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February 26, 2007, 2:26 pm PST

General Advice

Quote From: tarahgirl

I have a four and 1/2 year old who attends daycare five days a week. She has not pooped in her panties for over a year now. All of a sudden she has started this behavior at home. This is not an accident and I really don't know what to do about it. She is an only child and both my husband and I work. She has also become very rude and defiant toward my husband. We have taken the TV out of her for punishment, but more than this I am concerned about her bathrrom behaviors. Any advice????

I would be concerned as well. I think I would discuss this with her pediatrician....it sounds like there might be an emotional issue at work here and it's manifesting itself in this manner. Especially with her attitude towards her father. (I'm assuming that your husband is her father..if I'm wrong, I apologize)

It's not normal for a child that's been potty trained that long to revert...not without a reason. Good luck in finding out what reason is....

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caroearney

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February 28, 2007, 10:37 am PST

parenting with an ex husband

My former husband and I have been divorced for 10 years. We have a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son both of whom live with me. I have set boundaries for both teens, I have rules and expectations that I expect them both to follow. when one or the other breaks a rule or is defiant or disrespectful and is handed a disciplinarian consequence, such as grounding and or the loss of a certain privelage, thier father undermines my decision, allows the children to manipulate the situation, and he tells them that "life isn't about rules" and that they should live with him and get out of the prison your mother has you in. Now, I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I feel that my parenting is consistent and fair. I provide very well for our teenagers and I don't accept it when my teenagers are disrespectful. I hold them accountable for every decision they make. My former husband also told my teenagers that the child support he pays should be handed over to them so that they can spend it at thier leisure. I don't know what to do. It has gotten to the point where my daughter moved out last year to live with her father and stayed a few months and came back and now my son is pulling the same stunt. "I don't like your rules I am moving to dads". And, thier father allows this. I wish he understood the reprecussion from his actions, he's not doing them any favors by teaching them defiance. I truly believe he does this to spite me. Thats so unfair to our children. They are great kids, they are typical teenagers, they just need boundaries, and they need to be taught responsibility, and respect for themselves as well as others. Am I missing something though? Thanks for your help!

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ricschic

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February 28, 2007, 10:38 pm PST

General Advice

Quote From: caroearney

My former husband and I have been divorced for 10 years. We have a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son both of whom live with me. I have set boundaries for both teens, I have rules and expectations that I expect them both to follow. when one or the other breaks a rule or is defiant or disrespectful and is handed a disciplinarian consequence, such as grounding and or the loss of a certain privelage, thier father undermines my decision, allows the children to manipulate the situation, and he tells them that "life isn't about rules" and that they should live with him and get out of the prison your mother has you in. Now, I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I feel that my parenting is consistent and fair. I provide very well for our teenagers and I don't accept it when my teenagers are disrespectful. I hold them accountable for every decision they make. My former husband also told my teenagers that the child support he pays should be handed over to them so that they can spend it at thier leisure. I don't know what to do. It has gotten to the point where my daughter moved out last year to live with her father and stayed a few months and came back and now my son is pulling the same stunt. "I don't like your rules I am moving to dads". And, thier father allows this. I wish he understood the reprecussion from his actions, he's not doing them any favors by teaching them defiance. I truly believe he does this to spite me. Thats so unfair to our children. They are great kids, they are typical teenagers, they just need boundaries, and they need to be taught responsibility, and respect for themselves as well as others. Am I missing something though? Thanks for your help!

Doesn't sound to me like you're missing a thing! Sounds to me like you're doing your dead-level best to raise productive people here. You're attempting to teach them the things they need to know, and you deserve a HUGE pat on the back for that one!! It's a shame your ex isn't on board with you here. I'm going to assume that no amount of talking to him in the world is going to alter this ridiculous mind-set he's got going on.

All you can do is keep on doing what you're doing. Irregardless of what he tells the children, you're going to have to set them straight. And why in the world does he discuss ANY financial issue involving adults with children??? What about the "support" part of child support doesn't he seem to understand? You're supporting your kids with the money he sends. THAT is what it's all about.

Unfortunately, your son just might have to learn the hard way (it'll likely be the hard way for you as well as his mother) that living with his dad isn't necessarily the green pasture on the other side of the fence he thinks it is. A lot of teenagers seem to have to learn lessons the hard way. All you can do is be your same, consistent, no bs self....and know that at the end of the day, you've done your job and done it well. The rest will eventually work itself out. But I'm sorry that for you, you're going to have to just keep the fight up. I think I see part of the reason why he's your ex....

I wish you all the luck in the world. You're certainly doing the right thing here..I don't want you to doubt that for one second....

