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Topic : General Advice

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:46:09 pm
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Have a question or problem concerning your child? Share advice and support with other parents.



 
alba1154
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October 12, 2006, 7:49 am PDT

In need for advise

Hello there I need an advise on the religios topic.

 Me and my husband come from eastern europe we grew up not believing in any religios because our country was under comunist dictator for over fourty years.

All we know that our grandparents were orthodocs and muslim religios back then.

Our daughter is 10 years old, she goes to public school and most of her class mates are muslims, she came one day and told me that she is interested in finding more about muslim religion. From her words she finds it interesting.

We understand that she curios about it and we told her sure you can find out about religion, you can read about catholics, orthodoks,and muslims. She jumped up and said that she only interested in muslim religion.She said that she don't like catholics and she don't like Bush, or the Pop. 

To us this is a nightmare, there is no way we see us supporting her into this.We never talk about religion because we don't unerstand and we sound stupid or mean.

We don't want her to get involved in any kind of religios, how can we  give her any advise for something that we don't understand.We also don't want her to shut the doors of conversation.

We can't wait for your advise, thank you.

 

 
 
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mstrong66
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October 12, 2006, 8:33 am PDT

Funny one

I thought my 14 year old was kidding the other day when she said about me taking our 3 ferrets to the bath room with me when I shower.  They play on the floor and then I put them in to play in the tub when I am done.  They like water.  I have 2 girls and one boy.  Anyway, she said that is weird you take the boy in with you.  Is this a normal thing?  I think its very strange, she was not kidding, due to she has said this over and over again, and it seems to bother her.  I don't mention it anymore, I just do it due to they are not here in the mornings now they are in school.  Any comments?
 
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canucklehead
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October 13, 2006, 7:39 am PDT

General Advice

Quote From: mstrong66

I thought my 14 year old was kidding the other day when she said about me taking our 3 ferrets to the bath room with me when I shower.  They play on the floor and then I put them in to play in the tub when I am done.  They like water.  I have 2 girls and one boy.  Anyway, she said that is weird you take the boy in with you.  Is this a normal thing?  I think its very strange, she was not kidding, due to she has said this over and over again, and it seems to bother her.  I don't mention it anymore, I just do it due to they are not here in the mornings now they are in school.  Any comments?
You're right.  That is kinda funny.  If it bothers her, I would just keep on doing like you are and keep it for when she isn't home.
 
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firenspice
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October 13, 2006, 12:01 pm PDT

What if it were you...

I'm going to pose this question because I want people's personal opinions on this, personal as in from personal experience. I have a three month old daughter, and one rather deadbeat ex-boyfriend that is the father. I discovered when I was seven months pregnant that he was using hard-core drugs. I honestly didn't know this from the whole time I knew him during our relationship. ANYways, I gave him an ultimatum, to sober up for this child and hisself, or get gone. So he disappeared.

 

Recently, he's come back and is requesting to visit our daughter. I told him the only way I would grant him a visit is if he passes a drug test before he is allowed to see her. He accepted this as the terms of our arrangement; seeing as he's not even on the birth certificate still because he refuses an affadavit of paternity, and I'm not paying for the legal test until I resolve this matter a bit further personally.

 

So he came over one week to see her for a few hours as became our usual since she was 6 weeks old. Only he didn't pass the test this time. I questioned him and he confessed that he'd been using again, only this time it was a worse drug, not that any drugs are better than others or any more acceptable in my book.  So I told him he needed to leave and not bother us until he could pass a drug test and honestly say he was sober. At this time he got aggressive, and demanding. The nutshell of what happened was he managed to scare our daughter by being confrontational. I was shaken enough, that I paid for a professional background check. I discovered that this person I had been with had been lying to me for the two years we'd been together.

