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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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July 3, 2008, 8:17 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jessihhcuhh

Hi, Im a 16 year old girl and ever since 2 years ago ive been having big time issues with my dad regarding clothes. And no this is surprisingly not regarding him thinking im showing too much skin, (which i would completely understand). This is about his issues with me "rocker" clothing. And actually its not even the clothes. Its the shoes and gloves. My favorite outfits: the clothes im wearing in my default picture and jean tucked into flat black combat boots or a dress with my combat boots. It is absolutely ridiculous the fights we get into over this. If I am going out, he will refuse to take me unless i change shoes. (his biggest problem are the sneakers that go to my knees in my picture). I tell him that its my way of expressing myself andmy style and i ask him why i cant wear it?and his answer simply is: "Because I dont like it, so you cant wear it". He says i look like a b***** just trying to get attention because all rockers are "freaks" and his favorite word "weird". and GOD FORBID i wear fingerless gloves to go out. He starts yelling and cursing under his breath in the kitchen. Its so ridiculous. Theyre shoes and gloves! So im not allowed to express myself with my clothes. I have to wear the shoes he tells me to wear because he will not take me anywhere if i am wearing my boots, sneakers, or gloves or anything that might strike him as "rocker". Can i have your honest opinion on this please?

Well I don't know why he feels that way. Lot's of my friends are/used to be rockers. Shure there are rock b****** in there just like in any other group but most of em are real nice people. Imean clothing doesn't define one's karakter. I can't give you much advice though maybe the only thing I can say is to pick your batles living in a constant fight isn't much fun either.

 
July 4, 2008, 11:45 am CDT

CLOTHES Issues.

Quote From: oet_gaol

Well I don't know why he feels that way. Lot's of my friends are/used to be rockers. Shure there are rock b****** in there just like in any other group but most of em are real nice people. Imean clothing doesn't define one's karakter. I can't give you much advice though maybe the only thing I can say is to pick your batles living in a constant fight isn't much fun either.

thanks. but yeah basiclly his promblem is that he doesnt want people to see me dressed like that cuz it "embarasses him. and then he ALWAYS asks "why cant you just be NORMAL?"


 
July 17, 2008, 8:08 am CDT

Talking to teen about having kids

Hello. I have a question which any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I had my son at 21 and unmarried. He sees his father regularly. I am struggling with how to talk to him about sex and having kids too early and without marriage and the benefits of waiting.

I do not want him to feel that it was a mistake to have him or anything--it absolutely was not. He's the light of my life. but I want to convey to him to make wise choices.

Any thoughts?

thanks

 
July 18, 2008, 3:45 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: krissy1

Hello. I have a question which any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I had my son at 21 and unmarried. He sees his father regularly. I am struggling with how to talk to him about sex and having kids too early and without marriage and the benefits of waiting.

I do not want him to feel that it was a mistake to have him or anything--it absolutely was not. He's the light of my life. but I want to convey to him to make wise choices.

Any thoughts?

thanks

how old is your son now, age makes a great difference in approaching a talk about sex.

 

Oet Gäöl

 
July 21, 2008, 10:09 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jessihhcuhh

Hi, Im a 16 year old girl and ever since 2 years ago ive been having big time issues with my dad regarding clothes. And no this is surprisingly not regarding him thinking im showing too much skin, (which i would completely understand). This is about his issues with me "rocker" clothing. And actually its not even the clothes. Its the shoes and gloves. My favorite outfits: the clothes im wearing in my default picture and jean tucked into flat black combat boots or a dress with my combat boots. It is absolutely ridiculous the fights we get into over this. If I am going out, he will refuse to take me unless i change shoes. (his biggest problem are the sneakers that go to my knees in my picture). I tell him that its my way of expressing myself andmy style and i ask him why i cant wear it?and his answer simply is: "Because I dont like it, so you cant wear it". He says i look like a b***** just trying to get attention because all rockers are "freaks" and his favorite word "weird". and GOD FORBID i wear fingerless gloves to go out. He starts yelling and cursing under his breath in the kitchen. Its so ridiculous. Theyre shoes and gloves! So im not allowed to express myself with my clothes. I have to wear the shoes he tells me to wear because he will not take me anywhere if i am wearing my boots, sneakers, or gloves or anything that might strike him as "rocker". Can i have your honest opinion on this please?
i wear boots sometimes.  now boots.
 
July 31, 2008, 8:28 am CDT

my 12 year old

 Ihave a daughter that is 12 and she lives with her mother. She wants to stay with me now but we have this problem with the peircing in her bellybutton. Her mom doesnt care about it but i do. I want it out but she refuses to take it out. I am trying my best to do the right thing without her hating me. what do you think i should do?
 
August 1, 2008, 12:11 am CDT

pick your battles carefully

Quote From: vince76114

 Ihave a daughter that is 12 and she lives with her mother. She wants to stay with me now but we have this problem with the peircing in her bellybutton. Her mom doesnt care about it but i do. I want it out but she refuses to take it out. I am trying my best to do the right thing without her hating me. what do you think i should do?

