Topic : General Advice

I need help everyone.  My mother died last year.  She was on the bus that exploded just south of Dallas trying to escape hurricane Rita.  My mother suffered from brain cancer and was very ill at the time of the explosion.  In fact, we had recently made the difficult decision to place her in hospice care.  We used to take my daughter to Houston atleast once a month to see her grandmother.  Sometimes my mom would be home, sometimes should be would in a nursing home, and sometimes she would be in the hospital.   But it made my mom happy to visit, so we went there as often as possible. 

Now, 3 weeks after my mother passed away, I gave birth to another baby girl.  Of course, my husband brought our daughter to the hospital to see me and her new sister.  We thought everything was ok.  She was so excited to see her sister and be a big sister, and we thought we handled my mother's death with her well and she seemed ok.  But a few weeks ago I had the flu and it came out that she was associating me being in the hospital with seeing her grandmother in the hospital.   She kept asking who made me sick and when I would be ok.  Since then, she has been very clingy to me, even wanting me to sleep with her, which she never wanted before.  In fact, prior to this, she has always been a daddy's girl and had very little use for me if he was available.  

Any ideas on what I can do to assure her that I'm not going anywhere?  I am really concerned about this. 

Thanks! 

As an 18 year old female who is taking an extra year of highschool, I have had 2 long term jobs throughout my highschool experience as well as small paper routes as a young child. My goal after highschool is to be able to move out and continue being in school (college). My problem is I have no money saved due to the fact that my parents have not for the 5 years of my highschool ever paid for things I needed the most. These are some of the "things" I have not received which are necessities needed toiletries such as toothpastes, dove soap for sensitive skin, tampons, the list goes on. When I completed my drivers permit, a year later my parents gave me a car not to keep but to have to drive myself to work and school etc. Since the car is 10 years old it began to break down. Parents said if I really want the car I must pay for everything including gas, insurance, oil changes, new brakes, alignment, and any other fees. Understanding that after I go off to school my parents will repay me for any break downs. But this doesn't help when I have to pay for everything else I need. After paying bills I have to off and still having to get extra things fixed in the car my expenses are doubling how much I make in 2 weeks. Working less than 20 hours a week and making a little over the min. wage, I still cannot keep up with the bills. Even if I resolved this by giving the van back to my parents I will be struck for rides. See my parents would give me rides but will continue to complain about how much gas and time it takes so that I can get to work to pay off expenses they should be helping me out with. This now brings me to the fact that now after I have managed to pay everything off I have nothing saved for post secondary school (college). I don’t believe I will be able to pay for school and when confronting my parents about this they apologize and say that they will not be able to afford for me to go to school. This may sound crazy but even if I apply for a student loan I will not be qualified due to the fact my parents do make too much money for myself to qualify. This sounds ridiculous because here they are saying they can’t help me pay for it but meanwhile my father can afford a $4000 DLP television and my mother can afford getting laser hair removal. Hmm is something wrong here? For Christmas I know even asking for one thing which was wanting them to pay for 3 months of car insurance was too much for them. In stead 5 days before Christmas my car brakes went as I was driving. This landed me taking my car to get fixed. Also was found I needed to replace the old tires with new ones which I could not afford because the brakes cost me a good $500. My parents compromised and said they would get me new tires for Christmas. Then I find out one tire is still good for the next month and was not replaced because of it. So for Christmas I received not 4 but 3 brand new tires. Now when this was all done and I got to go pick up the van, my mother also tells me she will not be paying for the alignment that I will have to go pick up my van and pay for this. WOW after paying for everything else knowing my small budget I had for Christmas I knew I wouldn't be able to pay for it. This made me have to ask my boyfriend to loan me some cash until I got paid the next day. I could not go and tell my parents that I could not afford this because it would be another whole story of why not, and me explaining because they don’t pay for anything. A couple months ago when I had a quiet conversation about how my best friends were going away and seeing how much their parents told them to give them a list of things they needed to gave when away at school. When I explained this to my mother she looked at me and said sorry hunnie I don’t think we will be able to pay for anything. She continued to talk about how she thinks I should stay back a year again to save money. If my mother is willing to have me still living in the home why is it that she is showing me the complete opposite of what parenting is all about. That night my father and me got in an argument about it and he told me I was spoiled. I am spoiled because I know what it is to be responsible and to take care and pay for everything I need. I am confused. Being an extraordinary teenager that I am my way obviously of being able to express my thoughts is the same way any other teenager would express their feelings. This is how they believe I am disrespectful towards them, yes I know but this is something I have to fix and something they should deal with.  When I had to get my wisdom teeth consultation I knew it would cost a lot but because my mother has 80% coverage it wouldn’t be too much. In the end I believe it will cost my parents about $300 after the coverage. When my father told my mother this under her breath I heard does she really have to get pulled out. My father replied yes because infections may appear in the couple years. My mother just looked down and said well I guess you will have to. My own mother thought getting my teeth pulled was too much money for her handle or what?? I am exhausted of trying to talk to my parents telling them how I feel I have felt with no option but to either move in with my aunt who understands how my parents are or just to deal with them until this fall when I go away to school. I am afraid to ask my parents for help because it ends up being a huge deal and being look down upon that I cannot deal with it on my own. The funny thing is that this seems like the only way I can express my feelings about this to the public and be able to figure out what to do after asking friends and family even managers at work how I should deal with this nonsense. Everyone believes this is messed up, but there is nothing that can be done. Maybe counseling but what will that do I don’t believe much. My parents would say well I’m paying for someone to tell me my daughter is messed up and thinks we raise her differently than others. What do I do? I need some help to get me out of this huge mess.

