I'm not sure where to ask for this advice, I can't find a single place where i can :( So i thought it might be in "general advice" here goes......
Hi, I'm a father of 2 and I do have a post in this thread way down in the may 2005 I think.
Well I need some single mother’s advice because it is your prospective I need more than anyone else's
My eldest child is almost 4, Me and the mother has never dated etc, the past I think is irrelevant except that the mother made me feel like I had no rights and was not apart of my daughters life, She met a guy when she was 5 months pregnant with my child and he became "dad" and they both told me he was taking all roles as the father and I would be called by my Christian name. I was not happy about this but naive as I was thought I couldn’t stop any of this, so I slinked off into the background, the mother occasionally emailed me asking me or telling me to go over to see our daughter but she never ever was polite about it, she was always seeming abusive, like she never really wanted me there but out of a sense of duty she had to ask, She did send me emails with photo's of our little girl and told me updates. I saw my daughter when she was 8 months old, the mother and her fiancé brought her over to my state, I felt so many emotions she was/is beautiful and she is my little girl, I made a plan there and then to be IN her life as much as possible but I slowly became withdrawn again when the mother and fiancé returned back to their state, Well at the end of 2003 (my daughter was 21 months old) I started calling my daughter on the phone, I also told the mother that I had another child on the way that he/she would be born the following year. She became even weirder, first she was very cold towards me, then her and her fiancé split up and she became very friendly, she even asked our daughter while I was on the phone if she wanted to start calling me dad, I got off the phone floating...the next time I called the mother referred to me as my name and I asked her after I got off the phone, what happened to being called "dad" she abused me and told me I would not be called dad until I went over there for our daughters birthday. I was not happy and we ended up arguing, Well I found out her and fiancé were back together, she caused many arguments with my sons mother, and then once my sons mother and I argued and we almost lost the friendship my daughters mother became very friendly with me...Ok cutting it short. After I went to her state to see our daughter the mother told me she had feelings for me, so we fooled around, the next day I went home and she blackmailed me, either I told my sons mother or she would (me and my sons mother were not together) so I told her, cutting it shorter we had a small "affair" again from April till October 2004. in this time I spent in the April 7 days with my daughter (I stayed with the mother and my daughter) the August I spent 11 days in a holiday cabin with my daughter and took her out on my own several times, I babysat my daughter and her sister also and no problems. In January 2005, I spent 7 days with my daughter and her mother again, and I spent time alone with my daughter, the whole time my daughter was with me alone she enjoyed it and she had no problems with not having her mother there. Everything went bad in April 2005, the mother told me I could not see my daughter on my own (I told her I wanted nothing to do with her after lying to my sons mother in the Feb.) she told me also that if I did not pay $100 for the trip I would not see my daughter much. Well I saw her once, at this point. I asked for contact orders.
Ok this is where I need you lovely ladies advice and opinion
I have asked for my daughter to have contact with me in my state... but for it to be gradual, so for the first 2 years I fly over to her state for 2 weeks (1 week each) and have 1 overnight increased per 7 days of contact and the non-overnight nights I have her for the day only. And then once overnight contact has been established for the full 7 days, spend 1 week in her state and then change it so she has full contact in my state with me and her half brother, She will also be coming in October to my state for two weeks (so it would be 2 weeks in her state and 2 weeks in my state before the full contact is established)
She would be 6 and a half when the first full contact starts in my state, I am asking also that when my daughter turns almost 8 that she starts spending alternative Christmas/birthdays with me. so it would be 7 times a year in my state, I understand that she will want me in her state for things, And I thought that adding 1 "extra" week of contact when ever my daughter wants me in her state as she grows up, it doesn’t mean I have her overnight just means I get to watch her sports games or school things I can also fly out for a weekend.
the reason I’m asking for it to be in my state is because to fly out there for 2 weeks a year 2 times a year or even once for 2 weeks it's going to cost me $1500AU dollars each contact, with flight fares, accommodation food etc and I haven't got that much money, I also want to spend more time with my daughter and My daughter has expressed that she wanted to play with her half-brother whom I could not take with me because I couldn’t afford it.
the mother is disagreeing saying, my daughters life is in her state, I should be going there to be in my daughters life, not my daughter in my life, she said if my daughter wants to see my son I should take him with me. I have expressed my financial problem and she said she couldn't careless. She has offered me her place of residence to stay, I have expressed that me and her will never be and that I don't want my daughter to start believing that her mummy and daddy might get back together, also I have in love with my sons mother who has been my friend for 6 years now and I know that she would be a problem with her if we ever do get together (I haven’t told her my feelings yet) at that point also I will have to provide for her, my son, my stepdaughter and myself. The mother has offered me her place to stay and she won’t be there, I have two problems with that. I don’t want to push her out of her own home and her youngest child too, it’s not fair. 2) It is still not good for my daughter, because she will never get use to me and staying somewhere else, she will always be in the security of HER MUMS home.
The other offer was to stay at her parent’s house, I don’t want to do that because I would feel I am entrapped to do as the mother wants due to it being her parents and again with my daughter it would cause the same security problems. I am reluctant to spend the next 12 years or until my daughter speaks out, in a hotel with her..... It is not fair or in the best interest of my daughter especially when there is my home back in my state where she will have her own room, toys, books etc and her half-brother. I feel that she might also feel like she is a separate part of my life except in the October when she fly’s out with her mum to my state.
This is what the mother is asking for.
That I go to her state in the January and July, that she comes to my state in the October for 2 weeks but I am to return my daughter to her while I work, and not (if I do get together to my sons mother) my sons mother. This would leave me with a few hours of contact and no overnight contact. She wants me to fly every second Christmas to her state and stay in a hotel or her home with my daughter and same with my daughter’s birthday. I feel sorry for my daughter for her Christmas she will have gone from a family for Christmas to just her father, a family birthday party to just her father in a hotel.
Am I requesting something horrible or something that is common? Any help would be appreciated. I might have missed out stuff but this is getting so long!
