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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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August 6, 2008, 10:02 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jessihhcuhh

Hi, Im a 16 year old girl and ever since 2 years ago ive been having big time issues with my dad regarding clothes. And no this is surprisingly not regarding him thinking im showing too much skin, (which i would completely understand). This is about his issues with me "rocker" clothing. And actually its not even the clothes. Its the shoes and gloves. My favorite outfits: the clothes im wearing in my default picture and jean tucked into flat black combat boots or a dress with my combat boots. It is absolutely ridiculous the fights we get into over this. If I am going out, he will refuse to take me unless i change shoes. (his biggest problem are the sneakers that go to my knees in my picture). I tell him that its my way of expressing myself andmy style and i ask him why i cant wear it?and his answer simply is: "Because I dont like it, so you cant wear it". He says i look like a b***** just trying to get attention because all rockers are "freaks" and his favorite word "weird". and GOD FORBID i wear fingerless gloves to go out. He starts yelling and cursing under his breath in the kitchen. Its so ridiculous. Theyre shoes and gloves! So im not allowed to express myself with my clothes. I have to wear the shoes he tells me to wear because he will not take me anywhere if i am wearing my boots, sneakers, or gloves or anything that might strike him as "rocker". Can i have your honest opinion on this please?

Girl, I've BEEN there.

 

My parents didn't want me wearing anything that made me stand out, so I was constantly butting heads with them about letting me be. If the gloves and boots freak him out, don't wear them both at the same time. Blasting him with a double negative is sure to boil his blood, and then having a fighting chance is a far cry from forseeable.

 

Approach him at a time that's good for him: watching t.v., reading, hanging out in the kitchen. Ask him why these thing bother him and LISTEN FULLY to his responses: don't interrupt. Once he's presented his case, you can then offer him your side, make statements, etc.

 

 

Some guidelines:

 

1. Don't use negative language or place blame. If you find yourself saying 'you always" or "you never", try owning your feelings. Try saying "I feel" and 'I think', because taking things as your own will help him to realize you're listening. Try REALLY HARD not to curse.

 

2. Address his concerns in a non-aggressive manner. If you have to stay quiet for a moment, think your point through before shouting it. Even if he starts to get upset, keeping your voice calm should bring him back down again.

 

3. If all else fails, ask mom for help. Having mom there to act as a filter can be helpful if he's too set in his ways to listen to you. She can assure and re-affirm statements made, and act as the solid ground in the storm. She is Switzerland.

 

 

 

Hope my ideas can help you: Good Luck.

 
August 7, 2008, 2:06 pm CDT

I'm not your...

I'm a 14 year old girl and this year ill be going into high school. My mom and dad got divorced 3-4 years ago and still agruging in court. My mom works 3 jobs 2 of them are being a secratary for our school district and the other is working at the local culvers on the weekend. For a while in the summer time she would work 12:30pm til 11:00 pm. 12:30 til 4 at her school job and then 5 til 10:00 at culvers. after running around all day geuss what she does when she gets home... cleans! even if i already cleaned it she cleans. It wouldnt be a problem to me but she yells at us when shes cleaning saying how disgusting the house is, even if I (key word I) not my little sister whos 11 but me cleaned it already! But it doesnt stop there... if we make her made she either says in a snotty voice well you have to clean this this this and this... or she says i work 3 jobs to keep this house running the least you could do is this! "mom,you dont relize that i do just as much as you do, only i dont get paid for it!!!" or she says why dont you just go live with your dad then(knowing i dont want to visit him anymore) she says that for a punishment??? The more she says it the more she makes me want to go right to my room and pack my bags. When i do do stuff for her she doesnt say thank you she doesnt do anything. I just want to say to her im not your slave nor your maid nor your assistent nor your phycalogist!!! IM YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!! i need some help what can i do to make her relive that 1 im not her slave and 2 to learn to say hey thanks for cleaning the house and mowing the lawn and taking the garbge out and the dog out!" and stop giving monica all theses things when she doesnt do anything to get it!!!!!!!!!
 
August 13, 2008, 8:09 am CDT

DON'T WAIT TO GET HELP!!!

Quote From: open_eyes

First off, take a step back: the situation between your son and his father is not your doing, and any guilt you feel about it is unwarranted. Your husband seems to have issues controlling anger, and should look to start counseling; either with you, or alone.

 

Failing as a parent takes alot more than finding out your kid is dabbling in drugs. There's been a breakdown in communication, and it seems like he's self-soothing. Again, blaming yourself or your husband isn't necessary, because your son is making these choices.

 

Take your son to a neutral place: go to the movies/dinner, go walk through the park with him, something where the "spotlight" isn't being put on him an his behaviour- that always makes people apprehensive about sharing important information. Ask him why he does it, what attracts him to it, how it makes him feel. Talk about finding safe and healthy alternatives to his drug use. I believe getting to this early will be a huge step in the right direction, but remember: DON'T ATTACK HIM. When someone is attacked, they automatically fight back or shut down. That will get you nowhere. Try to be stern, not harsh.

