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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 2034
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:46:09 pm
Author : dataimport
Have a question or problem concerning your child? Share advice and support with other parents.

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September 9, 2005, 6:58 am CDT

Maranda

I take it you are not involved in a relationship at this time?  I was lucky to find someone, I have been with him for 14 yrs. Since my baby was 1 1/2 yrs old.  My son never called this guy dad until he was 6 (when we got married) That could be the differnce as to why my son didn't ask.   

  

I am not sure what to say?  Do you have pictures you could show him?  maybe he could call his dad?  Ask him why he doesn't come and see him?  I know you don't want to break his heart.  A couple years ago I got a letter back from my sons new wife she wrote it to both my son and I.  I never showed it to my son and I never will.  What a bag she is!  She told me that they didn't believe he was the father, and that it proves it because I slept around all the time.  I jsut about fell off my chair reading that!  And how can you write something like that and have a 14 yr old read that about his mom.  I do have to say he was my first and I didn't have a clue what I was doing or how to do it!  LOL  I did not sleep around.  If she would of said that to my face I think I would of socked her one!  Not that I am a violent person, but she was wrong to say that! 

  

I used to tell my son that his dad lived far away and show him pictures.   

  

I have to get the kids ready for school, and head to the gym so I will be back....TRAY 

 
September 11, 2005, 7:37 pm CDT

What should I do ?

My ex-husband & I got divorced when my son  was 2 ( he is now 11) Over the last 9 years he has spent less & less time with him. My current husband & I have been married 5 years and he is very much a father to my son. I have always done everything I could to encourage a relationship between my son & his father but as my son gets older I am starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing. For example, here is the current situation: My Ex has not had any contact with my son for about 6 weeks. This morning my husband told me I should go ahead & call him to see what is going on & to encourage him to spend time with my son. I called him & he went on & on about himself & his problems (typical) and did set up a weekend at the end of this month to see him. He said he would call back this evening to talk to my son and never did (also typical). My son is a great kid & has a great relationship with my husband but he does enjoy the time he spends with his dad. Do I continue to encourage the relationship between my son & my ex or should I stop getting involved & put the resposibility in the hands of my ex ?
 
September 11, 2005, 9:54 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: dansmom

My ex-husband & I got divorced when my son  was 2 ( he is now 11) Over the last 9 years he has spent less & less time with him. My current husband & I have been married 5 years and he is very much a father to my son. I have always done everything I could to encourage a relationship between my son & his father but as my son gets older I am starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing. For example, here is the current situation: My Ex has not had any contact with my son for about 6 weeks. This morning my husband told me I should go ahead & call him to see what is going on & to encourage him to spend time with my son. I called him & he went on & on about himself & his problems (typical) and did set up a weekend at the end of this month to see him. He said he would call back this evening to talk to my son and never did (also typical). My son is a great kid & has a great relationship with my husband but he does enjoy the time he spends with his dad. Do I continue to encourage the relationship between my son & my ex or should I stop getting involved & put the resposibility in the hands of my ex ?

dont take my word for the last word...this is just what i think...i dunno if its right or wrong. 

  

personally, i think that ur ex is an ass and if he really loved his son he wud spend time with him and would actually want to. plus he needs to figure out his problems before he gets really involved with ur son...u dont want some of those problems to rub off onto ur son right? 

  

now ur husband seems like a very nice guy and is the real dad here...who cares if hes not biological? anyone can stick their dick in some chick and reproduce. the big and real job of being a dad is the time they put into the child for a healthy future. i dont think ur ex deserves a son. i mean he doesnt keep promises to call and that sorta thing. wat a jerk. 

