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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 2034
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:46:09 pm
Author : dataimport
Have a question or problem concerning your child? Share advice and support with other parents.

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July 31, 2006, 8:39 pm CDT

Mom you are right

Quote From: lshooshani

My name is Laleh Shooshani, and I have a son who recently turned 23. I have three kids, and he is my oldest. He is a wonderful young man, and has always been the most brilliant child I have ever seen. My son was always a responsible, well-mannered, and dedicated young man. I remember his teachers always telling me how he does well in school, and helps others who need that extra help. He has always been involved in the community, and different organizations. When he turned 18 years old and was accepted to the University of Southern California, I was confident that I raised a mature, and responsible young man. My husband and I were so proud of him, and we were proud of ourselves.

 

He graduated in 4 years with his B.S. degree in International Business Administration. We allowed him to live at home while he attending USC. We supported him with credit cards, money, clothes, a nice car, and everything else he wanted. We did this because we were proud of him and wanted him to stay in school and not have to worry about other things. We wanted his mind to be only on his education.

 

When he graduated, and decided to go back for his M.A. degree in Economics, we told him that he would be able to stay at home, but he was no longer going to be provided with money, and he would have to pay his own credit card bills. We would only provide him with food, and his car payments. Everything else had to be paid by him. We explained to him that he now has an undergraduate degree from a top university, and his degree is excellent and very strong. He has the ability to find an excellent job that pays a lot of money. He agreed and found a wonderful job at a large HR company that paid him $60,000 per year. He was excited, happy, and proud of being able to find such a job.

 

One day I noticed that he did not leave for work. I asked him why he didn't go to work, and he told me that he was fired. I asked him why he was fired, and he told me that he doesn't feel like working right now. He wants to "hang out with my friends and go to different places." I was so angry and upset with him. I found out that he had skipped work about 3 times. He just decided that he doesn't want to go to work today. I can't believe this attitude!!! How can he expect to make a successful life for himself if he doesn't hold down a job? He worked for a couple weeks, and decided that he likes having fun more than work. He still goes to school, and he has finished his first year of Grad school.

 

Has now has no income to support himself, and we are back on the same road we started on. He expects no less than $300 a week in cash, his car payments are $480 a month, his credit card bills total about $600 a month, and he expects new clothes and shoes every single week. We are at this moment paying for every single penny that he needs and spends. I can't figure out how my son became this way. He was always so mature and responsible. And how can he expect to become successful if he expects to have every dime paid for by us? And what is the point of earning your college degrees if you are not going to use them? My husband agrees that we should do something about this, but he refuses to cut off his support. He says that we can't force him to do anything, and he has to do it by his own will. I disgaree and I think that he is only going to realize that he needs to support himself if we cut off support.

Your husband is way wrong. All you are going to do by continuing to support your son is to show him that he doesn’t have to work for anything, something that he obviously already knows.
It is sad to say but I know many young ‘brilliant’ people who, once they got in the work force, suddenly folded. It was as though the pressure of school was off, and they finally had the chance to relax, and boom- they realized what they were missing all these years. I know a 36 year old with 2 master’s degrees, working as a cook. Why? Because mom and dad pay for everything. They are still living in the past- the past when their son was perfect. Just like your son. You don’t want this to be your son’s future- a cook…or even worse, nothing. “you teach people how to treat you.” You can’t control your husband but you can change YOU. Starting today, change your reactions to your son. Do you lecture him? Stop lecturing. Don’t give him cash, let him know you are not going to be his ATM machine any longer. Let him know that you feel disrespected, and you feel disappointed that this is how he wants to live his life. That’s it.
As for your husband, you need to ask him how long does he intend to continue being the human ATM machine? There should be a set time limit that your son doesn’t know about. Your husband’s motto that “he has to do it by his own will” will be given a chance to prove itself, and if it doesn’t prove itself by a certain date- make a resolution with your husband to be on the same page as for what you will do at that time.
I can’t imagine your disappointment. Please know that whether your son succeeds or fails, now that he is an adult, this is in his hands, not yours- not your husband’s. (its not in your wallet, either.)
 
 
August 1, 2006, 7:53 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: Needbehappy

 I have 18 1/2 year old daughter who has been so responsible, sensible young lady. She is my oldest of four children.  However, lately she has out to explore. She insisted on hanging out with friends late til 3am even sleepover there. I really trusted her. She was brought up in strict environment at home, I thought it will make it better for her to let her, eventhough I checked with friends that everything will be ok. I insisted over and over that she promises me "no drinking,drugs and sex". I think her partying involves weed smoking, drinking alcohol and could even be sex. I am terrified. Please advise on how to approach the situation. Terrified and shocked.

