Topic : General Advice

I'm at the end of my thether.  I spent an hour browsing and reading Dr. Phils advice on parenting, taking care of yourself is a gift to your children etc....

I am handling  a situation totally incorrectly at the moment. We moved house 6 months ago - a total of 35 minutes drive from our old house. Many reasons really...we felt we were living in an area that offered our teenager ample opportunity to get into trouble. She hung around for hours with her friends whos parents answer to teenage pregnancy was to put them on the pill and be done with it.  Kids were drinking and smoking and as our dd is impressionable we felt that we would be better to move than to stay.  We were known as the strict ones - strict because we didn't allow her hang around until 11 or after, strict because we felt that at 14 she was not old enough to attend the local disco where 'meeting' was a regular occurance (irish term for making out with boys).  There is time enough for that.  she had given up her activities and her boyfriend had a huge influence on her - a negative one.  She loves him I have no doubt and misses him terribly.  Although I would like ot add that she was not allowed a boyfriend and certainly not one so intense as himself.  He's argue for ages on the phone with her about her seeing other boys - she's 14.  I'd end up taking the phone from her and banning the use of her mobile after she went to bed.

Anyway back to my point.  she hates us for the move. we've ruined her life etc etc....we would expect as much and are not surprised by it.  our issue is what to do with it.  it has been 6 months, she found it hard to settle in school but it is becoming apparent that she is determined to not make it work. there is nothing like her old friends..naturally,....nothing like her old school.....we've made allowance and have gone softly softly listening and supporting.  BUT how long do you entertain that for before the line is drawn. I know she tries to make me feel badly every day.  she now says she's given up despite the fact that she was asked and went to the movies on Friday night last with new friends from her new school. 

how long do I allow her to wallow?  I am not so cold as to expect her to 'get over it' but when do you start directing it a little more positively?  She needs to move forward and start particiapating in creating her own happiness.   I have suggested dance classes, horseriding, going back to karate (she's a black belt), art classes, scuba diving...she's not taking anything up. she's miserable and determined to stay that way. 

any advice. Is there are holes in this please ask questions to fill in the gaps.

thanks in advance

Don't worry I won't judge you, that you started bullying has a reason and you being here means you really want to change and that you are a good person by heart. If I read between the lines I think that you were bullied yourself am I right? or did something else happen? (don't have to describe it in detail though if you don't want to)

first of all thank u for your support i really appreciate it and u r right i was and they were like the mean girls so they would boss me around i stood up to them by bullying them and they just stoped so i took it as a habit because people started to be scared but i dont want them to i want them to respect me for who i am.

thank u for helping me. 

Well you found out mean girls leave you alone if you are one of the mean girls. You now found out that others don't respect you for who you are now but for what you do.

It is hard to change old habits but you might try writing a letter to yourself in which you write down what happened to you, what you did to the other kids and what you don't like about that. This will make you aware of what you are doing. You might also write a letter to the kids who bullied you in which you forgive them, if you still have their negativity within you it will be hard to stop and see the good in people. Also write a letter to your victoms in which you ask for their forgivenis and that you want to change and that you where once one of them. These letters are symbolic and for your eyes only, after you wrote them burn them so that you close off the past and all that has happened.

But the change is harder then just that you need to change your behaviour and that takes time. Ask a teacher/school counselor whom you trust to help you with changing your behaviour.

I hope this will help you with your process,

xx Oet Gäöl

Hi good tips i guess i can do that but the most hardest things to do is to apologize cause it is hard to me to say that i am wrong but i really do think that it is worth going a step forward so i am ganna try my best so i guess i can do all these things.

thank u so much for evrey single word of advice.