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Topic : Empty Nest Blues

Number of Replies: 135
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 11:19:51 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The last of the kids have all left home, how do you handle your feelings of letting go of growing kids? Share advice and support with others dealing with empty nest blues.

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August 7, 2007, 2:00 pm CDT

I understand completely

Quote From: kwindshawn

They need to have a forum on here about parents being happy their kids are leaving home.  Since we fight constantly and my daughter is a mean person, I personally can't wait til she leaves home.  I am awful, but it's how I feel.
I understand completely what you are saying. I have a son (my only son) that is 22 years old and we have never really be able to get along. He is so mean and selfish I simply don't understand where he gets it from he has an older sister 24 and a younger sister 20 and he fights with them just not as much as he fights with me, don't get me wrong I do understand that parents and children will and do have misunderstanding but my son is so disrespectful I simply can not wait for the day he leaves my house. He works everyday but say that he can not afford to move out which I know is a lie because he does not help with anything at all in the house. I have threaten to have him evicted, which I still don't understand seeing that this is my house and I should just be able to put him out and be done with it but the police officer that I spoke with said that I couldn't do it that way I would have to take time off of work and pay to file papers to have him put out of my house. I have a 4 yr old grandson that also stays with me and I don't want him around my son..Because I don't care what I have to do my grandson will not end up like my son. My daughters and my son were raised together in the same household and my daughters are not like that at all.  Maybe at times I wasn't the best Mom I could have been, but I did everything I could to make my children's childhood a good one, seeing that their father was never in the picture.  Of course it wasn't easy,,but  we made it together as a family but my son has never appreciated anything that I ever done, I actually thinks he resents me for leaving his father when he was 3 years. But if he only knew that was the best thing I could have done for myself as well as for them 
 
August 8, 2007, 2:50 pm CDT

What a sad story

Quote From: keisha03

I understand completely what you are saying. I have a son (my only son) that is 22 years old and we have never really be able to get along. He is so mean and selfish I simply don't understand where he gets it from he has an older sister 24 and a younger sister 20 and he fights with them just not as much as he fights with me, don't get me wrong I do understand that parents and children will and do have misunderstanding but my son is so disrespectful I simply can not wait for the day he leaves my house. He works everyday but say that he can not afford to move out which I know is a lie because he does not help with anything at all in the house. I have threaten to have him evicted, which I still don't understand seeing that this is my house and I should just be able to put him out and be done with it but the police officer that I spoke with said that I couldn't do it that way I would have to take time off of work and pay to file papers to have him put out of my house. I have a 4 yr old grandson that also stays with me and I don't want him around my son..Because I don't care what I have to do my grandson will not end up like my son. My daughters and my son were raised together in the same household and my daughters are not like that at all.  Maybe at times I wasn't the best Mom I could have been, but I did everything I could to make my children's childhood a good one, seeing that their father was never in the picture.  Of course it wasn't easy,,but  we made it together as a family but my son has never appreciated anything that I ever done, I actually thinks he resents me for leaving his father when he was 3 years. But if he only knew that was the best thing I could have done for myself as well as for them 
 When you say your son doesn't help with anything in the house do you mean he doesn't pay any rent? If that is so and he doesn't help in the home and causes conflict then he needs to start growing up very quickly. You will know that you are (here comes that over used word) enabling him and difficult as it is going to be you are going to have to make some tough decisions that help YOU get what YOU want. You have to decide, do I want him out of my home and possibly out of my life, because he is now a grown man and has to start acting like it. If you do want that then you tell him 3 months and you must find somewhere else to live, you aren't happy here and you need to find somewhere that you are happy.  Keep reminiding him, 2 months to go, 2 weeks to go, etc and make sure he is packing his stuff and getting another place to live.
If that isn't what you want then you have to decide what it is you want as there will be arguments and unpleasantness but if you have a goal then stick to it. You aren't helping him grow up, if you let him continue to act like a moody tenager. A mother always feels guity no matter what she does for her children so try not to let that emotion cloud your decision making.
Good luck
 
