Quote From: lshooshaniMy name is Laleh Shooshani, and I have a son who recently turned 23. I have three kids, and he is my oldest. He is a wonderful young man, and has always been the most brilliant child I have ever seen. My son was always a responsible, well-mannered, and dedicated young man. I remember his teachers always telling me how he does well in school, and helps others who need that extra help. He has always been involved in the community, and different organizations. When he turned 18 years old and was accepted to the University of Southern California, I was confident that I raised a mature, and responsible young man. My husband and I were so proud of him, and we were proud of ourselves.
He graduated in 4 years with his B.S. degree in International Business Administration. We allowed him to live at home while he attending USC. We supported him with credit cards, money, clothes, a nice car, and everything else he wanted. We did this because we were proud of him and wanted him to stay in school and not have to worry about other things. We wanted his mind to be only on his education.
When he graduated, and decided to go back for his M.A. degree in Economics, we told him that he would be able to stay at home, but he was no longer going to be provided with money, and he would have to pay his own credit card bills. We would only provide him with food, and his car payments. Everything else had to be paid by him. We explained to him that he now has an undergraduate degree from a top university, and his degree is excellent and very strong. He has the ability to find an excellent job that pays a lot of money. He agreed and found a wonderful job at a large HR company that paid him $60,000 per year. He was excited, happy, and proud of being able to find such a job.
One day I noticed that he did not leave for work. I asked him why he didn't go to work, and he told me that he was fired. I asked him why he was fired, and he told me that he doesn't feel like working right now. He wants to "hang out with my friends and go to different places." I was so angry and upset with him. I found out that he had skipped work about 3 times. He just decided that he doesn't want to go to work today. I can't believe this attitude!!! How can he expect to make a successful life for himself if he doesn't hold down a job? He worked for a couple weeks, and decided that he likes having fun more than work. He still goes to school, and he has finished his first year of Grad school.
Has now has no income to support himself, and we are back on the same road we started on. He expects no less than $300 a week in cash, his car payments are $480 a month, his credit card bills total about $600 a month, and he expects new clothes and shoes every single week. We are at this moment paying for every single penny that he needs and spends. I can't figure out how my son became this way. He was always so mature and responsible. And how can he expect to become successful if he expects to have every dime paid for by us? And what is the point of earning your college degrees if you are not going to use them? My husband agrees that we should do something about this, but he refuses to cut off his support. He says that we can't force him to do anything, and he has to do it by his own will. I disgaree and I think that he is only going to realize that he needs to support himself if we cut off support.
Your husband is way wrong. All you are going to do by continuing to support your son is to show him that he doesn’t have to work for anything, something that he obviously already knows.
It is sad to say but I know many young ‘brilliant’ people who, once they got in the work force, suddenly folded. It was as though the pressure of school was off, and they finally had the chance to relax, and boom- they realized what they were missing all these years. I know a 36 year old with 2 master’s degrees, working as a cook. Why? Because mom and dad pay for everything. They are still living in the past- the past when their son was perfect. Just like your son. You don’t want this to be your son’s future- a cook…or even worse, nothing. “you teach people how to treat you.” You can’t control your husband but you can change YOU. Starting today, change your reactions to your son. Do you lecture him? Stop lecturing. Don’t give him cash, let him know you are not going to be his ATM machine any longer. Let him know that you feel disrespected, and you feel disappointed that this is how he wants to live his life. That’s it.
As for your husband, you need to ask him how long does he intend to continue being the human ATM machine? There should be a set time limit that your son doesn’t know about. Your husband’s motto that “he has to do it by his own will” will be given a chance to prove itself, and if it doesn’t prove itself by a certain date- make a resolution with your husband to be on the same page as for what you will do at that time.
I can’t imagine your disappointment. Please know that whether your son succeeds or fails, now that he is an adult, this is in his hands, not yours- not your husband’s. (its not in your wallet, either.)
