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Topic : Empty Nest Blues

Number of Replies: 135
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 11:19:51 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The last of the kids have all left home, how do you handle your feelings of letting go of growing kids? Share advice and support with others dealing with empty nest blues.

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September 5, 2006, 3:17 pm CDT

understanding things

Depression comes in a lot of ways and I have a couple myself. I'm going through some things that brings me down like finances and my daughter stealing from people.

 

I'm trying to find work and its hard these days but I don't need my child picking up what doesn't belong to her.

I need some advice for her and myself. So can someone tell me who I can talk to?

 

 

Nilla  

 
September 7, 2006, 10:21 pm CDT

Empty Nest Blues around the corner

 My eldest daughter is 24 and planning to move in with 2 friends to a flat (apartment ) across the road from our family home in a month. The younger girl returns to University in 3 weeks. Therefore we wil be without our 'fledglings' and it will be the 2 of us for the first time in 24 years. At the moment I'm looking forward to it as there will be less washing & general housework and more room in our home for visitors to stay overnight. There won't be the morning rush for the bathroom and life will be generally calmer ad less hectic.
However we know we'll miss them, even though one will be literally a stones throw away and the other will be back in the Uni. breaks. So I'm anticipating Empty Nest Blues, a strange feeling of wanting them to go and get on with their life and wanting them to still have to rely on you for every little thing like they did when they were small. Once they've gone hubby and I have a couple of small holidays planned and we are anticipating it being the start of us being the people we were quarter of a century ago! I'll get back to this message board with an update when they've gone. If anyone can offer me any advice or let me know what to expect as a loving and proud Mum returning back to being half of a couple, please let me know.
 
September 8, 2006, 12:06 pm CDT

Is it nature or nurture

Quote From: housewife376

 I really understand your points. I have 3 sons. My oldest is very successful in his field. My sons are all different;- you could never tell that thay are related at all. My 24 yr old works full-time and has his own business after work. He does just great.--My other 2 sons are totally the opposite. I have a 19 yr old that bounces from job to job, and finally realizes that he must further his education to get anywhere in today's world-- And the 17 yr old is the youngest, and the total opposite.

In our town the first week of school just passed. He missed 2 days of school already, I had no idea until my older sons friends told us. I am really worried about the 17 yr old, he is so bright and he is throwing his whole life away. I started noticing chnages last year, when he quit basketball after playing since elementary school. He is a very gifted player. My 3 sons are extremely different all the way around. My 24 yr old, is a outstanding role model for the other 2 younger ones. I don't understand what went wrong with the other  sons.

Isn't it amazing how they can be soooo different.  I know there would be differences because of the different gender of my two kids, and because we are all the same, but whoa Nelly, how did this happen?  I do a lot of praying:))  That is the only thing that helps me hang on and not worry 24/7.  It does help that we now live 2 1/2 hours from each other.  I saw him this weekend and as I was looking at him, I had the biggest sense of disconnection from him.  I'm not sure I even know him anymore.  I wonder if and when he will see the light.  My prayer is that God will put someone or something in his path that will finally let him see the light.  Nothing I have said or done has helped.

 

 
September 8, 2006, 12:07 pm CDT

Empty Nest Blues

Quote From: wunderschoen20

Isn't it amazing how they can be soooo different.  I know there would be differences because of the different gender of my two kids, and because we are all the same, but whoa Nelly, how did this happen?  I do a lot of praying:))  That is the only thing that helps me hang on and not worry 24/7.  It does help that we now live 2 1/2 hours from each other.  I saw him this weekend and as I was looking at him, I had the biggest sense of disconnection from him.  I'm not sure I even know him anymore.  I wonder if and when he will see the light.  My prayer is that God will put someone or something in his path that will finally let him see the light.  Nothing I have said or done has helped.