  

ur son is at a very important age. watch for any negative reactions if u do decide to discourage a relationship between ur ex and him. kids his age usually can turn really bad in about a school year so watch out for that. of course communication is very important so before u do decide to do someting you could maybe try to talk to him although his understanding will be limited. but u probly already know this cuz ur a parent and well im not 

 
September 12, 2005, 1:13 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: dansmom

My ex-husband & I got divorced when my son  was 2 ( he is now 11) Over the last 9 years he has spent less & less time with him. My current husband & I have been married 5 years and he is very much a father to my son. I have always done everything I could to encourage a relationship between my son & his father but as my son gets older I am starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing. For example, here is the current situation: My Ex has not had any contact with my son for about 6 weeks. This morning my husband told me I should go ahead & call him to see what is going on & to encourage him to spend time with my son. I called him & he went on & on about himself & his problems (typical) and did set up a weekend at the end of this month to see him. He said he would call back this evening to talk to my son and never did (also typical). My son is a great kid & has a great relationship with my husband but he does enjoy the time he spends with his dad. Do I continue to encourage the relationship between my son & my ex or should I stop getting involved & put the resposibility in the hands of my ex ?

My son has never seen his real father, ever.  I have been with my husband now since my son was almost 2.  I would do anything in this world for my son to be a part of his bio dad's life.  So of course I would suggest to you to keep the relationship going with your son's father.  Over the next couple years your son is going to turn into a teenager and go through puberty, there is going to be a lot changes in his life.  He is going to be trying to figure out who he is....he may go through alot  of friends to try and find out which style of friends he wants to hang with.  He may change his clothing style, hair style, ect 2 or more times!   

  

I would also ask your son what he wants, let your son make the decision and not you. (but don't lose his number incase one day you need it)  Your son may feel hurt if his real dad doesn't call, I would play that part by ear, see how your son feels about it, and if he wonders why his dad hasn't called in a month, say I am not sure why, why don't you call him.  Tell your son where to locate his number and use it when he wants to.   

  

My mom and dad split when I was 14, and let me tell you I had better things to do then phone my dad.  I wanted to hang with my friends and talk to them on the phone.  The other thing is I didnt' know what to talk about with my dad.  My mom never forced me to go see him, or call him.  But today as an adult I wish I called him more, I wish I went to see him more.   

  

 
September 12, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

Quote From: dansmom

I forgot one thing.....you and your son are very lucky to have a supportive husband as you do!  It is great he is so supportive! 
 
September 12, 2005, 5:59 pm CDT

23 Year Old Teenager?

We have a 23 year old son who doesn't want to work. We set him up in an apt, furnished it and paid his rent & utilities for the next 2 years to allow him time to "find himself." We said he should use the time to get a good job, save some money and work toward a career. Now that he is set up, he refuses to get a job. He has a ton of excuses for not even looking and apparantly feels we will support him forever. He says we should send him to college full-time but has no clue as to his major. We got him a great job selling insurance, but he blew it off. He is lazy, immature and has low self-esteem. Now he is using us and says that he has 2 years to figure out his life. We say he has to act now. He figures we won't let him starve. But maybe we should if it forces him to get a job. Any suggestions?
 
September 13, 2005, 6:28 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jph948

We have a 23 year old son who doesn't want to work. We set him up in an apt, furnished it and paid his rent & utilities for the next 2 years to allow him time to "find himself." We said he should use the time to get a good job, save some money and work toward a career. Now that he is set up, he refuses to get a job. He has a ton of excuses for not even looking and apparantly feels we will support him forever. He says we should send him to college full-time but has no clue as to his major. We got him a great job selling insurance, but he blew it off. He is lazy, immature and has low self-esteem. Now he is using us and says that he has 2 years to figure out his life. We say he has to act now. He figures we won't let him starve. But maybe we should if it forces him to get a job. Any suggestions?

IF that is his attitude and you really dont think he is going to make time of this and get a good start then I would take it all back.  Give him 2 months and if he doesn't have a job you are going to take everything back including the furnature - he won't have anywhere to live.  Be strong, because if you let him walk on you he will.  I know you love your son and don't want to see him in a bad place.  BUt you can't let him walk on you like that, he will just keep doing it.  Maybe even try some councelling for his low self esteem. make that a part of the deal.... 

