief, back and forth through many of them, helped me find my place of acceptance.  It will always be a tragedy, but I have a very strong faith and know that not only will I get through all of this, but that my beautiful grandson is now home where he belongs and finally safe.  Remember that loss of any kind comes with a grieving process that we will go through whether we are aware of it or not.  Being aware however, of each stage as we go through it and understanding why we feel the way we do, can make the process a little easier to bear.  That’s where writing and later reading my writing helped me.  I hope that I have been some encouragement to anyone who feels lost in their grief.  I found that even a little support and encouragement was helpful in these sad times.

This poem is a by author (poet and philosopher) Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931) from his book “The Prophet” published in 1923.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,

“Speak to us of children”.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but are not from you.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls.

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent

forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and

he bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

God bless you all with the comfort you seek. 

 
February 25, 2008, 12:49 pm CST

I too have empty nest.

I’ve been an empty nester for two years now and completely understand the loneliness and worry of all the bloggers here.  To add to this already depressing state, my precious 2 ½ year old grandson (from my oldest child [a son] who had two children and one on the way), was tortured and murdered by his mother, my son’s fiancé.  I have spent the last seven months of these past two years, not only missing my children and those innocent years of their childhood, but grieving the horrific, senseless loss of such an innocent, perfect soul whom I loved so deeply as well.  Reading the posted stories here led me to wanting to share just how I have gotten through it all with the hope that maybe this will help some of you.  Early after my youngest child (a daughter) was gone, I too cried and cried.  I felt as though no one could know or understand how badly I hurt or how very much I missed both my daughters.  Then one day months later as I cleaned out a file cabinet in my office, I came across a poem I had saved several years before that helped me come to more of an acceptance of the real role I play in my children’s lives.  The poem follows, but I’ll tell you too how I have managed to get through the grief of losing my grandson since even though it was a loss through death, it was none the less a loss of a child, therefore relevant to the grieving associated with being an empty nester as well.  I started writing in a spiral notebook, pouring my heart onto the page.  From the beginning through the shock and horror of it all, through the gut wrenching tasks associated with planning his funeral and burying him, right to the present day.  (I think I’m writing a book).  My point is that writing my feelings down and then later being able to reflect on them as I made my way through the stages of grief, back and forth through many of them, helped me find my place of acceptance.  It will always be a tragedy, but I have a very strong faith and know that not only will I get through all of this, but that my beautiful grandson is now home where he belongs and finally safe.  Remember that loss of any kind comes with a grieving process that we will go through whether we are aware of it or not.  Being aware however, of each stage as we go through it and understanding why we feel the way we do, can make the process a little easier to bear.  That’s where writing and later reading my writing helped me.  I hope that I have been some encouragement to anyone who feels lost in their grief.  I found that even a little support and encouragement was helpful in these sad times.

This poem is a by author (poet and philosopher) Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931) from his book “The Prophet” published in 1923.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,

“Speak to us of children”.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but are not from you.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls.

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent

forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and

he bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

God bless you all with the comfort you seek. 

 
March 10, 2008, 4:10 pm CDT

almost an empty nester

I have 2 children that are on their own. They are 22 yrs and 18 yrs. I have 2 kids still at home. They are 15 yrs. and 17 yrs. I seldom ever see my 17 yr. daughter with her working, friends, and so on..About 6 more months, my 15 yr. son will be 16. Then he willl probably be working too. I don't see him that much now because of friends, school etc.. Kids grow up so fast.. It would be nice to have a grandchild, but I feel that I am too young to be a gandmother...What happen to the time? Where did it all go? It seems has if It was yesterday that I was in pregnant with my first child...I am told that I will go into a depression when my youngest child leaves home.. I already feel depressed and they are not all out of the house as of yet...by the way my 17 yr. daughter plans on moving out within the next few months. She already graduated and now holds a job..her father and II have already given her permission to be on her own....She is mature enough to be on her own...I don't think I am going to be mature enough .to let her go...I want to cry like a baby about my 17 yr. moving out....

 
March 23, 2008, 1:02 pm CDT

E.N.B. before you know your kids?

  My story of empty nest blues begins with that my nest is empty. That I have never seen my kids.They are 6yrs, 3yrs and 4 months old. They all live in Mexico. I have never been to Mexico. My wife, that is married to my heart, is there now with them.

  I am 27 yrs old and will probably not get to see them for years on end. I missed the birth of my blood child. The other two childeren are not my biologcal childeren. All the childeren though are considered mine. I currently work three jobs to help support them as well as my mom, which is a diabetic. I put in around 100hrs worth of work a week and walk away without being able to buy things like razors for myself.

  I'll try to give you a little background here so I don't bore you to death with details. I meet my soulmate back in 06. The first time we talked it took us two hours to figure four things out about each other. She didn't know english to well and I didn't know spanish. Eventually we got better and had created a baby. The first child I have ever had.

