Topic : General Advice

I have an 18 year old daughter who is a senior in high school.  She has a female teacher, her first year at this school.  The short of it is that she has met my daughter somewhere outside of school  (not a school function) with some of my other children w/o my knowledge, she and my daughter talk on their cell phones at different times of the day/night, the teacher discusses other students with her, she has brought my daughter flowers to one of her games (no special occasion like senior night or a birthday), she has sent her flowers to our house for her birthday, she hugs my daughter.  I was wondering what some parents might think about this situation.  I feel very uncomfortable about it and feel I should at least tell her it is making me uncomfortable.  My daughter is fully aware that I feel it is stepping over the teacher/student relationship.  She says since it is not a male teacher, there really is nothing wrong with it.  I feel this could lead to problems later if I do not at least tell the teacher I am uncomfortable and to not be as personal with her and also not to involve my other children.  Help!!  I am losing sleep over this.  My mom instinct is in high gear right now!!

You’ve got to trust your instincts. I’m a mother of three daughters, and while reading your post, MY instincts were ‘kicking in,’ too.
You said that the teacher discusses other students with your child, in what manner? Is it gossip, judgments, personal information? My advice for you is to confront this teacher face to face, because body language can tell you a lot. Practice what you will say in front of a mirror or to a friend so that you are sure it comes out right. It is important that you stay calm, focused and reasonable at all times. If you become emotional or irrational, you may not be taken seriously.
You said that this teacher has met up with your daughter and some of your other children outside of school. Where did they meet and why? The fact that this was kept a secret is an issue; if there is nothing wrong, as your daughter says, then why the big secret?
Don’t tell your daughter that you are going to talk to her teacher. She will probably tip off her teacher, they will get their stories to match, and you won’t get to the bottom of this. My advice to you would be to approach her, be calm and put on a friendly smile, and say something like, “My daughter enjoys being in your class very much. I’m glad that she is doing well in school, and I’m sure your special attention has been helpful. (If you feel this way. . This is to pave the way for what is coming next) There are a couple of things I feel the need to discuss with you. I am uncomfortable with my daughter and you discussing other student’s private matters together; as a teacher, you should be a positive role model who discourages gossip, not encouraging it. Also, I feel uncomfortable that you met up with my daughter and other children outside of school, and this was kept a secret. Bringing her flowers was inappropriate. Is this the type of relationship you have with all of your students?” Give her the opportunity to give ’her side of the story,’ then ask her to distance herself and to have more of a teacher/student relationship. I know this isn’t easy, that is why I encourage you to practice what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. You are a concerned parent and you deserve answers. The reason I suggest talking with the teacher directly and not going over her head is because you are seeking answers, you want to hear what she has to say. It will be interesting to see if her ’story’ matches your daughter’s story. Do you think there is a romantic relationship budding?
I wish you the best! 