 
September 13, 2005, 10:46 am CDT

Tray I really like having someone to talk to

Quote From: tray00

I take it you are not involved in a relationship at this time?  I was lucky to find someone, I have been with him for 14 yrs. Since my baby was 1 1/2 yrs old.  My son never called this guy dad until he was 6 (when we got married) That could be the differnce as to why my son didn't ask.   

  

I am not sure what to say?  Do you have pictures you could show him?  maybe he could call his dad?  Ask him why he doesn't come and see him?  I know you don't want to break his heart.  A couple years ago I got a letter back from my sons new wife she wrote it to both my son and I.  I never showed it to my son and I never will.  What a bag she is!  She told me that they didn't believe he was the father, and that it proves it because I slept around all the time.  I jsut about fell off my chair reading that!  And how can you write something like that and have a 14 yr old read that about his mom.  I do have to say he was my first and I didn't have a clue what I was doing or how to do it!  LOL  I did not sleep around.  If she would of said that to my face I think I would of socked her one!  Not that I am a violent person, but she was wrong to say that! 

  

I used to tell my son that his dad lived far away and show him pictures.   

  

I have to get the kids ready for school, and head to the gym so I will be back....TRAY 

Well, I am separated from my husband. I do show him pictures and tell him all the good things I know about his father. But he is very smart and it is getting really hard to answer some of the questions. He is not crazy he knows that I loved his father very much and I would have never walked out on him. When or if his father desides to speak to me son he is going to have alot of answering to do. Why are men like this? He has no idea what he has missed out on. Well I have to go get my son from school so, I guess I will talk to you later.
 
September 13, 2005, 1:17 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: sccutie960

Well, I am separated from my husband. I do show him pictures and tell him all the good things I know about his father. But he is very smart and it is getting really hard to answer some of the questions. He is not crazy he knows that I loved his father very much and I would have never walked out on him. When or if his father desides to speak to me son he is going to have alot of answering to do. Why are men like this? He has no idea what he has missed out on. Well I have to go get my son from school so, I guess I will talk to you later.
I am on my way out the door as well, but I was talking to the Dr I work with and he said my son will either do one of two things, try to contact him when he is ready on a socail level, or beat him up!  I had to laugh because that is what I have always thought too.  He agreed with me that my son probably has a lot of anger in him.  Yes these men will have to answer alot of questions when the time comes.....
 
September 13, 2005, 4:13 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: jph948

We have a 23 year old son who doesn't want to work. We set him up in an apt, furnished it and paid his rent & utilities for the next 2 years to allow him time to "find himself." We said he should use the time to get a good job, save some money and work toward a career. Now that he is set up, he refuses to get a job. He has a ton of excuses for not even looking and apparantly feels we will support him forever. He says we should send him to college full-time but has no clue as to his major. We got him a great job selling insurance, but he blew it off. He is lazy, immature and has low self-esteem. Now he is using us and says that he has 2 years to figure out his life. We say he has to act now. He figures we won't let him starve. But maybe we should if it forces him to get a job. Any suggestions?
I would advise you to quit helping him NOW. Remind him that you have taken care of him for the next two years and you have no more to give, that it is now up to him to help himself, He is 23 years old and it is time for all of you to step up to the plate and take some responsibility, you and his father need to quit giving him hand outs and he needs to be an adult. I think you have done enough to bail this kid out. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, so if you want him to keep using and manipulating you then keep doing what you are doing, otherwise, Make him step up to the plate, good grief, unlike most of us in this world, he has no responsibilities when it comes to the cost of living, Let him fall on his face a few times. If he wants to college, then he needs to get a job and pay his own way, it isn't like he has to pay for anything else and there are also grant programs and student loans that he can get, the key is to get him to stand on his own and sometimes that means "tough love."
 
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