Message Boards

Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

April 12, 2009, 6:36 pm CDT

12 y o mad son

Quote From: klarouche

Hi, I am a single mom raising a 12yr. old son  with no help. My son  is is always mad! I can not even have a normal conversation with out him getting mad and telling me to shutup. I recently put my son in counseling so he would have someone to talk to about what he is feeling. I do not know what to do. I have tried talking to him but he keeps doing it. Maybe it has something to do with puberty because he is going through puberty right Now. He has always had a temper though. It seems like he is always in a bad mood and always wants to argue with me. Is this normal for his age?He is an only child. Any advice would be appreciated.

Getting your son to a counselor was a good move.  If it has already been a few weeks with the counselor, you should contact him (her?) and ask for advice.  Don't expect the counselor to tell you what your son has said (confidentiality issues apply), but you should be able to get some advice on what you can do or change to help.  If it has been a couple of months with improvement and the counselor has no advice for you, perhaps a different counselor is in order.

 
April 12, 2009, 6:46 pm CDT

RE: Son 17 going on "18"

Quote From: ghostdiva

I have a 17 year old son who will turn 18 in 12 days.  He is extremely intelligent but is going to fail is Junior year.  I spoke with his counselor today, she informs me that the 3rd nine weeks of school in two of his classes he had grades of 15 and 23, this nine weeks in those same two classes he has grades of 98 and 90!!!!  How is that possible.  He has thrown away his chance to graduate with his friends.....and he doesn't even care really.  I mean he'll be 20 years old by the time he does graduate!  I don't know what to do with him, it's great that his grades are up now, but it's too late to salvage anthing for the school year.  My question now is do I let him continue to self-destruct, then risk the chance of him quitting school when he's 18 years old?  I have been looking into Job Corps and the military (although I don't think he would ever make it thru the military - even though it would be good for him).  Job Corps sounds like it might be the way to go.  I understand that school isn't for everyone, and I can say that because I was the same way....he's bored out of his mind and doesn't see a means to an end.  He feels like it is just something he's being foreced to do and therefore going thru the motions, and not doing any of the work....he has shut down and put up the thickest wall known to man!  He's an awesome kid....even his counselor, his teachers, the principal, and other parents all comment on how polite he is and how sweet and kind he is.  I don't know I'm at a complete loss as to what to do with this kid.

Are you sure it is "too late" for the entire junior year?  His grades were so poor in the first half that one down quarter in two courses would wipe out the whole year?  (If so, what did the school and you do earlier?)  Wouldn't summer school, perhaps with some added incentives from you, cover enough?

 

As to your direct question ... no, you don't just let him "self-destruct".  Look aat his strengths and encourage him along those lines.  Emphasize the positive.  Also look into something like Outward Bound for a very positive experience for him ... maybe even a reward for getting through, even if with summer school or other outside classes.

 
April 16, 2009, 3:31 am CDT

Thanks for the advice!

Quote From: dadside

Getting your son to a counselor was a good move.  If it has already been a few weeks with the counselor, you should contact him (her?) and ask for advice.  Don't expect the counselor to tell you what your son has said (confidentiality issues apply), but you should be able to get some advice on what you can do or change to help.  If it has been a couple of months with improvement and the counselor has no advice for you, perhaps a different counselor is in order.

Thank you for your advice it made me feel like I am doing the right thing by getting him into counseling. I am on the right track!  We are on a waiting list to get him a male therapist. They said it would be 2-3 wks. before someone called to make his first apppiontment. They told me this on April 2 so if they do not call me by the 23rd. I will have to call them back. I am willing to do anything to help my son even change some of the things I am doing to help him. Thanks again!
 
May 16, 2009, 10:39 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: ghostdiva

I have a 17 year old son who will turn 18 in 12 days.  He is extremely intelligent but is going to fail is Junior year.  I spoke with his counselor today, she informs me that the 3rd nine weeks of school in two of his classes he had grades of 15 and 23, this nine weeks in those same two classes he has grades of 98 and 90!!!!  How is that possible.  He has thrown away his chance to graduate with his friends.....and he doesn't even care really.  I mean he'll be 20 years old by the time he does graduate!  I don't know what to do with him, it's great that his grades are up now, but it's too late to salvage anthing for the school year.  My question now is do I let him continue to self-destruct, then risk the chance of him quitting school when he's 18 years old?  I have been looking into Job Corps and the military (although I don't think he would ever make it thru the military - even though it would be good for him).  Job Corps sounds like it might be the way to go.  I understand that school isn't for everyone, and I can say that because I was the same way....he's bored out of his mind and doesn't see a means to an end.  He feels like it is just something he's being foreced to do and therefore going thru the motions, and not doing any of the work....he has shut down and put up the thickest wall known to man!  He's an awesome kid....even his counselor, his teachers, the principal, and other parents all comment on how polite he is and how sweet and kind he is.  I don't know I'm at a complete loss as to what to do with this kid.
Could it be that he might be too intelligent? If he gets very good grades but doesn't do anything he might have a high IQ and he is bored because he is way ahead of his class but has to wait for the others to get at his level. This of course is extremely boring (I know but due to other reasons) he might have to have more challenge, try to make him do an IQ test and go forward from there.
Or are there other reasons why he has failed the first part of the year? Something like someone close dying, moving, changing schools etc can have those effects on him.
 
