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Topic : Empty Nest Blues

Number of Replies: 135
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 11:19:51 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The last of the kids have all left home, how do you handle your feelings of letting go of growing kids? Share advice and support with others dealing with empty nest blues.

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May 31, 2007, 10:34 am CDT

Gone but not forgotten

I hope that young people can read this as well. I try to look back to when I left home and if I knew the pain ,if my mother would have let it known, I would have made it a bit easier. A child leaving home is necessary, they have their own life to live their own adventures and mistakes to learn.  One thing that would help is communication, there is no excuse today for a child/young adult to not let her mother know she is alright, she is fine, and not worry. We as mothers can still worry, as mothers do ,but no contact as in my case is heart wretching pain. My daughter dissapeared and refuses to let me know how she is doing, I can only assume she is okay since she refuses to answer my calls or emails. I have told her over and over, I loved her and to please contact me. The biggest problem that we had ,that she is upset with me over, is that she moved 3000 miles from the east to the west coast to live with a friend she met over the internet. Anyone as a parent would be upset about this ,but she felt in e-mails, several months ago ,that I was unfair, controlling and un-fairly judged her friend and this is why she is shunning me now. She said I was paranoid and that things don't happen and if it does it is Gods will. Please communicate with parents and parents please be aware of who your child is talking too.
 
June 4, 2007, 12:10 am CDT

lost and alone

Wow! So I'm not the only mother who feels lost without her kids.  My youngest just moved out 4 days ago and I have done nothing but cry.  Now I need to find purpose in my life.  I feel like I have nothong and noone why am I still here. Surely it is not to make my husband happy cause hell I never see him anyway.  When I do see him all I can think about is that it's his fault all m kids left.  I need major help
 
June 8, 2007, 10:08 am CDT

wish I could suffer the empty nest blues

But my 26 yr daughter will not leave. She has a mild case of cereabel palsey and just refuses to do anything. she will not go to school even though it is paid for, won't get a job. she just plays on the computer all day. I know she would enjoy life and feel batter about her self if she would just DO SOMTHING.
 
June 12, 2007, 9:09 am CDT

Be ever so careful what you wish for...

Quote From: kwindshawn

They need to have a forum on here about parents being happy their kids are leaving home.  Since we fight constantly and my daughter is a mean person, I personally can't wait til she leaves home.  I am awful, but it's how I feel.
I know believe me, I know.  I have five sons, none of whom now speak to me.  I was (am) a good mom, stayed with my children, and for the most part thought they were happy too. I have no idea, my heart aches for them.  Though I have moved on, I go to school full time now and relatively happy, I still wish I had a full life with my children and grandchildren. My boys are mean also, and things in their lives will not be right until they fix whatever problem they have with me.  But, they don't see that yet.  With girls, I've talked to so many people who say mothers and daughters go through stuff but generally the girls change for the good, and you two will look back and be glad you hung onto her, she needs you no matter what!  Your feelings are understandable for now, things will get better, switch your approach!
 
June 12, 2007, 9:18 am CDT

I feel your pain

Quote From: sunsethorizon

I hope that young people can read this as well. I try to look back to when I left home and if I knew the pain ,if my mother would have let it known, I would have made it a bit easier. A child leaving home is necessary, they have their own life to live their own adventures and mistakes to learn.  One thing that would help is communication, there is no excuse today for a child/young adult to not let her mother know she is alright, she is fine, and not worry. We as mothers can still worry, as mothers do ,but no contact as in my case is heart wretching pain. My daughter dissapeared and refuses to let me know how she is doing, I can only assume she is okay since she refuses to answer my calls or emails. I have told her over and over, I loved her and to please contact me. The biggest problem that we had ,that she is upset with me over, is that she moved 3000 miles from the east to the west coast to live with a friend she met over the internet. Anyone as a parent would be upset about this ,but she felt in e-mails, several months ago ,that I was unfair, controlling and un-fairly judged her friend and this is why she is shunning me now. She said I was paranoid and that things don't happen and if it does it is Gods will. Please communicate with parents and parents please be aware of who your child is talking too.

Hi there. I am a mother of five sons, all of them are gone and grown, but do not want me in their lives. I have five grandchildren out there. I am missing their love, they are missing me, even though they don't know it yet. One day they will. My sons do not want to communicate with me, and no reason why. There excuses are poor. They all had a pretty decent life, even though divorced and problems, I still kept them in good schools, no crime, I stayed home as much as possible, 3 meals a day, never beat them or severly punished them.   Who knows?  Of course I am guilty of mistakes, and not thinking they are forgetting any of those.  However they were not life threatening mistakes.  Maybe they were a little spoiled, but why would they not talk to me and talk to the dad they never knew. I begged that man to see his sons, to send a card. My kids did not want to talk when I'd dial their dad's number up. Now, they go see him, 16 years absent, I was there!  "He gets to see the grandchildren",   I don't get it. I am in  so much private pain.