There is not much that you can do considering that she is 18....however I think that you sitting down and discussing the behaviors...such as smoking weed and getting drunk...and even having sex...will have on her life. I'm not sure if you've ever been young and experimented with those things...but I have. And being a 21 year old mother to two and married with my head on straight I'm proud to say that I escaped them!

Sure getting drunk and high is fun when you're young...it makes you feel more important...more belonging to the group of people whom surround you at those types of places....but in all reality smoking pot and getting drunk all the time can have serious consequences on your life. I was always the girl who said....I'm not addicted, I can quit when ever I want to. And that's a typical line you'll hear from just about anyone who smokes a little dope. But in reality when I got pregnant and quit smoking it....I actually went through withdrawl....and I couldn't believe how smoking pot had really affected me. I never knew that I was addicted until it was my 5th month of pregnancy and that's ALL that I wanted! Of course I didn't succumb to it because I was pregnant...and I didn't want that for my child...and thankfully having my children brought me around to realize just how terrible those types of things can be.

I can't fathom why anyone would want to purposefully kill themselves....because we all know that smoking and drinking cause serious health issues...and when done in more than just moderation they up the odds for many different health problems.

Anyhow...maybe you should let your daughter read what I wrote to you...in hopes that from one girl to another she'll understand that it's much more important to stay healthy than it is to rot your body with pollutants! And that maybe she'll take away from this what can happen and think about that.

 

 
August 1, 2006, 7:57 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: decaf92078

I am looking for any advice I can get.  I have an 8 year old son who sleep walks EVERY NIGHT!  He will be sleeping and start moaning and crying like he is having a bad dream.  He will then roam the house to try to open the front door or try to go to the bathroom anywhere in the house.  We try to wake him up but it does not phase him.  He has tried to pee in our fridge, in the garbage can, at the foot of our bed, ect.  We make him go to the bathroom every night before bed but it does not help.  We ask him constantly about this all the time and he denies he does it.  He says he doesn't have bad dreams.  Does anyone else have this problem?  He has done it for so long but my husband and I are in need of some good nights sleep.

My suggestion is to take him to the doctor immediately and discuss the options that you have. Ask them to monitor him with a sleep study and set up a camera in your house if you have to to catch what is happening. You are NEVER supposed to wake a sleepwalking person. It can be extremely detrimental to them. So...next time he's trying pee in your refridgerator kindly take him by the shoulders and redirect him to the potty! And then back to his bedroom! Maybe he's been going through a lot of stress lately....if there have been any changes in the household or his daily routine at school he may be having trouble processing that and is taking it out in his dreams! 

Good luck and try not to get frustrated...I'm sure it's a tough situation but he can't control himself! Honestly they have no control over what they do when they are sleep walking.

 
August 1, 2006, 8:01 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: chiqualoca

 My grandson is 11 years old.  His mother is my daughter.  She is a good mother, very fair and firm.  My daughter and my grandson's father are not together.  She is married and has 2 step-sons and 1 daughter from this marriage.  My grandson lies to her about everything.  He has been grounded, has had privileges taken away, ie. tv, stereo, games, etc.  Short of "beating his butt", my daughter is very disappointed, stressed and frustrated.  Anyone have any ideas.
Maybe she should try something consistently!!!! The only thing that will result in trying several different approaches like she has is confusion. of course I don't know how long she stuck with one before she moved on to the other...but based on statistics she most likely didn't give any of them enough time or effort to actual work.
 
August 1, 2006, 8:39 am CDT

Reply

Quote From: jenoc99

Your husband is way wrong. All you are going to do by continuing to support your son is to show him that he doesn’t have to work for anything, something that he obviously already knows.
It is sad to say but I know many young ‘brilliant’ people who, once they got in the work force, suddenly folded. It was as though the pressure of school was off, and they finally had the chance to relax, and boom- they realized what they were missing all these years. I know a 36 year old with 2 master’s degrees, working as a cook. Why? Because mom and dad pay for everything. They are still living in the past- the past when their son was perfect. Just like your son. You don’t want this to be your son’s future- a cook…or even worse, nothing. “you teach people how to treat you.” You can’t control your husband but you can change YOU. Starting today, change your reactions to your son. Do you lecture him? Stop lecturing. Don’t give him cash, let him know you are not going to be his ATM machine any longer. Let him know that you feel disrespected, and you feel disappointed that this is how he wants to live his life. That’s it.
As for your husband, you need to ask him how long does he intend to continue being the human ATM machine? There should be a set time limit that your son doesn’t know about. Your husband’s motto that “he has to do it by his own will” will be given a chance to prove itself, and if it doesn’t prove itself by a certain date- make a resolution with your husband to be on the same page as for what you will do at that time.
I can’t imagine your disappointment. Please know that whether your son succeeds or fails, now that he is an adult, this is in his hands, not yours- not your husband’s. (its not in your wallet, either.)
 

