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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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October 12, 2005, 7:01 am CDT

Lying tennagers

I have a 15 year old son who is lying. I know that he is lying so he doesn't get caught for what ever it is he is doing wrong. But how do I make him stop? For example, last night my husband and I were out and when we came home we saw him eating in  he family room. Now the rule is no eating in the family room. We also could see him going into the bathroom as soon as he relized that we were home. (We saw the light go on from outside) When we got ion the house my husband called him upstairs and asked him to bring up what he was eating. So he brought up a bag of potato chips. My husband told him to go downstairs and bring up the container he was eating from. (it was empty so he technically wasn't eating from it anymore, that's what my son said) So we went downstairs to see what else was there and there was the lid to the container on the arm of the sofa and an empty drink. My husband went into the bathroom to throw something out and saw a fork in   the garbage. So he asked my son how did the fork get into the garbage? My son said "I don't know" So he said you were eating out of the container with your fingers? My son said yes I was. Now I know he put it there, and I said to him that I knew he put it there and that he was only making things worse by lying but he swears up and down that he didn't do it and got mad at me for not beleiving him. So we called our other son and asked him if he put it there and he said no. So now my son says that we always accuse him of the crime right away and never suspect anyone else.  

How can I get my son to own up to what he has done and to stop lying?! 

 
October 12, 2005, 7:44 pm CDT

Is 20 years old too old?

  

  Is twenty years old too old of a girl for my daughter of 16 to want to "hang out" with? 

I think so.. now.. how do I tell her that. 

She gets all ticked off at me when I tell her that she is too  old for her to be hanging with.  This girl is married with two kids and one more on the way.  She got pregnentt in her early teens obviously, and I think the influence is terrible.  She doesnt do drugs.. or anything like that.. but I feel as if her lifestyle of being pregnent in her teens and now being married looks too easy for my daughter to be deterred from doing the same thing. 

My daughter wants to babysit for her and sometimes I let her.. but. Im not comfortable letting her do that either. 

There isnt any supervision when she is there.. its whatever my daughter wants to do. 

I dont like it.. now how do I tell her that? 

  

ladypawn 

 
October 13, 2005, 6:41 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: bendlady

In response to the the last response. I clearly stated that I can't go to see another Dr. because This DR. is the ONLY one in my area that is qualified to deal with ADD. The dose upping was also clearly stated that I did discuss this with the DR. and she admitted it was a mistake but she chose to leave the MG.'s at the higher dose. I also stated that I did research the drugs and that's how I found out the severe side effects. A DR. will only see you on app. basis and if the DR. says it isn't nessesery than no appointment is given, therefore going into the office would be useful only in waisting time. 

WHen I say "Do some internet research find a board on this site with other parents with ADD children, or make your own.  Get informed. "  I mean talk to other parents get ideas from them. 

  

What is the reason you can't go to another area to find a doctor?  I grew up in a small town and we only had the one Dr, my parents often drove to the next town, when I needed braces they drove to the next city, it was a two hour drive monthly.   

  

IF this doctor doesn't think it is necessary then I would report him to the Medical Assocation. 

 
October 13, 2005, 8:13 am CDT

Lazy 13-year old son

Hi I'm having major problems with my step-son being so lazy. All he wants to do is watch TV and play computer games. Last year he almost flunked his grade, and so far this year he is not doing well. He always made honor roll. His problem is school is crap like he "forgot" or "didnt feel like" filling out his daily journal or his book reports. He is supposed to be getting the journal signed everyday by us but he just "forgets". It doesn't matter how much he reads a day, if you dont write down things about the book you fail. It's just plain up stupid. He is not doing well in any of his other subjects either, except for Art!!! So we have taken his privelages away from him --tv, and computer games. We also give him 3 simple things each day to do for chores-- feed the dog, clean room, and dump the trash. He never does it until we come home from work and TELL him to. So then we decided to give him an allowance for doing his chores each day WITHOUT being told. That didnt work either. It did for about 2 days. Then recently I offered him a job where I work at. I work for a newspaper company, and my boss was asking did someones kid want to come and help organize a room in our building (just a bunch of newspapers that needs sorting through). My boss is going to pay and very well I here. It would be a little something to do after school, nothing permanent. I would pick him up in the middle of my day and bring him over, ect. So I go home talk it over with his father, and then talk to him. Before I could even finish he was shaking his head no. I said you havent even heard me out yet. I mentioned the money, he says how much. I say well I dont know the exact amount but a co-workers son has done a lot of work for my boss before, even cuts his grass, and my co-worker says he pays good. Anyway then after I finished talking to him, he tells me NO, he is not interested. I said why? He says, HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!! I then said thats not it you are just plain up lazy. His dad was shocked, but I don't know why because I have been telling him this all along. Please help! Thanks!!!
 
