Topic : General Advice

You are right...teens must make their own choices...you just have to hope that they are good choices.  Having sex as a teen is a BAD choice...teens are not emotionally ready for it.

 

When I was a teen, my mom took the opportunity to talk to us while we were riding in the car...we were a captive audience...usually a private talk...she would invite just one of us at a time to go to the store, or run an errand with us...we always thought, "oh boy, here comes the lecture"...but actually, I really enjoyed the one-on-one time.  My mom told us all multiple times..."I don't want you having sex with your boyfriend until you are married.  If you choose to go against my wishes, please use a condom and foam, so you won't end up pregnant"...

 

We were never offered birth control pills as teens.  And we all managed to grow up without getting pregnant until after we were married.

 

You can't go out on the dates with your daughter...well, you could, but she probably wouldn't be asked out much...LOL  That is when it is up to her to make the right choices.  She has to have the courage and confidence in herself to say NO...if the boy won't "love" her without sex, then he's not worth having as a boyfriend...BUT sometimes, it is the girl pressuring the boy...you just never know...and you'd be surprised what can be done in the back seat of a car!!  Your daughter needs to know ahead of time "how far" she is willing to go...set limits on her behavior...and if the limits are about to be crossed, she has to be the one to stop it...

 

It is wonderful that you have such open communication with your daughter...you've done well...many teens will shut their parents out...

 

We have three boys...my husband has had "the talk" with them...same thing...take them for a drive, and privately talk...explain about making right choices...self-control...and condoms...on a regular basis...plus, I'm not afraid to talk to them either...but I think it is a little embarrassing for them to discuss "male" issues with MOM...they prefer to talk about that stuff with DAD.  We keep the conversations age-appropriate...our 10 year old is too young to know much about sex, beyond the mechanics of it...we have books to help explain that...and we gradually add more information, as they ask...

 

It's pretty hard for them NOT to ask, when erectile dysfunction pills are advertised during "family time" TV, and commercials say words like "semen", and talk about "periods"...our 10 year old picks up on all of it...and he is asking the questions...and he gets matter-of-fact answers...short and concise for now...he'll get "the talk" when he is ready.

 

I've probably written much more than you want to read...good luck with your daughter...I hope she makes the right choices from now on...

 

Becky

Becky (and anyone else reading)

 

It is never too much to read. Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had. Sometimes what I do is trial and error. Unfortunately, I grew up in a home where you don't talk about those things. If something sexual came up on a TV program, the channel was changed. And don't forget movie nights, when something came up on the VHS tape, they would grab the remote so quick to fast-forward.

 

When I had my daughter I made a decision to raise her different. My parents never knew where I was or what I was doing. I am lucky I had a conscious and that got me through those days and made me a very strong woman.

 

It is nice to hear from other women who can take a look from an outsiders perspective and help. Unfortunately I still cannot go to my mother with these issues. She is the same way as when I grew up, you don't talk about those things and also she doesn't want to hear it but she does have an easy time repeating it to others (gossips way too much).

 

Thanks for listening and taking the time to give me your thoughts.

My child is 3 1/2. Her father has been living overseas for the last 2 years. He visits about once/twice per year for a couple of weeks at a time. He brought his girlfriend with him during the last visit (in January). I didn't know he had a girlfriend and it was the first time our daughter met the girlfriend or seen her father with any woman other than myself. I let him take our daughter overnight after being in town visiting for a week or so. I later found out from our daughter that she slept in the same bed with her father and the girlfriend. I recently found out that he is getting married to the girlfriend this month and will again be in the area to visit. I moved a couple hours away and he wants to pick up our daughter and bring her to where I used to live to stay a few days with family there and have his wedding. He again says that our daughter will share a bed with him and his fiance, and will sleep in a room with a few other kids (that our daughter's never met) on his wedding night. I am not sure what to think about this. He disregards my concerns and refuses to discuss it with me. He never even introduced me to his fiance. He also told our daughter not to tell me the fiance's name or he "would be mad" she said. I a concerned about him taking her for so many consecutive days, and about the sleeping arrangement, along with him telling her to keep secrets. He also says that I won't be able to contact him or our daughter, but will instead need to contact his relative and have her relay any message (because his aunt, whom he is staying with, doesn't want me calling there).

I'd be worried too...your daughter is too old to be co-sleeping with a parent...sharing a room with other kids is just fine, but sharing a bed with her dad and his girlfriend seems inappropriate to me...is it just that they don't have a bed for her?  They could give her a futon mat and a sleeping bag on the floor in the living room...but certainly NOT in the same bedroom...and the secrets...I don't like the sound of that...it really puts your daughter in a difficult situation...if you suspect anything "wrong" going on when your daughter visits her dad, you could contact child services...but only if you think you have a valid reason.

