Topic : General Advice

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but I am having real issues here and I don't know what to do anymore!  I am 37 divorced I have 3 kids 16, 13 (both girls)..then there's the boy 11 yrs old.  He has issues in school won't do this or that seems I get a call from the school with complaints about him every other day not doing homework not participating in class, disruptive etc etc. Well 2 yrs ago they told me he shows signs of depression.  ** A little background here, his dad is bipolar and so is my son's 1/2 brother from his dad's previous marriage**  We did not dismiss it but we did not see what they were describing at school at home.  He does have anger issues I won't deny that.  His dad and I split up when he was barely a year old. His dad wasn't much in his life until he turned around 9 he became more active in his life since he finally got straightened up on his meds and quit the "extra curricular" drugs!  Anyways, past couple of years he's had soiled underwear in the past but not too often and not that bad..typical boy stuff I would assume.  Then it has steadily got worse.  At first he would complain he was constipated and wouldn't have a bowel movement for several days he would then would complain it hurt to go to the bathroom. I tried laxatives and suppositories then complained his stomach hurt when he took them then had diahrhea (sp?). 

Back in October I got a call from the school that it was an emergency. My son had wrote a note that he would die soon and the school took it as a suicide note I ended up having to take him to a county psych hospital at the demand of the school in which they admitted him and kept him for a week diagnosed him as depressed stuck him on zoloft and a couple of anger management of classes.  Now we go once a month through the MHMR since I don't have insurance to keep him on the pills.  Anyways the soiled underwear is worse and it's just gross!  It's like he just poops in his pants and doesn't think anything about it.  Everytime we do something that require physical activity he's running back and forth to the bathroom. At first I thought it was his way of getting out of doing his share of the chores.  I'm thinking my gosh anyone that can run back and forth to the bathroom as much as he does shouldn't have underwear caked with poop!  It's to the point he SMELLS like poop and the kids complain about him at school that he smells. I asked him if it bothers him he said no he doesn't notice, but I Can notice when he's got poop in his underwear because he walks funny and complains his butt hurts.  I even bought him adult pull ups because I got tired of throwing his underwear away instead of washing them it was THAT bad. I figured that would click on him to either get to the bathroom or wipe better or something!  Nope, he just thought that was a way for him to just go ahead and keep on going since he wasn't ruining anymore underwear this way. Went back to underwear and have been making him clean his own underwear by hand and do his own laundry, this isn't helping either.  Yes I've taken him to the doctor the doctor just prescribed him some more over the counter stool softeners which seemed to make things worse.  We were walking through the grocery store the other day and all of a sudden he bends over and starts dancing and crossing his legs Im like what is WRONG with you? He said he had to go to the bathroom and he wasn't going to make it I said good gosh why didn't you go already it doesn't just hit LIKE THAT.  He said it did.  So he got home today came up to me and gave me a hug and REAKED of poop. I was like oh god, go take a bath and go wash your underwear.  I asked him why he can' t wipe any better, he said he does I said there was no way he could have and have THAT much poop in his underwear so WHY are you doing this and I told him I didn't want "i don't know" as answer.  He said it just happens!  So I don't know if he's just being lazy or if this is  a real medical issue or if this is a mental thing.  The doctor didn't seem to get what he or I was trying to tell him what was going on when we there last time that we have a real issue here!  He will be in 6th grade next year and will have to change in front of a bunch of other kids in PE and he's going to get the snot beat out of him for having poop in his underwear by other boys.  He's in 5th grade now, he's 5'6" weighs around 160 and wears a 10 1/2 mens shoe.  He's a big boy and gets picked on a lot by other kids because of his size already.  The psychiatrist just also placed him on Concerta because he is showing signs of ADD or ADHD and he does have an older 1/2 sister that is ADHD.  We've come to the point that after showers we have to do "butt checks" because he doesn't wash his butt really well and there's still goop still in his crack after the bath.  I think what is bothering me most is that none of it bothers him at all!  HELP!