July 7, 2009, 3:28 pm CDT

17 teen leave gone at mom and got pregnant

Hi Dr.Phil  my name is Jennifer.I'm  not from the USA ,I'm from Barbados,yes and we do watch your show and wish we had you here.Think of a vacation   My teenage decided to leave and live at my mother and no guidiance  that did her any help now she is pregnant and they seem to thing it is not a big problem and I know better than that.They are threating her like  she is able to a mother at this time.I wanted better for my daughter but it seem to be the opposite for them and it look like they  want not very much for her and just to get at me we were never close and if you get this letter and can give me some advice but it will be a little hard to get through to my mother.Just give me someit hurts a hold lot.They aren't taking care of my daughter.Would appreciate if you would reply.LOVE Jennifer

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                               .

 
July 10, 2009, 9:45 pm CDT

Daughter living with Dad

Back in May, the arguing between my daughter and I came to a head.  She has a juvenile delinquent as a boyfriend and is totally in love with him.  When I caught them going to my house after school, I confronted them, as they are not to be alone in the house, much less see each other because of his track record of drinking, being involved in a recycling center robbery, etc.  During the confrontation, he called me a f****** b***, multiple times, my daughter tried hitting me to get away from me as I was attempting to get her in my car and it was just bad.  There have been continuing arguments about this boy and his family in the past.  So I told her if she wants to continue living in this house, she must obey my rules.  She decided she doesn't want to follow the rules and therefore wants to live with her father. Her father rents a room from another man. It is a house with two bedrooms, one bath.  No bedroom for her. She has been there for 2.5 months now and frankly I think she likes it there. Actually she told me it is better she lives there because we don't argue as much. I told her it is because we don't see each other very often.  There has been no set schedule to see her since she has been gone.  When we do spend time together, she makes a point to nicely tell me how her father cooks her healthy meals and how funny he is,etc. He is the great parent all of the sudden. Very hurtful.  School now starts in two weeks and I have brought up the subject about her coming home, but I think she is not intending on coming home.  The living situation at her dad's is not condusive to a teenage girl and her father has threatened me to take custody of her and that i will have to start paying him child support.  I have a feeling his stand has more to do with "getting revenge" more than the welfare of his daughter and he is definitely not encouraging any type of reconcilation between me and my daughter, that's for sure. Additionally, he condones the relationship with our daughter and this juvenile delinquent.  Can't I just lay down the law and tell her it's time to come home and work on our relationship?  We were both going to counseling, but she hasn't gone since living with her dad. Yikes.
 
July 12, 2009, 1:10 pm CDT

problematic daughter living with dad

Quote From: msoliva1

Back in May, the arguing between my daughter and I came to a head.  She has a juvenile delinquent as a boyfriend and is totally in love with him.  When I caught them going to my house after school, I confronted them, as they are not to be alone in the house, much less see each other because of his track record of drinking, being involved in a recycling center robbery, etc.  During the confrontation, he called me a f****** b***, multiple times, my daughter tried hitting me to get away from me as I was attempting to get her in my car and it was just bad.  There have been continuing arguments about this boy and his family in the past.  So I told her if she wants to continue living in this house, she must obey my rules.  She decided she doesn't want to follow the rules and therefore wants to live with her father. Her father rents a room from another man. It is a house with two bedrooms, one bath.  No bedroom for her. She has been there for 2.5 months now and frankly I think she likes it there. Actually she told me it is better she lives there because we don't argue as much. I told her it is because we don't see each other very often.  There has been no set schedule to see her since she has been gone.  When we do spend time together, she makes a point to nicely tell me how her father cooks her healthy meals and how funny he is,etc. He is the great parent all of the sudden. Very hurtful.  School now starts in two weeks and I have brought up the subject about her coming home, but I think she is not intending on coming home.  The living situation at her dad's is not condusive to a teenage girl and her father has threatened me to take custody of her and that i will have to start paying him child support.  I have a feeling his stand has more to do with "getting revenge" more than the welfare of his daughter and he is definitely not encouraging any type of reconcilation between me and my daughter, that's for sure. Additionally, he condones the relationship with our daughter and this juvenile delinquent.  Can't I just lay down the law and tell her it's time to come home and work on our relationship?  We were both going to counseling, but she hasn't gone since living with her dad. Yikes.

