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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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October 14, 2005, 10:37 am CDT

MOM!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: chitownil

Ok all... I need an honest opinion on this.  I need to fix this right away. 

I have a 16 year old daughter who dated a boy for about 14 months.  This boy spent a lot of time with our family.  He went on family vacation with us.  He spent the weekends here because his family is a mess. They cannot give him anything.  He doesn't have what kids his age should have.    Mother likes to party.  Dad just moved here from living out of state.   I did a lot for him, picked him from his house rather than have him walking 5 miles in the rain/snow to visit my daughter etc.  I made sure he was safe on the weekends by letting him stay here.  I made sure he ate & had clean clothes. I had plenty of arguments with my daughter about him being here all the time, but it is what she wanted so I gave in and allowed it.   

Recently, out of the blue, my daughter broke up with this boy.  When I asked her why, she just said that he was always with her and she wanted her freedom and that he didn't do anything wrong to her.  She won't even have a conversation with him when he calls.  It's one or two words & she hangs up.  He told me that he misses the entire family because nobody has ever accepted him like we did.  I told her that this breakup is a loss for me too.  I grew to care about him like a son.  

I feel horrible about this.  I don't want him to feel abandoned.  I want him to know that if he needs something, he can call.  I want to help him get the things he needs so that he stays on the right path. 

I got into an argument with my daughter about him the other day (and there have been a couple previous arguments about the same subject).  I told her that I thought she was being rude to him and that it wasn't fair because he didn't do anything bad to her and she should at least be civil.  

She told me that she was going to her dads (we are divorced).  She doesn't go visit her dad at his house.  Her and her dad have an pretty good relationship.  They do see each other sporadically throughout the week (maybe an hour each time) and ocassionally will go have breakfast on Sundays.  He calls her a couple times every day.   When she said that, it was like sticking a knife in me.  I was hurt. She also told me this the last time we had an argument.  She hasn't stayed with her dad since he got re-married a year and a half ago.  She tried it, but clashed with his new wife as she is jealous of the attention my ex gives to our daughter.  Her & my daughter clashed before and his wife moved my daughters bed out and my ex brought all of my daughters things to my house.  He married into having 4 step kids.  I am not fond of his new family.  One of his step daughters lived at the house with her boyfriend and has since moved out.  The other daughter moved out with her boyfriend & had a baby at 17, but now is back home with the baby.  The other daughter moved out at 17 & lives with her boyfriend.  The son is always in trouble.  Her father gives her more leniency than I do as far as curfew and things of that nature.  I asked her if she wanted to stay at her dads & she said she thought it would be good if she stayed there a few days a week.  I told her that she would have to either live by his rules there or my rules here.  

She came home from school & started packing some things to go to her dads.  I asked her to leave her house key which she did.   I told her that if things got tense between us that she could go to her dads for the day and visit if she wanted to but she didn't have to move any of her things there.  She told my sister that I didn't want her here because I took her house key. 

I know I need to just let her be and make her own decisions.  If she chooses not to talk to her ex, I know I need to accept that and I'm working on it. I don't want her to think I don't love her and that she can't come home but I don't want her thinking she can run away every time there is a disagreement.  I haven't spoken to her in a day and it's killing me.  I don't want to push her away.  I want her here, not there.  She hurt me and I'm sure I hurt her back.  What do I do?   

Holy cow, mom!  

You've got to get over the ex boyfriend ASAP. It sounds like you got attached, and its very sad that the relationship between he and your daughter didn't work out, however... it is her life!  

What is she supposed to do when she tries to break up with him and he keeps calling... you call it being rude, but to her, she doesn't want to lead him on. It is over between them, no matter how much you pressure her. 

My biggest peice of advice to you is to stop focusing on the topic of this boyfriend and when you speak with your daughter, ask her about herself, about her day, what she is doing, how she feels, etc. Whatever hobbies or activities that she has should be what you ask her about and what you focus on. Give up the boyfriend topic- this is none of your business. You might be giving her a subliminal message that she 'needs' to have a boyfriend to be a valuable person.. that isn't what you want a young woman to think. 

 
October 14, 2005, 12:43 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jenoc99

Holy cow, mom!  

You've got to get over the ex boyfriend ASAP. It sounds like you got attached, and its very sad that the relationship between he and your daughter didn't work out, however... it is her life!  

What is she supposed to do when she tries to break up with him and he keeps calling... you call it being rude, but to her, she doesn't want to lead him on. It is over between them, no matter how much you pressure her. 

