Topic : General Advice

HELP! I have a 13 yr old son who is interested in looking at nude photos of women.  I recently checked the history on my computer and one of the site has pictures of women showing their breast.  I know this is natural for a young man but what do I do.  I don't want him visitng these sites and I also don't want to shut down the communication that we do have by "going off" on him.  (This is one thing that he has not told me about)  I need to know how to address this without running him away but stopping him from viewing this stuff on the internet. 

Lastly, when is it ok for buys to see nude photos, if ever?  And how, magazines, internet, ????

Please help. 

Sincerely,

Seeking the advice of someone who knows

I am really confused after reading some of these messages. I was a single parent of two until 5 years ago.  I had my first child at 17. No college just a GED.  My daughter will be 18 next month and my son is 16. I worked during the hours of their school times. I was always there to pick them up. I lived pay check to pay check making 25,000 a year. We took the city bus because I couldn't afford a car. I met a great guy in 1998 but my children didn't meet him until 2001 when I knew we were going to be a serious couple. I spend all my free time with my children.  I do whatever they want and listen to whatever music they are listening to.  I know the staff at my children's schools. I taught myself IM, I know how to navigate MySpace-I KNOW what my children are doing. They do not go to others house without me meeting the parents first. If a parent is not home they do not go. I drop them off myself and talk to the parents.  My daughter has never been on a date. She is not allowed.  She has never spent the night at someone's home.  They do not do what they want , when they want. I taught my children not only about sex but the responsibility that come along with it. Not just a baby but the emotional roller coaster. The sex talks get more in depth as they get older. They know they can ask me and I will tell them the truth. They trust me because I have never lied to them or told them "when your older". These children are my responsibility to raise into productive members of society.  I  trust my children but I do not trust other people to raise my children.  If you ask my children if it sucks having their mom around 24/7 they will probably tell you yes but I refuse to let them fail. 

My reasoning for this? You can watch your children 24/7.

Well by watching your children the way you do you are taking away their learning experience. If you prevent them from falling then how are they supposed to know how to catch themselves when they are on their own? You are in this way NOT raising them as responsible adults I am sorry but it doesn´t just work that way. They need to be able to do the stupid things, see that it isn´t good and then learn they should not do it.

And no you don't watch your children 24/7 or did you install CCTV in their school? Teachers don't have the time nor manpower to watch all their students like for instance during breaks. And maybe those parrents might have slightly different opinions from you so that when they are home they can do stuff you don't want them to do.

I think you have a fear of your children having to be as responsible as you had to be at your age. Therefore you are trying to protect them but by doing so in this rigid way you are actually endangering them. As I said they don't get a chance to learn from their mistakes and you can't always be around to protect them.

You say you trust your children but why don't you show it to them then? They can't even walk/ride the bus home from school? That isn't very trusting!

I am sorry I am being so harsh but I just want to wake you up here!!! This is not the way to do it!!!

Now your daughter is 18 she is an adult by law but you don't treat her like that. What happens if she gets on her own? You always told her what to do and what not, but if you aren't there who will tell her that? She hasn't learned what she shouldn't do she never had to face the consequenses because she did not do the stupid stuff, You prevented her from doing that.

Please relax your rules a bit slowly so that you and your children can get used to it, they need it and so do you probably!

This is a long story, please stay with me...

We have 3 children, the two eldest are boys (20 & 21) and a daughter whom is about to turn 19. Our daughter is disabled due to an accident when she was only 2 and in a special education class, she's a cheer to be around...most of the time (like any teen eh?). She has a young friend I'll call 'Anne' who is also in her class, she has a 16 yr old body and the mind of an 8 year old. Our daughter and Anne get along very well and we have been having her over this summer for company as we live in the country, we have been doing all of the 'girl summer' stuff..painting nails, sun, sand, water, magazines...shopping, they are having a great summer as it should be.

The young girl has been raised by her father whom works to support herself and 3 older siblings in the house, as the mother left when Anne was only 18 months old. Her grandmother had much of an influence until she passed on 2 years ago, but since then I don't believe there has been any other womanly input.

Anne comes to visit with a ripped shopping bag full of clothes which are 2 sizes too small, no underwear nor bras...I'm sure you get it. We aren't wealthy but I have taking the girls out for some shopping and I have managed to pick up some cotton panties and the like, I stuck them in the bottom of a bag I made her for travelling. This has been happening since the end of school and gradually I have been able to weed some Tshirts and shorts for her from our daughter's stock...no biggie.