Her age, plus laws where you live, affect what you can do.  If she is near or has reached18, there is little you can effectively enforce.  Whatever her age, getting a court to mandate your payment of child support likely would be a challenge for her dad given the living circumstances and his condoning the girl's "boyfriend" he'd have to defend to a judge.

If she is under 17, you might formally seek legal custody yourself, and have dad required to pay support (whether or not he actually does being another matter).  With that, I's suggest you look into special programs likely available in your area to help redirect teens like your daughter.  Local school counselors, youth services and/or social services professionals should be able to help you with that.  And of course, a return to counseling is in order.  In addition to that, it would really be great if she could participate in something like a therapeutic OutwardBound type of program.  At one point, there was at least one - in Colorado, as I recall - that took teens on weekend hiking/camping trips, incorporating counseling with the wonderful power of nature.  Cost of that was very modest, so if anything like that is available near you, try for it!

 
July 27, 2009, 5:16 pm CDT

My mom and i can never get along!

My mom and i fight ever day over nothing really and it is really hard to live like this i fill like i cant do anything right. I fill like she hates me!! I hate living likes this, i wish we could just get along and hang out with out fighting i love her more then any thing... Can some one help me out please...

 
August 4, 2009, 7:37 am CDT

16yr Old son wants to return home where there is domestic violence.....

My fiance's 16yr old son came to live with us recently.  His mother has been in an abusive relationship with the same man for about 13 years.  The last 5 years my fiance has been able to kinda get to know his son, Mom has custody and really doesn't abide by the court order visitation. About a year ago his son mentioned that he wanted to come live with Dad but never had the nerve to tell mom.  The summer came around and Dad picked up his son for what was supposed to be his 3 week visitation time and mom made a huge stink about it.  Mom did not want  her son to be with his dad, she wanted to send her son to nyc to spend the summer with her boyfriends family, but he wanted to go with his dad so he left with his dad anyway.  While he was with his dad, 16 yr old breaks down and tells his dad all about the abuse going on in mom's house, and that he doesn't want to go home. Dad tells his son if this is what he really wants he will get a lawyer and put everything we have to help him stay.  So we do......then mom talks with her son and convinces him to go back home.  So after we give a Lawyer $$$ his son decides to go back home.  We send him home... about two weeks later while he is visiting the boyfriends family in nyc,  he gets some disturbing, threatening phone calls from moms boyfriend.  The 16yr old calls his dad and uncle crying that he was scared to go home and did not want to go back.  He is then advised by his dad that if we proceed AGAIN with a lawyer that he could not change his mind because he does have two other siblings that we have to care for and are going to be financially affected, once again if we proceed with the lawyer, and that its not fair to them, and there are no refunds. He was asked to really think it over if he really wants to come back we will buy him the plane ticket.  The mom's boyfriends sister tells my fiance's son that he should really go live with dad, he should not be in that enviornment. She also calls my finace and advises him about what is going on and that she feels his son should go stay with him.  His son calls him back and says he does not want to go home to mom and wants to come back to dad.  So again we proceed with the lawyer.... he has been with us for the about 3 wks and he has been getting phone calls from mom convincing him things are better now & moms boyfriend called and apologized for what he said, so now he is saying he is home sick and wants to go home.. Should his dad make him stay or let him go.  Dad is really hurt, and he is worried about sending his son back to that house.  Although his mom has four other kids with this man, he is worried about how things may turn out for his son .......PLEASE HELP WITH SOME ADVICE.
 
August 7, 2009, 12:18 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: tray00

My son is 15 and does the same thing.  Has been for awhile.  Won't own up to anything, even when I catch him,  I told him I will blame you for everything, when something is missing, I say it was him,  prove me differently.  Honestly I don't know how to get them to stop.  I keep my room locked, have thought about puttin a lock on the panrty.  He is not allowed to be home alone.  If we go somewhere he has to come with us or leave the house and doesn't get a key.   

  

Kids are very good and making us believe it wasn't them who did it.  My son is getting better, I think with time they grow up. 

Your not alone in this.  Our 15 year old lies when he is caught redhanded.  He even trys to make us feel guilty for not trusting him.  We are at the end of our ropes.
 
First | Prev | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | 83 | Next | Last