August 29, 2007, 11:01 am CDT

a Mother's love

My first four children were raised by me, in a little logging camp: along with their womanizer/ predator father.   They haven't forgiven me for leaving him.  The second man in my life had no children, so we prepared and planned for a child, one who would be part of the "best" of my life.  He became bipolar, and left when she was 3 years old.  Her older siblings raised her.  I worked at every job I could find, to support her.  I also had some disastrous relationships, men and drinking problems, along with cancer scares, and bad health.   I have a wonderful man in my life now, ( in our 60's) who makes me very happy, and even though he hasn't a clue as to how to relate to children, he has tried.  She has turned all the children against us, citing our 'oldfashioned' rules,  lack of  attention to bad behaviour by the grandchildren,  and practically caused a split over these problems.  Now she has gotten violent.  She attacked my partner, punched him in the face, broke his glasses and gave him a black eye.  He instinctly raised his hand and slapped her back.  She was holding her 5 month old baby at the time, and yelling her head off, and nearly let the baby drop from her left arm onto the campfire and woodpile.  I reached down to grab him, to protect him, and she kicked me on the left side of my head and chest and screamed...."don't touch my baby!"  I ended up on the ground, another man came between she and my partner, and someone else took the baby.  The police were called, and she became the victim.  We have been accused of causing the fight,  being drunk and disorderly,  and sending her to the hospital with a 'cracked' jaw.  My other children believe her diatribe, and feel that I haven't ever stopped "causing fights and drunken brawls in the family"  Now I am being kept from my other grandchildren because I will be "intorducing this next generation" into the world of booze, and out-of-control behaviour.

Episodes from 20 years ago are drawn upon again and again,  to put me down, and not allow any forgiveness for having

 a.  left the father they loved,  and

b.  taking up with these 'no-mind' men who don'f fit into their lives.   I am 64 years old, and would like to know when it will stop.  When can I just sit back and enjoy life as most people do when they are retired? 

 My youngest daughter is a tall, beautiful kickboxer--she teaches at a fitness centre.  The rest are all capable, well-mannered, civic minded individuals who have done well for themselves.  Did't I ever have some part in seeing to it that they were brought up with some kind of care and love?  It seems not. 

 
September 4, 2007, 2:15 am CDT

Dealing with the controlling parent

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible.  I am 18 and my boyfriend of eight months is 20. I have been out of my mother's house since I was seventeen. My boyfriend on the other hand still lives at home. His dad is a vet and his mom breeds horses out on their farm. At one time it was said that my bf was to be a vet, take over the business...etc. He never wanted to be a vet so never went to college for it. I would assume they would get the picture that he wasn't going to be at home forever but, apparently I missed something! The problem is not with his father really because he is really supportive of him and our relationship. The problem lies in his mother...I forgot to mention he is an only child...My bf and I always knew of each other from horse shows and things but, I never knew that he liked me or I would end up being with him. It all began when I was asked to come and work at the farm with him helping with the young horses. We began dating very soon after I went out there. His mom didn't seem to have a problem with me. She never said anything to my bf or acted as if it bothered her. He comes to see me everyday when he gets done working for his dad as a vet assistent (hint, hint). When he is at work his mother orders him around almost in a slave manner and cusses and is just very rude in anything she says to him. When he asks her why she is being so mean her reply is "because you're dating HER."

 I never thought anything of it but his mom would call every single time we would be together. Sometimes even up to 3 to 4 times, about nothing! Pointless questions and telling him things he would need to get done the next day and it just really started annoying me! So I spoke up, I told my bf that it bothered me and asked why she does it and he kind of said okay and tried to ignore what was going on. He tried ignoring  calls but she would literally call back until he answered!! So turns out she HATES me. What can you do? She says I'm a "sissy girl" that I "distract him" that she liked his ex (who was a cheater) much better than me. Now she doesn't say these things to me but she says them to her son everyday that she hates me. I am very supportive of everything that my b/f has planned for his and our future because we are very serious in our relationship. I treat him with love and respect and loyalty everyday. I don't understand what she has against me? I'm very responsible I have a good job and I'm mature. What is she seeing?