Filling up my time is easy but sleeping without the nightmares is impossible I think.

 
June 12, 2007, 9:37 am CDT

yes, i understand the pain

Quote From: lionness77

I also have been through this situation, having one son who moved far away at 16 or so, wanted back to NJ from Florida. 

Then, my middle one had a baby when barely 18 and his girl 17.  they are nearby, but now the little one is 5, and i have enjoyed being a grandma, but now, it is like an empty nest all over again.  My daughter who is 18 has a baby nearly 2, and has been in and out of my life.  every time we get closer, her father who hates me, plays games, now, today, she is moving out with the baby, and mad at me.  i feel like i am beaten up mentally, the more good things i do, the more i feel taken advantage of, and now, my pride and joy little pal of nearly 2 is leaving, and i will most likely not see her for  her birthday in 2 weeks, and god knows for how long after that! 

I am feeling so depressed, and that it has to be something i am doing. i work a lot too, but just have not had time to have the outside interests, always busy, this all is devastating!

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the child mostly. the baby doesn't know what is going on!  At older ages we(our hearts) understand babies better than when we were young and thought they would adjust to every stupid thing we as young adults did.  They don't always recover, feellings of abandonment run deep, they get low self esteem, they are injured souls. Grandparents are the most important people in their lives and our grown up children are still too not grown to realize all of this.  Think of when it was we realized it.  So..suggest you ask her to please join you in famiy counseling for the sake of the child.  Ask her for one sure day a week, or two, which you are assured to see her, so that she has some sense of stability left in her little life.  Ask her to call you at least two times, if only to leave a message each week that all is well. Ask her, tell her, what you need to right now, before she's gone. This is child abuse, neglect, what she is doing is ripping the child out of her surroundings every time she has a gripe. She is using the child like a dangeling carrott, getting what she wants from that. Too bad, can't change it, counseling may help.  Do something, be as calm as you can. Get an order from the court if needed to see your grandchild, you can, because you have been a significant part of her life to this age. Do it.Blessings and I am holding the light with you.  Patti(peridot)

 
June 12, 2007, 9:57 am CDT

They don't even call or speak

No matter what I do to fill my time in life and try to do good for others, I am in pain. Working through pain, but at night, the nightmares are horrible.  I dream of my boys and cry to them to please tlak to me.  They dont want to talk to me, they don't have a reason to give me, and seldom even tlak to each other.  I don't know. I am so upset, my dreams of grandchildren running around the house, and Holidays(awful), and weekends filled with emptiness. I just want to see my five grandchildren and my five sons again before I die. I am so lonely, even with a full life. I have not ever heard of anyone with all their kids not speaking. I am a good person, never beat my kids, always was there, at home, cooking cleaning and doing side jobs of the same to earn money cause I didn't get fortunate to divorce a rich man. Not either of my husbands cared to pay child support. The only reason the first one wanted the boys was to not pay. He was drug and alcoholic.  The second alcoholic left and never turned around. Never talked to the boys or sent them a card. I tried so hard to get him to be a part of his life with them. He went to Fla. from Ca. and moved in with an old girlfriend of mine,who is rich. He works for cash, travels with her and still owes almost 0200, 00 child support. Never see a dime, the DA has had this case for 16 years.  Oh well, my inheritance is spent on the kids and now I have been broke for several years, the last  two left and never turned around, when I ran out of money.  I am so devistated. I am in school now and have a wonderful man who works two jobs a day. He is so kind. I am not living the rich life, but I'm not on the street either, thank God.  I wish I knew someone to talk to that understood this heartache, maybe i am the first for this one!  Thanks for reading. Patti
 
June 18, 2007, 8:53 am CDT

Emptiness

 Such sadness when a child just stops suddenly calling ........ Ive always been very proud of my only son. He just turned 24, he is a heroe to my eyes, with great conviction my boy joined the air force and served for seven years just finishing to start university. It wasnt an easy ride all this time, we went thru the ugly teens , he was hard at the time but even then my love for him made me support him and i was tough but for his own good and I see now the results, he is resposable , independant and i dont worry much about he maturing and finding the right path eventually. But the day the phone stoped ringing , turned my world upsidedown. We have been always closed , kind of boy that calls home almost every day and chats with you about dreams and what not.