October 13, 2005, 9:15 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: tammym

Hi I'm having major problems with my step-son being so lazy. All he wants to do is watch TV and play computer games. Last year he almost flunked his grade, and so far this year he is not doing well. He always made honor roll. His problem is school is crap like he "forgot" or "didnt feel like" filling out his daily journal or his book reports. He is supposed to be getting the journal signed everyday by us but he just "forgets". It doesn't matter how much he reads a day, if you dont write down things about the book you fail. It's just plain up stupid. He is not doing well in any of his other subjects either, except for Art!!! So we have taken his privelages away from him --tv, and computer games. We also give him 3 simple things each day to do for chores-- feed the dog, clean room, and dump the trash. He never does it until we come home from work and TELL him to. So then we decided to give him an allowance for doing his chores each day WITHOUT being told. That didnt work either. It did for about 2 days. Then recently I offered him a job where I work at. I work for a newspaper company, and my boss was asking did someones kid want to come and help organize a room in our building (just a bunch of newspapers that needs sorting through). My boss is going to pay and very well I here. It would be a little something to do after school, nothing permanent. I would pick him up in the middle of my day and bring him over, ect. So I go home talk it over with his father, and then talk to him. Before I could even finish he was shaking his head no. I said you havent even heard me out yet. I mentioned the money, he says how much. I say well I dont know the exact amount but a co-workers son has done a lot of work for my boss before, even cuts his grass, and my co-worker says he pays good. Anyway then after I finished talking to him, he tells me NO, he is not interested. I said why? He says, HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!! I then said thats not it you are just plain up lazy. His dad was shocked, but I don't know why because I have been telling him this all along. Please help! Thanks!!!

NOt sure if I can help you are not, but my son (when he was that age) didn't do well in school either, actaully he would do assigments and one night we stayed up late to finnish it (I helped him) and then he didn't even hand it in!  I didn't find out until report cards that he didn't hand it in, I couldn't figure out why when I even helped him with it.   

  

He was suppose to get his homework journal signed everyday by me, and he would forget it, and things like that.  I talked to alot of parents, some with kids the same age and some older who went through the same thing.  A few of them said, it is his life, back off, he will realize on his own.  This was hard for me to do as I want the best for my son.  But I was tired of phone calls and emails.  So I did, I backed off.  He is now 15 and I havent' got a call from the school since grade 8!  (he is in grade 10) He does it on his own. 

  

  

 
October 13, 2005, 9:19 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: rvenner

I have a 15 year old son who is lying. I know that he is lying so he doesn't get caught for what ever it is he is doing wrong. But how do I make him stop? For example, last night my husband and I were out and when we came home we saw him eating in  he family room. Now the rule is no eating in the family room. We also could see him going into the bathroom as soon as he relized that we were home. (We saw the light go on from outside) When we got ion the house my husband called him upstairs and asked him to bring up what he was eating. So he brought up a bag of potato chips. My husband told him to go downstairs and bring up the container he was eating from. (it was empty so he technically wasn't eating from it anymore, that's what my son said) So we went downstairs to see what else was there and there was the lid to the container on the arm of the sofa and an empty drink. My husband went into the bathroom to throw something out and saw a fork in   the garbage. So he asked my son how did the fork get into the garbage? My son said "I don't know" So he said you were eating out of the container with your fingers? My son said yes I was. Now I know he put it there, and I said to him that I knew he put it there and that he was only making things worse by lying but he swears up and down that he didn't do it and got mad at me for not beleiving him. So we called our other son and asked him if he put it there and he said no. So now my son says that we always accuse him of the crime right away and never suspect anyone else.  

How can I get my son to own up to what he has done and to stop lying?! 