So he is out of state right now for a two week long college course and she says I qoute, "How come you have to go all the way to OK when you could go to that school for the same course that is closer to home?" It makes me sick. It's like she will never see him again or something. Why doesn't she be happy for him being successful and  hard working, with a supportive and just as hard working partner? She tries to hold him back for so he will do what SHE has planned and what SHE  wants. So my question is for any mothers with one child and it being a boy what is going on? Why does she hate me and why is she being hateful toward he son? Isn't she doing the complete opposite? Pls don't take any offense I just want to get her point of view and I'm not ready to face her myself.

Thank You

 
September 4, 2007, 8:53 pm CDT

empty nest early????

  I am 36 years old and my children are 17 and 12.  This is probably going to sound silly but, I feel that I am going through the empty nest early.  They come and go all the time. I realize that they still need me but, like my oldest has a job, school, friends, and really not much time for good old mom.  My youngest of course is home alot more but, due to divorce goes to his dads house on weekends or everyother one and then we have sports, friends, girls, school, and there again at this age who wants to hang with mom.  It also doesn't help when my current husband works two jobs and wants to work due to he is from mexico and feels he needs to work all the time so when we get older we don't have to want for much.  I just feel really down and empty like everyone is growing so fast and I'm not sure if I'm ready.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Thanks

 
September 14, 2007, 12:23 am CDT

help me understand

i was a single mom for 12 years and gladly devoted myself to my kids. now that thewy are grown they seem o have forgotten me and instead constantly are with their dad- the mand who beat me and cheated on me and who we literally ran for our lives from. he never helped raise them financially or in any other way... it is killing me each day that my kids act as if i don't exist. i understand all kids grow up and leave home but i never thought in a million years my kids would totally reject me. i am now 51 single still moved to care for my aging and dying parents which in turn left me without a job a home or a future. i was in a terrible accident 2 months ago and now am unemployed and maybe soon to be homeless...my youngest son was hit by a car when he was 6 and by the grace of God survived and started to recieve a large settlement in may of this year...i really need some help now but he has turned his back on me..we cannot even talk and i rarely see him..he chooses to be with his father who lets him do whatever he wants--since may he has blown over 30 thousand dollars which his dad says is his choice and he can do whatever he wants... i feel like i wasted my life raising kids who rejected me in the end when i am as low as i have ever been.. i don't know what direction to go in and have little hope of having a life again...this deep sadness in my soul doesn't get weaker it grows each day...i just don't know what to do anymore and i have never felt so alone rejected and hopeless
 
September 26, 2007, 4:22 am CDT

FORTHCOMING EMPTY NEST

My daughter is 17 & is hoping to go to college in another city next year & to leave home at that time. I am really anxious about whether she or I are ready for her to go. I know it isn't about how I feel and I try not to focus on my feelings but on preparing her. I would prefer her to stay at home at least until she has completed her primary degree. Anyone else worried about the future in this way?
 
September 26, 2007, 5:23 am CDT

to empty nest early

I feel a bit like that too. My kids are practically the same age i.e. 17 and 13. The 13 year old is constantly telling us she can't wait to leave. I know its not directed at us but it reflects the fact that she want's to spread her wings & experience life. But when I hear her say how desperately she wants to leave it breaks my heart. I don't truely believe they know what they are saying at that age as they have never been truely independent. So that's the only consolation. Also I think as parents & adults we need to find a new interest .... what do you think?
 
October 6, 2007, 9:59 am CDT

Ongoing saga: Is it hurtful to tell the truth?

 
October 6, 2007, 10:03 am CDT

Ongoing saga: Is it hurtful to tell the truth?

As we know, saying something in anger is not the right way to handle emotions.  But living a life of lies doesn't help to deal with past memories.   My family have discarded me because I've told true stories about their father.  I, too, have tried to apologize for things said.  I realize now that you can't take any of it back.  BUT--what if I don't want to take it back?  Why is it more important to not say the things that weigh on your mind, fill your memories, and take over your life? 
 
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