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but I am having real issues here and I don't know what to do anymore!  I am 37 divorced I have 3 kids 16, 13 (both girls)..then there's the boy 11 yrs old.  He has issues in school won't do this or that seems I get a call from the school with complaints about him every other day not doing homework not participating in class, disruptive etc etc. Well 2 yrs ago they told me he shows signs of depression.  ** A little background here, his dad is bipolar and so is my son's 1/2 brother from his dad's previous marriage**  We did not dismiss it but we did not see what they were describing at school at home.  He does have anger issues I won't deny that.  His dad and I split up when he was barely a year old. His dad wasn't much in his life until he turned around 9 he became more active in his life since he finally got straightened up on his meds and quit the "extra curricular" drugs!  Anyways, past couple of years he's had soiled underwear in the past but not too often and not that bad..typical boy stuff I would assume.  Then it has steadily got worse.  At first he would complain he was constipated and wouldn't have a bowel movement for several days he would then would complain it hurt to go to the bathroom. I tried laxatives and suppositories then complained his stomach hurt when he took them then had diahrhea (sp?). 

Back in October I got a call from the school that it was an emergency. My son had wrote a note that he would die soon and the school took it as a suicide note I ended up having to take him to a county psych hospital at the demand of the school in which they admitted him and kept him for a week diagnosed him as depressed stuck him on zoloft and a couple of anger management of classes.  Now we go once a month through the MHMR since I don't have insurance to keep him on the pills.  Anyways the soiled underwear is worse and it's just gross!  It's like he just poops in his pants and doesn't think anything about it.  Everytime we do something that require physical activity he's running back and forth to the bathroom. At first I thought it was his way of getting out of doing his share of the chores.  I'm thinking my gosh anyone that can run back and forth to the bathroom as much as he does shouldn't have underwear caked with poop!  It's to the point he SMELLS like poop and the kids complain about him at school that he smells. I asked him if it bothers him he said no he doesn't notice, but I Can notice when he's got poop in his underwear because he walks funny and complains his butt hurts.  I even bought him adult pull ups because I got tired of throwing his underwear away instead of washing them it was THAT bad. I figured that would click on him to either get to the bathroom or wipe better or something!  Nope, he just thought that was a way for him to just go ahead and keep on going since he wasn't ruining anymore underwear this way. Went back to underwear and have been making him clean his own underwear by hand and do his own laundry, this isn't helping either.  Yes I've taken him to the doctor the doctor just prescribed him some more over the counter stool softeners which seemed to make things worse.  We were walking through the grocery store the other day and all of a sudden he bends over and starts dancing and crossing his legs Im like what is WRONG with you? He said he had to go to the bathroom and he wasn't going to make it I said good gosh why didn't you go already it doesn't just hit LIKE THAT.  He said it did.  So he got home today came up to me and gave me a hug and REAKED of poop. I was like oh god, go take a bath and go wash your underwear.  I asked him why he can' t wipe any better, he said he does I said there was no way he could have and have THAT much poop in his underwear so WHY are you doing this and I told him I didn't want "i don't know" as answer.  He said it just happens!  So I don't know if he's just being lazy or if this is  a real medical issue or if this is a mental thing.  The doctor didn't seem to get what he or I was trying to tell him what was going on when we there last time that we have a real issue here!  He will be in 6th grade next year and will have to change in front of a bunch of other kids in PE and he's going to get the snot beat out of him for having poop in his underwear by other boys.  He's in 5th grade now, he's 5'6" weighs around 160 and wears a 10 1/2 mens shoe.  He's a big boy and gets picked on a lot by other kids because of his size already.  The psychiatrist just also placed him on Concerta because he is showing signs of ADD or ADHD and he does have an older 1/2 sister that is ADHD.  We've come to the point that after showers we have to do "butt checks" because he doesn't wash his butt really well and there's still goop still in his crack after the bath.  I think what is bothering me most is that none of it bothers him at all!  HELP!

