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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 851
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport

Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.



 
mel_rob
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hopeful
October 18, 2005, 9:55 pm PDT

General Advise

Quote From: DavidHeas

Looking for camp/school for drug teen I have a 15 year old grandson who is drug dependent (matijuana) becuase it's the only way he feels happy (suffers from depression). I am looking for a treatment center, camp and/or school that can wean him off of the drugs while treating him for his depression (medically and through counseling) so that he can be happy without drugs. If you know of any such places, or can recommend anything, please email me at heaslip@encode.com
 There is a place in Hendersonville, NC., called Eckard Camp.  I know two  people who have sent their own children there and had a wonderful, happy ending to their saga.   This is kind of a boot camp for troubled teens.  The teens earn points for good behavior and are always drug-tested when returning from home visits.  Depending on if a school or law official is the one who refers them OR if it is a family member who decides this is the camp needed determines if the  family pays for services provided or  if the state pays for it.  Good Luck with your grandson.  My love and prayers are with with you.  ~M
 
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goodtwin
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October 19, 2005, 3:23 pm PDT

Always Arguing With My 16-Year Old Daughter

Any assistance or advice would be appreciated!!!!  Here's my story:  I've been divorced 6 years.  Daughter lives with her dad during the week, with me on weekends.  Therefore, I was court-ordered to pay $325/month support.  Fine.  BUT she will call me during the week (when she is with dad) and ask (more like demand) that I pay for somethnig (new jacket, new shoes, new purse, etc.)  Bear in mind the child has a job too, so she has $.  She tells me it is going in her savings account for college.  Great.  BUT when I tell her no, that I can't afford to pay for her new shoes, new purses, new highlights (due to the fact that $325 a month support is an enourmous amount for me) and that since she has a job she should pay for it, she gets MAD at me!  She proceeds to say that her dad pays for everything and I should have to pay for something too.  In my mind I believe that since she is earning $ she should pay for this stuff.  But her father basically brainwashes her and tells her all her earnings should go in the bank.  She works very hard and I believe she should be able to spend SOME of her earnings!  But noooo, no one listens to me.  I am emotionally drained from fighting constantly with my daughter over these issues.  Does anyone have any advice for me?  THANKS for listening!
 
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swtaenigma
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October 22, 2005, 11:53 pm PDT

General Advice

Quote From: tammym

Hi I'm having major problems with my step-son being so lazy. All he wants to do is watch TV and play computer games. Last year he almost flunked his grade, and so far this year he is not doing well. He always made honor roll. His problem is school is crap like he "forgot" or "didnt feel like" filling out his daily journal or his book reports. He is supposed to be getting the journal signed everyday by us but he just "forgets". It doesn't matter how much he reads a day, if you dont write down things about the book you fail. It's just plain up stupid. He is not doing well in any of his other subjects either, except for Art!!! So we have taken his privelages away from him --tv, and computer games. We also give him 3 simple things each day to do for chores-- feed the dog, clean room, and dump the trash. He never does it until we come home from work and TELL him to. So then we decided to give him an allowance for doing his chores each day WITHOUT being told. That didnt work either. It did for about 2 days. Then recently I offered him a job where I work at. I work for a newspaper company, and my boss was asking did someones kid want to come and help organize a room in our building (just a bunch of newspapers that needs sorting through). My boss is going to pay and very well I here. It would be a little something to do after school, nothing permanent. I would pick him up in the middle of my day and bring him over, ect. So I go home talk it over with his father, and then talk to him. Before I could even finish he was shaking his head no. I said you havent even heard me out yet. I mentioned the money, he says how much. I say well I dont know the exact amount but a co-workers son has done a lot of work for my boss before, even cuts his grass, and my co-worker says he pays good. Anyway then after I finished talking to him, he tells me NO, he is not interested. I said why? He says, HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!! I then said thats not it you are just plain up lazy. His dad was shocked, but I don't know why because I have been telling him this all along. Please help! Thanks!!!
Just my 2 cents worth...to begin with I'll say I have 3 children of my own and 4 stepdaughters. Their ages range from 9 to 24. I also have had difficulty getting a few of our children to bring their assignments and student planners home from time to time. If it happens rarely then I don't address the issue other than to remind our children that it is very important that they stay committed to doing their best and that part of being committed to their education is bringing home their schoolwork. If I start noticing a pattern with any of our children I take immediate action. What I found that works well is setting a rule that any night that someone forgets their necessary school work / planners they lost their privileges for the night. This means no TV, computer, Nintendo, Playstation, phones, radios, CD players, etc. They are also expected to help with chores around the house while their sisters and brother complete their homework assignments. If they don't have their schoolwork then they cannot make the excuse that they don't have the time to help with dinner, vacuum the living room, take out the trash, etc. The main thing is you have to do it every day and mean it. Even if this leaves your child without privileges for days or weeks at a time. Privileges also include rides to friends houses and movies out with friends, etc. This includes weekends as well! It's been my experience that children (especially teenagers) get very weary of going without all the privileges that they take for granted. Good luck with your step-son.
 