 

He has a sordid past and record filled with drug charges and assaults. He even has warrants out of his native state for drug trafficking that he's been eluding for going on two years now. He wasn't even honest with me about how old he was. And there's so much more that I can't even begin to explain about his recklessness. The point being that I perceive this man to be a threat to my child as long as he's using, and he has chosen using over his child time and time again. He even missed her birth!

 

So my dilemma is this:  Is it better to protect my child from being hurt by her father by keeping them separate, or take mine and her chances, and let him be involved in her life, but from a safe-guarded distance. I do want my child to know that she has a father. I just don't want her to be hurt like I was as a child. Everyone questions why  women don't leave abusive situations as soon as it's abusive or looking that way, and that's truly the direction I believe that this will go in given time. And yet finding support or even a sounding board is so hard.

 

Should I relocate before he has any legal claim to her so that I can protect her? Or should I raise her to keep her guard up, I don't want to raise a calloused child, but I also couldn't stand if she resented me for separating them. Is it better to know you parents for all their flaws than to not know them at all.
 
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tobold
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October 16, 2006, 12:31 pm PDT

Hurting Grandparents need answer

I would like to get an opinion from you or your council if possible.

This is about kids and using the grandchildren against the grandparents.

Our daughter has had a bad go of it with her new husband. They lived together for over two years and have now been married for about a year. They have a son that is now 17 months old.

Her husband has always been very domineering and controlling. He has a son that is 5 years old from a previous woman. They are both in there mid twenty’s. He has moved from job-to-job several times in the past two years and is now trying to make it as a car salesman but it is a job that requires him to be gone for three to four weeks at a time. They both say they are making money but have lost both cars and have been evicted from the apartment. They moved in with his aunt but she is in the process of selling her house so this will not last long. They have to rely on friends and his mother to get our daughter to work and back each day. We would love to help but they refuse to move close to us and she will not move in because her job is too far to drive, and she don’t have a car anyway.

The last time he was back in town they ask us to keep the grandson, of course we were more than happy to do that. We try to get him as often as possible. He is a little, or should I say big, redhead boy with blue eye’s and is a doll, anyway…. We said we would and they brought him over that Friday evening. They came in dropped him and his baby bag off and like the wind was gone. They forgot to leave us the car seat they were in such a hurry. Come Sunday our daughter called and said they had a big fight and that they both decided that it was time to separate because they just could not get along any more. My wife told her that this was always her home and that she was welcome back home, her and the grandson of course.

We wondered why the sudden change and knew that they had a limited time to move out of his aunt’s house but we said nothing to them. We suspected that we were being used as a go-between because of some of the things said, but I will not get into that. When they came over he would not get out and my wife and daughter brought several items into her room. After a few minutes she came into the living room. I ask if they was serious about breaking up and she said yes they had had enough. I explained to her that it takes a long time to learn each other and takes a lot of effort to make a marriage work. I also explained to her that if this is what they have decided that she would have to file for a separation and ask her is she sure this is what they agreed to, she said "Yes it was". We talked for a while and then my wife ask her to go get him and tell him he is welcome to come in. She finally went out and ask him to come in but stayed out with him for about fifteen minutes. He did come in and sat on the sofa with our daughter. My wife ask what they had decided and got no answers. We sat there not saying much and after a while my wife ask again " What are your plans, is she going to stay for a while then you are going to get back together are is this what you both have made up your minds to do?" Our daughter then stated that they thought they would just try again to make it work.

I started talking to both of them about making things work out and how it takes love, dedication and working to make ends meet to support the family. He got offensive and stated that he was supporting his family.

I explained that it would take both of them and that I do not see that happening. He then got up and walked out saying, "I do not have to set here and listen to anyone saying I do not support my family". I told him that maybe that was an issue because he did not want to listen to anyone trying to help. Maybe I should have said nothing but that did not go over good to get up and walk out when someone is trying to explain what it would take in life to make ends meet. Anyway, he walked out of the house.

