Topic : General Advice

the real reason for staying is because we have been to the courts already before and of course his parents were involved and the judge saw fit to let my kids be with my husband and his messed up family instead of me because i didn't have a job . i'm scared that if we go back it's going to happen again and i can't stand the thought of them being raised by him and his family . i guess the best thing for me to do is to move in with my parents but he would have a court order to get them so fast like last time. so what do u think? i don't have anyone to help me and there is no way i can afford the cost of daycare. i can't stand the thought of not hav 

iing my children. 

1st thing is to document, document, document absolutely every incident.  Tape record or audio record when you can.  Get yourself and the kids in counseling for sure.  The more witnesses and professionals involved for the children's safety, the better chance you have for ensuring custody.  Speak with local womens' crisis center for all resources your area has to offer.

I would also insist on marriage counseling as well as with that have him see a forensic psychologist as all of this can be used in courts for testimony.  If the abuse can be verified, you can file a restraining order on the kids' behalf.

You may want to look back the past couple pages to read my previous posts written to you & Judy to give you more insight.  If leaving the situation at this moment is not in your children's best interest and if you are able to handle the situation much more closely, then you may need to stay until you have enough documentation to ensure custody for the safety of your kids.  Your older kids are almost old enough to be able to testify as well.

If you do leave, make sure you get an attorney because the judge should not be basing custody issues on who's employed or not.  Child support and alimony would be looking at the financial welfare of the family.  You can contact legal aide for an attorney dealing with custody and domestic violence.  You may also want to look at child care assistance at your county as it's income based as long as it's for the need of working and/or going to school.

whats biological parent got to with anything? i can't disagree more. so are you saying people who adopt shudnt discipline their children? are you only allowed to discipline if you are biologically related? what about teachers?

My son is a very confident 11 year old. But over the past 2 years he has developed some odd habits. I have found that when he gets nervous about something  or even plain bored, he will do it (the habit).  I have found that if you just leave him alone, it will eventually pass. My  son wouldn't even realize that he was doing it, until I asked him to stop. And then I felt that I was embarrassing him.  And then all you're doing is reminding him about it and there they are, doing it again! Your child will stop when he is good and ready, or until another habit takes its place. It's there way of  feeling secure.  My other son can't stop cracking his knuckles! My knephew constantly fake coughs!  It's a habit! Hopes this helps knowing it's not uncommon!

Smile-I used the phrase "biological parent" to distinguish between that parent and the stepparent.  There are not similar issues with adoptive parents or teachers.   

  

Blended families work better when the step parent doesn't try to become the disciplinarian of a stepchild.  Stepchildren don't accept discipline well from their stepparents (especially with older stepchildren) and often the biological parent can feel resentment over the stepparent's discipline and become protective of the child (especially with young children). Blended families are a tricky thing to manage and I have seen more than a few fall apart over this one issue. 

So you reconciled in order to be in the home with your kids after a court gave custody to this abuser? Honey, you are one tough, brave mom! You have my respect for that sacrifice. 

  

Protect your kids as much as possible while you all live together and make sure that their school counselor sees them regularly and document it all.  Try to help them see the abuse as being something their dad does and not about them. Then,  make your plans.  Find a job or get training to become self sufficient, save a small nest egg and then make your move to your parent's home. 

  

Good luck! Come back and tell us how things are working. 

can someone help me out ,,,,ok april 25 th ,2006  well here it is my 12 yr old son sprained his ankle about 2 weeks earlier he  was hoping down the street on his foot which was healing so his p.t. told him to using  it get it back in shape ,well he was skippin on it coming down the street well my ex husband (his father) said to him looks like your (bad word) fine ,your out goofing off like as if nothing was wrong with you ,and brandon got upset cause he took it that his dad was calling him a faker ,well his dad yelled at him told him to come here ,well brandon said no he came to me and told me with tears in his eyes that he is tired of his dad calling him a faker so all i know is next thing he grabs my son throws him into a garage now my ex is 6'1 300 lbs my son is only 5'4 105 lbs his father was yelling at him i thought that was all he was doing hear after he let him go my son was holding his throat i asked him if he was alrite i didnt know he had him by the throat i thought he was only yelling at him he blocked the view where i couldnt see ,my other sons told me after it happened that he did indeed have him by the throat i said why didnt you tell me i would have got him off him ,well after he left i took my son into the house and all the sudden my son is holding his throat and couldnt breathe well of course i was crying and screamin for my bf he took him to the sink told him to breath and all the sudden he started coughing up blood well i took him to the doctor ,his father bruised his whole throat,well i called the fathers gf.to tell her what he had done to our son well she said every father does that to there children i said well there father isnt to touch them she was justifying what he did cause he puts her son in place.well now he stopped my support it was volunteer it wasnt alot of money and i know that is my  fault the reason i never sued is because i am afraid of him he was abusive when i was married to him....ok now that he did that to his son ,my sons wont go to see him anymore ,i am afraid the courts will make me send them over there,if i sue. i dont want my sons with someone who thinks he did no wrong,and i am scared he will do it again.does anyone know what i can do to protect my kids? advice

Our 10 year old son has ADD, and a worsening problem with showing respect for others.  He needs immediate consequences for his disrespectful behaviour, since he doesn't seem to "get" grounding or loss of priviledges.  Does anyone have any positive ways to motivate change for him?  I don't want to resort to physical discipline.

  

I am concerned about my 13 year old step son and his maturity level and the fact that it is way below where it should be. I need suggestions and advice about what we can do as a blended family to help him act his age.   

  

We share custody one week here and one week there. I think that is the best scenario for the kids. This has been going on for a little over 4 years. It is like he is stuck at the age when the divorce took place.  I am more worried than usual because school is getting ready to be out and his older brother (who is usually home with him)is driving now and will be working and doing things not at home so there is a lot of times he is going to be by himself. What are some ideas to help him grow ,mature, and become more responsible. This year he went from the honor role to a couple of D's and F's. Help! 

Phone the police and the department of children's services. Be assertive and don't let them brush you off.  Have the father charged with assault and that conviction will help you ensure that access is supervised or controlled to protect your children.