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swtaenigma
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hopeful
October 23, 2005, 12:09 am PDT

General Advice

Quote From: goodtwin

Any assistance or advice would be appreciated!!!!  Here's my story:  I've been divorced 6 years.  Daughter lives with her dad during the week, with me on weekends.  Therefore, I was court-ordered to pay $325/month support.  Fine.  BUT she will call me during the week (when she is with dad) and ask (more like demand) that I pay for somethnig (new jacket, new shoes, new purse, etc.)  Bear in mind the child has a job too, so she has $.  She tells me it is going in her savings account for college.  Great.  BUT when I tell her no, that I can't afford to pay for her new shoes, new purses, new highlights (due to the fact that $325 a month support is an enourmous amount for me) and that since she has a job she should pay for it, she gets MAD at me!  She proceeds to say that her dad pays for everything and I should have to pay for something too.  In my mind I believe that since she is earning $ she should pay for this stuff.  But her father basically brainwashes her and tells her all her earnings should go in the bank.  She works very hard and I believe she should be able to spend SOME of her earnings!  But noooo, no one listens to me.  I am emotionally drained from fighting constantly with my daughter over these issues.  Does anyone have any advice for me?  THANKS for listening!

My adivce would be to arrange a sit down with your ex-husband and your daughter for a true 3-way discussion of the issue at hand. This way all 3 parties can offer their perception of the issue and offer suggestions of what solutions can be agreed upon. Without all three of you in the discussion at the same time it's likely that there is poor communication or miscommunication between parties.In my experience this is very common when the child knows that there is existing tension between the parents from other issues. Basics are provided by her father from hs income and the child support you pay. If she wants extras then the three of you should work to come to an understanding of how extras should be financed. After discussion perhaps her father would agree to allow her a set amount or percentage of her income to be used at her discretion for these extras. The balance to be deposited into her college account. I think it's great that she has shown the initiative to secure a job.  
 
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swtaenigma
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hopeful
October 23, 2005, 12:12 am PDT

General Advice

Quote From: goodtwin

Any assistance or advice would be appreciated!!!!  Here's my story:  I've been divorced 6 years.  Daughter lives with her dad during the week, with me on weekends.  Therefore, I was court-ordered to pay $325/month support.  Fine.  BUT she will call me during the week (when she is with dad) and ask (more like demand) that I pay for somethnig (new jacket, new shoes, new purse, etc.)  Bear in mind the child has a job too, so she has $.  She tells me it is going in her savings account for college.  Great.  BUT when I tell her no, that I can't afford to pay for her new shoes, new purses, new highlights (due to the fact that $325 a month support is an enourmous amount for me) and that since she has a job she should pay for it, she gets MAD at me!  She proceeds to say that her dad pays for everything and I should have to pay for something too.  In my mind I believe that since she is earning $ she should pay for this stuff.  But her father basically brainwashes her and tells her all her earnings should go in the bank.  She works very hard and I believe she should be able to spend SOME of her earnings!  But noooo, no one listens to me.  I am emotionally drained from fighting constantly with my daughter over these issues.  Does anyone have any advice for me?  THANKS for listening!
I also meant to add that it is important that during this discussion your ex-husband and yourself need to explain to her that BOTH of you help pay for her care. It's especially important that she hears this from her father so that she can appreciate the true situation.
 
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sadforson
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October 23, 2005, 7:29 pm PDT

Being an Outcast

My Son is 16 years old.  He has a heart of gold, is a very handsome young man but has always been somewhat of an outcast with classmates.  In elementary school (3rd grade or so) he was a bit immature, would kind of lash out when no one would play with him etc.  He is now in 11th grade and still does not have many friends.  My son has been a bully target.  He's been called Gay, (which is a classic High School name) My husband and I have been to the school on several occasions....most of the time it hurts him more than it helps him.  My heart aches so much for him....he really doesn't deserve to be treated this way.  He is loved and respected by his teachers, his elders and his family, he just cant shake this reputation he has in school.  It may sound stupid, but I feel like because he is such a nice kid....he gets treated like dirt.  We are a close family of 5, have always had great communication with our children, we sit together as a family for dinner...all the things that help a family grow and stay close.  I will admit that my husband and I worry more than this about our son does, he tells us all the time not to worry and that he is ok.  If there is anyone going through this same type of thing with any of their children, please reply to this post.   Thank you from a heart broken and concerned mom.
 
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tammym
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October 25, 2005, 6:49 am PDT

Thanks

Quote From: tray00

NOt sure if I can help you are not, but my son (when he was that age) didn't do well in school either, actaully he would do assigments and one night we stayed up late to finnish it (I helped him) and then he didn't even hand it in!  I didn't find out until report cards that he didn't hand it in, I couldn't figure out why when I even helped him with it.   