At that time our daughter started saying I was wrong that I should have not said anything to him. I tried to explain to her that they have lost both cars and did not have a place of their own to live and that I do not see the family support. She was very angry, pointing her finger at me and saying I was wrong and that he was supporting his family. She said they had $5000 in the bank and that he were getting an apartment when he got back from this next job. I explained to her that he was working this job for over one year and that the money they have would not support the current requirements that they have now. She would not hear any of what I was saying, packed her stuff back into his mothers truck and left with him, Mad. They left the baby bag, food and diapers that we had picked up for him because they were in such a hurry to leave.

Now our daughter is saying that if I do not apologize to her husband that he said we could not see the grandson. They have moved into an apartment but still use his mother’s truck and other people for travel.

We are surprised that our daughter would allow this to happen. After all, She was coming home because it was over, what happened?

 

Do I apologize for what I feel is the truth and what I believe? Do I walk on egg-shells the rest of my life around them? Can parents not talk to our kids now?

Everyone we talk to say’s "Do not apologize" but I would like to hear from someone that may have been through this before, what was the outcome?

Please Help the grandparents make the right decision.

Concerned and Hurt Grandparents
 
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allysmomma87
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October 16, 2006, 4:59 pm PDT

New Young Mom

I am 18 years old, 19 in November and 7 months pregnant. Granted I could be in a very bad position in my life, Its not as bad as it sounds and I just hope no one is judging me. The father of my little girl is 22 and the greatest thing that's happened to me in a long time. He's been with me through everything and been extremely supportive (even through 3 months of throwing up and spoon feeding me). He has a wonderful job and makes more than enough money for someone his age and is moving up very fast in his career. He got a big beautiful apartment for all of us so we had room for a baby and bought me a minivan so we had something to put a car seat in for the baby. He's selling his brand new truck to get something more practical for a family and is doing everything he can to make sure I'm happy. When i first found out we were pregnant, it shocked me. I had waited to have sex until I was sure I was in a healthy relationship with someone I cared about and we did use protection, every time. so it surprised me very much. I told him I didnt plan on him sticking around and i had plenty of family to help me through it, and basically gave him an out to leave whenever without feeling guilty. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he pushed back and didnt give up on me. He gave me space and time to make the decisions i needed to and let me know he was always going to be here for me. I thought i had ruined his life by making him a father at this time of his life (not that i wanted to be a mother now either) but we are still together and stronger than ever. Hes the sweetest, most loving, caring, beautiful person I know and i love him with all of my heart, more than i thought i could ever love another human being. He talks to my belly everyday and gives her kisses good morning and good night and tears when he thinks about holding our little girl in his arms. So with him being so darn wonderful i thought this would be a lot easier on me being a mother at such a young age but its not. I am graduated from high school already with high honors, a 28 ACT score and plans on going to college are still something i am going to do. Its just been put on hold for now. I couldnt handle having an abortion because ive always been against that. But im just scared to death of doing it all wrong. Of being such a horrible mother that I screw my child up so bad beyond repair. I love her so much already and i'd do anything for her i just dont know if I have the 'mommy gene' in me to be a good parent. I do have a lot of support but when it comes down to it, im her mother and i want to do the best i can. Im afraid i havent had enough life experience to raise a child in this world good enough and i fear that i'll do everything wrong. Put the diapers on wrong, take her temperature wrong, feed her wrong, put her to bed wrong. i couldnt live with myself if something horrible happened to her. I didnt plan on being a mother at this age but I have no choice now and im scared to death. The responsibility of it is starting to bear down on me. My mother went through cancer, a house fire, house flood, and fibromyalgia so bad to the point that i helped raise my younger sister most of the time on my own. But this is different and Im not sure what to do. Any suggestions/advice?
 
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rhonda_arlene
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October 17, 2006, 1:53 pm PDT

General Advice

Quote From: tray00

My son will be 9 in October.  He wets the bed everynight.  Occassionally when he sleeps over at friends houses, he does not wet the bed. 