Really, I wouldn't worry too much about the piercing...back in the old days, it was scandalous to have pierced ears...as long as she is well-behaved and living according to your rules...but you can put a ban on further body piercings...if you make the piercing an issue, she will fight you more on the imortant issues...save the battles for what really matters...

 

I have three boys, so I'm not really an expert on teenage girls...but that's my take on the issue...

 

Becky

 
August 1, 2008, 6:03 am CDT

Sorry

Quote From: jessihhcuhh

Hi, Im a 16 year old girl and ever since 2 years ago ive been having big time issues with my dad regarding clothes. And no this is surprisingly not regarding him thinking im showing too much skin, (which i would completely understand). This is about his issues with me "rocker" clothing. And actually its not even the clothes. Its the shoes and gloves. My favorite outfits: the clothes im wearing in my default picture and jean tucked into flat black combat boots or a dress with my combat boots. It is absolutely ridiculous the fights we get into over this. If I am going out, he will refuse to take me unless i change shoes. (his biggest problem are the sneakers that go to my knees in my picture). I tell him that its my way of expressing myself andmy style and i ask him why i cant wear it?and his answer simply is: "Because I dont like it, so you cant wear it". He says i look like a b***** just trying to get attention because all rockers are "freaks" and his favorite word "weird". and GOD FORBID i wear fingerless gloves to go out. He starts yelling and cursing under his breath in the kitchen. Its so ridiculous. Theyre shoes and gloves! So im not allowed to express myself with my clothes. I have to wear the shoes he tells me to wear because he will not take me anywhere if i am wearing my boots, sneakers, or gloves or anything that might strike him as "rocker". Can i have your honest opinion on this please?
I'm sorry you are having such difficulty with this issue with your dad.  You might want to take the time one day, when you are wearing "normal" clothes, to just sit down with your dad and talk about the issue calmly.  I suspect your style of clothing reminds him of something in his past that makes him feel bad.  That's not your fault.  You need to be respectful of your dad's wishes, and you need to try to talk with him.  Try to compromise on the issue.  And remember, you will be moving up and out of your parents home within a few years, and will have the rest of your life to express yourself with clothing.  Good luck.
 
August 6, 2008, 9:36 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: tri2816

I have 2 girls. One is 9 and one is 11. Trying to get them to listen to me is vary hard. I'll tell the to do the dishes and they will take a long time getting them done if they get them done at all. When I ask my 11 year old to get something or to put something away she doesn't watch what she is doing. I have more stains on my floor from her them from the 2 year old I watch. She doesn't think about things before she does them and she ends up breaking things or losing them. My 9 year old is the same way but she ives us the added plesure of talking back and pouting. I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me any ideas? I have yelled at them, taken things away, gounded them, and nothing worked. 

It's time to play hard ball.

 

Start taking things away: "if you don't get those dishes done in (time frame), you cannot go out with your friends to the mall this weekend."  Done. Easy.

 

My parents do that to my sister all the time. Take away something that they hold VERY important, and they'll bend to your will. Eventually, they'll have to do what you want in oder to get some of their things/freedom back.

 
August 6, 2008, 9:51 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: kidsbmx

Ok so this is it in a nutshell. My son who is twelve last year got hit by his dad who then went to jail and was removed from the house. After the cps thing and working with his dad he is back home and we seemed to be doing pretty good until today when I found out he is smoking weed. I want to tell his father but fear it will send him over the edge. I have a daughter who is 13 who will watch how I handle this. My husband still feel like it is my sons fault that he got into trouble. Thier relationship has been so closed since the first situation. I feel like he needs to be punished but how sever and how to do it is just beyond anything I can come up with. Please help me so that my son has a fighting chance at the world and to fix this is just made me relize I have had my head in the sand and I have failed as a parent.

First off, take a step back: the situation between your son and his father is not your doing, and any guilt you feel about it is unwarranted. Your husband seems to have issues controlling anger, and should look to start counseling; either with you, or alone.

 

Failing as a parent takes alot more than finding out your kid is dabbling in drugs. There's been a breakdown in communication, and it seems like he's self-soothing. Again, blaming yourself or your husband isn't necessary, because your son is making these choices.

 

Take your son to a neutral place: go to the movies/dinner, go walk through the park with him, something where the "spotlight" isn't being put on him an his behaviour- that always makes people apprehensive about sharing important information. Ask him why he does it, what attracts him to it, how it makes him feel. Talk about finding safe and healthy alternatives to his drug use. I believe getting to this early will be a huge step in the right direction, but remember: DON'T ATTACK HIM. When someone is attacked, they automatically fight back or shut down. That will get you nowhere. Try to be stern, not harsh.

 

If (later down the road) you find out he's still engaging in the drug use, more harsh discipline will be nesessary. Nothing too dramatic right now, it's surely a stressful time for him.

 

I don't believe your son is doing this to "rebel", merely to help him deal with the pain and tension he must be dealing with due to his relationship with his father.

 

 

Once more: YOU'RE NOT A BAD PARENT. You just have some obstacles to overcome in the future. Good luck.

 
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