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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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July 29, 2005, 3:33 pm CDT

I have a 14 yr old

Quote From: jasmamaus

 my 11-year old son is constantly calling people names. and i mean everyone- his siblings, cousins, other childrens' friends, even me. things like "stupid" and "freak" are his favorites. i do not know how to stop this behavior. i have ignored it, discussed it with him, and tried taking away things he enjoys. nothing seems to work. ideas?

She has bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. She is the queen of backtalk.

 

My problem is she doesn't get the consequence thing. No matter what I do she doesn't get it.

 

My best weapon was a behavioral contract. I printed the one from Dr. Phil's book Family FIrst.We use that.

When things get so out of control I strip her room. I mean EVERYTHING except her bed and a weeks worth of clothes, that I picked.  I think some of the problem with children today is they just get everything. They have everything. Once I took all my daughters things she had to earn them back. She had a point system and every 10 points she got to go into the storage room and get one item. This way they have to "work" at their behavior and it takes a long time to get everything back.

 

You have to find what works for you but if you lay everything out in a contract (get your childs input as well this makes them feel involved not punished at the get go) everyone sign it and then review every so often.

Because of my daughters illness I had to include small things like showering everyday and taking her meds.

 

We put in things that were to be done daily, behaviors that we wanted to see, ones we didn't and then listed privledges for doing good and consequences for bad behaviors. This is so awesome because then you eliminate the confrontation of disipline. All I do is look at the contract and tell her what the consequence is and thats it.

 

Tammy

 
July 30, 2005, 5:40 am CDT

Cleaning out the room

Quote From: tammyo1973

She has bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. She is the queen of backtalk.

 

My problem is she doesn't get the consequence thing. No matter what I do she doesn't get it.

 

My best weapon was a behavioral contract. I printed the one from Dr. Phil's book Family FIrst.We use that.

When things get so out of control I strip her room. I mean EVERYTHING except her bed and a weeks worth of clothes, that I picked.  I think some of the problem with children today is they just get everything. They have everything. Once I took all my daughters things she had to earn them back. She had a point system and every 10 points she got to go into the storage room and get one item. This way they have to "work" at their behavior and it takes a long time to get everything back.

 

You have to find what works for you but if you lay everything out in a contract (get your childs input as well this makes them feel involved not punished at the get go) everyone sign it and then review every so often.

Because of my daughters illness I had to include small things like showering everyday and taking her meds.

 

We put in things that were to be done daily, behaviors that we wanted to see, ones we didn't and then listed privledges for doing good and consequences for bad behaviors. This is so awesome because then you eliminate the confrontation of disipline. All I do is look at the contract and tell her what the consequence is and thats it.

 

Tammy

I too went through the trouble of cleaning out my daughter's room the first of the year.  I did it while she was away for two weeks at a training camp for Sea Cadets(which I thought that this to would straighten her out but hasn't--but she does have good goals with it)  When she came home I sat her down and told her that this was going to be a "Dr Phil" year.  I explained that I took everything out but the bed and a desk for schoolwork.  I would give her, her clothes everyday and that she would have to start earning everything back.  Well it is now going on 8 months of sticking to my guns and slowly things have started to sink in her brain that mom means business.  Still have problems with the mouth(more with dad then me) but she is starting to get into doing some work around the house without having to be told to do it.  I am still hanging in and really trying to stay strong but it is a every day chore for me to keep everything in check and keep the wars from starting.  It has become a point that I really can not wait until she graduates this year and goes into the service and then I will be able to let my breath out.  I have taught her the morals of no sex, no drugs, and no drinking.  She is not allowed to be out running the streets and everywhere I go she has to go as I really do have a big trust issue.  I can't leave her in the house alone to go shopping as everything will be eaten out of the house or she will find a way to steal something that is not locked up.  I have tried the contract, I have tried writing it on the "wall" and have placed all the consequences yet nothing seems to sink in to her head.  So just hang tuff with the stuff out of the room and good luck
 
August 1, 2005, 9:18 am CDT

sounnds good

Quote From: tammyo1973

She has bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. She is the queen of backtalk.

 

My problem is she doesn't get the consequence thing. No matter what I do she doesn't get it.