Hi,

I have sole custody of my wonderful 13 year old son.  I have had sole custody since he was 2 years of age.  For years my son has come home and told me of the humiliation and embarassment he feels when he is in public with his father.  Stories of of his fathers public outburst of anger towards others in stores, when driving, telling him to take stuff in stores, negative interactions with the police (the fater has a criminal record) many more stories.  He has also in the recent months spoken of changing his surname to my surname.   He does not want to visit him. In my workds I dont want a court order to have him submit to this.  It is also of my concern that he has become used to sleeping on the floor at the foot of his grandmothers bed.  He used to sleep with her when he was little.  His 11 year old sister still does (the fact that hs slept with his granny did not bother me) .  He is choosing the floor over his dead great grandmothers bed(room) which freeks him out a little.  I am concerned that the fathers behaviors (as reported to me by my son) and my son who is getting older and not willing to swallow and chooses to speak up in his defence will eventually lead to more trouble.  He has recently told him of his beating homosexual men in his younger days and encourages my son to do it in the future and of cours my son has answered "why would I do that?".

I am feeling that I need to petition the court on his behalf. When I look up resourses on the internet there is nothing about children who want to change the terms of their aggreement only  parents who want to alienate their children from their non custodial parents.  I am not attempting to alienate my child I only want to look out for his rights.  My sister suggested that we request the services of a social worker at my sons school to help him work this out or to get outside non familial advice. I am also going to call the "office of the children's lawyer and am encouraging my son to call our provincial child advocate office.

Any advice out there?

okay. im 16.. my names heather.. and i have been having some problems with my parents lately.

they kinda dont trust me because of past actions.. and i regret doingg what i did.. i wish i could go back and take it back ... but my paretns think im gonna keep doing it.. but im not.

& they think im irresponsible & immature.

i admit.. sometimes i do act immature.. but isnt that waht im supposed to do? be a teen and have fun? thats what im doing.

and as for the responsible part.. i had a boyfriend who had hit me ... and i broke up with him and never spoke to him again.. on my own will.. not because my aprents made me.

and my parents dont think im ready for a car or license.. but i think i am. my parents say im not mature ... but i think i am...for the most parrt... unless im with my friends.. then im acting immature & just having a good time..

and if a boy calls me or if i want to hang out with some guy friends they think im gonna make out with him or something. i have a few guy friends that i just dont see that way.. but they just odnt believe me.

so what do you think i could do to prove to my parents that i am trustworthy...able to have a car... and make them believe that my guy friends are JUST friends?

any suggestions?

Sounds like your ex is unpredictable and might even be dangerous. It sounds like your son, at the tender age of 13, has already developed a strong sense of right and wrong, and he wants nothing to do with wrong. My advice to you is the same as your sisters- to seek outside help from a therapist or other professional, because if you go on down to the courthouse and attempt to file these papers on your own, with no record being taken by a professional before hand, you could be turned into the bad guy who is turning your son against his father, and you know that isnt true, and you know that you dont want that to happen. This is a formal process. Your sisters advice, to use the services of the social worker at your sons school, is good advice, and a good place to start if that is the only resource that you have. In my own personal opinion, I have always chosen to keep my childrens school out of our personal life as much as possible, so when I have needed to seek professional help in the past, I found a therapist specializing in pre-teen and family issues, outside of school. This has been such a valuable resource for me and my family, and I dont think I could have been as open and honest as I have been if I was talking to a person who, although is a professional, I have to see/have contact with on a regular basis through the school. That is just me, though, and I understand that other people may have totally different feelings about it, especially if you lack insurance and that is your only resource. Dont delay- your sons feelings are real and they are painful. It is wonderful that he trusts you enough to come to you- you should be proud that your son knows he can trust you. It is important to get the ball rolling, get appointments to see a professional therapist/social worker ASAP so that your son will be comfortable knowing he wont have to go to his fathers. I wish you the best!