 

I have tried stopping drinks after 6pm.  Getting him to go pee before he goes to bed.  I have also woke him up to go pee when I go to bed (around 11pm) He has either allready peed or still wakes up wet.  I have even gone as far as the medication prescribed by doctors.  That didn't work either. 

 

Every night he wears pullups to bed.  (I have to buy the Good nights as the sizing is bigger, and they are more expensive) This morning he went right through his pull up and we are washing his sheets. 

 

I am so tired of washing clothes and smelling pee in his room.  I do not scold him for this, but I have started making him do his own wash and making up his bed when it is all clean.

 

My 5 yr old thinks that he needs to wear pull ups as well.  I tell him he doesn't need to but he says his brother does so he wants to. ANd occassionally he will wet the bed as well. 

 

I occasionally wet the bed when I was young, (as an older child, amybe up til I was 11) But not every night.  This is driving me crazy!  Sometimes we don't have any pull ups, as I refuse to by them at $20 a bag, (you know 2 days before pay day). I will not buy one of those electrice shockers, that shocks them when they pee in thier sleep........

 

Basically I don't think any one can help us, he will just have to grow out of it, but I needed to vent....Thanks for listening!

I'm not sure if you still need advice on this subject but I'll tell you what worked for us.  My 8 year old had the same problem.  Wetting almost every night (we did the goodnight thing).  We did make sure that there was no medical reason for this, and I would recommend that to you just so you know if there is some underlying medical reason.  But what finally is working for us is I bought a wet alarm system.  Just a small little device that sounds an alarm at the first indication of any moisture.  The first few night I slept in the room with him just because I didn't want him to get scared when the alarm went off.  After just a few nights he was good to go.  He still wears this (it's been a few months now) and occasionally he'll set it off but for the most part he gets through the night.  And if there is an accident it is nothing more than a quick change of underwear since it is very sensitive and only takes a drop of two to set off.  I had trouble finding one (I'm in Canada) but I kept the company name that sells them so if you want more information just let me know.  In the US I think they are pretty easy to locate.  There are several brands we used the Dri Sleeper.
 
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mrsraz
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October 17, 2006, 5:01 pm PDT

General Advice

Quote From: allysmomma87

I am 18 years old, 19 in November and 7 months pregnant. Granted I could be in a very bad position in my life, Its not as bad as it sounds and I just hope no one is judging me. The father of my little girl is 22 and the greatest thing that's happened to me in a long time. He's been with me through everything and been extremely supportive (even through 3 months of throwing up and spoon feeding me). He has a wonderful job and makes more than enough money for someone his age and is moving up very fast in his career. He got a big beautiful apartment for all of us so we had room for a baby and bought me a minivan so we had something to put a car seat in for the baby. He's selling his brand new truck to get something more practical for a family and is doing everything he can to make sure I'm happy. When i first found out we were pregnant, it shocked me. I had waited to have sex until I was sure I was in a healthy relationship with someone I cared about and we did use protection, every time. so it surprised me very much. I told him I didnt plan on him sticking around and i had plenty of family to help me through it, and basically gave him an out to leave whenever without feeling guilty. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he pushed back and didnt give up on me. He gave me space and time to make the decisions i needed to and let me know he was always going to be here for me. I thought i had ruined his life by making him a father at this time of his life (not that i wanted to be a mother now either) but we are still together and stronger than ever. Hes the sweetest, most loving, caring, beautiful person I know and i love him with all of my heart, more than i thought i could ever love another human being. He talks to my belly everyday and gives her kisses good morning and good night and tears when he thinks about holding our little girl in his arms. So with him being so darn wonderful i thought this would be a lot easier on me being a mother at such a young age but its not. I am graduated from high school already with high honors, a 28 ACT score and plans on going to college are still something i am going to do. Its just been put on hold for now. I couldnt handle having an abortion because ive always been against that. But im just scared to death of doing it all wrong. Of being such a horrible mother that I screw my child up so bad beyond repair. I love her so much already and i'd do anything for her i just dont know if I have the 'mommy gene' in me to be a good parent. I do have a lot of support but when it comes down to it, im her mother and i want to do the best i can. Im afraid i havent had enough life experience to raise a child in this world good enough and i fear that i'll do everything wrong. Put the diapers on wrong, take her temperature wrong, feed her wrong, put her to bed wrong. i couldnt live with myself if something horrible happened to her. I didnt plan on being a mother at this age but I have no choice now and im scared to death. The responsibility of it is starting to bear down on me. My mother went through cancer, a house fire, house flood, and fibromyalgia so bad to the point that i helped raise my younger sister most of the time on my own. But this is different and Im not sure what to do. Any suggestions/advice?