 I know this is a long message and I apologize. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for your time.

I don't think you can or should assure your daughter that you aren't going anywhere. The frank reality is that people she loves will die.  You probably even hope that you will die before she does-not now but someday. 

My kids have gone through similar stages. I have a chronic illness and I have been on my deathbed more than once. There are some things I have done that seemed to help my children cope with this: 

1. I am always willing to talk about it and answer their questions.  I never hide or lie about  the scary stuff.
2. I let them cling when they want (enjoy it-it doesn't last long).
3. I let them sleep with me when they want.
4. I cling right back at them :).

It is important to acknowledge that we could all lose each other at any time.  That fact helps us focus on what is important and enrich the time we do have together.  That is the lesson I want my children to learn and hopefully, when they do lose me, they will have no regrets. 

As an 18 year old female who is taking an extra year of highschool, I have had 2 long term jobs throughout my highschool experience as well as small paper routes as a young child. My goal after highschool is to be able to move out and continue being in school (college). My problem is I have no money saved due to the fact that my parents have not for the 5 years of my highschool ever paid for things I needed the most. These are some of the "things" I have not received which are necessities needed toiletries such as toothpastes, dove soap for sensitive skin, tampons, the list goes on. When I completed my drivers permit, a year later my parents gave me a car not to keep but to have to drive myself to work and school etc. Since the car is 10 years old it began to break down. Parents said if I really want the car I must pay for everything including gas, insurance, oil changes, new brakes, alignment, and any other fees. Understanding that after I go off to school my parents will repay me for any break downs. But this doesn't help when I have to pay for everything else I need. After paying bills I have to off and still having to get extra things fixed in the car my expenses are doubling how much I make in 2 weeks. Working less than 20 hours a week and making a little over the min. wage, I still cannot keep up with the bills. Even if I resolved this by giving the van back to my parents I will be struck for rides. See my parents would give me rides but will continue to complain about how much gas and time it takes so that I can get to work to pay off expenses they should be helping me out with. This now brings me to the fact that now after I have managed to pay everything off I have nothing saved for post secondary school (college). I don’t believe I will be able to pay for school and when confronting my parents about this they apologize and say that they will not be able to afford for me to go to school. This may sound crazy but even if I apply for a student loan I will not be qualified due to the fact my parents do make too much money for myself to qualify. This sounds ridiculous because here they are saying they can’t help me pay for it but meanwhile my father can afford a $4000 DLP television and my mother can afford getting laser hair removal. Hmm is something wrong here? For Christmas I know even asking for one thing which was wanting them to pay for 3 months of car insurance was too much for them. In stead 5 days before Christmas my car brakes went as I was driving. This landed me taking my car to get fixed. Also was found I needed to replace the old tires with new ones which I could not afford because the brakes cost me a good $500. My parents compromised and said they would get me new tires for Christmas. Then I find out one tire is still good for the next month and was not replaced because of it. So for Christmas I received not 4 but 3 brand new tires. Now when this was all done and I got to go pick up the van, my mother also tells me she will not be paying for the alignment that I will have to go pick up my van and pay for this. WOW after paying for everything else knowing my small budget I had for Christmas I knew I wouldn't be able to pay for it. This made me have to ask my boyfriend to loan me some cash until I got paid the next day. I could not go and tell my parents that I could not afford this because it would be another whole story of why not, and me explaining because they don’t pay for anything. A couple months ago when I had a quiet conversation about how my best friends were going away and seeing how much their parents told them to give them a list of things they needed to gave when away at school. When I explained this to my mother she looked at me and said sorry hunnie I don’t think we will be able to pay for anything. She continued to talk about how she thinks I should stay back a year again to save money. If my mother is willing to have me still living in the home why is it that she is showing me the complete opposite of what parenting is all about. That night my father and me got in an argument about it and he told me I was spoiled. I am spoiled because I know what it is to be responsible and to take care and pay for everything I need. I am confused. Being an extraordinary teenager that I am my way obviously of being able to express my thoughts is the same way any other teenager would express their feelings. This is how they believe I am disrespectful towards them, yes I know but this is something I have to fix and something they should deal with.  When I had to get my wisdom teeth consultation I knew it would cost a lot but because my mother has 80% coverage it wouldn’t be too much. In the end I believe it will cost my parents about $300 after the coverage. When my father told my mother this under her breath I heard does she really have to get pulled out. My father replied yes because infections may appear in the couple years. My mother just looked down and said well I guess you will have to. My own mother thought getting my teeth pulled was too much money for her handle or what?? I am exhausted of trying to talk to my parents telling them how I feel I have felt with no option but to either move in with my aunt who understands how my parents are or just to deal with them until this fall when I go away to school. I am afraid to ask my parents for help because it ends up being a huge deal and being look down upon that I cannot deal with it on my own. The funny thing is that this seems like the only way I can express my feelings about this to the public and be able to figure out what to do after asking friends and family even managers at work how I should deal with this nonsense. Everyone believes this is messed up, but there is nothing that can be done. Maybe counseling but what will that do I don’t believe much. My parents would say well I’m paying for someone to tell me my daughter is messed up and thinks we raise her differently than others. What do I do? I need some help to get me out of this huge mess.

 I know this is a long message and I apologize. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for your time.