Topic : General Advice

Does anyone feel they are either underappreciated, or unappreciated as a parent?

 

I found this to be a good example to illustrate that feeling...

 

http://www.gocomics.com/hubertandabby/2008/03/15/

 

 

My son & his girlfriend are about to have a child. My problem is the girlfriend has a 7 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. The child lives with her grandparents. This child is disrespectful of her mother and everyone else. She doesn't mind anyone. To put it bluntly I don't like her. I know how horrible that sounds. My son has 2 daughters from a previous marriage that I adore. I also watch my grandaughtes cousin during the day. I love children I just don't like this one. Do I tell my son's girlfriend how I feel? I do not want to hurt her feelings as she is a lovely girl. I am afraid she will want me to watch her daughter this summer since she will have her then most likely while she works since I will be watching the baby and I simply do not want to.  I am not even very excited about having a new grandchild because of her child. I know y'all must think I am just horrible but surely someone out there has  met a child like this. What do I do?

 

Thanks

unhappy nana in IL

Living under the same roof will only serve to perpetuate the bad feelings and will make it difficult to get the distance and perspective required to heal the wounds.  Regardless of how convenient this arrangement may seem, and regardless of how easy it may be to paint this arrangement as "being the best for the children", it is not.  You both need the benefit of distance right now to sort through where events have taken you.  The last thing either of you need to be focused on at this moment is who the other may be having over for company.  There are much better options for both of you.

 

Take care

I am the step father of four ranging in age from 18-27.  My wife and I have a few differing views on raising kids which is to be expected. My biggest concern is the fact that none of the kids can make a decision without asking mom. Even the oldest who is in the military. Sometimes we will get half a dozen calls a day asking what he should do in a given situation or just to fill mom in on any and every event that has taken place that day, right down to what he had for dinner.  Unfortunately this seems to be a worsening situation with him. She knows that she needs to let go a bit and encourage him to begin making some of these decisions for himself, but when it comes down to actually doing it she can't seem to follow through. I guess I'm looking for suggestions as how to approach her and hopefully help her to be able to encourage him to begin to make some of these decisions for himself and to believe in himself a bit. I've made a few attempts at approaching the situation and it only results in her becoming very defensive of the situation even though dealing with this on a daily basis, by her own admission, wears her down a bit. We're both in our 50's and it would be nice to make it through just one day without a half a dozen crisis situations that are no more a crisis than deciding what to wear for the day.

If your wife is on board with changing the situation, and the crisis situations are truly as insignificant as you describe, then maybe the two of you can sit down together and come up with a solution.

 

I'd suggest giving really terrible, obviously bad advice.  Think about it...this could be really fun.

 

"Mom, what should I wear today?"

"How about shorts, black knee socks and some heavy boots?"

 

"I'm not sure what to have for dinner... I had chicken last night, and beef the night before."

"How about a chicken stuffed with beef?"

 

"I have class at noon today but I'm not sure when I should leave the house.  I have to take a shower as well.  What time should I get up?"

"Let me ask around.  I never was much for time management.  Your Uncle Morty was good with time...I'll send him a letter and see what he says.  I'll get back with an answer."

 

The reality is, if your wife wants to change this, it won't be as difficult as you or she might believe.

 

If she doesn't. well, I'm afraid to say what might happen if you try to get between a mother and her children.  Tread carefully.  If she comes to you you will know she's ready to find a solution.  Otherwise she may just be trying to keep you happy as well by addressing your concerns.

 

Do not know what to do or what to say to my daughter.  Just found out she is working at a topless barr as a bartender ( I do think she still wears her top) but the waitress do not.  This is not what i had in mind for my daughter, i cry just thinking about it.  The last year of her life she has just had a tumble...she had perfect credit and just quit paying her bills.  I do not know what to do, I love her but my standards and my opionion really just do not matter.  I have to see her in 2 days she does not know i know, but i am afaid i will start crying when i see her.  I just have no idea what to do, what to say.  To me this is just not right, truly depressing on my end.  Any advise??  Thanks in advance.

Do not do it

It is something no good mother would want for their child. Let her know how you feel but do it in a non-judgemental and non-controlling way. If she starts to get defensive then there's very little likelihood of actual progress. Try to be understanding not controlling and ask why she's doing what she's doing and go from there.

I wouldn't say a word about it.  If she needs your advice, she'll ask for it.  Otherwise, just enjoy your visit.  To say what she is doing doesn't meet you standards and is not how you intended for her to live her life is... well, pretty obvious.  You know it, she knows it... stop worrying about it.  Resist the urge to meddle.

Hi, I have a 2 1/2 year old baby girl, and I am looking for advice on how to deal with my husbands parents. They get overly jealous and mad at anything our daughter (their grandaughter) has to do with my parents, or anyone in my family for that matter. They are so competitive.

We live away from everyone, and his parents live in one town and my parents live in another. So an example is that we went camping near his parents and left our daughter with them for a few days. My sister also lives in their town. I told her to call them up to spend a day with our daughter (her neice). So she did, and they gave her such a hard time, didn't want to let her take her. That is her aunt for crying out loud.

Then we went camping again near my parents, and left her with them. His parents were so against us leaving her with them, they kept trying to come up with reasons why I shouldn't leave her there. Totally questioning their ability to watch her.

Another example is when we go to visit our families where my husbands parents are...we ALWAYS stay with them. But if I want to go visit with my family for a day, and take our daughter with me, it's a big deal. They want me to leave her there.

Also, my husbands father is always telling me what to do with MY daughter, and underminds me in front of her. One time being, I brought her in from outside, and she wanted back out, I said "No, it's your bedtime"...his father comes and opens the door, and says to my daughter "You go outside if you want to". They also broke EVERY rule I gave them for her, and I had such a fight on my hands with her afterward.

And now whenever we visit them, they just spoil her rotten, and make sure it is embedded into her head that they bought these things for her. Now she goes around saying, Nona and Papa bought this for me. Her bedroom nursery set for example...she would never have known that they bought that, but after the last time they visited, she now goes in there and says "I love my bed, Nona and Papa bought it for me". It's like they are trying to buy her love, and make her like them more for buying her more stuff. They are well off and can afford to buy more for her, but I am trying my hardest to teach her that this doesn't matter. But you know kids and whoever buys them more stuff...

My sister drew a beautiful picuture of our daughter and her son together (my nephew)...I was so proud of it, I sent it to everyone, and his family had nothing but bad things to say about it because it wasn't their family. Anything our daughter has to do with anything that isn't  their family, and anyone that isn't in their family is basically SH*T.

They treat my parents like crap. Say things to them and to me that are uncalled for.

And I'm starting to really resent them for it...I find myself pulling her away from them, not sending pictures anymore, not calling, nothing. I don't want to stop their relationship with their grandchild, but enough is enough. I have cut my ties with them, and in effect that will cut my daughters ties with them also.

I have told my husband to talk to them about this, but they just get so defensive, and offended....including my husband, because he thinks they can do no wrong either, and he also thinks that my family is SH*T. It runs in the family I guess.

His parents are so intrusive, overbearing, jealous, controlling...in everything we do. We are 30 and live a province away, It also has a big effect on how I feel about my husband, when he always takes their side.

 

Help! What can I do?