I'll start at the beginning by saying that I've got the reputation of being the controlling, butting in, unreasonable, demanding, needy mother-in-law. What I've done to deserve it, I don't really know. I've read a few of the other message boards and am appalled at the MIL stories. What I'm looking for is just advice on how to get along. I've tried everything – or almost everything. My husband is suffering too and I can't stand to watch it.
My daugther-in-law doesn't like me. I've known it for years. She says that's not true, but her behavior says otherwise. My son has a fiercely independent streak, has since childhood. His upbringing wasn't too difficult, no big problems from the parent's point of view. No drugs or alcohol – excellent grades. But he did strongly resent any place where his parents had to "control" him by being parents – such as curfews. That was the biggest bone of contention during his teenage years. But boy was it a big one. If I remember correctly, it was 10 p.m. on school nights and midnight on weekends. Midnight, by the way, was in violation of town law. The town had an 11 p.m. curfew law, so at midnight I was literally risking telling it to the judge. Even though he's 28, it seems that he's never gotten over it. So, he's the ring leader in my reputation.
The big trouble started when our grandson was born. He's 8 1/2 months old now. I can't win. I'm dealing with a first time mother who's naturally protective and defensive. Since I'm not her mother, I don't get the trust that her mother gets. I understand that. I was once in her spot. But gee. I can't say anything that isn't misconstrued.
Example: While she was pregnant, they bought a house. My son proudly showed me his new home. We walked to the backyard, which is beautiful, and I said, If you plant a tree over here, it would shade the swingset. I went on to tell about a particularly pretty tree we had at an old house. That was the end of the conversation. I've had skin cancer, and I've been told that my type was the direct result of exposure as a child, so I am particularly conscious of this issue. Guilty as charged. I'm forever offering people sunscreen. My son went straight in the house and told the DIL that I think they need a tree. Two months later when her mother visited (she lives out of town), her mother brought it up by saying, I hear you want a tree in the yard. What kind are they supposed to get?
Example 2: This was the only time I've ever spoken harshly to her and it looks like it will haunt me forever. I had the chance to babysit for about 2 hours – only because I asked. The baby was 3 months old. Within a few minutes of the DIL's arrival at home, I sat on the couch with the baby on my lap. He was facing me and we were "communicating". He kept staring at my hair so I tipped my head down and let him touch the top of my head. Her voice went up and with urgency in her voice she said, Don't let him do that. Tell him no. We're teaching him not to pull hair. I snapped back. I said, You think that's bad, just wait 'til I give him a wooden spoon and let him bang on my pots and pans. I also told the baby (as if a 3 month old can understand) that he could come to my house and do whatever he wanted. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt totally controlled. The result has been fighting over it repeatedly. I usually bring it up. I've been told that that was something she felt "very strongly" about. That I was disrespectful to her in her own home. I can't be trusted to follow her rules. What if it was a health issue. My son's advise - I should just promise to do everything I'm told. Good grief. Can this be blown any more out of proportion. This isn't a huge health related principal to fight over. It's a 3 month old who touched my head.
They took a week long vacation. Went on a cruise recently and imported her mother to babysit. The DIL said her mother got to babysit because she never gets to see him, and besides, she deserves it because her mother helps and makes the effort. Despite the fact that her mother lives so far away, money is no issue for her family, so there's never ending airplane tickets. There's been multiple trips and she's probably been with the baby at least 10 weeks of his little life. We've seen him about 2 hours a week on some weeks. We call it supervised visitation. They will let us visit, but we feel so nervous and uncomfortable we hardly enjoy it. My husband was so heartbroken that we weren't asked to babysit for vacation, he sobbed like a baby. He couldn't make it through the day at work without breaking down.
We had a family meeting last week. We were totally honest about our feelings. We said that we haven't been able to properly fall in love with the child. We feel sad and guilty. That were jealous of her family. That's hard to admit but true. Why deny it. Her mother gets a week at a crack of unbridled family love. We get a couple hours of chewing our nails to the quick. I said that we needed an emotionally safe environment. Their house isn't it. The result was that we could come pick him up on a Saturday and keep him for the day.
That's something but hardly a long term solution. Any ideas? I've offered my husband to keep my distance. Let him visit alone. But he's says it's no better when I'm not there.
One more example: The day the baby came home from the hospital, we stayed in the family room while she and her mother went to the living room to nurse the baby. After 2 hours listening to her and her mom in the next room chatting, we left. DIL has since said, we didn't have to leave – as if SHE was offended. After 2 hours, I thought the message was pretty clear.
I had an idea a couple of days ago. I set my son up with a profile on my Netflix account and asked him to pick out some movies. I'm looking for a way to fill the silence when we visit. I don't talk much any more when I'm there. My son has neither answered, nor ordered any movies.
Help us. Is it time for us to just fade into the woodwork? That may be the wisest thing to do. I don't see it as feasible to fight them in to treating us better. And we're tired of feeling like we're just tolerated. He is their baby and I'm not the type to do the grandparents rights battle.