I am a 29 year old mother of 4 kids and I started at the age of 17 and finished at 22. We as parents always worry about all the things you are conserned about, any loving parent does. Yes you are young and don't have as much experience as older mothers but think of it like this wether you had your first child at 17 or 25 you are still a NEW mother. Read all the books, be opened hearted to other mothers around you and look into some new mother classes all these things will help you answer the basic normal questions. Just remember your baby ALWAYS COMES FIRST!! If you do this you should be just fine. Love is the best thing you can give your child and by the sounds of it your are starting of on the right foot. Good Luck and God Bless!!!
 
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jettav
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October 17, 2006, 5:51 pm PDT

General Advice

Quote From: allysmomma87

I am 18 years old, 19 in November and 7 months pregnant. Granted I could be in a very bad position in my life, Its not as bad as it sounds and I just hope no one is judging me. The father of my little girl is 22 and the greatest thing that's happened to me in a long time. He's been with me through everything and been extremely supportive (even through 3 months of throwing up and spoon feeding me). He has a wonderful job and makes more than enough money for someone his age and is moving up very fast in his career. He got a big beautiful apartment for all of us so we had room for a baby and bought me a minivan so we had something to put a car seat in for the baby. He's selling his brand new truck to get something more practical for a family and is doing everything he can to make sure I'm happy. When i first found out we were pregnant, it shocked me. I had waited to have sex until I was sure I was in a healthy relationship with someone I cared about and we did use protection, every time. so it surprised me very much. I told him I didnt plan on him sticking around and i had plenty of family to help me through it, and basically gave him an out to leave whenever without feeling guilty. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he pushed back and didnt give up on me. He gave me space and time to make the decisions i needed to and let me know he was always going to be here for me. I thought i had ruined his life by making him a father at this time of his life (not that i wanted to be a mother now either) but we are still together and stronger than ever. Hes the sweetest, most loving, caring, beautiful person I know and i love him with all of my heart, more than i thought i could ever love another human being. He talks to my belly everyday and gives her kisses good morning and good night and tears when he thinks about holding our little girl in his arms. So with him being so darn wonderful i thought this would be a lot easier on me being a mother at such a young age but its not. I am graduated from high school already with high honors, a 28 ACT score and plans on going to college are still something i am going to do. Its just been put on hold for now. I couldnt handle having an abortion because ive always been against that. But im just scared to death of doing it all wrong. Of being such a horrible mother that I screw my child up so bad beyond repair. I love her so much already and i'd do anything for her i just dont know if I have the 'mommy gene' in me to be a good parent. I do have a lot of support but when it comes down to it, im her mother and i want to do the best i can. Im afraid i havent had enough life experience to raise a child in this world good enough and i fear that i'll do everything wrong. Put the diapers on wrong, take her temperature wrong, feed her wrong, put her to bed wrong. i couldnt live with myself if something horrible happened to her. I didnt plan on being a mother at this age but I have no choice now and im scared to death. The responsibility of it is starting to bear down on me. My mother went through cancer, a house fire, house flood, and fibromyalgia so bad to the point that i helped raise my younger sister most of the time on my own. But this is different and Im not sure what to do. Any suggestions/advice?