My son is 15 and does the same thing.  Has been for awhile.  Won't own up to anything, even when I catch him,  I told him I will blame you for everything, when something is missing, I say it was him,  prove me differently.  Honestly I don't know how to get them to stop.  I keep my room locked, have thought about puttin a lock on the panrty.  He is not allowed to be home alone.  If we go somewhere he has to come with us or leave the house and doesn't get a key.   

  

Kids are very good and making us believe it wasn't them who did it.  My son is getting better, I think with time they grow up. 

 
October 13, 2005, 9:51 am CDT

My stepson is the same way about school...

Quote From: tray00

NOt sure if I can help you are not, but my son (when he was that age) didn't do well in school either, actaully he would do assigments and one night we stayed up late to finnish it (I helped him) and then he didn't even hand it in!  I didn't find out until report cards that he didn't hand it in, I couldn't figure out why when I even helped him with it.   

  

He was suppose to get his homework journal signed everyday by me, and he would forget it, and things like that.  I talked to alot of parents, some with kids the same age and some older who went through the same thing.  A few of them said, it is his life, back off, he will realize on his own.  This was hard for me to do as I want the best for my son.  But I was tired of phone calls and emails.  So I did, I backed off.  He is now 15 and I havent' got a call from the school since grade 8!  (he is in grade 10) He does it on his own. 

  

  

I had to go to a meeting at  his school yesterday and it went as as expected -- stepson isn't doing his homework/assignments and isn't coming to class prepared (no pen or pencil even!).  He is even failing GYM because he isn't bringing his gym clothes -- to make matters worse they are in his school locker!  He owes work in every class but one (Science --and Science is the class that the teacher was at the meeting -- she says she is constantly on him which is why he is up to date!)!  They called him to the meeting when we were done talking to talk to him as well.  He just sat there with such an "I don't care attitude!"  His attitude is "I don't want to be here -- I want to be at my mom's cause she won't bug me to do schoolwork etc!"  He was told to see his teachers for the makeup work -- I even told him to go after school if he needed to....and he comes home with only a Science ditto (the only class he is not behind in).  

  

In the past, his teachers' and I signed his homework planner to make sure he was writing down the assignments and doing them but we all felt that he is 13 now and when he goes to high school next year he won't get treated that way -- he will have to be responsible for himself so we are trying (with no luck yet) to get him to do it himself.... 

   

His dad grounded him for lack of homework/effort etc.  which means no TV, computer, phone or hanging out with friends.  He can still go to chess club though because we feel chess club is good for his thinking as well as socially.  He decorated his pumpkin last night with dad (cleaned it out and made pumpkin seeds...etc.) and then he got ready for bed but I am dreading today after school (whether he gets the makeup work or not and then when homework is done and wants to watch tv or go online or go out with friends....) when I have to be the evil stepmom.  He kept telling me stories last night of things other adults have said to him about me (mostly his mom) and I know he was just trying to hurt me cause he wants me to not to care and he wants his mom!  

   

His sister had a rude awakening last year when she went into high school  and the first semester progress reports came out -- she tried to do makeup work for missing assignments and she was reminded that there is no makeup work in high school.  If they don't do an assignment it is a zero.  If they are out sick, it is their responsibility the day that they are back to get the work and do right away -- some classes it is due the following day.  She straightened out and is doing extremely well now (well I get progress reports next week so we'll see for sure but she has been holding her own and being responsible ever since she started.)  She will be 16 and I realize that girls mature faster than boys but I keep hoping that her brother will become more responsible. 

  

 
October 13, 2005, 9:49 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: reneed

My 15 yr. old whom I love so much is so distant with me. She mostly interacts with me when she has to. She will answer direct questions. She hides her emotions. When I tell her that I love her (atleast once a day) or try to hug her or pat her, any physical touch, she pushes away. In the past she has been rude & disrespectful and often still is. I have tried rewarding her, punishing her, counseling. It is stressful to live in the same house without any positive interaction. Any ideas????????? This started 2 years ago. when I discovered ( 6mos after the change in behavior/attitude)she was being stalked by an 18 yr. old schoolmate, (who she liked) he was a cutter & sucidal (& sucessful 5 mos ago). After taking legal action against him & tranferring her to another school this attitude with my daughter started getting worseand still today she is silent with me
Do you know if she is like that all the time?  Does she open up at school or when she hangs out with friends?  Based on just what you've written here, I'm wondering if she could be clinically depressed.
 