  

He was suppose to get his homework journal signed everyday by me, and he would forget it, and things like that.  I talked to alot of parents, some with kids the same age and some older who went through the same thing.  A few of them said, it is his life, back off, he will realize on his own.  This was hard for me to do as I want the best for my son.  But I was tired of phone calls and emails.  So I did, I backed off.  He is now 15 and I havent' got a call from the school since grade 8!  (he is in grade 10) He does it on his own. 

  

  

Thanks for your advice! I will try anything. Report Cards are coming on October 31. Tammy
 
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jillybeans
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October 25, 2005, 8:25 pm PDT

Having problems with my teenage daughter

Any and all advice is very welcome.  My 15 year old daughter has always been an honor student and has all advanced classes.  She's always been a good kid and I haven't really had any major problems with her until now.  In the past few weeks I have been catching her in lie after lie.  At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe I was losing my mind and then finally I found proof of her lies.  She lies about everything!!!  Well, on top of trying to figure out how to deal with her lying... today she brought home her report card.  I was completely blown away because she had 4 A's and 4 C's.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I check with her almost daily about homework and tests and she said she was doing just fine and her grades were great!  I even found a test that she had made an F on that she forged my name to because her teacher sent it home to be signed by me.    At this time her extra activities include dance team and band.  I love the fact that she's on dance team because she is very physical and gets lots of excercise.  And how could you not want your child to be involved in music in some way.  My husband thinks that she should be pulled from all activities other than school and I really want us to be on the same page, but I just don't know if I agree.  I know school should come first and I really want her to get back to being an honor student, but I really think she needs the physical activity of dance team.  I'm really worried about my daughter and I want to make sure that I give her the right punishment and guidance she needs to get back on track.  Please help. 
 
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diannak0
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October 26, 2005, 1:53 am PDT

General Advice

Quote From: jillybeans

Any and all advice is very welcome.  My 15 year old daughter has always been an honor student and has all advanced classes.  She's always been a good kid and I haven't really had any major problems with her until now.  In the past few weeks I have been catching her in lie after lie.  At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe I was losing my mind and then finally I found proof of her lies.  She lies about everything!!!  Well, on top of trying to figure out how to deal with her lying... today she brought home her report card.  I was completely blown away because she had 4 A's and 4 C's.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I check with her almost daily about homework and tests and she said she was doing just fine and her grades were great!  I even found a test that she had made an F on that she forged my name to because her teacher sent it home to be signed by me.    At this time her extra activities include dance team and band.  I love the fact that she's on dance team because she is very physical and gets lots of excercise.  And how could you not want your child to be involved in music in some way.  My husband thinks that she should be pulled from all activities other than school and I really want us to be on the same page, but I just don't know if I agree.  I know school should come first and I really want her to get back to being an honor student, but I really think she needs the physical activity of dance team.  I'm really worried about my daughter and I want to make sure that I give her the right punishment and guidance she needs to get back on track.  Please help. 

 Hmm... i think you need to learn some of the details with her. I recently turned 18 and i may give you some insight if i know the specifics.   Was there a particlar event that could have triggered it?  Boyfriends?  fighting friends? school transfers?
 
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mlaham
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October 26, 2005, 9:43 pm PDT

Why Do I Feel The Desire To Smoke So Much?

I am 16 years old and ever since the start of this week I have felt like smoking a cigarette, and I have no clue why. For no reason at all I suddenly got the immense desire to smoke a cigarette. I was studying in my room and I started thinking about smoking (and how bad it is for you) then I was like "I wonder what it would be like if I tried smoking?" Ever since Monday, I have probably lit 10 cigarettes, and once I light them I throw them away without ever putting them to my lips. What the hell is wrong with me? I get the desire to smoke, then when I light the cigarette I throw it away. All I felt like doing was take one or two puffs or maybe smoke just one whole cigarette. Now I know its bad for you, and my parents have told me this over and over again. I know deep down inside, and in the back of my brain that smoking is not good for me. I know it can ruin your health and I really don't want that. But because of one stupid afternoon I have been stuck to the feeling of smoking and I can't seem to let it go. It sucks. And, why is it that when I light a cigarette I suddenly freak out and throw it away? Is it because I'm scared or what? Or is it because I really don't want a cigarette? I have NEVER smoked, never drank, never taken any drugs, or anything. Suddenly I'm overcome by this disgusting feeling to smoke and I really don't want to, but I also have no idea how to make it go away. I don't want to talk to friends or family about it, because I'm scared they are going to get wild thoughts, but does anyone know why I'm starting to feel like this? And how the hell can I make this feeling go away? (without smoking of course). Thanks,Michael
 
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