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Topic : Empty Nest Blues

Number of Replies: 135
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Created on : Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 11:19:51 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The last of the kids have all left home, how do you handle your feelings of letting go of growing kids? Share advice and support with others dealing with empty nest blues.

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June 13, 2009, 4:16 am CDT

In short form...

Quote From: terrifonseca

 My son who is 18 years old just graduated from high school a week ago.  I had a celebration for him on Friday.  Everything turn out beautiful, everyone came and we had a great time with friends and family.  Come Sunday night my son is in his room and I come into say goodnight and ask about his Saturday after graduation.  They had what they call a lockdown at the local university with all the seniors.  I proceed with several questions about some gifts that he received at his graduation party on Friday.  Well he snaps at me and replies with  Why are you asking so many questions. I was very hurt so I say goodnight and leave his room.  The next day I ask him if he wants to go with me to check out a vehicle that my husband might purchase for him.  He says no in a rude manner.  I was so saddened by his behavior that I just leave the room. Then my husband calls me and I start to cry.  Feeling like my son doesn't want anything to do with me.  I'm upset so when my son comes to ask what is wrong I refuse to talk to him.  Then later he leaves and tells me he;s going to look for an apartment to live in.  Mind you he just graduated on Saturday this is Monday.  I'm very upset.  To make a long story short I've spoken to him but he hasn't returned home.  He's staying at a friends house and says he's moving out.  My husband says let him be.  I just don't like that he's imposing on his friend's family.  He has a vehicle to get around but no job and no money.

Your son is trying to separate from you because that is the natural approach to adulthood (only, he doesn't quite know how to do it). Who did?

 

Your son is also feeling sad but does not know how to show it. He knows his time is coming to step up to the plate and grow up, even having to leave the place he lived in all his life. It is not easy for a young person to understand the emotions that go along with change. Adults have had more experience so they are able to make more sense out of their emotions. I would only offer him words of encouragement, support and compassion as he ventures along the path of the unknown and change and separations and let him prepare, with your calmness and non attachment to the outcome, so that he can be a person that he will later be able to respect and know that he had your respect as well.

 

His temper is a front. He is just as scared as you are.  :)  Kimi

 
June 14, 2009, 8:55 pm CDT

confront other parents

Quote From: kimikomine

Your son is trying to separate from you because that is the natural approach to adulthood (only, he doesn't quite know how to do it). Who did?

 

Your son is also feeling sad but does not know how to show it. He knows his time is coming to step up to the plate and grow up, even having to leave the place he lived in all his life. It is not easy for a young person to understand the emotions that go along with change. Adults have had more experience so they are able to make more sense out of their emotions. I would only offer him words of encouragement, support and compassion as he ventures along the path of the unknown and change and separations and let him prepare, with your calmness and non attachment to the outcome, so that he can be a person that he will later be able to respect and know that he had your respect as well.

 

His temper is a front. He is just as scared as you are.  :)  Kimi

Today we called our son to return his cell phone to us. I decide that if my son was going to move away one of the conditions was that we would not pay for his phone.  He moved in with his friend who lives with his parents so I wanted to confront  my son's friends parents.  I wanted to discuss and inform my self about what conditions and for how long were they going to allow my son in their home with out him contributing to the cost  of his housing.  My husband says to let it be but  I don't like that he is not going to learn anything about what things cost if this other parents continue to feed and provide a place to play and lounge around for my son.  This well defeat the purpose of him knowing  what it is to be on his own.  Please help me with  my decision.  I'm afraid that if I don't speak up my son may get into drugs or other illegal things since the parents of this other boy provide everything plus money for their son  and some of his friends.  My son is 18 years old already but I still want to
 
