Topic : General Advice

In my very own humble opinion, I don't think you're out of line with your thinking. Not at all. I think it's more convenient to take the easy way out, instead of getting to the bottom of what REALLY happened.

As parents, it's only natural that you want to believe your child...however...when faced with the prospect of getting in SERIOUS trouble, a kid is going to CYA. Period. They're going to lie, blame someone else, whatever...to deflect blame from themselves. Since there's no one else to blame for shooting the neighbor in the back, the easy way out is to simply say it was an "accident", while owning up to PART of the truth.

Being the FATHER of this son necessitates that he needs to talk to the neighbor, and the son again. As the custodial parent, the father should issue and enforce REAL consequences, and the mother should follow them as well when the boy visits. Regardless of whether it was an "accident" or not...consequences are called for in this situation.

Just my opinion....

I have a 6yr old boy who just informed me that when he is over at his friends house, another little boy who is 5, they get naked and look at each others butts. 

 Sorry to be so blunt about it, but my son waited a month to tell me this because he thought I would get mad at him.  My son told me that a little girl had told his friend how she did this before and so this friend of my sons, decided that they should do it too.  My son told me he didn't want to do it, but that he was "dared" to, and so that's how this happened.  I asked all sorts of questions about what else they may have done and he said that was it.  His friend had "double dog dared" him to get naked and so he felt that by him saying this, he "made" him do it.

I explained to him that anytime someone makes him uncomfortable, he is to say no and say it loudly, if that other person is not listening then find an adult and inform them of what's going on.

I understand children are very curious, but I am sick to my stomach over this.  I sat with my son and explained to him that this wasn't a game he should be playing and that it is his body is his own personal space.  No one should ask him to undress or should touch him at all.  I am planning on sitting down with the other childs parents and address this to them as well, in hopes they will sit with their child and discuss this topic with them. 

I can't believe my son has gone through something like this and that it  was bothering him so much that he waited a month to tell me. 

Does anyone have any advice on this subject?  Anything would help right now. 

Thank you.

The kids & grandkids come to stay with us 2 - 3 times a yr. Our 6 yr old grandaughter was a preme and has CP, so much attention is paid to her. Our 10 yr old grandson, I feel is disrespectfull to me and others but I'll speak for myself.

My grandson takes control of the TV and now my computer. I resent his blaten disrespect and my wife fusses at me when I don't want to give in and give our grandson his way. They just left yesterday after a 3 day stay. While here our grandson broke my Magnifying glass & a A/C vent on my truck, and my radio is also now on the blink.

I don't know how to deal with this. I've begun to pout because I can't seem to get accross the disrespect and lack of caring by him on anything I say. The wife doesn't want to talk to the kids about it, because they have enough on there hands as it is.

 My wife would be mad at me if she knew I was doing this.

Looking for a win - win

I am choosing to remain anonymous, for the sake of my child. I just do not know where else to turn for advise on this matter. I am a 30 year old woman, and have a beautiful daughter that I always put before anyone or anything. She is why I am writing this.

I never in a million years thought I would be going through something like this!

I guess I have to start at the beginning. I lived alone and choose not to be in a relationship for a couple years. I met my now husband through a friend in 2001, and we began seriously dating in 2002. We became engaged a year later. He had always been a social drinker, but it did eventually started to become a problem. Two months before our wedding day, he got really drunk and cheated on me. However, I need to explain that situation further.

We were living with a two other roommates, one was his sister and the other a male friend. Our roommates had a party where we were all heavily drinking. I ended up going on to bed (or passing out in bed which ever). In the morning when I awoke I found out that he had slept with an 18 year old virgin in his sister’s bed. He claimed that he didn’t remember any of it, and of course that he loved me. I broke off the engagement. He immediately began an AA program, and because he was no longer drinking we started counseling together. We then got married six months later in 2004, and moved away from both of our family’s. (This wasn’t because of our families.)

A few months after we got married I could see signs that he was struggling with staying sober and also trying to have friends. Just after a year sober and six months into our marriage he had a beer. I know I should have put my foot down then, but foolishly I didn’t. The beer eventually turned into several beers, and then back into the shots of liquor. I was becoming unhappy and having thoughts about leaving.

Then I took a pregnancy test, and that of course changed my life. I felt that I needed to give him the opportunity to be a father to his child. In the beginning of my pregnancy there was one incident where he became the belligerent drunk, and I informed him that I would leave if it happened again. (After all I originally married a man that didn’t drink anymore.) He knew I was serious and while he didn’t stop drinking, he did cut back and it wasn’t creating any problems. After our daughter was born he was a good father. He did occasionally become frustrated and agitated (like any parent can), but never abusive. (I would probably killed him if he did.)

Then just after our daughters first birthday, we received a phone call from his parents. His youngest sister (now fourteen), had come forward and admitted that when she was seven, he had raped her one night while he was drunk. He was twenty one at the time. He again claims that he does not remember this incident, but his sister claims he came to her the next morning and told her never to tell anyone. I have never known his sister to lie, and I know that she has nothing to gain from lying about this situation.  She claims she finally brought it out because she was worried for my daughter.