 

If (later down the road) you find out he's still engaging in the drug use, more harsh discipline will be nesessary. Nothing too dramatic right now, it's surely a stressful time for him.

 

I don't believe your son is doing this to "rebel", merely to help him deal with the pain and tension he must be dealing with due to his relationship with his father.

 

 

Once more: YOU'RE NOT A BAD PARENT. You just have some obstacles to overcome in the future. Good luck.

My son had little in the way off a relationship with his father (we divorced when he was 2 and his father stopped bothering with weekend visitation when my son was 8). My son definitely had issues and started acting out and smoking pot. Ultimately, my son got more and more heavily into drugs to the point that he was dealing, got beaten during a bad deal, and has been in juvenile detention several times and inpatient rehab twice between the ages of 16and 18.  He was a star athlete (on 3 soccer teams) and talented musician (in 3 bands at school).  Still, he managed to get into things I'd never have dreamed possible.  He's had a very serious 2-year Pecocet habit I knew nothing about and he started out with pot.)  Don't take early drug use lightly.  "Later down the road" could mean his death -- literally!  Adolescents don't have the ability to relate to the consequences of their poor choices.  Laying blame ("am I a good mother?" or "is it my husband's fault?") doesn't change the reality.  You need to take prompt action to prevent further problems.  How you go about it depends on the circumstances.  Open, non-judgmental communication certainly is a good first step.  But things can spiral down quickly as a child goes through adolescence.  There are increasing influences and peer pressure.  Seek counseling for yourself and him.  (Unfortunately, my son refused to cooperate with counseling despite my numerous attempts when he was 12 through 17.)  Make sure YOU have some sort of support system.  Since I have no one (except an 85 year old mother who is ill), I've decided to contact B.I.L.Y. (Because I Love You).  If nothing else, this will help me not feel so alone and give me the strength I need to get through everything.
 
August 26, 2008, 9:06 pm CDT

Kids wearing clothes in their closet

Can anyone give advice on how to get your kids (10/11 yrs old) to wear the clothes in their closet, instead of wearing their same new favorite shirt all the time.  There are alot of clothes in the closet (even clothes they picked out themselves at the store), but they don't want to wear them.  They liked them when they first got it a month or two ago!  (They've maybe worn them once or twice and they still fit/still new). They only want to wear about 10% of the clothes in their closet and it's typically the brand new shirt that was just purchased for them (from other parent or relative/gift).  Therefore, the many other clothes in their closet (which have only been worn once, maybe twice), will never get worn again.

We're trying to get the kids to appreciate and be grateful for the amount of clothes they have.

 
September 3, 2008, 7:51 am CDT

14 year olds clothes

 My son is 14 years old and a freshmen in high school.  I can't get used to him dressing in the skinny jeans, band t shirts and black all the time.  He is a good kid and doesn't get into trouble.  He also gets good grades.  I just don't understand this dressing.  His father and I are normal hard working people.  I feel like why is he doing this to us, why can't he just dress like a normal kid (blue jeans and t shirts).  I know that he has a right to be an individual but sometimes I wonder where I went wrong for him to dress like this. 
 
September 3, 2008, 3:15 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: angiekay

 My son is 14 years old and a freshmen in high school.  I can't get used to him dressing in the skinny jeans, band t shirts and black all the time.  He is a good kid and doesn't get into trouble.  He also gets good grades.  I just don't understand this dressing.  His father and I are normal hard working people.  I feel like why is he doing this to us, why can't he just dress like a normal kid (blue jeans and t shirts).  I know that he has a right to be an individual but sometimes I wonder where I went wrong for him to dress like this. 

Well his dressing i just a way of expressing himself. He just wears what is normal within the group of friends he has. There is no going right or wrong here by you, you cant influence his clothing too much during his puberty. He dresses this way so that he can become an adult having his own opinion and style, it is important that you let him. After a while he will dress differently it's just a fase remember that. Most important thing for you to remember is that clothing doesn't change his personality, a good kid is a good kid no matter how he dresses.

 

 
September 9, 2008, 12:49 pm CDT

tired and frustrated.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. We have been living together for the past year on and off due to the fact he does business out of the state and is sometimes gone for a month or more at a time. We still fly back and forth spending time together when he is away. Well he has been back home now for about 2 months. I am the mother of 2 teenage daughters and one of my daughters acts as if she is annoyed by him being around. Since he has been back she does not speak to him. It is like he is invisible. It bothers me and when I ask her why she does this, she tells me she will respond to him if he talks to her first. And he is upset about the situation so he complains to me every evening on a daily basis about it, but he does not want to speak to her because he is afraid to upset her. But I have to hear the complaining every night how it is rude and disrespectful and I never taught her how to respect adults and so on. I just want peace and quiet in the home. It's making me crazy. They are both acting the same, and I feel like now instead of having 2 hard headed teenagers, I have 3. He won't speak to her, but she says if he talks to her 1st she will speak to him, but they are both hard headed and annoying. I don't know how to get these two to talk again. I see our relationship is about to end over this. I am seeking counseling personally and family counseling, which my daughter and I are going to. I think he needs to come also. Has anyone gone through this experience and can shed any light on my problem.
 