 

I should have said we are NOT the same:))
 
September 15, 2006, 9:41 am CDT

Feeling You

Quote From: kwindshawn

What horrible things to go through.  Seems like jobs just want us to be unfeeling robots, and as soon as our wires become crossed they want to throw us in the junkpile.  The world would be so much better if everyone just took the time to care for each other.  I am at a loss as far as advice, but I for one will be hoping for things to improve for you.  Hang in there and know there are people praying for you. :-)
My children are all out on their own.  They are ages 21, 23 & 26.  I am so sad because I feel like my life purpose is gone.  You pour all your time and strength into raising the kids, then what?  I recently finished college and have started my own massage business and it has helped.  Now that I am doing for myself more it is causing problems with my husband.  He's so use to me being a housewife that the change is a shock.  I understand how you feel about no one being there for you - me too!!! We have got to be comforted at some point - why don't people understand?  Caregivers need comfort and support and a shoulder to cry on OR, like me, end up in the mental hospital for a week.  Girl - we have got to take care of ourselves and do what makes us happy or we will go crazy trying to please and take care of everyone else!!   Just imagine - a life with no drama - how nice - but only in the movies!!!
 
September 16, 2006, 9:15 am CDT

Empty Nest Blues

Quote From: musicallady38

Depression comes in a lot of ways and I have a couple myself. I'm going through some things that brings me down like finances and my daughter stealing from people.

 

I'm trying to find work and its hard these days but I don't need my child picking up what doesn't belong to her.

I need some advice for her and myself. So can someone tell me who I can talk to?

 

 

Nilla  

Hello Nilla,

I am suffering from Depression too right now. This has been a difficult year for me and my husband. He has helped raise my daughters and now they have turned against us.  We have yet to figure out why, except to say that they have become materialistic and expected a lot from us. We have been there for  them, and we feel we have been taken advantage of.  Our dissappointment of our children is not always our fault, as they do things that have nothing to do with us. I am trying to sort this out. If you need some one to talk with, I can listen, as we are struggling with this too..

 
September 18, 2006, 9:29 am CDT

Empty Nest

Hello All,

 

While I have posted to other boards this is my first post to this board.  I am a single parent of a 18-yr old son.  I have raised him on my own since birth and his father has never been involved in his life. 

 

My entire life has been surrounded around my son.  I have attended every game, musical performance, school event, etc., you name it.  Never missed a one.  This September when school started I felt empty b/c he didn't have to go.  He is still home now but will be leaving for college at the end of the year.  I AM FREAKING OUT!!!

 

I have always dealt with depression my entire life and now I fear with him being gone I will have to deal with it head on.  I am not in a good place right now and fear the unknown.  On top of this my boyfriend of 1+ years just broke up with me last night.

 

I am looking for some solitude.  I just started a new job and quite honestly don't think I can work another day.  I am thinking of asking for a leave of absence.  Being here doesn't take my mind off of anything.  I haven't done an ounce of work since I arrived an hour ago.  I have sat on the Dr. Phil board and check personal emails. 

 

While I got up on sleep this weekend b/c of the depression I did not sleep last night and I have not eaten in god knows how long.  I have lost 20# in the past three weeks, between the new job stress, relationships issue with the boyfriend, and my son leaving.

 

There has to be something out there better then this.  I can't keep doing this every day.  I know that there has been many times in my life that my depression made me consider suicide, however, the only thing that stopped me was my son.  I could never leave him w/o a mom to raise him.  He has been my life.  Now with him leaving I am scared.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for letting me vent.

 

T ~

 
September 20, 2006, 6:38 pm CDT

Empty Nest Blues

Quote From: nrs1108

Hello All,

 

While I have posted to other boards this is my first post to this board.  I am a single parent of a 18-yr old son.  I have raised him on my own since birth and his father has never been involved in his life. 

 

My entire life has been surrounded around my son.  I have attended every game, musical performance, school event, etc., you name it.  Never missed a one.  This September when school started I felt empty b/c he didn't have to go.  He is still home now but will be leaving for college at the end of the year.  I AM FREAKING OUT!!!

 

I have always dealt with depression my entire life and now I fear with him being gone I will have to deal with it head on.  I am not in a good place right now and fear the unknown.  On top of this my boyfriend of 1+ years just broke up with me last night.

