Topic : General Advice

I need some to know how to most constructively help an acquaintence with her children.  Her oldest is in 2nd grade with one of my children.  He is  wildly out of control.  I've come to find out that it has been recommended that she get a neuro-psych evaluation for him which would explain SO many things.  When I spoke with her about it she agreed that this was a good idea but evidently things like this have been suggested before and she doesn't follow through.  She is a single mom who just seems really overwhelmed.  She also has a younger son that also seems to have the same out of control behavior of his older brother.  She is in desperate need of help raising them but as I've gotten to know her I have a feeling that there may be some psychological issues with her as well.  How do I help her the most?  There is an anger now in her son that wasn't there at the beginning of the school year and I fear that his future success in life is greatly limited without getting the help that this family needs.  Is there anything I can do beyond suggest things and pray for the best? 

Your children are going to be very close in age, and hopefully they will be very close friends, it will be very cute!! When I was pregnant with our second child, what we did was this: we got a doll for our oldest and about a month before the new baby was born, we talked to her about how the new baby would need mommy and daddy's attention, etc., and we taught her how to hold her doll in the way that you would hold a real baby. She carried the doll everywhere, it was so cute! When our second child was born, when I would nurse her, my older daughter would also get her doll and sit next to me and pretend "nurse" her baby. When I changed the baby, she would change her baby doll. I think the doll was like a guide into real life with a baby, it worked very well for us. I got this idea from another mom who did this with her son.. yes, she got a doll for her son-- there isn't anything wrong with it! It is a learning tool to teach compassion and special, gentle love for their new sibling. I don't know if this would work with your son, because he is so  young he probably won't understand the whole concept, what will happen is he will just accept the new baby as his reality and "normal" for himself. I wish you the very best! Don't worry, you will be a great mom!  

Your friend already knows that her children have needs. Although she is overwhemed, its not an excuse to not fullfill her children's needs! Its a form of neglect. I know that it must be difficult to sit by and see this happen to her children, because they don't deserve this; they deserve to be evaluated and to be helped with their needs. If a child has problems controling impulses, its very harmful to not address that issue because as life progresses, the child will end up in trouble and perhaps even in jail.  

All that being said... it sounds as though there isn't anything you can do. Do you know if it was the school system that recommended that her son have neuro-psych testing? I agree that it sounds as though she also has psychological issues of her own, and that is leading to her neglecting the children's needs. Its such a shame!! My advice is to keep suggesting that she get help for herself and for her children. Give her names and phone numbers, keep offering suggestions to help. If possible, talk to her about how important it is to have her children diagnosed as early as possible. If she is depressed or has other issues, she might be scared that if she has her kids evaluated, her own parenting skills will be attacked, so she isn't having them tested as a form of self preservation... if you suspect this is the case, gently assure her that professionals are there to help her children grow into productive adults, they aren't there to judge. You can't carry any guilt over this mother's decisions/lack of decisions, okay? She is the only one who can do anything about her problems.  

Hugging is just like all other behaviour-it has a time and a place where it is appropriate and a time and a place where it is inappropriate.  You have a job to educate your child about those boundaries so he doesn't get into trouble, embarrassed or upset another child. 

You sound like you know that his behaviour goes beyond the realm of appropriate.You wouldn't let your child sing nursery rhymes in church, would you?  Why let him behave inappropriately with hugs? 

I let my daughter be the baby soother. It was funny, but when she saw him right after birth (he was naked being weighed) he stopped crying instantly when he heard her voice.  She had been talking to my tummy while I was carrying him and I'm sure he recognised her : ) that was our story anyway.  I bought her two puppets that rattled and she would put them on her hands and distract him when he was fussy.  When he was older I let her feed him pablum too. 

I did it more to give her a role as big sister...but frankly-she did a pretty good job of it. 