September 12, 2008, 7:16 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: mssamantha55

I'm a 14 year old girl and this year ill be going into high school. My mom and dad got divorced 3-4 years ago and still agruging in court. My mom works 3 jobs 2 of them are being a secratary for our school district and the other is working at the local culvers on the weekend. For a while in the summer time she would work 12:30pm til 11:00 pm. 12:30 til 4 at her school job and then 5 til 10:00 at culvers. after running around all day geuss what she does when she gets home... cleans! even if i already cleaned it she cleans. It wouldnt be a problem to me but she yells at us when shes cleaning saying how disgusting the house is, even if I (key word I) not my little sister whos 11 but me cleaned it already! But it doesnt stop there... if we make her made she either says in a snotty voice well you have to clean this this this and this... or she says i work 3 jobs to keep this house running the least you could do is this! "mom,you dont relize that i do just as much as you do, only i dont get paid for it!!!" or she says why dont you just go live with your dad then(knowing i dont want to visit him anymore) she says that for a punishment??? The more she says it the more she makes me want to go right to my room and pack my bags. When i do do stuff for her she doesnt say thank you she doesnt do anything. I just want to say to her im not your slave nor your maid nor your assistent nor your phycalogist!!! IM YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!! i need some help what can i do to make her relive that 1 im not her slave and 2 to learn to say hey thanks for cleaning the house and mowing the lawn and taking the garbge out and the dog out!" and stop giving monica all theses things when she doesnt do anything to get it!!!!!!!!!
Hey girl, first of all divorce sucks, I know, I have been through it as well. My mom has often used the threat well why don't you just go live with you Dad. Sometimes, I want to but then I realize maybe just maybe I don't deserve the thanks I think I do. I mean for years on end kids have been doing chores for their parents and that is what is expected.We shouldn't do things for the recognition we get, we should do them because we KNOW IT HELPS THEM! Yes, you are her daughter and she knows that, but she is working very hard to support three people and you just need to do what you have been doing and put on the happiest face. Don't expect a thank you, just realize that she is your mom and for fourteen years has taken care of you and supported you, so the least you can do is help her out a little and just do it because you know that she needs help to buy you new clothes, feed you , send you to school with money for lunch, keep you warm. She loves you there is no doubt in my mind that she doesn't. Let's just not take anything for granted. Also when she gets mad at cleaning and you try to tell her you already did it maybe before she gets home, leave a little note saying I tried cleaning for you mom, I am not sure if it is how you like it, but if you give me a few tips I would like to do anything to help you. Just something sweet, and don't be around when she reads it, lay it there and then go to bed. Yanno what I mean? Well goodluck! :]
 
September 16, 2008, 2:07 pm CDT

how will i ever survive my daughters teen years?

My daughter will be 13 in Nov. and for the past year it seems that all we do is fight (verbal only).  My husband and I make her do chores which is always a battle.  She is not allowed to walk downtown, hang out with older kids, wear makeup, wear revealing clothes, date, and she has to do her chores and homework before she can go out to play.  She feels we are way too hard on her and argues daily about this.  None of her friends have chores and they are allowed to do most of the things she is not allowed to and she feels that we are mean.  I tell her I am her mother not theirs and she has rules for a reason.  I have an illness that causes me to be in bed alot which I do feel bad about and I do need her and her brothers help quite a bit.  Lately she has had a very bad attitude, she is not listening, talking back to us, being horrible to her brother, rude to everyone, and tells us she hates us and wants to move in with my mother.  I can't deal with the yelling and arguing any longer.  Stress makes my illness worse.  We have tried to sit her down and explain why we do the things we do.  We have tried to ground her she just says she dosen't care. All that happenes is she acts up worse no matter what we try. If things are like this now what will it be like over the next few years? I am at witts end and need help,  any advise would be appreciated.

 
September 16, 2008, 2:27 pm CDT

one more thing

Quote From: cary29

My daughter will be 13 in Nov. and for the past year it seems that all we do is fight (verbal only).  My husband and I make her do chores which is always a battle.  She is not allowed to walk downtown, hang out with older kids, wear makeup, wear revealing clothes, date, and she has to do her chores and homework before she can go out to play.  She feels we are way too hard on her and argues daily about this.  None of her friends have chores and they are allowed to do most of the things she is not allowed to and she feels that we are mean.  I tell her I am her mother not theirs and she has rules for a reason.  I have an illness that causes me to be in bed alot which I do feel bad about and I do need her and her brothers help quite a bit.  Lately she has had a very bad attitude, she is not listening, talking back to us, being horrible to her brother, rude to everyone, and tells us she hates us and wants to move in with my mother.  I can't deal with the yelling and arguing any longer.  Stress makes my illness worse.  We have tried to sit her down and explain why we do the things we do.  We have tried to ground her she just says she dosen't care. All that happenes is she acts up worse no matter what we try. If things are like this now what will it be like over the next few years? I am at witts end and need help,  any advise would be appreciated.

I forgot to mention that both her and I  are very head strong and stubborn.  We both want to have it our way and have trouble giving in.
 
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