 

It is my opinion that you have the right to meet the girl friend and know her name...and you NEED to be able to contact them when your daughter is with them....and they need to be able to contact you...I think that the aunt involved needs to grow up and let you call there for emergencies.

 

That's my two cents on the matter...good luck...Becky

I have a 4 year old daughter,she is in pre k 4.Today was her class picnic and she did not want to attend.I let her stay home with me and found out that there was a prize give away at school and my daughters name was picked to win a bike.Because she was not there they picked another name.I feel awful about this,and guilty for not making her go to school.I can buy her a bike,but I still feel terrible.Any advice?

I think that an "attendance required" prize in preschool is a bad idea...good grief!!  But, that was their choice...don't tell your daughter about her "lost opportunity"...she's probably too young to understand.  If you were planning on getting her a bike anyway, go ahead and get her one, and don't beat yourself up about it...they should have made it clear that there were prizes that required attendance in order to win.  So, drop the guilt and get on with life...things like that happen...

 

Becky

You are the strongest female role model that your child will ever have in her life. She is only 4 now, but as the years progress, you have to keep in mind that your choices/decisions are shaping the choices and decisions that she will make for herself later in life.
Allowing her to stay home because she didn’t want to attend the picnic seems innocent enough. It is understandable- as a parent, I might have made the same decision, too. But, because you are having feeling of guilt, I urge you to think about what you could have done differently and how to avoid these guilty feelings in the future. One thing you could have done differently is this: you could have offered to go with her. The action and effort that you put forth into getting her to go, to be social with her classmates, is important for her to witness. Or, you could have been matter-of-fact with her, stating that everyone is going, and that she’s going to have a great time, and be excited. Chances are that she would follow your lead. She is looking to you to give her limits and boundaries; it is never to early to begin creating and enforcing them. (fast forward ten years; your 14 year old doesn’t want to go to school; are you going to let her stay home with you because she wants to? She is going to expect it, if you keep this pattern going.)
As the other poster said, if possible, don’t tell your child about the bike she would have won if she went. There is no point in it.
We never stop learning. Every day is a learning experience, especially when it comes to parenting- I wish you the best!

Alarm bells are going off in my mind, so I imagine that they are loud and constant in your mind as well. This whole thing doesn’t seem right at all.
First, do you have full, legal custody? (It is important to note the legality of custody) Does he have court-ordered visitation rights? Or, do you and her father simply talk about when he will be around and then plan his visits? If there is no legal order in place, then you MUST listen to your instincts on this. Your child is too young; she should not be put in a situation where she might be uncomfortable, and it is highly inappropriate that her father is demanding that she keep secrets.
This is the basis of an unhealthy, toxic and dysfunctional father-daughter relationship.
When you tell your ex that your daughter can’t attend the wedding, don’t let him know that it is because of anything that your child has said. Keep it between you and him; letting him know that you are very uncomfortable knowing that you won’t be able to have contact with your child. This is because she is only three and a half years old. Kindly tell him that as she grows older, things will be different- but for now, she is little and needs you. If he is argumentative, force yourself to not engage in arguing. You want to resolve issues, not have them escalate. I wish you the best!

 I have a 22 year old daughter who had made several bad choices in the past.  And it cost me over $4000 to help get her out of the mess she was in.  I wanted to be a supportive Mom!  It seems this past year she has held down a job she likes although it doesn't pay enough nor does it have benefits such as insurance, etc.  She decided she wants to go to college but she cannot get a student loan without me co-signing.   I  want to trust her but my gut and family members are telling me not to do it.  I told her to just make any kind of payment to me each month such as $20, etc to help pay back the $4000 which I may get a check every 3 or 4 months.  And it's usually only because she is wanting something else from me.  I have not been helping her any extra this year like when she wants gas, etc.  Just once in a while I might  give her a gas card, just because I love her.  I really want to see her  go to college but I can see it now.  If she changes her mind and drops out I will be stuck with this bill.  Of course, she said she would sigh a contract to pay  if that happens.  I love my daughter dearly but so many times I WANT to trust her and she lets me down.  I don't know what to do here.  I do not want to be the one to keep her from college, but I don't want to be stuck with a $20,000 school bill.  How does a student loan work?  Is there a protection for the parents who want to help their child suceed?

I appreciate any advise.
Sandy

 I forgot to mention that I always told my daughter if she went to college and graduated I would pay half of her student loan.  I'm just worried about co-signing in case she doesn't complete school.