 

I am looking for some solitude.  I just started a new job and quite honestly don't think I can work another day.  I am thinking of asking for a leave of absence.  Being here doesn't take my mind off of anything.  I haven't done an ounce of work since I arrived an hour ago.  I have sat on the Dr. Phil board and check personal emails. 

 

While I got up on sleep this weekend b/c of the depression I did not sleep last night and I have not eaten in god knows how long.  I have lost 20# in the past three weeks, between the new job stress, relationships issue with the boyfriend, and my son leaving.

 

There has to be something out there better then this.  I can't keep doing this every day.  I know that there has been many times in my life that my depression made me consider suicide, however, the only thing that stopped me was my son.  I could never leave him w/o a mom to raise him.  He has been my life.  Now with him leaving I am scared.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for letting me vent.

 

T

Dear T,

Sending a child off the school is never easy, but remember that no matter where he lives (in a dorm or at home) you are still his mother.  You will be his mother forever.  There are going to be so many new experiences that you are going to able to share with your son in the future.  His graduation from college, his college girlfriend, his marriage, grandkids.  For all of these things you are going to have a front row seat, you have earned it.  Keep him close in your heart everyday, the love you have for him will help you get through each day. 

dana

 
September 28, 2006, 8:29 pm CDT

Same boat...Food for thought

 

I am a 37 year old single mom, of an amazing 18 year old college freshman who is now attending a university 800 miles away.

 

 

This is what I do to counteract the empty nest woes:

 

I have taken on the roll of an employee/ parent to a freshman in college. It’s a job. It is an important multifaceted job. And oh my word, is the pay lousy! Now then, here’s what I do; I focus on what I can do for my son, anticipate his needs, (as difficult as that seems, and as much as it annoys him), then I listen to him, all the while stepping back trying not to ask too many, “QUESTIONS”.

 

Stress? Depression? I can relate to that.

 

My son worked a part time job as a highschool senior and saved most of  his own paychecks all through the summer, and it wasn't much, He saved it of his own accord in order to help pay for little things when he got to college.  I encouraged him to save, I paid him an allowance for helping me out. I do send him some “mad money”, any small amount, although not much, due to the fact that I am disabled, and get social security.

 

I didn’t even have one thin dime to help pay for his college, ( even though he was an honor role student, and got great scores on his SATs etc., and all his teachers liked him, and his college was more than happy to get him). He only got partial financial aid. There was a computer glitch, I’m not sure what, but even though our contribution responsibility according to the state,  was ZERO, and we filed the first day we could to FAFSA, and FAFSA said he was eligible for 100 percent financial aid,  his college said that the financial aid “ran out”. Can any of you all relate to this phenomenon? So you see, it is my job to find him money, under the couch cushions, on the floor of my messy car, wherever! Now that’s a job.

 

I wait for his calls, and I call him and e-mail him. That’s a  fun job!

 

I mail him packages of cool stuff, little things I find in the house he may want, or some gum/candy and a cool coffee mug he might like.

 

I say to him, I’m proud of you, I love you, and I’m happy that you like it there. (At his university).

 

What a great job eh?.

 

My new job is (as always); Mother,  listener, e-mailer, accountant , package sender, and  soft shoulder to lean on. All these tasks I do from 800 miles away from him, and yet…..

 

I’d do them just the same if he still lived in my nest.

 

 

Focus on your new role….don’t focus on being “alone”.

 

Because you’re not………………………..

 

 
September 30, 2006, 8:51 pm CDT

Empty nest and divorce after 26 yrs-alone

After 26 years of marriage my husband left last March 2006 and our divorce was final Sept 11, 2006.  My daughter is married with two beautiful boys and they live in Nevada and my son is in the Army and stationed in Colorado and  just came home from Iraq.  I realize my marriage couldn't last much longer but now I am having to deal with being alone in my apartment.  I have never lived alone before and I'm 52 years old.  On one hand I feel free and creative and on the other hand I get scared.  I am getting more involved in church and in teaching my piano students and am real upbeat then.....but there is always coming home to an empty apartment.  How can I find fulfillment all alone now.
 
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