Thank you for your reply.  You cannot believe how good it feels to know that a complete stranger would TOTALLY agree with what I was feeling.  I did have a confrontation with the teacher.  Let's see what you think now.  This incident at Chuck E. Cheese happened this way.  She is a psychology teacher of my daughter's at her high school.  She is mid 20s, blonde, very, let's say, self-confident.  I met her at a football game very briefly.  My first impression was not a favorable one.  I usually go by my first impressions and have yet to be proven wrong.  Anyway, I guess my daughter and her had exchanged cell phone numbers, why I do not know.  My daughter took 2 of her brothers and a friend who was babysitting took the kids she was babysitting.  My daughter calls this teacher on the cell phone "Hey, what's up.  What are you doing.  We are going to Chuck E. Cheese."  The teacher says my fiance will be off work around that time and I have to pick him up that way, maybe I will stop by.  Needless to say, she did.  She also bought my son cotton candy because he wanted it and big sister did not want to buy it for him.  They talk about other students that the teacher does not like or has problems with.  I know this for a fact because my daughter asked my advice about a student and I unknowingly gave her the correct path to take to handle this student.  It was not until I got a thank you through my daugther that I realized she was telling this teacher what I thought should be done.  So, that was more than a month ago.  Since then, I have discussed the matter wtih my daughter and my husband on several occasions.  I also discussed this situation with other parents, other teachers, other students, parents who have been in this situation, students who have her, and a principal of one of our local schools. All came to the same conclusion that this was not right.  i asked the correct chain of command.  Teacher first.  On Friday, I ran into her at a game.  She said hi to me and I said by the way, I would like to set up an appt. with you.  She said okay.  I said I will call Monday and set this up.  She looked at me funny and wanted to know why.  I said I did not want to get into it now that I would prefer to set up an appt.  It was nothing crucial or urgent.  This went on for a few seconds with me stating not the time or place.  She insisted we talk about it.  We went to an area where no one was and I told her I was uncomfortable about the relationship she had with my daughter and that other of my children were involved.  she wanted to know why.  I did not get into any details with her.  I made it as general as possible.  I told her my daughter gets along well with other teachers but never on this personal level.  she said I was taught to be personal with my students when I went to teaching school.  Ok.  She said, "I need to be personal with my students."  Ok.  She said she had talked to the atheletic director if she was doing anything wrong and the director said she was the best teacher they had ever had and she could care less if she had lunch with all the students.  I said okay.  But I am the parent and it makes me uncomfortable.  Please take a step back until my daughter and I can adjust to this kind of a situation.  She said I made hrer feel uncomfortable.  Anyway, I simply asked that she just not talk to my daughter outside of school or about other than psychology class.  I felt it was inappropriate.  I also said that if this was male teacher, he would be in trouble.  She said but I am not a male teacher.  I said but you are a teacher, and in my eyes male or female this type of relationship is overstepping the bounds.  She tried to make me feel like I was being overpowering to her, which believe me, I was as calm and cool as a cucumber even after comments she made to me.  Anyway, I apologized, told her I would let my daughter know that we talked, and offered my hand out to shake.  I thanked her for her time and asked her if she was okay.  she said yes.  Well, as we watched the ballgame I noticed that she stood by the door before she left for a moment.  come to find out, she was smiling when she walked back into the gym but started crying during the game around some students.  They asked her waht was wrong, and she said nothing.  she made sure my daughter saw her crying as she was leaving AND she had 1 of my daughter's friends leave her a voice mail stating that she could not hang out with my daughter anymore and that mom wanted her to step back.  Nevertheless, without knowing my side, my husband, my daughter, and another daughter all REAMED me the rest of the night about the situation saying I had no right to jump her.  I took it and tried not to blow up.  The next morning, I told my daughter what was said.  Guess what?  She had the exact same comebacks as the teaacher, but yet she says they do not talk that personally.  now how can that be.  Also, on Saturday night, come to find out some people had asked my daughter how she was at a basketball game.  I guess on Saturday morning the coach was still upset, and one of the cheerleaders had seen her the night before so asked her what went down.  She told them enough to know that it was about my daughter.  That is why my daughter was questioned that evening.  of course, all hre friends think I am stupid and ridiculous and some of their parents say the same thing.  They of course do not have the same values I have.  You can tell by the trouble these girls have gotten into.  Anyway, I did not talk to my daughter about how Monday was at school as she had an away basketball game and did not get home until late.  I will talk to her tonight.  I really think I did the best I could and I have no regret.  I only hope she does not try to make this into something it was not.  I asked one simple request.  Please do not be so personal with my daughter.  Thank you for reading this.  I have heard other things about her since this conversation which makes me all the more glad I talked to her.  Now I just need to keep an eye on it.  She had more to say to me, but I will let it go for now.  Believe me, she is pretty sly and pretty defensive.  She was ready for me.  Obviously, my daughter had either tipped her off or she knew something was up.  She has had an experience at her last job similar to this one. 