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spuzycoycoy

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March 1, 2007, 12:13 pm PST

Help with college girls

My husband and i are doing well with our blended families....but i have difficulties with his/our twin 19yr olds.....they have been coddled much of their lives.....are in their second year of college (about an hour away).....and are outwardly dependent on their entire family....i so wish they would grow more by staying at college most weekend but they always desire to come home every weekend to be with old friends and boyfriends....and family.....i want to foster a sense of the "real world" with them...and for them to feel the benefits of growing into an independent woman...along with meeting people outside of the 800something population town we live in......yet i get the feeling no one else feels this...and i fear even though my husband verbalizes his desires being the same as mine that his own guilt from divorcing their mother and moving away for some years stifles his real ability to see how this is crippling them in some respects.....they called today wanting us to pick them up in inclement weather because they wanted to get home for the weekend....yet it is somewhat dangerous for anyone to be driving......my thoughts were they should stay put...why for heavens sake did they even bother to go "away" to college?

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caroearney

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March 1, 2007, 1:39 pm PST

General Advice

Quote From: ricschic

Doesn't sound to me like you're missing a thing! Sounds to me like you're doing your dead-level best to raise productive people here. You're attempting to teach them the things they need to know, and you deserve a HUGE pat on the back for that one!! It's a shame your ex isn't on board with you here. I'm going to assume that no amount of talking to him in the world is going to alter this ridiculous mind-set he's got going on.

All you can do is keep on doing what you're doing. Irregardless of what he tells the children, you're going to have to set them straight. And why in the world does he discuss ANY financial issue involving adults with children??? What about the "support" part of child support doesn't he seem to understand? You're supporting your kids with the money he sends. THAT is what it's all about.

Unfortunately, your son just might have to learn the hard way (it'll likely be the hard way for you as well as his mother) that living with his dad isn't necessarily the green pasture on the other side of the fence he thinks it is. A lot of teenagers seem to have to learn lessons the hard way. All you can do is be your same, consistent, no bs self....and know that at the end of the day, you've done your job and done it well. The rest will eventually work itself out. But I'm sorry that for you, you're going to have to just keep the fight up. I think I see part of the reason why he's your ex....

I wish you all the luck in the world. You're certainly doing the right thing here..I don't want you to doubt that for one second....

Thank you, I do doubt myself alot. His child support is $300./month for two teenagers, it's been that amount for 10 years (when he's paid it). I had recently taken steps to modify it & when he got notification that it would be going up he told the kids he would make them come and live with him no matter what a judge says because I was obviously unfit if I can't take care of them on that. He makes our children feel bad if they get involve with school activities such as cheerleading and basketball by saying "your cutting into my time" "how am I going to spend my weekends with you"? and gives them the guilt trip. My present husband (a wonderful loving man) takes my son hunting, fishing, they work on cars together, he plays basketball with him and is just all around a very supportive, doting step father....this inferiates my ex to the point he told my husband and my son he didn't want them spending any time together. I was crushed...the look on my son's face was devestating. my son admires my husband because he encourages him and teaches him and spends quality time with him. I think deep down that this incident really changed how my son feels about his dad. That is sad too. My ex tells me that I am so strict with our kids that when they are adults they won't have anything to do with me and more to do with him. I explained to him that we are not in competition with our children, our main focus right now should be taking care of the kids and meeting every need of thiers, and what they do as adults is thier choice. HE'S AN IDIOT...HE REALLY JUST DOESN'T GET IT~

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alex5298

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March 1, 2007, 2:35 pm PST

Am I Too Stricked and "Old Fashion"?

My step daughter just turned 18 last October. She is an honor roll student, she wasn't boy crazy and for the past 7 years was a very avid church going and devoted her life to christ. Well, she now has a boyfriend that is 20, her grades have dropped from 4.0 to 3.2. She has always made good decisions and called if she varies from her plans. She is still responsable that way and has held a job to support her auto expense. About six months ago she became sexually active and and her grades dropped. ( Partly because her demanding schedule between job and boyfriend) I have always rewarded her for good grades with money and have purchased her auto for her. Problem: Because her and her boyfriend work at the same place and he is responsable to close sometimes, she expects for me to allow him to stay in our guest bedroom? With my wifes permission and without my knowledge he has stayed at our house against my better judgement. This is against my morals and my wife does't see anything wrong with it. I don't feel like a good step dad because now they are all unhappy with me as I have put a "Stop" to it. Sorry! My house / My Rules? My wife attacks me with it is her house too and that is correct but does that mean "I Have No Say"? What do I Do? I even like my daughters boyfriend?

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ksp4evr

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March 1, 2007, 4:39 pm PST

worry wort

Im a single mom that is going to be getting married soon. My daughter loves the new man in my life, thats not a problem at all. Im am so worried about her safety at her biological fathers house on saturdays. There has been things that she has told us and things we have seen. We have taken the major steps to make sure she is safe in his home but nothing is working. Lawyers tell me i cant do anything, child services wont help. Im at my wits end, and i am so emotional about her going there, i make myself sick. I know in my heart something is not right call it a mothers intuition, and i dont know what else i can do for her.