I of course, shocked and stunned, packed my bags and moved my daughter and I back in with my parents. My parents only know that I left because of his drinking. I did not tell them the full story for two reasons. One, I do not really want my daughter to ever know about this unless it becomes necessary. I feel that it could alter her view of her father and then affect her future relationships with men. Two, while I love my parents (they are truly awesome parents) I believe they would overreact, try to stop him from seeing her entirely, and if I allow him to see her they would try to take custody. I want this situation to affect her as little as possible, both now and in the future.

My parents have always been the people I go to for advise, but the only people I can talk to about this, is his parents. They of course want me to go back to him, and they claim he would never do this to his own child. They also make the point that he has now stopped drinking, and that it is healthier for her to be raised with both parents together. While they have acknowleged that this has happened, they do not want anyone to know about it. I also know that his sister should get counseling, however if she does the child protective services will have to be notified, and her parents are not pursuing counseling for her.

So far, I have not allowed him to visit with her without me being present. He does continue to live in another state, and right now supervision of the visits is easy to do, but he is talking about moving back as well in order to see her more often. He did stop drinking the day of the phone call, and he has now been sober for two months. He hopes that I will eventually come back to him and that we can be a family again. However, I have found in the last two months that I would rather not be in a relationship with anyone, and dont know that I will want one again. I believe that by choosing to be single, I can show my daughter that she doesn’t have to be in a relationship to be happy, and teach her that a good man is a blessing, but never a necessity.

I am not sure how his parents will react when they realize that I will not allow him to be alone with her, or that we will most likely never get back together.

This evening I finally told him that I don’t want a relationship with anyone, and it definitely seemed to be a big blow to him. He came here this past weekend to see our daughter, and it was apparent that she had missed him in these two months.

I am not sure if I am handling this situation with my husband in the best possible way. I know that I will never be able to trust him. I know that he seemed to be a good father to her, he misses her terribly, but I also don’t want to regret anything later or put her in harms way. I do want her to know her father and his family as long as it is healthy. I want what is best for my child, and will make any sacrifice to ensure her protection.

Please help me find the best course of action to give my child a healthy and normal life that she deserves.

First of all.....your husband didn't rape his sister b/c of alcohol. The tendencies were already there...alcohol just loosened his inhibitions enough for him to follow through on them.

I don't see how his parents can say he'd never do this to  your daughter! I'd bet they would have thought that he'd have never been able to do it to his sister, either.....BUT HE DID.

His parents are willing to throw their daughter under the bus emotionally than to get help for her. All in an effort to sweep things under the carpet, protect their son, etc. There is NO excuse for that. She NEEDS help...but they refuse to get her any, b/c it would bring things out into the open. This is reprehensible to me.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing in insisting on supervised visitation. I'd keep it that way. Maybe he doesn't follow through on his tendencies unless drinking...but I wouldn't be willing to take that chance with my daughter. I sooo want to applaud you for getting out of that situation, and for protecting your daughter. I wish I saw this more often...unfortunately, the opposite is true all too often.

You are setting a great example for your daughter. You're showing her that a woman CAN be independent, and make the right choices involving her life. Of course his parents want you to reconcile....all in the name of it being the best thing for the child. The best thing for your daughter is to make absolute certain that she's protected against her father's hidden tendencies. Again...he didn't rape his sister BECAUSE of the alcohol...the behavior was already there, and the alcohol just loosened those inhibitions to where he could act out on them. His stopping drinking doesn't mean that your daughter is 100% safe from him.

You sound like a fantastic mother. You sound like you've done all the right things. Of course she's going to miss her father....and there is no reason for her to know what he's done in the past. But better that she miss her father, and be able to have a certain kind of memory associated with him, than to have the OTHER. You just keep doing what you're doing. Keep paying attention to your instincts. Do WHATEVER you have to do to ensure her safety. That is the number one priority....and good luck....

This summer my Granddaughter went to her Dad's(my son).Now she wants to live with him she's 15 next Month.Her Mother won't let her.Now she won't even let us have contact unsupervised.We have been close,I've allways been in her life.She wants to live with me when she turns 18 if she still is with her mom.I'm really at loss as to how to handle this whole thing she has no reason to be doing this.I just want to spend time with her .Should I let her Mother have that control?This has really got me stressed out.The Divorce has been long and ugly and taken a toll on all of us.My son has moved on and has a new life.His x not so much.My poor Grandkids have suffered the most from all this.My Grandson is now on antidepressents.What should I do?????

i'm not a parent myself but i hate seeing my parents in such turmoil. my 16 year old brother has a serious attitude problem. he claims he doesn't care about anything, nothing is his problem and everyone is against him. all our afternoons consist of are fighting and trying to shut him up. it gets old and the stress level in this house is too high. my father has already had one heart attack and i can't imagine it happening again because of my brother's mouth.

if anyone has any advice, i would greatly appreciate it. for my mom and dad's sake and myself and my other siblings.