My biggest peice of advice to you is to stop focusing on the topic of this boyfriend and when you speak with your daughter, ask her about herself, about her day, what she is doing, how she feels, etc. Whatever hobbies or activities that she has should be what you ask her about and what you focus on. Give up the boyfriend topic- this is none of your business. You might be giving her a subliminal message that she 'needs' to have a boyfriend to be a valuable person.. that isn't what you want a young woman to think. 

I appreciate your reply.  You are right.  I did get attached.  The subject of her ex-boyfriend doesn't come up on a daily basis.  I knew from the get-go that they wouldn't last forever and I'm not trying to get them back together. I had just hoped they could keep the friendship.   

I did talk to her today and told her that I would no longer bring him up.  She did explain all of this to me and I just didn't want to hear it.  She did say exactly what you said in that she didn't want to give him hope that they would get back together and that is why she is avoiding him. I realize being in that situation makes it very uncomfortable for her and she shouldn't have to be uncomfortable.  I am seeing the light.  I told her it was her decision and that I have to accept that.  I told her that it probably is the right thing to do right now because he still cares about her.  I also told him that I am stepping out of what happens between the two of them.   We do talk about her day & her friends etc.  We have a pretty good relationship, but I know I let my concern over this boys well-being interfere in our relationship and I can't do that.     

I don't think I'm giving her the message that she needs someone to be valuable.  I actually think I'm trying to tell her the opposite.  I tried to tell her back then that she should be doing more with her friends instead of sitting in the house and focusing on just her boyfriend.  But she wasn't hearing me.  This was a boy that she was "so in love with", went on birth control, was her first love and then she dumped him shortly after like he had no meaning in her life.   That is what I don't understand.   

One month after their breakup, she told me she is dating another boy.   I don't want her getting involved in the same sort of situation.  I want her to enjoy her freedom, go out with her friends, have fun, do good in school and not worry about boys.  I don't want her to jump in the same sort of situation.  I am very uneasy that she is dating someone else so soon knowing that she was sexually active with her ex-boyfriend.  I don't want her to be the same way with this new boy.   I know I know... it's life.  It happens. 

I understand that it is her life, but she's 16.  I just don't know what to think or do. 

 
October 14, 2005, 1:23 pm CDT

i agree

Quote From: ladypawn

  

  Is twenty years old too old of a girl for my daughter of 16 to want to "hang out" with? 

I think so.. now.. how do I tell her that. 

She gets all ticked off at me when I tell her that she is too  old for her to be hanging with.  This girl is married with two kids and one more on the way.  She got pregnentt in her early teens obviously, and I think the influence is terrible.  She doesnt do drugs.. or anything like that.. but I feel as if her lifestyle of being pregnent in her teens and now being married looks too easy for my daughter to be deterred from doing the same thing. 

My daughter wants to babysit for her and sometimes I let her.. but. Im not comfortable letting her do that either. 

There isnt any supervision when she is there.. its whatever my daughter wants to do. 

I dont like it.. now how do I tell her that? 

  

ladypawn 

im 21 yrs old, and i agree that she is too young to hang out with a 20yr old. i think that the mentality and the experiances are differant, and it does, in a way, make her think teen pregnancy is easy. her lifestyle is inappropriate for  your daughter to be in. 

as far as you daughter getting ticked... who cares? your the parent . i used to get so mad at my parents when they wouldt let me do things, and now that im older, i realize they were right. sure, i hated them for about a day, but i get over it. its all about the delivery. if you demand that she never see her agin with out explenation, she might do it behind your back. explain to her about your worries speak camly, and since she thinks she an adult, speak to her like one, and she might respect you decision , if you get an attitude from her, remind her that, its not very mature to act that way, and its not how you get what you want. 

 
October 14, 2005, 7:23 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: nicole984

im 21 yrs old, and i agree that she is too young to hang out with a 20yr old. i think that the mentality and the experiances are differant, and it does, in a way, make her think teen pregnancy is easy. her lifestyle is inappropriate for  your daughter to be in. 

as far as you daughter getting ticked... who cares? your the parent . i used to get so mad at my parents when they wouldt let me do things, and now that im older, i realize they were right. sure, i hated them for about a day, but i get over it. its all about the delivery. if you demand that she never see her agin with out explenation, she might do it behind your back. explain to her about your worries speak camly, and since she thinks she an adult, speak to her like one, and she might respect you decision , if you get an attitude from her, remind her that, its not very mature to act that way, and its not how you get what you want. 

  

  

  Ive talked to her calmly and like an adult speaking to a young adult and explained to her all my fears and she basically blows them off and goes balistic on me.  Its almost like shes addicted to hanging out with this girl. 

Then she wears me down like an eraser trying to get me to let her go to her house days after I already told her no more.   Im just getting a little bit discoaraged and tired of the lack of respect she has for  my decisions about this girl. 

