Quote From: jaimie1974What about your father; does he support your mothers enabling?
For the next seven weeks, do as much research as possible on what happens to teens when their parents enable/make excuses for them. The stories you will find are things like this: the teen goes out into the real world, breaks the law, and ends up in jail. Then they have a life-long criminal record, so they figure what the hell, and they continue to break the law over and over. In their mind, it is totally fine, because they were raised to think that they can justify their actions whether legal or not legal. But legally and to the rest of public, they will always be a criminal, someone who cant be trusted. When you find this kind of research, print it out and put it into a folder to present to your parents when you have your discussion with them.
Does your mother talk with Mary often in your home? It would probably be best to at least attempt to restrict phone calls, because if Mary is hearing from mom everyday that her actions are not her fault, etc., etc., then she is going to be more likely to make poor choices.
When you talk to them, always keep calm and reasonable. When your mother brings up excuses, address the excuses head on. The example of your sister doing fine for someone who is addicted to cigarettes is something to point out to her.
For the time being, be a good role model for your sister. When you talk with her, dont be judgmental. She needs a positive role model, and that is you. Someone who is an upstanding citizen and a good mother, who is productive in their life. That is what you want for your sister, but she also has to want that.
Do you think that having your sister stay at your home and go to school there would be an option? She would end up having a better life in the long run; do you think she would be open to that?
I am not sure my mom tells my father everything that goes on. I called my mom the day we found that website she was visiting and emailed her the link with the password to get into it so she and my dad could see what Mary was doing online. Two days later I called to talk to my mom and ask her what her thoughts were on this and she ended up not being home, so I asked my dad. Well- my mom didn't even tell my dad about the page! I let him know everything that was on there and he was very concerned. He then went on to tell me that my mom likes to hide things from him when it comes to the kids. He told me that everytime he goes to get on one of the kid's case about something my mom always makes excuses for them. This is very sad. These are not the same parents I grew up with. We have 10 kids total in our family (yours,mine, and ours), so you can imagine it was a little hectic at times, but I will tell you they (my parents) had a handle on every kid. They knew where we were, who we were with, and what exactly we were doing. When we got in trouble we had punishments. When I was 14 I got caught shoplifing with a friend. I had to pay ALL of the court costs out of my own money that I had been saving for 2 years, I was put on probation for 1 year, and I remember I was grounded for a really long time, plus I wasn't able to hang out with that friend anymore. I learned my lesson the hard way but they were right there to guide me.
The day that we found out and confonted Mary about that page was a huge groundbreaking day for us. My husband was really pissed off about it and we talked. He wanted to send her home because he didn't feel comfortable having her in the house watching our children. I talked him out of that and we decided that if we sent her home then nothing was going to change for her. We then went into her room where she was crying and had a really great talk with her. We told her that she is worth so much more than that. She is beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing. Everytime we gave her a compliment she cried harder. She has no self esteem, no self worth. It broke my heart. Then my husband told her that the last thing he wants to see is her get raped and possibly killed by some guy she met over the internet. That really put it into prospective for her, the fact that she has no idea who she is talking to and giving her info out to. We both gave her a hug and told her we loved her. Since then she has opened up even more to us. I let her know that I will be here for her no matter what and that after she goes home she can call me and talk to me about anything.
My mom has only taled to Mary 2 times since she's been here. I agree with you 100% about limiting the time they talk. On the other hand my husband had Mary call dad the other night to tell him herself about the page. They talked for about 1/2 hour. I told Mary that our dad is a really cool guy when you get to know him. She will find out that he has been there and done that and can relate. Mary and I agreed that she and Dad should start calling eachother twice a week. The way I see it is if they start working on a relationship together now while she is out at our house then by the time she goes back they have the seed planted already. I also think that having a realtionship with my dad will allow her to respect him more and open up to him.
Having her at my house can only be good for her. My family is very loving, we take care of eachother. We have goats, pigs, dogs and cats that we have to take care of. On top of all that she can see how my husband and I get along and respect eachother and treat our children and use us maybe as role models as to how a realtionship is supposed to be (we are not perfect, but we try).
As for her staying for the school year, we will have to see how these 7 weeks pan out. That is something I think we could consider.
I am going to take the advise you gave me and start researching. I might also suggest a book by Dr.Phil that has to do with bridging the gap for parents and teens. Mary is reading a book by his son for teens right now.
Thanks for replying, and sorry for the long posts.