 

My best weapon was a behavioral contract. I printed the one from Dr. Phil's book Family FIrst.We use that.

When things get so out of control I strip her room. I mean EVERYTHING except her bed and a weeks worth of clothes, that I picked.  I think some of the problem with children today is they just get everything. They have everything. Once I took all my daughters things she had to earn them back. She had a point system and every 10 points she got to go into the storage room and get one item. This way they have to "work" at their behavior and it takes a long time to get everything back.

 

You have to find what works for you but if you lay everything out in a contract (get your childs input as well this makes them feel involved not punished at the get go) everyone sign it and then review every so often.

Because of my daughters illness I had to include small things like showering everyday and taking her meds.

 

We put in things that were to be done daily, behaviors that we wanted to see, ones we didn't and then listed privledges for doing good and consequences for bad behaviors. This is so awesome because then you eliminate the confrontation of disipline. All I do is look at the contract and tell her what the consequence is and thats it.

 

Tammy

 this sounds like smoething that may work with him. i will be trying it soon. thanks.
 
August 1, 2005, 7:46 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: vanitysgun

hey guys...i was just wondering if any of you were raising children that are straightedge (sXe, XXX, etc) For those of you that don't know, that means no sex, no drugs, no drinking. Which i think is great morals to have but my parents and i were talking about it recently and they were upset that my sister is sXe... i am so confused. Can anyone shed some light on this?
I think we as parents have the responsibility to teach our children all the reasons not to participate in drugs, sex and alchol, drugs and alcohol can mess up your brain and ruin your life and sex is a great thing but can be turned into something bad. We, in my home are teaching our children that sex before marriage is wrong and should be saved til you fall in love and marry, save yourselves for the best, and especially having multiple partners can harm your body and even give you low self esteem. It is worth waiting for. Also our children need to know that we all make mistakes but with those mistakes comes consequences and we need to own up to our own mistakes and consequences, I want my children to know that they can trust me and their father and though we may get dissappointed at times, that is just a part of life but it is imporant to have boundaries and for parents to stick with them and we need to set good examples for them, if we are teaching them that drugs and alcohol is wrong then we should not be doing them either. Children live what they learn.
 
August 3, 2005, 10:55 pm CDT

huh?

Quote From: vanitysgun

hey guys...i was just wondering if any of you were raising children that are straightedge (sXe, XXX, etc) For those of you that don't know, that means no sex, no drugs, no drinking. Which i think is great morals to have but my parents and i were talking about it recently and they were upset that my sister is sXe... i am so confused. Can anyone shed some light on this?
Sorry, I dont quite understand. The are upset that your sister is what?
 
August 8, 2005, 5:04 pm CDT

question

My brother isn't really a teen anymore (he's twenty), but he sure acts like one. He wakes up at noon at the earliest, if my mother's been hassling him for at least an hour to get up. He basically goes straight to the computer and plays his favorite internet game all day long. If he gets hungry after having eaten breakfast, he'll raid the fridge upstairs, often eating food my mother made for dinner, and saying 'oh well' when she tells him it was for everyone. He takes a shower about half an hour before dinner if someone makes him; sometimes he refuses to shower until after b/c his game was 'important'. If my mother asks his to bring anything up from downstairs, he screams at her that he's busy, and only brings it up wayyyy later. He's started University, but his grades are not as good as they could be b/c he does assignments at the last minute since all his time is taken up playing the game. He's rude and self-centered (which he may have learned from our father, who watches tv all day and refuses to plan and make a single dinner around the house, won't buy food unless it's intended soley for him, and generally pays attention to no one). I think that my parents should set guidlines for him, like how long he can use the internet everyday, what time he has to be up by, what time he has to go to bed by (he stays up 'till five talking so loud on ventrilo server he kept me up for months before they made im change rooms - he was underneath me before), what he has to do around the house, at least wash himself or bring up his own dirty dishes. Make him eat dinner with the family instead of letting him take his plate downstairs so he can continue playing. But my mother says he too old and she can't force anyone to do anything anyway. I say, it's still your house, you pay food and school and internet and EVERYTHING, so you decide house rules. He should be considerate or get kicked out. I just want to know what other people's opinions are. I just don't think he's being done any favor when they let him live like this, with no motivation and no concern for other people.
 