  Militar affects kids in many ways , and he went to war at 17 , he has seen uggly side of this world, and i think this probably affected him. he changed, he is rude and hard. But still i could see my son shine thru this person with tattoos and that drink a bit much during his vacation time and me being his mom poits out the "dont do this or that" and then our last visit he verbabllly attac me in the kitchen. I felt hurt and cried, i apologize to him for without meaning butting in his bussiness but i m looking after my kid, in a way he is still so young. But never the less he just got so mad at me and until today i just dont know why. I get so sad, this sadness that hurts inside. On mothers day this year he didnt call , or write or nothing, his militar life ended this month and I knew the day so i email him to say im proud and look foward to see him, and hope his life is going to be great now, no response. HIs birthday just pass and he didnt take my call or his sisters either. My girls took it well , i was a mess. What hurts me the most is my daughters are such good good girls, 16 and 13 and they told me mom, we do good in school , behave and love you so much and you look so sad. HOw do i stop this!!!!!!!! I love my kids the same, but this that my son is doing is hurting me. Im getting married next month i asked him to come to the wedding and he said what for., is a fucking wedding only , his reply, So this is not the child i raised.

   He met his biological family three years ago and that is when all changed, even though i know deep down he loves me and meant when he told me you are my only mom, its hard for me. He s close to his "new family" and i dont understand how a child can do that. To me he is and always will be my son, i wanted a kid so bad then, and the day my boy was born was one of the happiest days of my life. So for him to just disconect with us, is so hard to take and i feel awful my fiance is the most caring person, such good decent man and he is supportive and very patiente with me and my afliction but oh well is so complicated. I just needed to share with anyone how i feel and how much i m hurting and maybe get ideas how to deal with my situation.

   Im working in my green house and planted so many tomatoes i imagine each one is like a new child that ill seee grow and develope. Makes me feel at peace but then every night i think of my boy and every morning first thought is my boy and i need to get over this, anything remainds me of him and i just cry .
 
June 18, 2007, 9:19 am CDT

I Can Feel Your Pain

Quote From: dragnfly88

I really need some help, I have wrote to Dr.Phil for help several times but I guess its not important enough, --yes I am upset at all the drama in my life due to kids.

My 20 year old has moved on, and that was alot to deal ith as we are really close and her leaving home was hard for me and I was depressed for a long time, She always has been such a good daughter and I have always been proud of her and she continues to make me proud. She has a really good job, is putting herself through college and has bought a new car, and her and her fiance have just moved into there first apartment.

But the bad news is she just discovered she is pregnate and is very unhappy about it, and I am supporting the decision she makes, and when they moved into there apartment yesterday they discovered the place was filthy and filled with cockroaches,on a year lease.

poor kid!!!!!!!!!!!!

My 18 year old is struggling with life, she is a good kid, no drugs, booze.

But she thinks the world is out to get her, she is a senior and is not applying herself in school, she is going to fail a subject that keeps her from getting her diploma with her class. I have been so involved in school trying to help her but I guess you cant help those that dont want to be helped,she hates my husband, and he doesnt like her. They fight all the time putting me in the middle, which causes huge blow ups with my husband and I and we dont speak for days.

Last nite she tried to talk to me about dropping out of school and going to get her GED. WHAT?????????

a month left? that desnt fly with me. I made the MISTAKE of telling my husband, we got in a big fight and not talking again.I dont think that punishment is the answer, I think helping her get through school and working hard to have her graduate is the key.

I am at the point where I want a divorce, I want her to move out. But I have divorced once and I am not about to start over again at 45. WHY does life have to be so comlicated and why do people have to work so hard to have a good family life?

I am a strong woman who has been through alot in 20 years, and I should be able to handle this. But no matter what I do it blows up in my face. I just want to give up. I need Dr. Phil

Dear Mother,

Oh how well can I relate to you. I am a mother of three children, ages 23, 233, and 18 years of age. Firstly, my children has given me so much pain and grief that it has made me numb. My eldest child son was incarcerated at age 17. He is now serving a life sentence for being at the wrong place, at the wrong time. All my life, I have struggled to be a good mother for my children. I was a single parent for over 8 years, and trying to cope and deal with each child individually. It was extremely hard.

I would be at work and to recieve a phone call that my son was doing something in school, or not in school, or in trouble with the law. I had many nights where I would go to bed praying that God send some relief because I had grown so tired of trying to get my children to take the right direction in life.

Then my eldest daughter started causing me grief, she got pregnant at 16 years old with my granddaughter, and eventually I had to work three jobs just to provide for them all. Not only 4 months after having her 1st child, she became pregnant again with my grandson. By this time, I had finally met my current husband. After one year, we decided to get married.

My eldest daughter does not like my husband at all!! They constantly fight and argue with one another, keeping me right in the middle of their disagreements.

My daughter is so naive, and she does not understand what being an adult means.....Both children have different fathers, and neither father is instrumental in raising either one of the babies, so my husband has taken on the challenge of being both the male role model, and grandparent for them both.