  During the first few months of her pregnancy we started what any brand new parents-to-be would do. Getting together and making appointments, seeing doctors, etc.  Her other two childeren at this time are staying with her mother in Mexico. We set up a baby shower for her even though at first she didn't agree. Eventually she came around to the idea of having one. Before that could happen she gets a call from her mother.

  Her mother says she is going to leave the kids alone. She is going to move away and not come back and that she has to figure out what she is going to do with her kids. At this time she is seven months pregnant. As any parent should do she left immediately. Within a week she was gone back to Mexico. I knew at this time I would not be able to see my kid be born or to see her grow up for a long time.

  My place is empty except for my mother . I don't have children running around calling me daddy to get my attention to look at a drawing they did.I don't hear a cry of a small child that got hurt or needs to be changed. I don't even have toys that I have to constantly pick up after themr. All of these things seem mundane to others for me it's something special.

  My attempts so far have failed to be with my kids. My attempts to make more money to be able to save to see those kids have failed. My attempts to have not so an empty nest have failed. What have I done so wrong. Does anybody have suggestions or words of encouagement out there. Please expess them if you do.

 
March 26, 2008, 6:23 am CDT

oldest son was my bestfriend

     I have a 23 yr old son who has just broken my heart.....My oldest son was my bestfriend.....He had lost his job and hit bottom,I had made life as easy as possible for him....He has had a past relationship with my 42 yr old sister-in-law,which in my eyes is unexceptable!!!! So this last week my son against my wishes moved 1300 miles away to live with my sister-in-law....He has broken my heart and not sure if I will ever be able to forgive him???? We have not spoke in 2 weeks,never in either one of our lives have we went this long without speaking....I have other children including a 4yr old daughter who my son was VERY close too...I have made the decision that my daughter will not be able to be apart of her brothers life due to the decision he has made...As you can probably see this has caused MAJOR problems in our family....I MISS MY SON TERRIBLY...Not sure my feelings are right?? Just the way I feel..I know that everyone deserves to be happy,but this relationship sickens me....I have lost my bestfriend,and all's I can pray for is that with time HE WILL COME TO HIS SENSES...If not he will never have children of his own.....I truly want my son to be happy but just not like this....Trying to mend a brokenheart...Can someone please tell me I am not crazy for not excepting this relationship..People will tell me love has no age?? But why in the heck does it have to be my older sister-in-law,my husband's sister??? Thanks for listening !!! Amanda
 
March 27, 2008, 3:19 pm CDT

Is this his aunt by blood?

Quote From: babcocka1

     I have a 23 yr old son who has just broken my heart.....My oldest son was my bestfriend.....He had lost his job and hit bottom,I had made life as easy as possible for him....He has had a past relationship with my 42 yr old sister-in-law,which in my eyes is unexceptable!!!! So this last week my son against my wishes moved 1300 miles away to live with my sister-in-law....He has broken my heart and not sure if I will ever be able to forgive him???? We have not spoke in 2 weeks,never in either one of our lives have we went this long without speaking....I have other children including a 4yr old daughter who my son was VERY close too...I have made the decision that my daughter will not be able to be apart of her brothers life due to the decision he has made...As you can probably see this has caused MAJOR problems in our family....I MISS MY SON TERRIBLY...Not sure my feelings are right?? Just the way I feel..I know that everyone deserves to be happy,but this relationship sickens me....I have lost my bestfriend,and all's I can pray for is that with time HE WILL COME TO HIS SENSES...If not he will never have children of his own.....I truly want my son to be happy but just not like this....Trying to mend a brokenheart...Can someone please tell me I am not crazy for not excepting this relationship..People will tell me love has no age?? But why in the heck does it have to be my older sister-in-law,my husband's sister??? Thanks for listening !!! Amanda
 Is this a sexual relationship? If  this is his aunt by blood, I would say that this is a case of incest. Even is it is only an aunt by marriage, I would be still be upset. It makes you wonder how long this relationship has been going on. I believe relatives, by blood and by marriage, have a duty to their family. It sounds like the aunt has crossed her boundaries within the family relationships. Your husband should be upset with his sister. She must be very insecure and immature.

I would try to keep what communications you have, including with his sister, open with your son. Maybe your son will realize on his own as he matures that this realtionship is not right and this shall pass. We have to as parents let our children go and let them make their own mistakes in order for them to grow into mature adults
 