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damamatigger

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March 2, 2007, 8:23 am PST

potty training

I am trying to potty train my 4 year old and getting frustrated. No problem going # 1 but I can't get #2 on the potty he just refuses to. I have tried time out, stickers and calling a friend who sounds like Pooh his favorite character but nothing is working. He will sit on the pot and acts like he is going and then tells us it not working but his peepee is. Help how can i fix this I am going back to work soon and I need to put him in day care.

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missy77

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March 2, 2007, 9:27 am PST

General Advice

Quote From: alex5298

My step daughter just turned 18 last October. She is an honor roll student, she wasn't boy crazy and for the past 7 years was a very avid church going and devoted her life to christ. Well, she now has a boyfriend that is 20, her grades have dropped from 4.0 to 3.2. She has always made good decisions and called if she varies from her plans. She is still responsable that way and has held a job to support her auto expense. About six months ago she became sexually active and and her grades dropped. ( Partly because her demanding schedule between job and boyfriend) I have always rewarded her for good grades with money and have purchased her auto for her. Problem: Because her and her boyfriend work at the same place and he is responsable to close sometimes, she expects for me to allow him to stay in our guest bedroom? With my wifes permission and without my knowledge he has stayed at our house against my better judgement. This is against my morals and my wife does't see anything wrong with it. I don't feel like a good step dad because now they are all unhappy with me as I have put a "Stop" to it. Sorry! My house / My Rules? My wife attacks me with it is her house too and that is correct but does that mean "I Have No Say"? What do I Do? I even like my daughters boyfriend?

She is 18, that's considered an adult, when I was 18 my dad didn't like my boyfriend sleeping over, so I moved out and in with my boyfriend.ha that's a lesson he learned! after 11 years, we are still together!

Instead of rewarding her with money now you can maybe tell her that if her grades go back up he can sleep over!

If it really is against your morals and really, really, really don't want to o.k. but sometimes, just sometimes things can change, she is 18 not 14, and as you stated she seems like a responsible ADULT!

I think you are just looking for people to tell you it is o.k., you don't seem so adament about it, you give yourself exucses like " I even like my daughters boyfriend" and "(partly because her demanding scheduale between job and boyfriend)" see, it is o.k to change our way,s!!!

good luck and let us know what happend!!

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jettav

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March 2, 2007, 2:42 pm PST

General Advice

Quote From: alex5298

My step daughter just turned 18 last October. She is an honor roll student, she wasn't boy crazy and for the past 7 years was a very avid church going and devoted her life to christ. Well, she now has a boyfriend that is 20, her grades have dropped from 4.0 to 3.2. She has always made good decisions and called if she varies from her plans. She is still responsable that way and has held a job to support her auto expense. About six months ago she became sexually active and and her grades dropped. ( Partly because her demanding schedule between job and boyfriend) I have always rewarded her for good grades with money and have purchased her auto for her. Problem: Because her and her boyfriend work at the same place and he is responsable to close sometimes, she expects for me to allow him to stay in our guest bedroom? With my wifes permission and without my knowledge he has stayed at our house against my better judgement. This is against my morals and my wife does't see anything wrong with it. I don't feel like a good step dad because now they are all unhappy with me as I have put a "Stop" to it. Sorry! My house / My Rules? My wife attacks me with it is her house too and that is correct but does that mean "I Have No Say"? What do I Do? I even like my daughters boyfriend?

It's your home, and your daughter knows the rules, she is an adult and she has choices to make, and she needs to respect those rules. As an adult, we may not like the rules, but we must abide them and respec tthe ones making those rules. You have set boundaries for your home, therefore, it's your right to keep within those boundaries. I do know people who lalow boy/girl friends to stay the night but they are not alloud to stay int eh same room, you can make this rule and tell them you expect them to abide by the house rules or it will not happen. It basically comes down to respect and just becasue she is an adult now, doesn't mean she should be aloud to break the rules. I do not allow single couples to share a room when they come to my home, I do not allow people to smoke in my home, I do not allow people to swear in my home, believe me, these things happen, I tell them politely, please do not use that language in our home, whatever the case, I expect to be respected within my own home, that's the way it is suppose to be.

ANd though I agree with you here, it is your home and all, she is your step daughter and to keep peace, you should probably allow your wife to take care of this, maybe compromise here but yet, demand thatyou are respected int he process of it all since it is your home as well and you and the wife need to be on the same page. Compromise is good for every one, just make it clear to them what the rules are and maybe have them sign a contract, wahtever. It's time that you daughter grows up and takes some responsiibility which would also include the rules of the home, you shouldn't have to bend the rules for any one.

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Topic : General Advice

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parenting with an ex husband

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