Just recently, we found out that my daughter has been diagniosed with HIV. Now, what do I do?  I have always tried to instill in each one of my children the importance of being respectful to one's self, being your own bread-winner, and to take life seriously.. My eldest daughter feels as if I owe her my life, that because I am her mother, that I have a duty to raise her children, with a smile on my face. I have taking my granddaughter, she lives with us because my daughter finds the need to be around all of the wrong type of people, and I am considering taking my grandson as well, but then I asked myself just where and how will I find time for my husband, my career, and the things that is important to me at this time in my life. I've  paid my dues, and I raised each one of my children ALL BY MYSELF, with no family, or help, so now I feel as if I'll have to raise my grandchildren as well.

I love each one of my children, and the one child that has made me know that I wasn't a complete failure has been youngest daughter. She is the only one of my children that has went on to college, paying her own bills, and getting things in order for the future.

I am so tired, tired of being there for them, and getting nothing in return meaning that I don't see any progress being made.

I will not allow my children to destroy my marriage, and trust me, children can do just that. I thank my husband for taking on the tasks that he has, and he tells me all of the time that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it.

I have done all that I can do to show my children that yes, I have your best interest at heart, and nothing has made a difference.

I feel so bad for my grandchildren because in essence, they have a child as a mother. She doesn't have that maternal instinct, and I am afraid that she'll never gain it.

So Reader, trust me I can really understand where you are coming from. I don't want to throw my hands up with them and say:'I'm done'.  but I've got to cut the umbilical cord at some point.

I am 42 years old, and I still feel like I am responsible for raising my grandchildren now. I am still waiting to exhale.

 

Respecfully,

LaShawnna A. Burney 

 

 
June 18, 2007, 11:25 am CDT

letting go

Quote From: wolfje

Well, first of all I think a parent must realise the child/young adult is now on a stage of leaving the safe house and go for a place for themselves. It isn't easy to let your children go, but if you are sure you educated them well, it wil be fine (at least in the most occasions) I do see a lot of parents (here in the netherlands) whom are letting their children free on a young age.... 13, 14, 15 that's irresponsible. Just make sure you did whatever you can to make your young adult independant and can stand up for them selves

 

Well that was it for now, hehe

 

Grtz,

 

Wolfje

 I actually feel very proud that my son is independant, responsable like i said before i have lots to feel good about my boy and the only thing is you never expect that when u have a relationship that is good in every way with your child , without an explanation he just breaks all contact with you. I think you are a young girl Wolfie and that is why you see it from the perspective of a young adult. I was young once lol, i still feel very young and I am very active , but when you have a kid then is different, i left my mom , all my family in Costa Rica and came to live in usa then all over the place in erurope but i always made sure to keep contact with my mom, not only on mothers day like many people do, every day we should tell our love ones we love them, every time i spend time with friends or famly i wish them well and try to be pleasant and enjoy their company. I dont want to have to wait in my dead bed to see if my son will show up and tell me again, miss you mom or love you mom. Is not hard when the kids leave the home, true enough is an empty space, but my goal i reached with him, he has the tools and good morals and values to do good in life, all i wished was to have our relationship like it was before, a call here and there and talk about whatever, for a mom like me, just to hear his voice is a big help, yeah i do call his number and just listen to his voice. That is all I have at the moment and I just hope once he matures and has his first kid will realize how much i love him and how sometimes we parents might do the wrong thing with the best intentions in the heart, If there was a school to be the best mom i can be , ill be the first one ti sign in but we moms are humans too and make mistakes. I make sure if i offend my kids or anything i do wrong i m humble to say I m sorry , and listen to them. But again, one never knows what life will bring along the way.............
  I read here so many stories that make me realize I m not the only one suffering, i do go thru pain inside, so deep, so strong, but take one day at the time and my memories, with my son and seeing him grow up into the man he is today that noone will ever take away from me.

   Though to kids that might read this, yes we all leave the nest, and yes it is hard for moms specially, but one gets used to it, and is actually nice to have time to yourself. But never hurt your parents, one never knows if that was the last day you see them and at least in my heart I know if i loose my mom im absolutly sure probably last thing i ve said to her is thanks mom for being a pain in the past and shaping me into the mom i am today, and I love you old lady! So no mean no worries!!!!

  In any case i recomend to all to plant something, i plant tomatoes, they are like i said my new pass time kind of activity and it does help, they are grateful, little water and they look so nice! tall growing strong, each one is like a new life that you keep going until you see the fruits and enjoy, pure content and enjoiment!

Thanks Wolfie though! for your coment, believe me nothing i want for my kids but to see them find their path in life and have a good one!
 
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