 It's good that you love your son and you want to help him.
Here is a huge clue from what you have said, "I have to raise hell for a while to get them to let him stay and each time he stabs me in the back by stealing something from one of them or just from our house."
YOU are continuing the problem.
You know what he will do when he comes back.
It's time to love him from a distance.
Keep up your communications with him, this is good.
But you simply cannot let him come back 'home.'
He needs to create his own life and 'home.'
He is an adult, at least age wise.
Cut the strings mom!
It is hard, but it is best for the sanity of everyone else.
It is best in order for the rest of you to have a 'happy' home life.
Hopefully he will get the picture eventually.
It sounds like he is following in his natural father's footsteps, which is not good, but you CAN'T FIX IT!
Let him go!
Keep talking with him, but he must live somewhere else.

Your dealing with a highly manipulative woman who has power over her students. This must be very difficult for you! I think that you did the right thing. Remaining calm at all times is the best thing you can do, even when you are screaming inside. Your teen daughter has been ‘conditioned’ by friends to believe that mom is a drag and that this “cool” teacher is awesome, and the teacher is eating it up; totally inappropriate!
My oldest daughter recently went on a trip to Italy with a group of students and two teachers. These two teachers (both male) are funny, intelligent men and all of the students respect and like them. All of us parents feel the same way, too. I believe it is because these teachers listen to what we have to say, acknowledge our thoughts/feelings, and they have had fun with students without crossing any boundaries. It is possible for teachers to do that. It sounds like this teacher desperately wants the students to like her MORE then they like other adults, and she is willing to push as far as possible. Stand your ground, I fully agree with you.

 When I was a teenager I had a friend who was not a good influence on me.
My dad would not let me be around her.
It was really for my own good.
Your daughters don't need a friend with this type of influence either.
(Perhaps the girl needs your daughters as a better influence though.)
If you are going to continue to let her come to your home you should hand her a modest t-shirt and shorts and explain that this is the way people dress in your home.
She needs to put them on in order to come in the door.
"When in Rome you do as the Romans."
If she has a problem with that then her other option is to not come over.
This has nothing to do with weight, it has to do with modesty.
You are absolutely right.
Hold your ground and your morals.

hello i have teenagers also 2 girls and 2 boys so i get the best of both worlds so to speak lol we also live ein the country and i understand about kids there age liveing far and between. i would stand my ground as i have before with the kids its your house and your rules if the neighborhood kids dont like it they come to my house and surpriseing enough i find my house with all kinds of kids my girls have told me mom im hangen round this kid to help em there parents dont care or they come from a rough home life you say this girls mother dresses the same way well its what the girl knows she probaly hasnt had the oppurtunity of learning what her dressing all hoochyfied as i call it the affects of it and to have a higher self esteem for herself what ive done for my kids to keep them busy is they are very active in there highschool  from sports to drama club etc.you will find liveing in the country well country folks find things to keep these kids busy to try and keep them out of trouble there is 4-h ,ffa,girl scouts ,boy scouts,ymca and even haveing a few farm animals helps greatly here they require alot of attention lol if the girl doesnt want to cover up then so be it she cant come over . i would go about it this way invite the girl to go shopping with me and my girls and as the girls are trying on different outfits find one that you like and the other girls like (lol this is a task all in itself) and compliment greatly on how something looks and even get it for her has a ? have you sat down with your girls and asked them how they feel about the way thhis friend of theres is dressing are they embarressed when they are out in public etc... just to keep the talking going also

I am currently engaged to be married, we have been together for 3 years.  i have a 13 year old son from my prior marriage.  He does live with his father 80% of the time.  His father and I get along just fine.  My fiance has a 6 year old son and a 21 year old son.  He told me from the get go that his kids and me had to get along or it wasn't going to work, so i have loved and accepted his children.  My problem is that my fiance won't put forth any effort whatsoever to connect with my 13 year old son.  He says my son ignores him and just plays video games.  I told my fiance that he is the adult and he needs to understand that my son is at a very hard stage (emotional and hormonal) of his life and he needs to be able to feel comfortable with my fiance.  This is something that as a parent is eating me up inside.   The reality is that I am not sure if my son would even want to have a relationship with my fiance,  because i can't really get a straight answer from him, but I feel as the adult, my fiance should make some sort of effort.  Am I completely wrong for requesting this from him?????