All new mom's go through this. I am an older mom and I had some similar thoughts but really, mothering comes naturally,  you will be surprised at yourself. Just don't be afraid to ask questions, to ask for help, to take time for your self, all these things are imporant. Sounds like you have good support and that is a plus. Congratulations and don't stress too much.............
 
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canucklehead
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October 18, 2006, 10:23 am PDT

General Advice

Quote From: allysmomma87

I am 18 years old, 19 in November and 7 months pregnant. Granted I could be in a very bad position in my life, Its not as bad as it sounds and I just hope no one is judging me. The father of my little girl is 22 and the greatest thing that's happened to me in a long time. He's been with me through everything and been extremely supportive (even through 3 months of throwing up and spoon feeding me). He has a wonderful job and makes more than enough money for someone his age and is moving up very fast in his career. He got a big beautiful apartment for all of us so we had room for a baby and bought me a minivan so we had something to put a car seat in for the baby. He's selling his brand new truck to get something more practical for a family and is doing everything he can to make sure I'm happy. When i first found out we were pregnant, it shocked me. I had waited to have sex until I was sure I was in a healthy relationship with someone I cared about and we did use protection, every time. so it surprised me very much. I told him I didnt plan on him sticking around and i had plenty of family to help me through it, and basically gave him an out to leave whenever without feeling guilty. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he pushed back and didnt give up on me. He gave me space and time to make the decisions i needed to and let me know he was always going to be here for me. I thought i had ruined his life by making him a father at this time of his life (not that i wanted to be a mother now either) but we are still together and stronger than ever. Hes the sweetest, most loving, caring, beautiful person I know and i love him with all of my heart, more than i thought i could ever love another human being. He talks to my belly everyday and gives her kisses good morning and good night and tears when he thinks about holding our little girl in his arms. So with him being so darn wonderful i thought this would be a lot easier on me being a mother at such a young age but its not. I am graduated from high school already with high honors, a 28 ACT score and plans on going to college are still something i am going to do. Its just been put on hold for now. I couldnt handle having an abortion because ive always been against that. But im just scared to death of doing it all wrong. Of being such a horrible mother that I screw my child up so bad beyond repair. I love her so much already and i'd do anything for her i just dont know if I have the 'mommy gene' in me to be a good parent. I do have a lot of support but when it comes down to it, im her mother and i want to do the best i can. Im afraid i havent had enough life experience to raise a child in this world good enough and i fear that i'll do everything wrong. Put the diapers on wrong, take her temperature wrong, feed her wrong, put her to bed wrong. i couldnt live with myself if something horrible happened to her. I didnt plan on being a mother at this age but I have no choice now and im scared to death. The responsibility of it is starting to bear down on me. My mother went through cancer, a house fire, house flood, and fibromyalgia so bad to the point that i helped raise my younger sister most of the time on my own. But this is different and Im not sure what to do. Any suggestions/advice?

I never wanted children.  I was dead set against having any.  Not because I dislike children, but, as you said, I didn't feel as though I had the "mommy gene".  I didn't feel like I had anything to offer a child.  I thought that I would screw her up; that she would be an uncontrollable brat.  I still have worries that I am not doing everything I could. 

 

But you know what I discovered?  Every parent, mothers especially, think that at some point.  There is no such thing as a mommy gene.  Heck, I wish there were...like some hormone that is released into your brain when you get pregnant that automatically tells you how to take care of your child.  But there isn't and you just have to do the best you can.  Do what you feel is right.  Ask for advice when something arises that you are unsure about but don't feel like you have to take said advice.  What is right for their children, might not work for yours.

 

It takes a lot of practice to get being a mommy down...and I don't think we ever stop learning how.  But don't forget, you have a wonderful man who wants to be a father as well.  You are not alone and have the support you need to help you along the way.
 
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