October 13, 2005, 10:46 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: joyceymay

Do you know if she is like that all the time?  Does she open up at school or when she hangs out with friends?  Based on just what you've written here, I'm wondering if she could be clinically depressed.

No not all the time with others,only me. I am in contact with the school and she is now very out going while she is there. Initally , a year ago when I transferred her to her recent school the school too was concerened,Black clothes, anti-social & enjoying some sick music not now, until recently.  

Her father lives 2 miles away & sees her on a daily basis he & I (& at times our spouses) are friends & we are all very supportive of her. Old behavoirs are surfacing now that she has found herself a new boyfriend, the new boy at school. However he has already moved on to  a boys hm., his probation officer transferred him w/ a court order. I disapprove have tried to talk w/ her she cries & will not look at me. I am now searching for a good Christian counslor & hoping soon that she will communicate with someone. Meanwhile I"ll pray alot more 've scheduled an appt. w/ her M.D. Thank you for your input 

 
October 14, 2005, 6:00 am CDT

I need to fix this fast.

Ok all... I need an honest opinion on this.  I need to fix this right away. 

I have a 16 year old daughter who dated a boy for about 14 months.  This boy spent a lot of time with our family.  He went on family vacation with us.  He spent the weekends here because his family is a mess. They cannot give him anything.  He doesn't have what kids his age should have.    Mother likes to party.  Dad just moved here from living out of state.   I did a lot for him, picked him from his house rather than have him walking 5 miles in the rain/snow to visit my daughter etc.  I made sure he was safe on the weekends by letting him stay here.  I made sure he ate & had clean clothes. I had plenty of arguments with my daughter about him being here all the time, but it is what she wanted so I gave in and allowed it.   

Recently, out of the blue, my daughter broke up with this boy.  When I asked her why, she just said that he was always with her and she wanted her freedom and that he didn't do anything wrong to her.  She won't even have a conversation with him when he calls.  It's one or two words & she hangs up.  He told me that he misses the entire family because nobody has ever accepted him like we did.  I told her that this breakup is a loss for me too.  I grew to care about him like a son.  

I feel horrible about this.  I don't want him to feel abandoned.  I want him to know that if he needs something, he can call.  I want to help him get the things he needs so that he stays on the right path. 

I got into an argument with my daughter about him the other day (and there have been a couple previous arguments about the same subject).  I told her that I thought she was being rude to him and that it wasn't fair because he didn't do anything bad to her and she should at least be civil.  

She told me that she was going to her dads (we are divorced).  She doesn't go visit her dad at his house.  Her and her dad have an pretty good relationship.  They do see each other sporadically throughout the week (maybe an hour each time) and ocassionally will go have breakfast on Sundays.  He calls her a couple times every day.   When she said that, it was like sticking a knife in me.  I was hurt. She also told me this the last time we had an argument.  She hasn't stayed with her dad since he got re-married a year and a half ago.  She tried it, but clashed with his new wife as she is jealous of the attention my ex gives to our daughter.  Her & my daughter clashed before and his wife moved my daughters bed out and my ex brought all of my daughters things to my house.  He married into having 4 step kids.  I am not fond of his new family.  One of his step daughters lived at the house with her boyfriend and has since moved out.  The other daughter moved out with her boyfriend & had a baby at 17, but now is back home with the baby.  The other daughter moved out at 17 & lives with her boyfriend.  The son is always in trouble.  Her father gives her more leniency than I do as far as curfew and things of that nature.  I asked her if she wanted to stay at her dads & she said she thought it would be good if she stayed there a few days a week.  I told her that she would have to either live by his rules there or my rules here.  

She came home from school & started packing some things to go to her dads.  I asked her to leave her house key which she did.   I told her that if things got tense between us that she could go to her dads for the day and visit if she wanted to but she didn't have to move any of her things there.  She told my sister that I didn't want her here because I took her house key. 

I know I need to just let her be and make her own decisions.  If she chooses not to talk to her ex, I know I need to accept that and I'm working on it. I don't want her to think I don't love her and that she can't come home but I don't want her thinking she can run away every time there is a disagreement.  I haven't spoken to her in a day and it's killing me.  I don't want to push her away.  I want her here, not there.  She hurt me and I'm sure I hurt her back.  What do I do?   

 
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