Topic : General Advice

The key word in the visitation is “reasonable.”
Taking your four year old child out of her element, to a place where you will have no contact with her, is unreasonable. It could be a very bad parenting on your part to allow him to take her. Just because he is argumentative doesn’t mean that you give in to his demands; as a mother, it is your job to keep your children safe. There is no doubt that your children want and need their father in their lives- that isn’t the issue in this situation. The issue is that he wants to take a very young child away from you for too long, with no contact. Be strong and stand up for what you know is right! You are stronger then you think, you can say no and mean it- don’t be afraid of him!

My yardis in good shape   but like most people  stuff happens .I do pick up there mess but I should have  to  pay extra fee o garbGE   for  there   garbage..They have a  parking lot   but  parentsblock  my  property  so bad  at times   we   have problems  making apointments.She  has   to  pull her cAR  OUTAND  PARK  IT  TWO OR  THRE BLOCKS  FROM   THE  HOUSE  TO MAKE  SURE  SHE  CAN   MAKE IT  ON  TIME ..SIGHNS  DON'T WORK .They  have even blocked  my nieghbor  and made her late  to wrok..Iwoke  upone  morning  to  the  school  tringto  build  a cross walk  right  next   to my driveway.I had to call  the city   to stop it  the city apoligized  andsiad it was the schools idea  andthere was not  meeting  onthe issue cause the school  wanted it at  the  last minate.We  were warned the  scool will try agian for  the   cross  walk  cause  it   fits i  with   there remodle..If  it   is  done  we   will   not  be  able  to use  our  driveway..When  thekids  were  very  young   they  had  trikes   and  bikes   they  put  them  in  our  propert   a  lady parked  in  my driveway   and  knocked  over the bikes  came  to  my  door  and told  me  her   new car  was  scratched  I told her  this was orivate  property   not  schools  propery  get  off   my  kids  have  aright  to park  there bikes   here she  does  not   I  never  gave  her  or anyone  else the   right  to park her   she  left   in  a  huff.. I  have  a  right to  mypropery   and  not have  my  GARBAGE  BIN OVER  FILLED WITH  JUNK!!!!  dO YOU GET  IT111

why dont you try asking her why  she feels her real life isnt good enuff and has to lie about it. does she feel she doesnt measure up to some standard ,is someone making her feel small and she has to build herself up,is she afraid of real feelings?i've noticed that people who lie do not feel good about themselves. make sure youpraise her when she does something rite, point out her talents, abilities, and how your family is complete with her in it!!! best of luck

For the excess garbage...if you pick it up, put it in the SCHOOL'S DUMPSTER.

 

For the cross walk and parking problems, try attending a school board meeting to voice your complaints.  People have no right to block people's property, and if it is school parents doing it, the school board might be able to help.

 

In the mean time, keep the rake and garbage bags handy.  Maybe you should get some of those orange pylons to put in front of your yard...

Thanks  for  the advise.  I  hadn't   thought  about that.  I  will do that..

Me an my finance have been together a year now. We have been engaged since Jan of 08. I have 2 boys 1 that lives with us an 1 that lives in Ohio. He has 3 kids one lives with us an the other two live with his ex in NY. Here's the deal: He told me the other day that he wanted to move to NY but didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be up there right now since his other 2 kids don't want anything to do with me. Reguardless they don't know me, but we don't know what their mom has said about me to them. I want to be with my finance, even if it means moving to a place that I really don't want to be in. I guess its a love thing... lol. Anyways he says after a few months an things are good between him and his kids then he will come an get me an my son an take us up there with him.... All fine an dandy right? What do you think is going on an do you think he will come back to get us????????? I have been crying alot thinking about all this... Please someone shed some light in this tunnel of darkness...

OUR 25 YEAR OLD SON (I WILL REFER TO HIM AS "SON" IN THIS MESSAGE)MOVED BACK TO GET ON HIS FEET AGAIN.... WE HAVE A CONNECTED GUEST QUARTERS THAT WE USE AS A GUEST ROOM

 

MY HUSBAND FEELS THAT WE SHOULD LET HIM HAVE FRIENDS "STAY OVER", INCLUDING HIS GIRLFRIEND.

 

I FEET THAT STAY OVER leads TO FRIENDS MOVING IN AND I EXPLAINED THAT WE CLEARLY DISCUSSED RULES PRIOR TO SON MOVING BACK.

WE WILL NOT PROVIDE HOUSING FOR both SON AND FRIENDS.

 

 I WANT TO KEEP COST AND MAINT/CHORES DOWN WHILE PROTECTING A CERTAIN DEGREE OF PRIVACY FOR THE PAYING FOLKS (aka parents)

 

IF WE PROVIDE FREE HOUSING THEN SON SPENDS HIS MONEY ON FOOD AND FUN FOR HIS FRIENDS.

 HIS LAST 3 PAYCHECKS ARE GONE IN ONE WEEKEND (AND THAT WAS WITH THE NO STAY RULE) - THEN MY HUSBAND AND I END UP PAYING ALL OUR BILLS, HIS BILLS AND HIS GAS FOR HIM TO GET TO WORK .  I FEEL THIS IS COUNTER PRODUCTIVE TO OUR ULTIMATE GOAL OF GETTING HIM BACK ON HIS FEET.  I ALSO DON'T LIKE THE GOOD PARENT VS MOM UNDERMINING TACTIC THAT IS USED TO GET amenities...  THIS RESULTS IN STRESS WHILE WE CONTINUE TO DEBATE WHAT IS "RIGHT "

 

 

MY VIEW: IF WE ARE HELPING HIM GET BACK ON HIS FEET AND WE PROVIDE A FREE REALLY COMFORTABLE HAVEN WILL THIS PREVENT HIM FROM WANTING TO MOVE OUT?