I absolutely agree with everything you said. I do believe that my husband is making a huge mistake by continuing to support our son and his habits. I don't want my son to end up like a loser. He has the ability and potential to do well in life and his career.

I can't control my husband and change what he wants to do, but that is the heart of the problem. Yes, I can stop being his ATM machine, but I don't think that is going to impact him that much. My husband is the one that has the money, and he is the one who gets him the credit cards. I can stop lecturing him, but that is about all that I can do. I don't work.....so all the money he gets is from his father. My husband has told me that he is willing to support him with everything he needs, until he graduates from Graduate School. That is a few years from now. When my huisband makes up his mind, and decides that he wants to do something a certain way, I know for a fact that there is no point in setting a "time limit" for him. I can't make my husband prove himself. He decided that its going to be this way until he finishes his M.A. degree.  

  

  

 
August 1, 2006, 8:48 am CDT

Reply

Quote From: jettav

yep, the more you feed into his immature, and manipulative ways the more he will continue to use you. You need to stick to your guns and stick withyour agreement. he is an adult witha degree and he needs to learn to stand on his own, if you don't stop now, it will get worse adnt he real sad thing is, it is gonna put your husabnd and you further into debta nd when/if he gets onhis own, you will be stuck with the bills and you might as well kiss retirement goodbue cause your not gonna have any money for paying your son'e debts, Maybe it's time for your son to grow up, tough love isn't always but in the end you will be glad you did it and chances are he will be too.

I can and will stick to my guns. My husband can do what he wants, but that does not mean that I should do the same. My son can feel free to go to my husband, and deal with him. I think I should take myself out of the picture, and let the two of them decide what they want to do.  

  

We are lucky that his habits won't put us into debt. My husband owns Shooshani Developers, LLC, and we have the luxury of supporting his habits. However, I understand that it could easily be the other way around. The money isn't the issue. It is the principal of the situation that I am concerned about. I feel like we raised him so well that there is no way that he could be this way.  

  

I'm going to take the tough love road, and my husband can take the "he's my baby" road. If my son doesn't change his habits, my husband can feel responsible for it.  

 
August 1, 2006, 4:22 pm CDT

dating!

i'm wondering when everyone thinks is a good age to start dating. my daughter is nine and she's already got her eyes on a few of the boys around the neighbourhood. is nine too young to start dating, or am i just being a spoilsport?
 
August 1, 2006, 8:01 pm CDT

9 year old dating?

Quote From: mary_sue73

i'm wondering when everyone thinks is a good age to start dating. my daughter is nine and she's already got her eyes on a few of the boys around the neighbourhood. is nine too young to start dating, or am i just being a spoilsport?
YES, it IS too young! Why would anyparent even think about allowing their 9 year old to date! Sorry, if I sound rude but 9 is way too young to start dating. But of course I suppsoe that depends on how you are defining dating. I am not against girls having "friends" that are boys but Iwould expect their activities to involve boys and girls.
 
August 1, 2006, 8:09 pm CDT

Right age for dating

Quote From: jettav

YES, it IS too young! Why would anyparent even think about allowing their 9 year old to date! Sorry, if I sound rude but 9 is way too young to start dating. But of course I suppsoe that depends on how you are defining dating. I am not against girls having "friends" that are boys but Iwould expect their activities to involve boys and girls.
I think there might be various view points here but my girlsa re not gonna start dating til they are 16 and that's if they bring up the subject.......................of course before then, hubby, their daddy is taking them on their first dates and will show and teach them how they are to be "respected" by a boy and they will have information on how to handle situations and all..................And of course there will be guidelines...............But whatever the case, a 9 year old is way too young and never would I even allow it to cross my mind, she needs to be a kid, not a tennager!
 
August 1, 2006, 8:35 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: mary_sue73

i'm wondering when everyone thinks is a good age to start dating. my daughter is nine and she's already got her eyes on a few of the boys around the neighbourhood. is nine too young to start dating, or am i just being a spoilsport?
Did she specifically say that she wanted to date?  To me, she's too young for dating, but not too young for crushes.  You need to talk with her about that.
 
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