Topic : General Advice

Thanks Jaimie for your comment.

Part of the problem is that since she divorced their father she has felt a need to over-indulge her 2 children in an effort to compensate for their loss.  This leaves them thinking that she will and does do anything in her power to pacify them.

I have discussed this with her many times, including research from phychiatrists and psychologist, who all say that moving is a big deal for teenagers.  However, when handled properly it is something that can be easily overcome.  i have attempted to get him involved in the community, church, school activities, etc...  I do feel that she may be looking for a reason to go back home, and if she does there isn't much I can do.

She doesn't work, she has a long history of migraines and other issues that prevent of from working.  So she feels that I should give up a 17 year career in Law Enforcement to move with her.  I have a child from a previous marriage, I am a very active part of her life and have only 8 years until retirement.  I am not going to walk away at this point.

I think a part of her is thinking she can manipulate me.  If she does move home this time, I have no choice but to sever all ties.  I have discussed this with her and made it abundantly clear.

Other than what I have mentioned, I don't know what else to do.

The first thing i would do is take a garbage bag and start removing most of the items from her room.

I would leave her about three changes for school and one for the week end.

Shoes, i would leave her sneakers, and one pair of dress shoes.

All those posters on the floor would be boxed up, as well as any thing else that was not essential to her that was on the floor. Everything, that was not being used and was strewn on the floor.

All school books and papers would be boxed up, were she could get at them if she really needed them.

After I had done this, i would firmly tell her keep it clean, or not, but know this if you can not show enough responsability to keep it decent, then there will be nothing added to your room, like new clothes, make up, posters, ect simply because you can not handle the reponsabilty of managing items is a mature and responsible way.

If after a week she is showing that she is making a sincere attempt at keeping her room decent, let her go through her clothes and pick on more outfit, to add to her closet, keep doing that till she has earned her clothes, make up, posters, what ever back. If she starts slacking take an out fit away, poster's away, make up away, ect. Do not buy her anything new untill she really gets that you mean buisness. I mean really gets it that you had enough and are through playing games. When you feel she really has started to get it and is sincer about making a concious effort to do better reward her, take her out to a movie, or let her have a sleep over ect. Honestly if my house was in such a mess i would not want people over, so she should nto be having people over into her space (bedroom) untill she got it under control.

Be aware she will probably react like any typical teen, temper tantrum, crying, begging, promising, ect, don't buy that for a second lol. Do not give in, she is fourteen she really needs to learn consequences for action, respect for her property and yours, and self pride in doing a job well for herself.

This is a learning process, so it is not going to happen over night, it is a lot faster to learn a bad habit than it is to undo one, so patience and persaverance is key.

Ignoring a problem does not work, it simply reinforces for your daughter, that it if you do not mind it does not matter, and believe me it really does matter. There is a lot of teaching opportunities that are missed when something is ignored, and she is going to need all the tools you can give her to make a wonderful life for herself when she reaches adulthood.

Good luck! Let us know what you decided to do, and how it is working for ya, or if you just need some support.

Tammy

The difficult thing here is that there are two other adults living in the home therefore I would NOT come in and clean it for them.  I may approach the 20 year old female and discuss it with her - she may accept your help.  I think it is a tricky situation that I would ask once about and if the offer is turned down then I would leave it alone.  You are showing her by having her into your own home that it is not necessarily the ideal way to live.  On the other hand if you feel it is a health hazard you could let some time pass so that they would not suspect that you were the culprit and contact human services to come for a visit since there is a minor child in the home with mental issues.  Human services would probably hold the other three adults in the family responsible for keeping it orderly and clean to some extent - then the monkey would be off of your back.  It sounds to me like the living conditions could pose a health hazard.  If there are two adult children living in the house lying around all day and not working and contributing to the household to help take some of the burden off of the father then there are some other serious issues as well.

It is NEVER too late for hope! Please believe me, you are in a deep valley but don´t give up you can climb out and get out on top. I do not say that it will be easy, but it is do able.

You are just starting your therapy and you might want to speak about your mother and your relationship, but first you need to get a stable baseline, stopping your selfdestructive behaviour (something I guess you want to right?), after that you can start focussing on other problems with your therapist. So it will come but you will have to be patient for just a little while longer.

What I do want to say to you is that you feel the way you feel and that those feelings are legitemate (you feel them so they are real) do not suppress them or out them with cutting or what you do to out them. Maybe try writing a letter about your negative feelings and tearing it up and burning it afterwards so no one else can read it but also to part with those feelings allowing yourself to let them go.

Also try to write a small note just one sentence. This sentence should be about a positive feeling, thought or place. A safe place to which you can return when you feel really down. If you don't feel you have such a place now try going back in time to a time when you did or forward to a time in which you will. Wear this note close to your heart so you can always look at it but even if you don't you know it's closeby.

Last thing I want to say is that you are not alone, there are others which have had the same things you have, they found a way to become better, please let that inspire you to hold on. You can battle this really, I know you are strong enough and you allready took steps in the right direction. I believe you can do it!

you can always speak here if you need to I and others will read them with care,

Take care,

Oet Gäöl