 

MY AGREEMENT WAS (NO RENT FOR SON TO STAY HERE) but he must follow these rules:

 

ONLY HE STAY HERE (NO HOUSING FOR FRIENDS)

NO OUT OF POCKET COST FOR PARENTS (HE PAY HIS BILLS AND SAVE TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET)

HE IS RESPECTFUL TO OUR PROPERTY, CLEANS AND MAINT THE AREA HE STAYS IN

 

 

ANY THOUGHTS REGARDING: ADULT CHILD'S GET BACK ON FEET TEMP HOME vs SUPER VACATION FOR ADULT CHILD

 

 

You must read your own words....

 

he wanted to move to NY but didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be up there right now .....he wanted to move to NY but didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be up there right now

 

then ask yourself,

How does a couple month change your relationship with his children? Will that make it a more acceptable situation because just time has passed.

 

Love is difficult under these situations.

 

So you need to ask yourself, "what is he saying, what does it mean and is he expressing something he simply can not put in to words?"

 

 

 

 

 

I have a wonderfull little gril who is 9 1/2 (you can not forget the 1/2).  We have been fighting about keeping her room clean and general pick up after yourself her whole life.  I am very effected emotionaly by the clutter and clean ness of my house.  I have talked to her about ; this is what I would do but I can except the best she can do or for her to do it her way.  And I have for most jobs she does, I try to encourge her and thank her for her good work.  She is always pleased that she did a good job.

The trouble is she does not do anything in her room or the rest of house unless we have a fight about it.  She is very unorginized and dirty.  If she drops something there it stays.  It makes me so sad and I don't know what to do to teach her to care for her things.  Its not just her room.  Every room in the house has her name carved into it or the walls are covered with her writting and drawings.  She is obsessed with markers.  Her sheets her body her furnature is covered with scribles and wrighting.  I have not done it yet but she is going to wash the walls that she wrote on.  Everything I have tried has not been efective.  I take things away she does'nt care, she gets grounded.  As soon as the grounding is done she goes back to doing whatever she was grounded for.  When I try to talk to her about what she is doing her response to me "It's my life, Its my room, it's my stuff".  I do not seem to be able to tell her why cleaning your room and taking care of your things is importent.  I don't even really know my self why.  I just know that it is important. 

Dr Phil says to take everything out of the room tv, computors, phone ect.  My kids are not going to have those things in their bedrooms.  I don't think that it is nessasary.  I would like to encourge her but i am not sure how to do that.  When she does anything good I try to praise her and I try to find more things to praise her for.  As any kid is she loves to buy things.  Her favorite is to buy earrings and jewlery.  We have tried to catch her doing things without being told or when her attitude has been sweet and have taken her to buy

those things .  As soon as she is home with it or them they are lost or broke and all over the house.  And after that she thinks we should pay her for every right thing she does.  How do I teach her these things?

I see the desperation in your post and it is understandable. As a parent myself, I know that you want your child to have better then you’ve had in life, and you want for her to experience a healthy, happy life.
Does your daughter have a father or father-figure in her life? Has she experienced any traumatic events in her life, such as witnessing violence or being a victim of violence? The reason I ask is because the characteristics that you describe about your daughter indicate a lack of self worth, and witnessing/having traumatic experiences in life could have created (or greatly contributed to) that lack of self worth/low self esteem.
It is great that you try to catch her doing good things and praise her for that. Be sure not to “over-do” the praise, though- it is something that we, as parents, have to be careful about. Praising them too much gives them the indication that they are on a pedestal, and not praising them enough causes a host of issues.
Dr. Phil always says to “know your child’s currency.” Your daughter likes to buy jewelry; that is her ‘currency.’ She breaks them, don’t buy new ones.
You know that she is capable of doing/being good, because she is good when she is grounded and/or when she wants to be good. Her attitude that “its my life, its my room, its my stuff” has to be nipped in the bud ASAP. When she says that, what is your response? That attitude should not be accepted in your home. Your child is showing no respect for you, for your home, and no respect for herself/her things.
You said that you’ve tried many different tactics and they don’t seem to work. It is important that you are 100% consistent with these tactics; don’t try one and give up when it doesn’t work. Pick one and stick with it for at least 2-3 weeks. Your child knows that she can get away with the things that she does; that is the reason she does it. When you prove to her that you can, and that you will, enforce your new rules and boundaries, prove to her that you will by being consistent, things will begin to change. My advice to you is to seek outside, professional help as soon as possible. Your daughter is only 9 and a half now, but by the time she is 12, this attitude will be full-blown hell for your household. You’ve got to learn how to get a handle NOW, because there is no later. Do this  for her, because she needs and deserves to have guidance in her life. Although she doesn’t show it, she does want it. If you think that she tests your patience now, just wait ‘till she is 12. I wish you the best- it can be difficult to change this long-held, bad attitude that your child has, but the end result is worth it.