I'm a 33-year old mother of four (aged 15, 7 & 20-month old twins) living with my common-law husband. He and I have been living together since March 2003, but we'd been dating eachother since the spring of 2001. It is with him that I had the twins. =0) 

Prior to getting a residence my partner and I could share, I had been living with my daughters (two at that time) and my mother. At the time I'd been working part-time, going to college and successfully raising two daughters to be strong, smart and healthy young ladies in this world... as a single-mom.  

My mother and I have found ourselves at odds many times with regards to parenting. I'm partial to the methods of Barbara Coloroso and Dr. Phil (maintaining dignity, ownership and natural consequenses...), while my mother would scream and yell, then placate the girls by buying things or giving them chips/chocolate/sweets. I didn't want to yell and rave (what I grew up with) at my children, and I knew I'd stayed with my girls for too long in an unhealthy situation. I'd spent time reading BC's (before I'd read "Family First") books to change/improve my parenting tools/methods and decided to leave my mother's house as soon as something suitable would be available. I admit I was scared to be a single-mum of two, working part-time, going to college and leaving the financial security of my mother's house (I paid toward rent, covered the cable/internet bill and telephone bill as well as half the groceries, but the rest mom covered), and was nervous about being on my own.  

I had applied to a subsidized housing company, but had location requirements I wanted to keep so my girls could go to their existing schools and I could attend college, all within walking/bus distance. It took almost 2 years for a residence to open for us, but it was good timing. 

My mother was very angry about the move, but we did ultimately leave and have been out since. 

I know this has been a long post, and I felt it was important to lend some background before getting to the meat of my confusion. If you've reached this point, I thank you for your patience. 

To make a long story slightly longer, I don't know what to do about my mother. It seems like she behaves like a divorced partner rather than my mother, and has told the girls on many occassions that she'll "always be the good guy, no matter what." The no matter what part means doing things my husband and I have expressed and explained reasons not to do (fast food daily, junk food daily, etc). 

My mother loves the girls very much, and wants to help. She takes my 7-year old to school in the mornings and brings her home after school. For a while she'd take the girls to McD's or Wendy's "because they were starving" she'd say. I would say "the girls need to come home and eat, and are probably just really thirsty, rather than hungry." We'd begin with the economics of going to fast-food and didn't want her to waste her money on junk. Then we'd get into the health concerns of fast-food, and used examples to explain just how unhealthy it was. Then we picked up gift cards and certificates from Starbucks (yes, I'd rather the girls had a cup of java or a Frappaccino over a burger) and Booster Juice in case the girls were thirsty "for a treat" right after school or something. 

She wasn't happy about being asked to stop going for junk-food. In fact, she keeps stuff in her car for the girls, and say "It's ok for you to have it. I say you can. Just don't tell your mom." My 7-year old told me this, and my 15-year old corroborated it.  

It bothers me that the children are pitted in the middle, and it hurts that my mother would behave so immaturely and infantile.  

I don't know what to do, and would love some suggestions. Maybe I'll write more later... probably tomorrow. The twins are up. =0) 

Denise 

www.cuddlebugz.ca 

My son wet the bed for a looong time...into the pre-teen years.  I had him tested, and apparently the nerves to his bladder were immature and not signalling him that it was full.  It's a humiliating test, and I would not recommend it.   Rest assured, he did finally grow out of it.  Sleep overs, hotel stays, etc. were frustrating.  He brought his own sleeping bag, so he could roll it up in the a.m. and no one was the wiser. 

All the tricks we tried were done in vain, and only disrupted our sleep.   

It finally went away... gradually.  I just wanted you to know that it will go away.  Keep your washing machine in good working order, it'll be your best friend against the stench! 

I know your problems with the school well.  I have often thought about sending my son to a boot camp.  I sent my son to the Alternative High School.  What a difference!  They just do things a little different, and their attitude is different.  This has changed my constant F student into a B student.  And the constant getting into trouble has stopped too!  This is a public school, so there is no tuition.  However, you do have to apply and meet certain criteria.  And you may have to drive him there and pick him up. 

I would try this.  It might boost his esteem.  Our conversations with the teachers went from "I don't know what to do with this kid" to "What a pleasure to have around".  Music to a mothers ears!