This week Anne didn't feel well so I took her home early (I called first), she had too much to carry herself so I was allowed entry into the small family home for the first time. I'm not quite sure how to say this without sounding like I'm judging the dad because I know he works hard but the place was...looking for a word here...terrible. They have 2 small dogs that seem to not go outside and have left all of their business on the kichen floor...everywhere. I had to wade and find the kitchen sink just to wet a cloth for her forehead, there is garbage and bags and towels and empty beer bottles and old newspaper and old food...you get the drift. I didn't give any response at all and just kept on as I didn't want Anne to feel as I had noticed.

Now the dilema...should I just go in and have Anne help me clean up? Keep my nose in my own business? Offer to help? We like having Anne here and it seems she loves being here and her father doesn't seem to have any problems with it either, I'm just not sure IF I should go anywhere with it at all. There are 2 older siblings at Anne's home that are female 20 and male 22, and from what I can tell her sister watches Jerry Springer and soaps all day and the brother stays up in his room playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson (I can hear it from outside when I pull up).

My husband says I am always out to save the world...I think we can only do what we can, if we can.

Any thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance :)

Oh My Nerves! 

I'm having a "privacy" issue with my 17yr old son.  He thinks that on absolutely no uncertain terms should "I" be allowed to enter his room! 

He is literally driving me crazy! 

He was away for the weekend with his friends and I had a good reason to go in his room. 

My 10yr old was feeling rather nausated and I had given my 17yr old a Gravol to take with him on a Youth Convention last weekend. (he always gets car sick and the drive was 3.5 hours). 

I told him I looked in his shaving kit for the lonely Gravol I had given him last week, because he said he may or may not need to take it.  His little brother needed one to help him feel better, so I felt this was a good reason to go in his room. 

I literally "FLIPPED" out! (after he accused me of snooping in his room!) 

When I was a teenager, which wasn't that long ago, lol, I had absolutely no problem with my mother going in my room and borrowing something or cleaning my room. 

"Will someone please tell me how I'm supposed to clean that boys room, if I'm not allowed to enter his room???" 

I told him he has a serious problem. I told him I absolutely trust him (he hasn't given me any reason not to thus far). 

I  feel quite confident in saying that he has privacy, but not "secrecy". I told him this is my house and he has to abide by my rules. I will enter his room whenever I feel like it. (well, of course not when he's dressing, etc.) 

I also told him that if he has anything to hide, or something that he doesn't want me to see or know about, leave it outside the house or bury it where I won't find it. 

I don't go in his room with the intent to "snoop". But if I should happen to find something that's "not supposed to be there", then that's his problem and then we will deal with it. 

I just don't understand someone being so upset if their mother (whom I must say gives him the privacy he needs, respects, understands, helps, listens, gives him money, drives him places, loves him, protects him, encourages him, cleans up after him, nurses him, feeds hime, etc., etc., etc.) enters his room. 

Actually, I think it's a control problem.  I think he'd like to control his mother. 

I tell him that when he's out of our house, then he can do whatever he wants...have piercings, tattoos, no rules, PRIVACY. 

He told me I wasn't normal...ok, maybe I'm not....I'm just a parent who just absolutely loves her children and wants nothing but the best for them and will protect them no matter what. 

Dr. Phil came up in the conversation and he told me that no one in the world would think like I do. 

Sorry I wrote a book, but I needed to vent, so I came here...and now I expect to get lots of criticism....and also lots of good adivce. 

Hi,

I would love some advice or maybe a pat on the head. Both would be welcome right now. My 16 year old daughter is extremely strong willed. In the past, when she's acted out, gotten in trouble, or refused to do what's expected, we've taken things away. While this works with some kids, my daughter doesn't care. As long as she gets to do what she wants, she deals with losing privileges.

Every weekend she goes out, sleeps at a friends and gets no sleep. Come Monday morning she claims she's too sick for school. I've let this go a couple times just in case she really was sick but this morning I told her to get up and get ready and that I wasn't buying it. She refused--flat out. I did the usual threatening to no avail. Next I grabbed her cell phone and she flipped out, wrestled with me, started screaming that it was hers and I had no right to take it. I had to force this child to the bed and hold her down, rub her back and talk her out of hysterics. Obviously I still took the phone away (such a manipulator!).

Still, she refused to get up and get ready for school. She told me that she's sixteen and can decide whether she's going to go to school and it's none of my business. A call to my husband was useless. He yelled at her, then told me to let her stay home and take stuff away. Grr... He doesn't understand that getting her way is the issue. She raged for two straight hours until I pretended to make a call to the police. I had to actually pretend to make a report over the phone and argue not to send a car out to the house. Finally, she fell for this, got ready and listened to me explain a few things to her.  I told her that I was the parent, and in true Dr. Phil form, the "tail was not going to wag the dog". I explained that she had lots of freedoms and I expected her to, in the least, have some respect. On her way out the door, I handed over her car keys, her phone and said that I didn't want to be her best friend; I wanted to help her grow into a respectable young woman. I explained that I no longer am going to let her tell me what she's going to do as long as she's living here at home.