  

ladypawn 

 
October 16, 2005, 5:48 pm CDT

Teen Privacy

Oh My Nerves! 

I'm having a "privacy" issue with my 17yr old son.  He thinks that on absolutely no uncertain terms should "I" be allowed to enter his room! 

He is literally driving me crazy! 

He was away for the weekend with his friends and I had a good reason to go in his room. 

My 10yr old was feeling rather nausated and I had given my 17yr old a Gravol to take with him on a Youth Convention last weekend. (he always gets car sick and the drive was 3.5 hours). 

I told him I looked in his shaving kit for the lonely Gravol I had given him last week, because he said he may or may not need to take it.  His little brother needed one to help him feel better, so I felt this was a good reason to go in his room. 

I literally "FLIPPED" out! (after he accused me of snooping in his room!) 

When I was a teenager, which wasn't that long ago, lol, I had absolutely no problem with my mother going in my room and borrowing something or cleaning my room. 

"Will someone please tell me how I'm supposed to clean that boys room, if I'm not allowed to enter his room???" 

I told him he has a serious problem. I told him I absolutely trust him (he hasn't given me any reason not to thus far). 

I  feel quite confident in saying that he has privacy, but not "secrecy". I told him this is my house and he has to abide by my rules. I will enter his room whenever I feel like it. (well, of course not when he's dressing, etc.) 

I also told him that if he has anything to hide, or something that he doesn't want me to see or know about, leave it outside the house or bury it where I won't find it. 

I don't go in his room with the intent to "snoop". But if I should happen to find something that's "not supposed to be there", then that's his problem and then we will deal with it. 

I just don't understand someone being so upset if their mother (whom I must say gives him the privacy he needs, respects, understands, helps, listens, gives him money, drives him places, loves him, protects him, encourages him, cleans up after him, nurses him, feeds hime, etc., etc., etc.) enters his room. 

Actually, I think it's a control problem.  I think he'd like to control his mother. 

I tell him that when he's out of our house, then he can do whatever he wants...have piercings, tattoos, no rules, PRIVACY. 

He told me I wasn't normal...ok, maybe I'm not....I'm just a parent who just absolutely loves her children and wants nothing but the best for them and will protect them no matter what. 

Dr. Phil came up in the conversation and he told me that no one in the world would think like I do. 

Sorry I wrote a book, but I needed to vent, so I came here...and now I expect to get lots of criticism....and also lots of good adivce. 

  

  

 
October 17, 2005, 4:08 am CDT

you do have a right to go in his room

Quote From: adeley

Oh My Nerves! 

I'm having a "privacy" issue with my 17yr old son.  He thinks that on absolutely no uncertain terms should "I" be allowed to enter his room! 

He is literally driving me crazy! 

He was away for the weekend with his friends and I had a good reason to go in his room. 

My 10yr old was feeling rather nausated and I had given my 17yr old a Gravol to take with him on a Youth Convention last weekend. (he always gets car sick and the drive was 3.5 hours). 

I told him I looked in his shaving kit for the lonely Gravol I had given him last week, because he said he may or may not need to take it.  His little brother needed one to help him feel better, so I felt this was a good reason to go in his room. 

I literally "FLIPPED" out! (after he accused me of snooping in his room!) 

When I was a teenager, which wasn't that long ago, lol, I had absolutely no problem with my mother going in my room and borrowing something or cleaning my room. 

"Will someone please tell me how I'm supposed to clean that boys room, if I'm not allowed to enter his room???" 

I told him he has a serious problem. I told him I absolutely trust him (he hasn't given me any reason not to thus far). 

I  feel quite confident in saying that he has privacy, but not "secrecy". I told him this is my house and he has to abide by my rules. I will enter his room whenever I feel like it. (well, of course not when he's dressing, etc.) 

I also told him that if he has anything to hide, or something that he doesn't want me to see or know about, leave it outside the house or bury it where I won't find it. 

I don't go in his room with the intent to "snoop". But if I should happen to find something that's "not supposed to be there", then that's his problem and then we will deal with it. 

I just don't understand someone being so upset if their mother (whom I must say gives him the privacy he needs, respects, understands, helps, listens, gives him money, drives him places, loves him, protects him, encourages him, cleans up after him, nurses him, feeds hime, etc., etc., etc.) enters his room. 

Actually, I think it's a control problem.  I think he'd like to control his mother. 

I tell him that when he's out of our house, then he can do whatever he wants...have piercings, tattoos, no rules, PRIVACY. 