August 8, 2005, 7:15 pm CDT

annanut

Quote From: annanut

My brother isn't really a teen anymore (he's twenty), but he sure acts like one. He wakes up at noon at the earliest, if my mother's been hassling him for at least an hour to get up. He basically goes straight to the computer and plays his favorite internet game all day long. If he gets hungry after having eaten breakfast, he'll raid the fridge upstairs, often eating food my mother made for dinner, and saying 'oh well' when she tells him it was for everyone. He takes a shower about half an hour before dinner if someone makes him; sometimes he refuses to shower until after b/c his game was 'important'. If my mother asks his to bring anything up from downstairs, he screams at her that he's busy, and only brings it up wayyyy later. He's started University, but his grades are not as good as they could be b/c he does assignments at the last minute since all his time is taken up playing the game. He's rude and self-centered (which he may have learned from our father, who watches tv all day and refuses to plan and make a single dinner around the house, won't buy food unless it's intended soley for him, and generally pays attention to no one). I think that my parents should set guidlines for him, like how long he can use the internet everyday, what time he has to be up by, what time he has to go to bed by (he stays up 'till five talking so loud on ventrilo server he kept me up for months before they made im change rooms - he was underneath me before), what he has to do around the house, at least wash himself or bring up his own dirty dishes. Make him eat dinner with the family instead of letting him take his plate downstairs so he can continue playing. But my mother says he too old and she can't force anyone to do anything anyway. I say, it's still your house, you pay food and school and internet and EVERYTHING, so you decide house rules. He should be considerate or get kicked out. I just want to know what other people's opinions are. I just don't think he's being done any favor when they let him live like this, with no motivation and no concern for other people.

  

At twenty I have to think your window for setting behavior expectations has already closed. These are the kinds of things you need to establish prior to adulthood. You have given your opinion and now it really is in your parents hands. This of course is a lesson for you when you have your children. I have a son who is eighteen and is starting college in the fall. He is working almost full time and expects to have reached an age where he sets his own schedule. We have to occassionally have to give him a deadline for certain things in order to get them done. There is something about that age that requires they learn some of these things on their own. I think your father is the model that your brother is using. The ball is in your parent's court you need to let them handle this.  

 
September 6, 2005, 2:18 pm CDT

TRAVELING WITH A 12 YEAR OLD

During December, my family is going to Disneyland.  This year, we are hoping to take my 12 year old niece.  Does anyone have any suggestions on traveling with a 12 year old?
 
September 8, 2005, 7:14 am CDT

At What Age do U tell Children Real Reason Father Left

Myproblem that I am looking for advice is, I have 2 children one is 15 the other 12. About 8 years ago there father (my husband) walked out of are lives to live elsewhere. When we told the kids, he told them he didn't love there mother anymore and he would be happier living somewhere else. It was a really tough time for my children, they were 7 and 4, but though the years we have made life wonderful for us. He does have ever two week visitation, but not the best type of parent. Really not there for the children at all. My problem is, the real reason he left was he had a girl friend, which I didnt no til after he was gone, but 100 & 10% sure they were seeing each other while we were married. He did live with her for a while then split. Always say it was the biggest mistake he has ever made. To get to the problem, I live in a small town where he grew up, he lives about 1 hour away. When he left 8 years ago everyone in the town new he left for the girl friend. I am now concerned as my children get older what would happen if they find out. I am and don't want to protect my ex from his actions but I will always want to protect my children. I just wonder if at some time in there lives someone will tell them, will they hate me for not telling that to start with? I felt they were way too young, but I think once they find out the truth they will feel alot of hated feeling toward there father. Can anyone give me some advice as to what is the best for the children. Also, who should tell them, if there father is still denining it, should I tell them.. They did meet and know the girl friend, but they were too little to really understand what was going on thank you
 
September 8, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: babybacker

During December, my family is going to Disneyland.  This year, we are hoping to take my 12 year old niece.  Does anyone have any suggestions on traveling with a 12 year old?
Yes I have a 12 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter. I would recommend, word search books, reading books, if you have a travel dvd player, borrow from the library "Mary Kate and Ashley" movies.  Also, like hand held little games, they sell yazzee, hangman, different types like that. Holp I helped alittle.
 
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