Quote From: yesyoucanLynn isn't getting as much work and when he does hates his job and like in 1996, when he was laid off, when he pushed me away being abrasive and we got divorced. Is doing the same thing now being very abrasive.
I don't want to be stuck renting and a realtor in my home town said, today, doesn't think anything in my price range will ever be available since my home town rated one of the six best cities to live in in USA. I wouldn't qualify for a loan because to move back to my home town I'd be looking for a job, too, simultaneously. Not sure anyone would rent to me since no job. My brother has three roomers and seven cats and I'm allergic to cats. All those problems are my own... not Lynn's.
Realtor actually sent me about seven listings and one was the house across the street from what use to be my grandmother's house, then mom's then mine selling for $65,000 more than I sold when my house 14 years ago. I know compared to a lot of things going on with others not that big of a deal yet I almost cried.
I don't want to be enemies with Lynn so I'm trying not to react to his digs. I do hope the best for him yet it is because of these out of the blue being sure I know "his" house that I feel no security. Actually, I mostly feel numb. What's worse is since my blood pressure so high when Lynn collapsed last year I have to make lists, now, and get overwhelmed easily. Nothing in my name. Yet, I have nobody but myself to blame and don't have time to do that. As Dr. Phil says, "It is what it is."
Lynn may think I'm not hurt since I have a poker face on yet as I looked out the kitchen window yesterday evening and hit rock bottom of hopelessness close enough to hear the lies of depression of the S word. Wishing I hadn't brought mother's angel statue up that my brother gave to me as likely would be dump bound if I didn't take and VERY heavy to take.
Then, briefly wishing I'd never been born since S is not an option. Plus, I know now no matter how someone puts me down SELF MATTERS DOES INCLUDE ME. I got my resolve back that I refuse to ever get that depressed by any person, place, thing, situation and not even me setting up camp in that type of dead end thinking. So, it may seem easy for me yet, no, it takes conscious effort and resolve to know that I know, from learning the hard way, I must keep focus and not listen to the lies of depression no matter how dire things look.
Since when I met Lynn shortly after company he worked for went belly up and he talked about suicide I wish he didn't have a gun. That's how much resolve I have that SELF MATTERS INCLUDES ME. If he gets that down I don't want him to think he's doing me any favors shooting me since he asked me to shoot him 22 years ago as if it'd be a blessing if I did. I hate guns. Since he felt would solve his problems when he was out of work then. The Veterans Hospital put him on medication when he was like this a few years ago yet he says he's not going to a doctor. He's stood up to depression before so, hopefully, he does this time on his own, too.
He cannot vent to clients who give him last minute work. He cannot vent to his mom since while at ER with her yesterday FINALLY a client called with work he was really too tired to do when he got home. Missed call while at ER adding to that the frustration of phone tag with client to boot. So, see, I understand his irritability and deciding to make pot shots at me and then deciding I deserved every single one and then some. Vowing he wouldn't take back.
His brother said Lynn just kept me around because he hates to cook and clean. So maybe Lynn's taken up a new interest in cooking and cleaning...
It is okay if he wants me to leave like he said yesterday after his first of several "Screw you's and F' offs". It is okay that I wish I could leave after that and more. It is okay that i have as many reasons to stay as to go. "When God closes one door he opens another." I just don't want that other door to be an untimely exit by him and him to decide to take me along. I want us both to succeed and, if that isn't together, and we are both happier apart... That's okay. I'm scrambling a bit yet it is what it is whatever it is. I'm okay. He's okay. Just depression is trying to move in. He's fought it off before and, hopefully, will this time too. Depression is a sign something needs to change. Maybe we do need to go our own separate ways for both our sakes. IDK
Even after what he said and if he vows to stick to it. I still wish Oprah and Nate would fix up his house. Not likely and never heard back from Dr. Phil's Extreme Makeover yet things have a way of working out and I truly believe that... when I don't give into depression. That's my plan... to not give into depression... and I PLAN NOT TO.
Lynn just passed and has perked up since another client called and wants to meet him tomorrow afternoon. THANK GOD. Although, in a depressed voice after that said only called him since nobody else wants to do. Maybe that's why he wanted me to feel worthless yesterday since he does.
Back when I listened to the lies of depression's S word I bought into someone venting on me. Not anymore. SELF MATTERS INCLUDES ME. I've said things I regret before and been too embarrassed to admit or whatever to take back. I hope eventually I took back. Most times, though, I try to make a point to say I was off base if I am.
Eleanor Roosevelt is right that we don't have to consent when someone boos us. Yesterday, I was about to consent and buy into then I decided a poor investment for my mental health. Depression is a sign something needs to change and there are some things I need to change even if the reason Lynn vented on me was because he couldn't to his mom or client with their last minute needs.
I'm not saying this to insult Lynn as he has valid reasons to be stressed. We both could make some changes here or wherever we are because "wherever you go... there you are." So I suppose that goes for wherever you stay, too. We both could do better. We have our good points, and quite a few good points at that, yet yesterday discovered not all our points are good. Who to blame? Gasoline prices... Injustices specifically or in general... Nobody... It is what it is. A bleep that can flat line or heal with time and TLC and basic understanding/communicating. Responding not reacting. Realizing even though things aren't perfect doesn't mean we shouldn't do our best and not throw in the towel over one day. One day at a time and today, though not "perfect", WAS better THANK GOD.
U-TURN TO HAPPINESS
by: SEA
Screech! I hit the brakes
When I saw the road signs to camp despair
Turned around and got out of there
is still ABUSE and it hurts just as hard as a slap in the face. What does DR PHIL say? You cant change what you don't acknowledge.
See I know that you and Lynn do love each-other very much..Married..not...whichever.
You have ALL the answers right in front of you. You do not wish an untimely exit...so put LYNN on notice you will be finally leaving his life forever in 6 months. You love him but you will need this time to get your affairs in order and that you appreciate the time you two have had and after this you will be gone out of his life.
THAN get going get REAL and get set,, YOU have the rest of your life to live in happiness and bliss.
The being stuck or supposedly being stuck makes those negative feelings gel.
All the stuff you find on the curb start selling it on GRAIGSLIST,ebay or wherever HOLD YOUR own garage sales. Start saving and banking your money. Don't give LYNN a day by day blow by blow.
Stay mysterious. You may make enough money before 6 months. DREAM and plan. When you go and check out where you want to live really look around. Go visit senior centers. Maybe there is an elderly person who is all alone in this world who would benefit having you as a roommate. Ya all could bake together and maybe you could take her to the BEAUTY PARLOR.
Keep reporting your feelings here, we will all HELP YOU GET THROUGH this.
Take it from someone who has been there and done that......taking the first step is the hardest! AFTER THAT Cake...trust me....God was speaking through me this early am to reach you....
Did it work?
Love,
Sue