He told me I wasn't normal...ok, maybe I'm not....I'm just a parent who just absolutely loves her children and wants nothing but the best for them and will protect them no matter what. 

Dr. Phil came up in the conversation and he told me that no one in the world would think like I do. 

Sorry I wrote a book, but I needed to vent, so I came here...and now I expect to get lots of criticism....and also lots of good adivce. 

  

  

As long as his room is under your roof, you have a right to go in there, no matter what he says.   Besides, you had a perfectly reasonable reason for going in there. 

  

I think it's pretty normal to have this sort of conflict with a 17 year old.  It will be stressful for a while, but will get a whole lot better when he does move out.  My own kids are 14 and 16 so we haven't gone through this yet, but I have several nieces and nephews (from different households) who are in college.  A year or two before they left home, each of them became next to impossible to live with.  As soon as they moved out, their relationships with their parents improved tremendously.  So my advice is just to hang in there. 

 
October 17, 2005, 10:21 am CDT

i hate to be the one to tell you

Quote From: adeley

Oh My Nerves! 

I'm having a "privacy" issue with my 17yr old son.  He thinks that on absolutely no uncertain terms should "I" be allowed to enter his room! 

He is literally driving me crazy! 

He was away for the weekend with his friends and I had a good reason to go in his room. 

My 10yr old was feeling rather nausated and I had given my 17yr old a Gravol to take with him on a Youth Convention last weekend. (he always gets car sick and the drive was 3.5 hours). 

I told him I looked in his shaving kit for the lonely Gravol I had given him last week, because he said he may or may not need to take it.  His little brother needed one to help him feel better, so I felt this was a good reason to go in his room. 

I literally "FLIPPED" out! (after he accused me of snooping in his room!) 

When I was a teenager, which wasn't that long ago, lol, I had absolutely no problem with my mother going in my room and borrowing something or cleaning my room. 

"Will someone please tell me how I'm supposed to clean that boys room, if I'm not allowed to enter his room???" 

I told him he has a serious problem. I told him I absolutely trust him (he hasn't given me any reason not to thus far). 

I  feel quite confident in saying that he has privacy, but not "secrecy". I told him this is my house and he has to abide by my rules. I will enter his room whenever I feel like it. (well, of course not when he's dressing, etc.) 

I also told him that if he has anything to hide, or something that he doesn't want me to see or know about, leave it outside the house or bury it where I won't find it. 

I don't go in his room with the intent to "snoop". But if I should happen to find something that's "not supposed to be there", then that's his problem and then we will deal with it. 

I just don't understand someone being so upset if their mother (whom I must say gives him the privacy he needs, respects, understands, helps, listens, gives him money, drives him places, loves him, protects him, encourages him, cleans up after him, nurses him, feeds hime, etc., etc., etc.) enters his room. 

Actually, I think it's a control problem.  I think he'd like to control his mother. 

I tell him that when he's out of our house, then he can do whatever he wants...have piercings, tattoos, no rules, PRIVACY. 

He told me I wasn't normal...ok, maybe I'm not....I'm just a parent who just absolutely loves her children and wants nothing but the best for them and will protect them no matter what. 

Dr. Phil came up in the conversation and he told me that no one in the world would think like I do. 

Sorry I wrote a book, but I needed to vent, so I came here...and now I expect to get lots of criticism....and also lots of good adivce. 

  

  

.... but your son is hiding something. its not to long ago that i was living with my parents, and the only time i had a problem with them going in there, is when there was something in there i didnt want then to see. hes 17 years old.  but i gree with you, its your house, and he needs to obey your rules. but, you might want to study him a little, to see if he is hiding something. i might be wrong, but it seems about right to me.
 
October 18, 2005, 9:07 am CDT

I need a camp/school for drug teen

Looking for camp/school for drug teen I have a 15 year old grandson who is drug dependent (matijuana) becuase it's the only way he feels happy (suffers from depression). I am looking for a treatment center, camp and/or school that can wean him off of the drugs while treating him for his depression (medically and through counseling) so that he can be happy without drugs. If you know of any such places, or can recommend anything, please email me at heaslip@encode.com
 
October 18, 2005, 12:59 pm CDT

teen

My husband and I have been married six months.  He has a 15 year old daughter whose mother passed away two years ago while they were still married.  She accepted me in the beginning, but now will not take much direction from me at all.  We are attending therapy, but I always feel like the fifth wheel and my husband feels he is "in the middle of my girls".  An ex-wife is a lot easier to deal with than someone who is not on this earth any longer.  Can anyone shed some light on this for me?  I am so depressed and alone.
 
October 18, 2005, 7:27 pm CDT

Hello

ANY TEENS ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD ??????????? 

  

 
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