August 13, 2009, 5:02 pm CDT

i got the blues

Quote From: ritehere

Hubby and I drove over to the town where our son is attending college last night. We had some things to take to him and wanted to have dinner and visit with him. We've visited a couple of other times since he left in August, but I noticed a difference in him this time.
He had been sick, caught the cold that's being passed around in the dorms and still had some residual congestion. He had bought me a CD that he knows I like. When we sat down to eat, he made sure his father and I had our menus first, and that we ordered first. He opened doors and waited on us. These are small things, but as a parent I was moved beyond words. He is homesick, but assured us that he loves college. He is finding his classes challenging but enjoys them. He is trying to qualify for a master's program.
He did say that weekends are boring right now because there's only one other guy in the whole dorm that does not drink or do drugs on the weekends. Until he finds others like himself, he has taken up running in his spare time. A bicyclist following him one day informed him that he kept up a steady 8 miles an hour for quite a ways.
 He mentioned all of this in an off-hand, casual way, but I know that it's hard for him. My heart aches with pride.

Omg ! My daughter is 17 and she has been my life forever , we are bestfriends, and always will be .

But  her grandmother needed her to move in with her and help with things , cause no one else will, So i let her , cause when holly was little and i was a single mom, just her & me , her gran helped us so i think i'm just giving back.. Now all i do is cry cause i miss her so much . everyone thinks we were fighting , but we have never ever done that , she has been the perfect kid never got in trouble , never ask to go anywhere,or do anything . she always just stayed home with  me , her stepdad  and her little brother .I've heard that if your child stays home and  don't go anywhere , That they  are Happy at home .  is  that ture  ? what do i do ?I MISS HER  .  I thought  well i have a 7 yr. old, so i thought that it would be great if i spent  my  time with him  like i did with her , but he is a daddys boy .

 
August 14, 2009, 4:06 pm CDT

Its harder once they leave.....but

I have to say since I've been now through this two times, that basically once they reach that age, it's perhaps best they do leave.  It's hard but, when I weigh both sides of it, and see how it's been for other parents, when they're kids still live at home.  Well, I think now, I'm lucky both my kids left at 18.  They both went off to college, and doing well..It's just I find it harder, feeling so far away.  Since, I was basically a stay-at-home mom, I guess, I made them my life.  But, I worry more...especially, my daughter. 

 

She has a b/f, and I don't know what to do.  I mean, he's disrespectful to me.  The way he speaks, and he doesn't (as yet) make any efforts to meet me.  Any suggestions?  This will be a two part post.

 

Dee

 
August 14, 2009, 4:24 pm CDT

pt. 2

So, I was wondering,  if your child (20) and away at college, and has a b/f.  and I feel, he speaks in a disrespectful way to me, and I've told my daughter but she doesn't say/do anything what I should do?  She's been with him, for over 1 yr. now.  I went out there, to spend time with my daughter and said I would like to meet him/take them out to lunch.  But, that didn't happen.  He didn't seem to make time??  Again, my daughter doesn't say anything.  Should I talk about it again, OR just drop it?  I mean, she says it's not serious, and yet I feel it is.  I mean, he gave her a ring with a diamond.  Yet, she says it's nothing...

 

I'm just feeling very uncomfortable about this whole situation.  Maybe, I'm old-fashion, and from the 'old-school' where parents MEET the guy she's with...and the 'guy' is VERY respectful!!  OR ELSE lol...When I was out there, the 2nd day.  (I rented a car) and my daughter ask if she could take it, to see him.  I said she could, since she said it was just a short while.  She called me, and ask ME if THEY could take HIS mom out to dinner..NEVER inviting me?!?  I couldn't believe it...so, I go very hurt/confused/upset...HIS mom lives where they do..I'm 8-9 hrs. away...my daughter later, said she was wrong and sorry..but, still it remains in my head, that it was HIS idea...because, later things got worse, my daughter was just all over the place with emotions, because she missed him..and it was HER that ask me to come see her...anyway, I called him, because things just getting worse and worse...He hung up on me..which made me upset..then, his voice was VERY disrespectful when he answered..anyway, I went home early...and it took 1 yr. to finally get things better between her and I..and I ask her, if her b/f could just send me a card..saying, that next time I'm up, he'd like to get together..and yet, nothing...Anyone have any suggestions??

 

Dee

 
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