March 27, 2008, 9:28 pm CDT

letting go

I have two grown girls 25 an 21..We all went our seperate ways 4 yrs ago,well sort of..I ended up moving in with my youngest sister and my mother,it was suppose to happen that way cause my mother got termanally ill with cancer and we kept her home i quit my job and took care of her until she passed..My sister is the bread winner in this family so she pretty much takes care of the bills..Then i moved my oldest in with my sisters premission of course so she could go back to school for her lvn..My youngest though has been a mess..She already has my granson Jesse hes 3yrs now,not with the father they dont get along,so she met this other guy shes been with now for almost 3yrs and they were gonna have a baby,she was due to be born on Dec 22,2006 she went in that morning to be enduced and they told her she lost the baby..WOW 3 days before Christmas she had to deliver her anyway.that was the most heartbreaking thing ive ever been through watching your daughter give birth to a still born...We all were ther for her and got to spend time with Airyanna before they took her away..My daughters a mess,shes been in to drugs,she just lost her home or apt shed been living in and i dont know where they are going to go or live..I cant offer any help cause i live with my sister and theres no room...I cant financially help cause i only  make minimum wage i feel so depressed over this..i cant even take my grandson and raise him cause i cant afford daycare or to quit my job.....I though motherhood ended when they turned 18.....im a total basket case cause i cant fix things an make it ok for them...How the heck do you let go and just walk away and hope for the best...Im illl cause of this...
 
March 28, 2008, 8:53 am CDT

Empty Nest Blues

Quote From: clutterer11

 Is this a sexual relationship? If  this is his aunt by blood, I would say that this is a case of incest. Even is it is only an aunt by marriage, I would be still be upset. It makes you wonder how long this relationship has been going on. I believe relatives, by blood and by marriage, have a duty to their family. It sounds like the aunt has crossed her boundaries within the family relationships. Your husband should be upset with his sister. She must be very insecure and immature.

I would try to keep what communications you have, including with his sister, open with your son. Maybe your son will realize on his own as he matures that this realtionship is not right and this shall pass. We have to as parents let our children go and let them make their own mistakes in order for them to grow into mature adults
"Thank You"........so much !! This is a sexual relationship......I have known this not to be the first or second time they have tried to work on a relationship....And they always have known it has NOT been exceptable by me or other family members...I haven't talked to my son in weeks I MISS HIM SO MUCH....My husband nor I have had any communication in awhile with my sister-in-law,I can't pretend this is alright....I just pray that my son will grow up and realize that this is not exceptable.....It this relationship he would not be bale to have children and that alone breaks my heart....I will have patients and pray,until he comes to his senses I will not be able to have communication.......I love him unconditionally,just having a HARD time over looking this one,and I cannot teach my little children this is O.K.....Thanks
 
April 30, 2008, 12:36 pm CDT

Remedy for Empty Nest: Foreign Students

My son is away living in a dorm room at college. I am so pleased that he is having a life of his own. I miss him terribly though. He phones most nights while he walks around the campus, and we talk about his day.

 

When he was 15 I filed for divorce from his dad. I stayed in the house where our son had been born and grown up. I signed with an agency to provide room and board for foreign students. I did this because our son was an only child and always wanted siblings. My ex never was home at a decent hour for us to have family dinner (and no, it wasn't always work!)

 

Dinner time became fun. The student sat and ate with us. My son was beyond happy; he was thrilled and ecstatic to have an older boy in the house. They hunted each other down whenever they came into the house. When the boy moved into an apartment with other students, we were sent another student; a girl. Not such a compatible fit, but they did verbal sparring and traded help with homework. One day I came home to find the girl squatting on the floor wearing swimming goggles and my son standing at the sink wearing his chemistry goggles, as they both cut and peeled onions. The next boy was a video game nut, and when we picked him up at the airport, it was like twins separated at birth reunited. Our last one was a severely hearing disabled guy, who came to the U.S. to learn American Sign Language and perfect his English speaking accent. Because my son had been learning ASL from me since he was young, the two of them traded dirty words and signs in each language.

 

The last 2 yrs of our son's high school were enriched by these friendships. We are still in touch with most of the kids. After our div. was final, I had to move into an apt. With my son at school, I became very depressed. Finally, I called the agency and asked for another kid. She made a huge difference! Our earlier girl student came with me to pick the new student up at the airport, and the other kids including my birth son were there to have dinner with her at the apartment.

 

She has now moved into her own place, and wants to come with me to pick up my next student in June. All of these kids just fit in together - making adjustments where necessary. Hosting foreign students was a wonderful empty nest remedy and helped me pay my rent as well. They enjoyed being pampered, and picked up pampering habits to do for each other in one way or another. When we had reunion dinners, they would not let me do the dishes!

 
May 27, 2008, 9:21 pm CDT

miss my grandbaby

i need some advice, my daughter got married and had a baby girl my first grandbaby, she was going to live with me till dec. 08 till her husband got them a place 3 hours away. when she moved out i got the baby for the weekend, i spent 100 in gas to go get her and take her home friday and sunday. now my daughter said she cant go without her. so i cant keep her till shes older. im so heartbroken. they told me i could have her anytime i wanted now they changed their minds. i dont like her husband they both changed the day they said i do. my daughter is 21 and gets mad when we give her advice, and hes 48. all i do is cry my sugar is running 400 blood pressure 187/101 i need to get my health back on track. everyone is telling me to do tough love. i told her im done i will leave her alone. but i miss the baby so much she is 5 months. what can i do? please help tina
 
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