Did I do the right thing? She wasn't very angry when she was leaving and even said goodbye. It's like I have to break her spirit to get her to do what's right. My husband said it was a waste of energy and that I should have let her suffer the consequences of missing school, but there really aren't any.

I have to say, being a Mother is really not all it's cracked up to be. My daughter is mean a lot of the time, manipulative with everyone, and getting worse every year. She works right now but was forced to get a job. While her Father and I were gone for a week on business in May, she broke a window to our home, got in and had a huge 100 person party and destroyed our home. We made her pay back $800 and delayed letting her drive 3 months. But she didn't care. She was grounded 2 months but didn't care because she got what she wanted. Her friends came over one day to see her and had a cardboard sign saying, "Free M****" LIKE IT WAS SOME BIG JOKE!! I actually slammed the door in their faces. What IS THE MATTER WITH THESE GIRLS??!!!

--on a side note--  We've tried therapy. She laughs at the therapists, tells them what they want to hear. I've explained to them this behavior but no one seems able to get past it.

Did I do the right thing?

This past October I married the love of my life.  It is a second marriage for both of us.  I brought to the marriage a daughter 15 and a son 13.  My oldest son, 22, lives an hour away.  My husband brought to the marriage a son 26, a son 24 and a daughter 19.  When we started talking of getting married we discussed his daughter living with us for the first year until she went off to college.  She attended classes part-time for a couple of months plus worked part-time.  She then decided to take classes online which fell through.  Now she is working a full-time job in a factory until she can leave for college this August.  I am having a terrible time adjusting to her living with us.  She has always been a Daddy's girl, never had to be accountable for chores, responsibilities etc. and thinks Dad should take care of everything.  After many many discussions my husband has changed his tune on alot of things....he is finally seeing that he was actually doing her more harm than good by giving her everything and "fixing" everything for her.  I have tried to explain to him that the real world will eat this girl alive because she is so immature at 19 and depended on Daddy for everything.  While I have to agree that it is better than when we first got married I still am having a terrible time adjusting to her being here.  I realize some of the issues are petty but to me they are very frustrating.  For example...we have a chore list for all of the kids (I have always made my kids do chores).  My stepdaughter often does her chores in a hurry so they are not done properly, I constantly hear about her mother, mom said this or mom said that, not to mention that her and her mother are exactly alike....obnoxious, ignorant, lazy and mooches.  One of my husband and I's biggest issues right now is that I feel since she is working a full-time job she needs to buy her own groceries for her lunches at work.  I've tried to explain to my hubby that she needs to realize the responsibility of providing for herself and feeding herself before she goes off to college.  Not only that but it irritates the heck out of me when I buy canned fruits etc. for our suppers only to find them opened up because she took them in her lunches.  A week ago we had a family meeting and told my stepdaughter she had to start buying her own lunches.  Well after a week of staying at her mothers house she came back here and starts all the crap all over again...doing what she wants, when she wants, how she wants....and my husband sees nothing wrong with this.  I've even tried to make the point that I don't support his two oldest sons nor my oldest son and they buy their own lunches, pay their own bills etc. while this spoiled little Daddy's girl is getting a free ride.  We just started making her pay her own car insurance, repairs etc.  (My husband had bought her her car a year ago before we were married...I didnt' agree with this at all but felt it was not my place to speak up at that time....  I feel a child should buy their own car and learn the responsibility of providing for themselves).  At 19 years old almost 20 I feel my stepdaughter needs to get out on her own and live the real life.  This girl also dates a guy that is a loser, cant' keep a job, mooches off of anyone he can (he stills lives at home with his parents at the age of 22 also) and she has at times has paid some of his bills for him.  I say if she's old enough to have a relationship she's old enough to be responsible and pay her own way.   

I get sooo frustrated by it all but I also have 2 children living here with us and their Dad is a loser and doesn't pay his support either...so my husband is supporting them as well.  What do I do in a situation like this?  My stepdaughter should be leaivng for college in 5 months but I don't know if I can stand another 5 months around her.  I have already told my husband if she decides not to go to college she's out the door....as that was the deal....she could live with us while in school.  Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can better cope with this?  I'm tired of my blood pressure being up becuase of an immature 19 year old child that lives in the past and doesn't want to grow up.