Quote From: jfunnygirlHI, I am new to the board and after reading some of the questions and answers I thought maybe I could get some advice from all of you too. My daughter will be 14 next month, she has always been a really good kid, good grades, good friends etc. About 4 months ago she really started to change. Some of it is because her dad and I are divorced and for the first time since our divorce he is finally being a dad to her, and she loves that (so do I, it is good he is being a good father finally). However he made this change because he got married again, and they bought a new house and just have this "perfect" little life now. She sees her dad with all money he wants and all the things that money can buy. To top it off, her step dad and I are really struggling. My husband last year in Nov became so sick he had to stop working, he has a very rare disease and it has really taken on a life for all of us. Because of this, my role has changed from working-mom, working to help with things to provider, and this changed our lives. I felt in order to really make things easier and have a better life I would need to go back to school so I go to work full-time and school full-time this all happened in the last month(the school part), so up to this point I did work full-time but I was home every night with the family. Before I started school I asked each of our children if they were okay with it etc...anyway back to the basics of what I needed. She wants to move to her dads now, she said it is so much better there, but there are boys involved as well. She is so hung up on one boy it consumes her. Up to this point she has liked boys but this one is different. Her dad and I decided she could not move in the middle of a school year and her dad didn't want to pay the money it would have cost to get the papers drawn up, so we decided to have her go live with him this summer, however that is still 8 months away and it is all I hear about. It really hurts me, I am not dealing with it well and I don't know how to address it to her without making her feel bad because that is the last thing I want to. I know she wants to move, but it is for the wrong reasons, a boy, and because she feels like she will get all this "stuff" from her dad...but I know her dad and she won't. He left because he had a 17 year old girlfriend she was our babysitter and he and her lived together a year after our divorce before he finally grew up some and realized he had made a huge mistake, during that year he maybe saw our kids 5x...I have been there since the day she has was born and I have never walked out on her, and now I fear losing her to the person that did...I don't know what to do, do I let her move and pray she will come back, or do I refuse to let her move and have her resent me. Sorry if this makes no sense I am just emtional and stressed, I don't know what to do..I am lost.
First of all, it sounds like you've bitten off a really big bite. Now, you're having trouble chewing it.
Having a sick spouse is difficult to begin with, but when you combine that with a divorce, several children, and a completely new schedule...YIKES!
As the breadwinner in your family, it may seem like it's important to look at the big picture. Yes, you should. The big thing though, is that your children don't have a concept of the big picture. They live at the end of their noses and it might be okay for you to go back to school, on the day you asked them, but, maybe not a week later, when the reality of the changes in their lives is right in front of their noses.
Also, your boy-crazy daughter is simply doing what young girls do. The thing that compounds it for you is that she knows that your own personal life is a sore spot and she knows that she can use that against you. She may not even realize that she's doing it.
I am divorced and have 3 kids. Each one of them got to a point in their development where I had to give them the "Your Dad and I will never get back together" speech.
All divorced children have a secret desire for their parents to be together and everything will be okay. Most kids don't even realize that they feel that way. Mine didn't, until I put it into words. Be as honest with them as you can. Don't "dis" Daddy, but tell the truth. They'll handle it.
Talk to your daughter. Level with her in a pleasant situation. Appeal to her as another (almost) woman. She will appreciate you more if you ask for her advice and if you are open to listen to her concerns.
Talk to your ex. It may be difficult, but, the only way you can raise these kids together, separately, is if you both know what the other parent's parenting ideas are. If they are totally different, speak to your kids. Let them know that even if things are different with Dad, when they come back, nothing will have changed.
Even if your daughter is being silly "in love" with this kid, don't freak out. Remember your own experience with your first real boyfriend. Try to relate to her at that level. She won't rebel against you if you are on her side. Ask the silly girl questions: Is he cute? What is his best feature? etc.
You might consider making a plan with your husband so that you can actually manage work and school. You may need to wait on the education for a short time. Making a rift in your family to achieve a degree is never worth the extra couple of bucks your sheepskin may bring you.
Kids are people too, and they feel like you do. They just don't have the communication skills to express it in a way that you might better understand.
Take three deep breaths and decide to live peacefully within yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
Rdollbaby
